I know I should stop thinking about the same thing every night all over again, but I just can’t. I keep waiting for your calls that never come. And I keep meeting disappointment, even though I don’t even expect anything anymore. I keep staring at the phone in my hand until the exhaustion takes overhand and leads me into a short dreamless sleep.

_________________________________

After hearing you the doorbell and opening the door, of course you rush past me without much of a greeting apart from that gummy smile of yours, you target obviously being the comfy couch in my living room. I should stop torturing  myself like this.

“Hae! You should use your free time to get some sleep instead of working all night” You don’t even wait for a response, both of us already knowing that I won’t take your advice and you instantly shake your head “You should take more care of your health…
"You never met Hyoyeon, right?” And I’d like to keep it that way. The chance of accidentally ripping her head off is just too big. “You’re coming with us for dinner tonight”

I sigh. “Hyukjae, Look, I’m sorry, but I really need to...

“No excuses, Hae. Not tonight. I’m not going let you make up any pretexts. And to make sure that you’ll be there, I’m gonna stay here until we..”

But then your phone vibrates in your pocket, like it always does and I already know what’s coming. Your lips are instantly curving into a smile as your eyes are glued to the screen.

“Hae.. I have to leave…” No matter how often I’ve already heard that sentence coming from your mouth, those words never fail to pierce my heart. “… I’m gonna pick you up at 7:30. Just sleep a little until I’m back and don’t you dare to work or leave this building, got it?” You smile at me widely before leaving on the same way you just came and I curse my heart for fluttering in the middle of breaking.

Needless to say, that I can’t get any sleep.

_________________________________

“You’re ready to meet her?”

No. How could I ever be ready to meet your girlfriend, when I’ve already fallen too deep? And stop smiling at me like that when we both know you’re happy because of her and not me.

“Come on, Hae” You grab my hand and pull me into the restaurant. Even though I don’t think there could be any place I’d be less enthusiastic about to be at I follow you inside without treacherous hesitation. I don’t pay attention to whoever leads us to our table, where a stunningly beautiful woman is already waiting for us.

That’s just her appearance, I bet she has a ty character…. Who am I kidding? If she did, she wouldn’t be his girlfriend….

Of course I am right and she’s also incredibly nice, sweet and caring as the first 10 minutes of conversation already give away… To shorten it, she’s perfect for him. It’s good that he’s happy, but I can’t help but to feel extremely jealous and hear my heart stopping every now and then due to the tightness in my chest.

“I think I should go home now, I still have some work to do” Or rather: I need to get away and distract myself from you, when you’re being all lovey-dovey with your girlfriend. “I’ll leave first, then. It was really nice meeting you, Hyoyeon, goodbye; Hyukjae” I turn and try to leave as quickly as possible and I make it to the sidewalk just outside the restaurant before I feel a tight grip on my shoulder spinning me around.

“Hae, where are you going? It’s not even late and tomorrow is Sunday! You don’t have to go to work!”

“I know, I’m sorry Hyukjae. But it’s really important and I want to get it done as fast as possible”

“Hae~ You know I told you to keep calling me ‘Hyukkie’~ When did you even stop that to begin with?” I try to stop my heart from beating faster at that incredibly cute and whiny voice of yours, but fail miserably.

“I don’t know, maybe when I’ve grown up?
I’m sorry, but I really need to get going. I’ll see you next week or so…”

You pout at me for a long time (or at least it seems to be long to me) and I almost give in.
Almost.

“Okay… Can I come by after this? I’ll call you, okay?”

I sigh. No, You won’t.

Your confused eyes blink at me repeatedly.

“Why wouldn’t I call you?”

, did I just say that out loud?!

I compress my lips firmly, locking up my thoughts inside my head. But I can’t take it anymore; you need to hear what you can’t see yourself, blinded by your love for her.

“Because you never do, Hyukjae. I… I’m leaving now. Goodbye”

With that I’m turning around, ignoring your taken aback self, so you won’t see any of the tears that I just know are going to fall any time soon.

_________________________________

I’m lying on my couch, cuddling up to my Nemo plushie at 1:30 am. The tears never actually stopped running down my cheeks, I just stopped caring. Suddenly my phone vibrates, ripping me out of my self-pitying thoughts.

“Hello?”

“Yah, Donghae! I tried to call you earlier, but you phone was off” And still I turned it on again so I can wait for calls that never come. But it’s not a surprise that he calls in the middle of the night.

“I'm very sorry, Mr. Kim, my batterie died”

“Donghae, I told you that it’s okay, if you call me Heechul-hyung, remember?”

“Right… sorry …hyung. It’s just hard to accustomize to that, since you’re in a position above mine”

“You don’t need to say sorry. Now. I’ve got some great news for you! You are offered the vice president post in our branch here in Gwangju! You’d earn more money and we’d get to see each other all day! You just have to tell me ‘yes’ and everything’s done.”

“Heechul, I can’t..”

“Don’t say that Donghae! I’m not going to let you throw this chance away just because of that little crush of yours!”

I blush furiously at his words, because I never told him about you.

“I-it’s not..”

“It’s the same with everyone, even with you. Now, at least think about it. He hast a girlfriend anyways, am I right?”

“W-why do you think it’s a h-he?”

I can practically hear the smirk in his voice and I know he knows he’s right.

“Intuition. And here are also a lot, and by a lot I mean a LOT, of hot young men, who I’m sure would love to you”

God, why does he always have to be this direct?

“Um, okay. I’ll think about it, hyung..”

“Speaking of hot men who’d like to someone, my target just passed my office, I’ll hang up now, bye! And decide fast! You have two days, things here get complicated without vice president”

A monotonous beeping replaces his voice and only a mere moment after I put my phone down I hear someone knock furiously.

“Hae? Hae, open the door! Please! Don’t make me come in on my own!”

Yeah, get in on your own. What would you do, kick in the door? Or maybe melt the lock and… Wait… 

“How did you get inside my apartment? ”

“Magic” You smile widely while holding up a key.

“Wait. How.. When did you..?” I sit up to have a better view of you.

"I made a copy for emergency’s when you started overworking yourse… Have you been crying?”

My eyes are probably still red and puffy.

“No, I’ve just been working a little bit and now I’m tired, that’s all.”

“Hae, I’m not that dense. I can see the dried tears on your face” Oh…

You come closer and motion me to put my legs down, so you can sit there and I follow.

“Hae.. You know that you mean a lot to me, right? And by a lot I mean a LOT.” Reminds me of Heechul-hyungs offer… But.. where is he trying to go with this? Please stop giving me hopes… “I don’t know what I’d do without you” Spending even more time with your girlfriend, probably? “And not a bajillion Hyoyeon’s could ever change that” Oh, god. Could it be that you finally..? No. No, Hae, stop having those kind of thoughts! But I can’t. My heart is beating faster with every word leaving your lips, with every color in your eyes, with every second passing. “I mean, I knew I would ask you this someday, but now the time has come that I can’t keep this to myself. I just couldn’t imagine my life without you. We’ll always have this special something and I don’t want to lose that. So that’s why I want to take another step in our relationship and I hope it bonds us even more. …Hae?

"Would you be my best man?”