Sungjong looked like he was having a panic attack. The way I proposed to him was so reminiscent of the first time I did so, that I was shocked myself. The only difference was, it had happened 12 years ago at his house in Seoul. But he had been sitting on a sofa, and I had kneeled down in front of him with the exact same ring. And I had said, “Lee Sungjong, please be mine.” I had told him that LS stands for Lee Sungjong. He hadn’t liked it. “From this day onwards, you’re name is L,” he had pronounced. I had thought it was the best name anyone could ever have.

L for love, L for life, L for Lee Sungjong

In my Life, my only Love is Lee Sungjong.

As I looked at Sungjong, I wondered if he was also recalling that day. The day when I made him mine? Did he still remember the drumbeats of my heart as I hugged him? Did he still remember the way he had said, shyly, that I was his first kiss? Did he remember how he had limited me to a kiss a day so that I wouldn’t grow too fond of him but it just made me want him more? Did he remember that he would always warn me with his eyes when I was affectionate with him in public? Did he remember the 3 sunflowers I had given him for his birthday—one for me, one for him, and one for our future together? Did he know then, we wouldn’t have a future together? Or would we?

“No, L hyung, no. I-I can’t. Howon loves me, he trusts me and I trust him.”

I searched in his eyes for any traces of lie. There wasn’t any. I couldn’t say I was surprised.

“But I love you Sungjong, more than Howon ever could.”

“How do you know that? You don’t know anything about him. He’s been by my side through everything.”

I knew this Sungjong very well—always defending his friends. But Howon was not his friend, he was more. Or was he?

“I know he’s been with you and I haven’t. I told you I have made my mistakes, but now I want redemption. Please Sungjongie, you’re the only one for me.”

“How-how could you! You have a boyfriend. You love him. You came to Jeju with him and now you’re going to break his heart. What is wrong with you?”

I was stumped. Sungjong was screaming at me? He rarely raised his voice, he was always so soft-spoken but now it seemed his emotions have gotten the better of him. Angry tears poured down his cheeks as he refused to meet my eyes.

“Sungjong, I love you.” I would repeat the same sentence as many times as it takes to get it through him.

Sungjong broke down. The momentary strength he had gained seemed to crumble away.

“Please, I’m begging you hyung, I don’t want to be Helen of Troy. I don’t want to bring destruction.”

“You’re much more beautiful, both in face and heart, than Helen. Don’t even compare.”

“That’s not the point, hyung. I am not the one for you. Believe me.”

“Lies,” I smiled at him. It irritated me a bit though, that he was avoiding looking at me. “If you’re not the one, then why did your absence maim my life? Answer me. I am a changed person. Remember Sungjongie, you were always late for dates? You made me wait so much. I had to wait a whole 24 hours for a kiss. After you left, no one made me wait. I didn’t let them, because only you had the right. I was so organized before but you left me in a mess and I stopped caring about arranging anything. You used to call me L, that’s the last thing you said, so I couldn’t bear anyone calling me that. And your birthdays, I have celebrated each of them by buying three sunflowers, one for you, one for me, and one for the future we never had.”

It was Sungjong’s turn to say, “Lies.”

“Look into my eyes, you’d know if I’m lying. You always knew from the tone of my voice.”

Sungjong gulped. I knew he had understood I wasn’t lying though he still refused to meet my eyes. “But your boyfriend…”

“Sungyeol is perfect and a very good friend of mine but I always wondered what he was lacking. I thought why I didn’t feel the same with him as I felt with you. Now I know—because we were never meant to be. Because you’re the only one for me.”

“I still can’t hyung. Howon loves me and he deserves to be loved back. I have to do this. I can’t break his heart.” Sungjong’s voice was pleading.

I knew Sungjong felt a certain obligation to ‘love’ Howon. But I knew he really didn’t. He can’t right? Our love could not have been nothing? Did he really forget his love for me? Did he really learn to love Howon? I stood up and grabbed Sungjong by his shoulders.

“Sungjong look into my eyes and tell me that you love Howon.” I shook his slender figure.

Sungjong looked straight into my eyes. There was a fire there, a determination I had never seen before. When he spoke, his voice didn’t tremble or falter.

“I had fallen in love 12 years ago, L. And I believe—love touches just one time, and lasts for a lifetime.”