How do I say this. I'm not acting while I'm on We Got Married with Kwonnie. It is my real self. But it's not my normal self. It's not who I normally am, but rather a side of me that I would rather stay hidden. I don't really know how to put this. It's not fake, but it's not real either, more like somewhere in between. Us being together is fake, a construct of the show. But our interactions are real. And the problem with this is that he's broken down the barriers I've constructed to protect myself too much and too fast.

I didn't go in expecting to feel anything besides affectionate friendship for my de facto younger brother. But then again, I had this persona which was almost a throwback to how I was before. I won't lie. I didn't want to do the show at all, why would I want to be stuck in a virtual marriage to a stranger who I didn't know and pretend that I was with him. And be sent stupid contrived missions like decorating the house. Seriously, there's everything wrong with the show, and even today I believe that. But they wanted someone from BEG in the wake of Abracadabra. Narsha unnie's too wild for the show, and well, if they wanted to pair them with other male idols it would have been a problem. They might have wanted an older woman younger man relationship, but that kind of age difference on a show would have been for most intents and purposes disturbing. So I was therefore sent out of the frying pan and into the fire. My unnies were terribly apologetic, they were, they really were. They knew how broken I was and how much it took for me to get back up. They know that since then I've shut out any suitors that have come my way. Some of them were by no means bad, if I could say so myself. Yet turning them down bluntly is most definitely not something that one would get away easily with, so normally one of the unnies will act as the overprotective mother and gently turn them down, on the guise on being forbidden to date. That's not entirely true though, that's been overruled for me since some time ago.

2 days and 1 night isn't terribly long, so I went in, completely intending to do what I normally do on variety. Pretend to be flattered, compliment the other party and do victory dances. Especially if the other party wasn't someone I liked. Seeing Kwonnie ruined that plan and turned it completely on its head. There was no way, no way at all, that I could pull that off convincingly. Really, I didn't expect it to be Kwonnie, though I did say his name in the interview. I wouldn't have dreamed of him saying mine and the crew actually putting us together. Won't lie, I was utterly glad that it was Kwonnie, except that I would have to be my true self. But in situations like those, it was better Kwonnie than most others. So I was my true self, my normal self after whitewashing my heartbreaks and distrust. It was a show after all, none of it would be real, I had told myself, he wouldn't actually be able to break my heart, so it was fine.

That's why I hated Kwonnie constantly questioning me about them. It reminded me of what I was trying to forget while I was on the show with him. It was fine was what I told myself, but I gradually awoke to a vastly different reality. Separating fiction from reality was more difficult than I had initially thought. My underlying close friendship with Kwonnie meant that we would stay in touch outside the show. And we happened to adopt some of what we did on show to real life.

I'd be lying if I said it wasn't confusing. Kwonnie spoke my mind when he said that he was confused. Not only were we confused, our friends were confused too. Seulong for one believed that we were together not only for the screen. Jea unnie believed that we would get married in real life one day.

Time went by, and that me, with my heartbreaks and prior relationship experience whitewashed almost became second nature to me. The walls I built to protect myself seemed to crumble when it came to Kwonnie, both onscreen and off. And I didn't mind, because he seemed to be unable to properly differentiate between the two. Strange as our relationship was, I was content, I honestly was. And I'd felt more loved and more joy when I was with Kwonnie. Never mind that it was a show, never mind that we had to complete absolutely inane missions. I had grown so comfortable in my role that I didn't want to leave it. But as all good things go, they will come to an end. Our relationship was fuzzy and undefined, with something special thrown in. Yet I knew, that it was only held together by the show, and wasn't built to last. Perhaps my desire to cling onto him and prolong the happiness was a folly on my par