It has to be this way...

If he was given another life, at another time, he would definitely not make the same mistake. Not twice. No, thrice. Yes, he had done it before and was forgiven without even asking. The gentle heart simply forgave him, no questions asked, no charges pressed. But this time, even he couldn’t forgive himself. When he remembered Sungjong’s tear-stained face, eyes so red as if they were bleeding, he had the sudden urge to run in front of the next car and cleanse the world of an evil heart.

“Sungjongie,” was the only explanation he had offered. Sungjong had turned away from him.

“You have nothing to say, do you?” he had asked through his tears. His voice had sounded like a mess of emotions and regrets, anger and hatred. Emotion because Sungjong still loved him, regret because Sungjong knew the end was looming but he didn’t want it to end, anger at himself because Sungjong didn’t confront him earlier and let it happen behind his back, hatred at Myungsoo because of all the broken promises and false kisses, the phony hugs and the fake reassurances

Myungsoo had stayed silent. He didn’t even look at Sungjong’s face. Because if he had, he wouldn’t have been able to turn away and slam the door, blocking Sungjong and his tears. Once the door blocked Sungjong from him, he ran away. Ran along the stairs until he was out into the blue night. Then he ran along the sidewalk. He ran like there was no tomorrow.

He had stopped when his legs faltered. No, he didn’t stop because he was short of breath or because his heart was thumping too fast. Both his heart and breath had stopped when he had seen Sungjong crying. He had actually seen Sungjong cry before because he was that kind of a person. He made Sungjong cry and relish in his power. I can make him cry.

But this time he had seen the finality in Sungjong’s eyes which his tears couldn’t obstruct. “Your only chance,” the eyes seem to say.

“I’m sorry, I really am. And I love you.” That’s what he opened his mouth to say but no words escaped. Instead he ran away.

“Because I’m proud and I’m too much of a fool to sacrifice my pride,” Myungsoo said to himself.

“No, you’re not proud. You’re just a coward. You’re the lamest excuse for a lover. Your excuse is that you’re proud but you have nothing to be proud of. You could have been proud if you had protected your love and didn’t let it fade. But you let it all go because you’re a coward. When you truly love someone, nothing stands in your way—not pride, nothing.”

He heard the words, as if someone colder and more callous than him uttered them.

“You’re pitiable.” The voice said before fading.

“I’ll die a proud man!” Myungsoo screamed. He screamed for the air to hear, the dust, the dirt. “But I’ll die with the one I love beside me.”

He started running again. This time the destination was etched in his mind. If it was possible, he would have run faster than the wind. When he reached the door he dreaded to knock on, he felt his heart falter a bit. His hand stalled midway. He couldn’t bring himself to knock on the door. But as if his mind had willed it, the door flew open and Sungjong stood there.

“I thought I heard something,” he mumbled. But Myungsoo knew it to be otherwise. Sungjong could always tell when Myungsoo was at the door. He had developed a kind of intuition about Myungsoo. “I know you want to take away your things so I have them in a box.”

Sungjong’s face looked bloated. But that face gave Myungsoo the strength. He pulled Sungjong roughly towards him and kissed his lips. And that was the spark. All his boundaries broke down and he cried. Cried like he had never done, and no one ever would catch him crying like that again. Sungjong’s lips didn’t move against his and his arms pushed against his chest but he managed to say, “Sorry Sungjongie, I love you,” in the kiss. Sungjong froze. When had Myungsoo last told him that? Never.

“Coward,” Sungjong’s lips moved. “Stupid, idiot, crazy—”

“Crazy for you,” said Myungsoo as he deepened the kiss. They had the rest of the conversation in the living room, in between kisses and hugs. In a long time Myungsoo felt truly proud. Proud that he had chosen correctly his other half.