Escaping Reality

In Jessica Jung’s world, there’s only her sister, Krystal, her backyard, TaeYeon and her dog, Toto. She won’t say what TaeYeon is to her, because she’s not sure yet, and she’ll know in due time. And she’ll say it proud then, friend or not.

Jessica’s eight-year-old, cookie-and-sugar driven mind, likes to think that she has the entire world in her backyard, the Pacific Ocean next to her (when it’s just the inflatable children’s pool), and a huge adventure waiting for her. She feels like Indiana Jones, and she’s just waiting for her hat and whip. Clad in dirty school attire, she’d be playing at the back, just the three of them, thinking of scaling Mt. Everest in nothing but singlet and shorts, and swimming in the crocodile-infested waters of the Amazon.

Innocence. They have that. That innocence of believing you could be anything you wanted to be if you put your mind to it, or if you studied hard enough and got enough A’s for your exams. They ask questions no adults would, because it might seem to frank or harsh or even stupid. But they’ve got the innocence in their eyes and they get away with almost everything.

Jessica thrives on adventure, breathes it, in into her being and repels it out in little sparkles. She’s sparkling all the time. And even if school has started, she’d be daydreaming in class, in between classes, recess. If only they had told her how dangerous daydreaming is, because it makes her wish for things she could never have.

Today, TaeYeon is fidgety, especially edgy. She’s out the door the moment the bell rings, carelessly slinging her bag onto her shoulder and running down the corridor. She’s heard Jessica’s trying something different today. Different means good, different means crazy and stupid and getting into more trouble.

Usually, they won’t bring Krystal into their ‘experiments’, because Jessica had reasoned that she doesn’t want her sister doing these things till Krystal understood what she’s doing and the kind of risks she’s taking. It kinds of make sense, after all, it’s all about the thrill of never getting caught, of running away when and laughing when being chased, of escaping reality for the few seconds.

She runs past the broken mailbox that’s been left there for years, rotting on its stand, a picket-fence-white with mould eating it’s sides, the streaming lake with the hanging tire they like to swing over, the little labyrinth with walls of overgrown grass and Morning Glories and singing larks. She feels the leaves crunch underneath her feet and fresh, ripe sound of Autumn. The temperature is slightly on the warmer side today, but it doesn’t matter at the rate she’s going. Wind delves into her hair like little fingers, combs her scalp and pushes her hair back as she runs. Running underneath the canopy of trees, she manages a brief glance up and looks at the sky through frames of skeletal, bare branches. It makes her feel so small, but no less important.

She smiles and laughter builds in her stomach, comes out of in frothing bubbles of happiness. So this is what it feels like. This is what Jessica is after.

TaeYeon yells at the small figure in the distance, constantly and gradually getting closer and closer. But TaeYeon doesn’t slow down. In this frenzied delirium, she doesn’t feel her legs, doesn’t hear her heart telling her to slow down.

“Jessica!” she hollers, pushing Jessica down onto the ground as her legs burn out from the adrenaline.

Jessica lets out a squeak, and sits up slowly, picks the leaves off her hair, watching TaeYeon laugh curiously.

“Did someone give you too much sugar?”

“I feel so alive, Sica! You won’t believe it!”

“Believe what?”

“The trees are, like, speaking. They’re whispering things to me of autumn and the leaves are singing me the song.”

Jessica smiles, looking flustered, delighted and glad at the same time. It’s a mixture of emotions and it turns out lovely on her face. “What song, TaeYeon?”

“A song!” TaeYeon lies back down onto the ground and makes an angel with the leaves the cleaner has not raked out. “You’ll never know! It’s a secret I’ve promised not to tell!”

Jessica frowns at this, but laughs when TaeYeon pulls her friend down with her, and they lie like that until the silence feels blue and settling.

“Krystal’s with her nanny today, so I’ve got the day off,” Jessica says, and TaeYeon nods, pulling her discarded backpack closer to her body. She sticks a hand in there and feels around for the two pieces of bread she has stolen from a bakery before.

“Hokkaido cream cheese. Your favourite,” TaeYeon hands her one and Jessica accepts it gratefully, peeling off the wrapping and biting into it with bright eyes.

‘I don’t get how you can steal something so fast and so accurately. Most of the time you don’t look at what you’re stealing.”

“Ah, well, experience,” TaeYeon bites her own bread, feeling the flavours seep through her tongue.

Once done, they set the wrapping aside, but not before playing hangman on the slightly greasy and sticky papers. After a round or two, TaeYeon crosses her legs and looks at Jessica with eager eyes of anticipation.

“So, you said you found something new. What is it?”

TaeYeon shifts closer to Jessica, sitting cross-legged across her as well. Jessica’s eyes can’t get any brighter as she pulls TaeYeon to her feet and does the same. And then it’s the same kind of thrill all over again.

Side by side, running like they’ve never ran for years, laughing like they’ve just learned to use their voices, alive like they’ve never lived.

It can never get any better than this.

Slipping into the opening, Jessica kicks at the rocks with her feet, gaining momentum and getting back her breaths as she waits for TaeYeon to do the same. They’ve arrived at some kind of shed, it’s made of metal, aluminium or tin foil or something (they won’t know cause they’ve never learnt it in school), and it’s rusty. Birds have made their homes near the broken metal meshes and small animals crawl about, it’s a living, thriving jungle on its own.

It looks like a living, thriving jungle of adventure to Jessica and TaeYeon.

Jessica walks over to the entrance, secured by a faded golden lock, and fiddles with it.

“DooJoon found this when we were playing ball and the ball flew too far. He went to get it and found this place. I thought it’d be cool to check it out,” Jessica gives the lock a few hard tugs, “never thought it’d be locked.”

“Here, let me try,” TaeYeon tugs at the lock too, but her years of drinking milk doesn’t compare to the metal of the lock.

“Well,” Jessica swipes her hands together and looks around for something, “we can always come back tomorrow.”

But TaeYeon’s only interested in the adventures lying beneath the rusty door. Her eyes wander and she squats by a tree, picking at the larger rocks. She grabs one with both hands and only, barely stands up under its additional weight. Jessica watches and TaeYeon tells her not to get too close.

“Hey,” TaeYeon tells her, “stand back while I try to figure this out.”

TaeYeon holds it high, then brings it down onto the lock. She misses on the first try, but on the second, she does nothing more than dent the door, and lets go of the rock, holding her reddened fingers dearly.

“You git,” Jessica says with a grin, coming over to rub TaeYeon’s fingers.

“What?”

“You dumb git. It’s getting darker. We should go back. Let’s figure this out tomorrow.”

“Hey, you won’t give up on it, right?”

“Now,” Jessica pulls back to look at TaeYeon seriously in the eye, “why would I do something like that?”

Jessica has never been one to leave without a proper adventure, and lying in bed that night, thinking of ways to get rid of that lock, is an adventure itself. She’s drawn out the blueprints and searched up on the structures of locks. She’s asked the local locksmiths, talked to her dad about it, pestered her mom while she’s doing the dishes, and still hasn’t found an answer to it. She assumes it’s because adults never pick locks.

Her dad had told her that it’s illegal to do that, because it’s trespassing other people’s property. But it’s no one’s property, right? And they’ve found it first and called dibs on the shed, so it’s theirs and no one else’s, right?

She watches her dad dissolve a white pill into a glass of water, flipping through the newspapers and yawning into his fist.

“Why, Jessica, you don’t do that. Maybe thieves and robbers do that, but we don’t do that,” her father tells her sternly, warning her against the idea of it.

“Why not? What if there’s a huge, big secret waiting behind that stupid lock?”

“It’s not for us to know, or for us to find out. Secrets stay secrets. Just, whatever adventure you little kids want to have now, just make sure it’s perfectly safe and legal.”

Jessica feels a little blasé, and it’s very vague to be talking to your child about picking locks like this, because Jessica can’t get anything out of it, except that she should ask a robber or a thief. And where do they find these kinds of people?

Why, behind the metal bars, of course.

~+~

“You got a way to break it open?” TaeYeon peeks over Jessica’s shoulder, both girls crouching over the lock as Jessica tries to alleviate the situation.

“Yeah,” Jessica says distractedly, “the thief in jail told me to do this.”

TaeYeon’s eyes widen. “And how did you ask him?”

“I gave him my lunch.”

“And the police?”

Jessica makes raspberries with her cold lips, her fingertips sore and red. “Got a hold of their schedule.”

“Oh,” you shouldn’t underestimate Jessica; when she needs something, she’ll use anything.

Finally, it’s evening again, and they can’t stay any longer. Jessica kicks the door, denting it a little more, growling in frustration.

“He’s a liar! The thief’s a liar!” Jessica shrilly exclaims.

TaeYeon tries her best to stay calm, just because Jessica doesn’t like people laughing at her anger and frustration. “He’s a thief, Sica. He’s supposed to lie. He makes lies all the time.”

“Well—!” Jessica crosses her arms and exhales through her nose. It’s another sleepless night, another adventure for her all over again.

~+~

It’s the season, maybe. It has to be. She went over to TaeYeon’s place today, and had found the TaeYeon’s windows shut, seeing blinds falling over the windows Jessica never knew had been there. She cups and yells out TaeYeon’s name, but no one answers.

Her shoulders droop and she rubs her hands together at the cold. It’s colder today, but it’s always colder when TaeYeon’s not here. She has just figured out how locks work exactly and she wants to try out another method. But she can’t do that without TaeYeon, which is a waste since she might not feel as productive tomorrow, or when TaeYeon comes back.

She feels hands clamp over her shoulders and her first instinct is to scream, but a hand covers and muffles her scream.

“Hey, hey, Jessica,” she calms down at the voice and turns around in her mother’s grip.

“Mom?”

“Yes, sweetie. What are you doing out here in the cold?”

“Waiting for TaeYeon.”

“Sweetie,” her mom pauses, seemingly unsure of how to start, but she gets down to her knees to look at Jessica in the eyes. She brushes Jessica’s hair back, and neatens the girl’s fringe before sighing deeply and going on. “Darling, TaeYeon’s sick.”

“Oh,” back then, sick means flu, fever or cough. It’s got to be one of these three things because it’s all Jessica has ever been through. “She’ll be back soon, right? Because we have things to do and an adventure to go for.”

Jessica’s mom smiles at her daughter, a soft gentle smile that reminds Jessica of the light straying through her drawn curtains in the faded mornings.

“Right.”

“Okay.”

“Let’s go home, now, okay? You can play with Krystal till TaeYeon gets back.”

Jessica’s mom hurries her along the pavement, prodding her back to go on and telling her to hurry when she looks back at the house. It’s odd how all her happiness and her excitement is drained, gone and bitter.

She’ll have to go on an adventure with Krystal and Toto instead. But she could only think of the shed all the time.

And TaeYeon, of course TaeYeon.

~+~

It’s been days, then weeks, then autumn is saying goodbye in its chilly frostiness when winter says hello in a wintry morning.

Jessica wonders how the shed looks like in the snow, if the birds are still there, or if the dents from last time are still there.

She hasn’t heard from TaeYeon and though it angers her that her best friend has not said anything to her, she is patiently waiting to go on another adventure.

Her father is in the living room, as usual, waiting for his pill to dissolve in the water as he reads his newspaper. The mood isn’t right today, because the television isn’t switched on, and her mother is not in the kitchen serving breakfast, but is on the armchair, seemingly waiting for someone.

“Oh, Jessica, you’re awake,” her father folds the newspaper in half and sets in on the table.

Jessica nods sleepily and rubs the sleep out of her eyes. Her mother looks at her through the corners of her eyes and calls out for her as she walks past.

“Jessi, please come here.”

Jessica obeys, standing before her mother in her colourful pyjamas, looking sulky for having woken up too early.

When her mother talks, she talks slowly and precisely, “We’re going to see TaeYeon today.”

Jessica feels like jumping already. Finally, they could crack open the lock and meet new people and have some fun. She disregards the fact that she doesn’t usually ‘see’ TaeYeon because TaeYeon usually goes to her. The end of missing someone really feels great.

“When are we going?”

“After lunch?” her mother glances at her father uncertainly, only for her dad to give an approving nod. “We’ll take the car.”

~+~

There’s that old barber who gives out free candy, then there’s the bakery TaeYeon steals the cakes and pastries from. There’s the candy shop Jessica likes, the expensive shop she’s been told never to step into because she might break something her parents are not willing to pay for, then there at the end of the road is the hideout they go to when they have nothing to do.

But her father drives past all that, cancelling out the possible places for TaeYeon to be at.

“Hey, dad, where are we going?” she asks as she looks out the window.

It’s just her, her mom and her dad. Krystal’s at home with the nanny and Toto can’t come because the place they’re going to doesn’t allow animals.

“To see TaeYeon. Here,” her dad reaches for the bag of cookies and passes it to her, the other hand on the steering wheel.

Jessica purses her lips but her mother is silent and so is she. She accepts the cookies, but doesn’t open the sealed packet. It’s from her favourite store, her favourite kind. But it won’t be nice to open it without TaeYeon. Sweet things are sweeter shared.

“Aren’t you going to eat that, sweetheart?” her mom asks and Jessica shakes her head, like it’s the most obvious thing.

Her eyes are still looking outside when she answers, “I’ll open these with TaeYeon.”

They nod and the drive goes on in silence, but Jessica can’t help the sinking feeling in her gut that they’re heading into the Dreaded Place.

~+~

This place is horrible, and Jessica cowers away from the nurse with red plastic smiles and clacking heels down the corridor. It smells of stretched rubber gloves and antiseptic lotion. The wall is a sterile white, with wallpapers of pale blue in some rooms Jessica has peeked in.

This place calls for discipline, strict orderliness Jessica isn’t used to. She doesn’t like it. It feels claustrophobic, the grip the blank-eyed people have on her. They look at her with meaning in their eyes and she looks up to her parents to see if she sees the same thing as she does, but it seems to her that she doesn’t, because they’re just walking on and asking the staff for directions.

This is the Dreaded Place.

They lead her past nurseries of small babies in cots and incubators (Jessica almost begged to stay there and not go on), past the wards of the elderlies and the sick, past the television room with a girl sitting on the chair, staring at the wall brokenly, like she’s just lost the world, and they lead her to this place.

This special place, they call it. But for Jessica, it’s only special because TaeYeon is there.

She looks at TaeYeon. TaeYeon looks at her.

Jessica’s mouth opens to say things she had held back on when TaeYeon hadn’t been around, but she grips the bag of cookies so tightly that she feels the plastic beginning to tear.

Her first impulse is to run away and hide under her blankets or go back to look at the sky as she had done with TaeYeon before, because this kid wrapped in blankets isn’t TaeYeon. TaeYeon is spring and this kid here is autumn. TaeYeon has flesh, that’s for real. This small kid reminds her of the branches of trees in autumn. The skin hugs her bones and there’s nothing else but that.

But then Jessica dares herself to look into TaeYeon’s eyes, and she sees the familiar light, the sparkle she has injected into TaeYeon herself.

“I…I don’t—” the bag she’s gripping too tightly in her hands burst, and cookies scatter all over the floor.

She hears the gentle gasps of TaeYeon’s mom and her mom, as they bend down to pick up the cookies. Then she cries, because she doesn’t understand.

Something is happening to TaeYeon. Jessica cries because TaeYeon is still smiling at her. That same old smile that looks like the devil’s child has come back to play, the one Jessica always likes to see in any light.

~+~

“Here, kiddo,” her hair is gently ruffled, affectionately, the only kind of touch a father gives

She feels something warm being pressing into her palm, and she looks down into the small cup of coffee.

“I remember my first cup of coffee,” her father sits back next to her in the waiting room where Jessica had seen the girl earlier, “I was around your age, and the funny thing was that I hated coffee at first. But then I had night shifts and I learnt to like it, the love it. Eventually, I can’t go a day without it.”

She nods because she can’t say anything else. This is just simple talk, the kind people say to pass time. The shed, she thinks, take me back to the shed.

“What’s—you’re not supposed to give her coffee!” her mother pushes through the door, looking frail and tiny with that shawl over her shoulders. She glares at Jessica’s dad, mouth opening to reprimand but coming out as a tired sigh. “You’re supposed to get her a cup of Milo, or hot chocolate. Not coffee.”

Her father shrugs, not concerned. “She’s going to need the energy to stay up to get past that lock.”

She looks to her father and her father winks at her, finishing his cup of coffee and tossing it into the trashcan.

“Come on, kiddo. The doctor says we can go in now,” her father smiles and Jessica only wonders how much he knows, or if he knows anything at all.

When Jessica’s walking out of the room, her legs don’t feel like her own. They feel like some rubbery substance that melts into the floor. But that’d be okay, because Jessica doesn’t want to go.

She hears her parents whisper behind her back. She may be small, but she listens well.

“How is she?”

“The doc says it’s not going too well. She might need to go to the city to seek further treatment.”

Jessica silently prays the city is at least better than the Dreaded Place.

~+~

The windows are shut when she comes into the room, heavy curtains drawn. Only the nightlight is on and Jessica can only see part of TaeYeon’s face in it.

Jessica looks at her feet and hangs her head, hands curling into fists by her side. “We were supposed to go on adventures.”

“I know, Sica, I know.”

It’s the first time hearing TaeYeon speak since she last left and her unusually softer voice makes Jessica look up into TaeYeon’s eyes, only letting TaeYeon know her real anger inside.

“You’re not supposed to be stuck here in the Dreaded Place. We promised this would never happen. When I broke my arm, my mom and dad had to call the doctor in because we promised not to go to the Dreaded Place,” she says, but her voice is steely, eyes red and occasionally glistening, though TaeYeon can’t really see in this light.

“I can’t help it,” TaeYeon looks away. “I’m sorry, Sica, but I don’t think—”

“They’re taking you away!” Jessica finally bursts, like violent waves crashing down onto the shore and then rolling back into the tides, taking everything away and putting everything where it shouldn’t be. It’s a mess.

And even then, TaeYeon is quiet. “Well, I can’t stay here, Sica.”

“You’re not supposed to. You come home with me. And figure out how the hell the lock opens.”

“Jessica, I really—”

“No more!” Jessica clamps her hands over her ears, unaware of the hot tears wetting her face. “I don’t want to hear anymore!”

Now TaeYeon only looks helpless, and she struggles to get out of bed, but she can’t seem to do it. There are too many wires and needles attached to her, and they sink deep into her skin, but not like how Jessica sinks deep into her flesh.

Jessica is only eight. If a grown man breaks down and weeps to save a beloved, how can they expect Jessica to be smiling and greeting TaeYeon like she’s still…TaeYeon?

It just doesn’t happen.

“Jessica, I’m—,” TaeYeon takes a deep breath, chest constricting, “I’m so sorry. But I can’t. My adventure stops here.”

“We’re supposed to figure out how to get the lock open! We’re supposed to find out what’s in the shed!”

“I can’t, Sica!” TaeYeon finally raises her voice, but then falls back into the silence.

It’s too cruel. She’s still so young. She hasn’t had the fullest adventure with Jessica and Krystal and Toto yet. She hasn’t opened the shed yet. Surely she can’t go now.

Jessica looks at her, and right there and then, TaeYeon realises that Jessica doesn’t understand the world too. They don’t understand how the world works, why they function this way.

“What—,” TaeYeon gasps, tears coming out on their own, “what joke is this? Why are they so cruel? I can’t go now, Sica. I really don’t want to go. I’m scared, Sica, I don’t want to go.”

Jessica slowly moves to TaeYeon’s bed, feeling TaeYeon’s bony arms with conflicting emotions, and slipping her hand into the dip of TaeYeon’s shoulder. And even though she doesn’t understand and TaeYeon’s facing the wall, she lowers her forehead against TaeYeon’s wet cheek, sleek with tears.

“Please don’t let them take me,” TaeYeon whispers.

It’s only then does Jessica realise that if they had done things differently, if she had never met TaeYeon, she won’t have to feel this pain now.

But what is life without TaeYeon?

It’s just void. A void of no emotions. No adventure.

Right now, Jessica seals her promise into TaeYeon’s tears.

“I’ll never let anyone take you.”

~+~

Innocence. You have that word.

Then you have reality.

You have dreams, a longing for adventure, but then you come back to that word again. Reality.

They co-exist, living in each other. Your dreams are based on the realities you know and think of, and your realities are the dreams you can’t have, or don’t have yet.

Like leaves falling, or flowers blooming.

She sways the swing, goes higher and higher. Up and up she goes. She doesn’t want to go down, but eventually, she sees the sun setting and she rakes her feet across the sand, stopping the momentum and halting the swing. She sits there for a moment longer, and she thinks of innocence.

It’s good that the young die innocent, right?

Because then TaeYeon would be forever innocent.

She never did find out what’s in the shed, because she spent days and nights in the Dreaded Place with TaeYeon. They shared their own adventures underneath blankets, in the dark room lit up only by the nightlight. By the time she got back, and everything was over, the shed had been knocked down by the contracted and cleared away, along with all the memories that metal place contained. She was upset at first, but then figured it’d be better not knowing. She’ll always wonder what’s inside, but she likes to think of the shed to be the keeper of her innocence. She’ll always be innocent when thinking of the shed. And TaeYeon.

TaeYeon lives in innocence, her innocence.

“I hear a song, TaeYeon,” she sways the swing slowly, “the trees are speaking and the leaves are whispering to me of autumn. But the song, you’ll never know, Tae. It’s a secret I’ve promised not to tell.”

—ジュリエット