Hyukjae felt sorry for Donghae. Felt sorry for him, because he couldn't stand being alone, wasn't able to be lonely and therefore took the easiest route to avoid this fear. Being with Siwon. For Donghae, it was easier to pretend to love someone he had no feelings for than to live in solitude. Have no one who'd carry him to sleep, no shoulder to lean on, no nothing but simply being alone. But loneliness can't be shooed away by every person.

Hyukjae felt sorry for Siwon, because he tried so hard. Tried so hard to bring Donghae to love him back, hurt by both emotional rejection and physical affection. Siwon knew that he was just something better than loneliness for Donghae, a plushie to hug at night, a mirror to kiss, a gap to fill in. He gave everything to Donghae, knowing that it was not enough. Destroying the feelings of a man who deserved more than getting rejected on only the emotional level.

Love is like that, conjuring a smile on your face when it comes but when it leaves, it feels like a part of your soul is departing your body. Permanently.

But most of all, Hyukjae felt sorry for himself. Not only because he felt so burdened by knowledge, but because he knew who could actually unloose the knot that had formed in his stomach long ago. The worst thing about self-pity is that it lies in your own mistakes, is actually your own fault. You can't change your thoughts and wishes but you can change your actions and efforts to put them into reality.

Their friendship had crossed the line long ago, long before their fans started to ram Eunhae-fansigns into their faces, their close relationship crumbling with every letter and syllable. A short and careful peck on each others lips making it clear for Hyukjae that the other man was indeed the person he loved. A blink of an eye making it clear for Donghae that this meant trouble, and trouble was not what he wanted. They were so young, back then, greedy in love and life.

Sometimes, Hyukjae wondered what would have happened if they shared their first kiss at a different place and time. Would they be happy? Would he be in Siwon's place?

He didn't mean to eavesdrop, didn't mean to open the door only a slit but the sounds coming from behind moved his body like attached strings of a puppeteer. And when he saw Donghae's eyes, closed and anything but in pleasure, his feet locked, Hyukjae couldn't look away. Couldn't look away from the teeth on his lips, the wrinkles between his eyebrows, the arms around Siwon's back and his tights. Skin once bathed in bliss, forehead sweaty and sticky with brown, short strands. Hyukjae wasn't meant to see this, didn't want to see this. Would he be in Siwon's place? The knot tightened and commanded his feet to move, move away from this nightmare and hell of feelings as fast as possible.

He sat on the couch while he waited for the other members to get ready for the concert, head empty with nothing but one thought. How am I supposed to feel? What was he supposed to think, the knot is his stomach swirling around and caging every reasonable conclusion. Anger towards Siwon? Disappointment towards Donghae? Both towards himself?

And then suddenly, he felt Leeteuk's hand on his shoulder, eyes crossing their ways when the older man said words that were only for his ears. “You're not the only one who notices how Donghae feels.” At least one thought obtaining Hyukjae's mind, This is a good hyung. ”But you are probably the only one who can change it.”

Donghae entered the door with eyes that screamed of hurt, loneliness, tiredness, everything he never wanted but still faced and Hyukjae sprung upwards, grabbing his arms without waiting for a reaction. Tugging him along to a place only the two of them existed – no fansigns, no screaming, no band members, no Siwon and no past mistakes and regrets. Thumb rubbing over wrist as they faced each other. “You are not this strong, Donghae...” He wasn't thinking, didn't know what he was supposed to think at a moment like this. If he was supposed to think at all.“Just... Cry already.”

And it was like words formed a hammer of emotions destroying the dam that held back the tears. Letting the bolt slide over hardness inside as tears slid down pale skin, eyes not blinking because they were afraid that this moment could vanish and relieved that it was still here when they did. These eyes on Donghae, the eyes of Lee Hyukjae that have always been on him through the maze of desperation and determination. These eyes that filled with equally soft water because Hyukjae wished that he could cry in Donghae's place, even if every tear in the world was to pool in his tiny frames.

And while they couldn't break their bond, physically just the touch of palms but actually so much stronger and thicker from one moment to another, they noticed how pathetic they must actually look. Two grown men, holding hands and staring at each other while crying their heart out. Not aware of who and where they were, too lost in the moment and the feeling of having someone who understood you.

Donghae couldn't help but smile at the ridiculousness of the situation, traced the smeared make-up along Hyukjae's lids and the reflection of his sobbing self in the iris of honesty he was facing. Traced the tears that were beautifully running down the sharp jaw across of him, adsorbed by the outfit and heart. Minutes passed on the clock; Years of subconscious presence passed between the two of them.

“Why are you smiling?” Hyukjae had asked. And the original reason blurred into fog, feeling heavy and uncomfortable on Donghae's skin, unable to form into letters as he answered with a question. “Why are you crying?”

Hyukjae counted the pulse under his fingertips, Donghae's wrists and skin, the first balance in his life since a long time. And the lips moved on their own, edges moving up slightly as he smiled at himself in a mingle of sorrow and bliss. The feelings of his lips curling ever so slightly felt rusty and old, long forgotten and frail. A motion that has been gone even longer than the words between Donghae and him.

Sorrow because he had claimed Donghae was the one that had to be rescued.

Bliss because Donghae rescued him without many words, the touch of their hands and the thin lips forming a slim smile being more of a confession than syllables could ever be, revealing a truth everyone seemed to have known about but them.

“I saved up my tears for you.”

“Solitude is to the mind, what diet is to the body.”

//sobs quietly at the ridiculousness of all my feelings right now and because it's 3:45am

sorry to all those who want this longer but... no. it ends here and it's good that it ends here or do you want me to kill myself

love is appreciated!