”Jiyongie…”

”I love you.”

I hear those words. Three small words I love to hear only you say, but they never come with the way they should. Your love for me is real, but it’s not deep. It’s not the way I love you. I give you faint smile and watch you close your eyes and slowly drift into sleep.  A sigh escapes from my lips as I feel the urge to just tell you all, show you my true feelings but I won’t. I can’t.
Your lips curl into a peaceful smile as you sleep away, a true smile. Something I haven’t seen you do for a long time. Your bubbly and happy self was gone. The part that always made you glow was gone the day you met him. Your other part as you liked to call him. But he was a part that took the happiness and replaced it with sadness and tears. I let my finger run across your cheek, just softly so I won’t wake you up. You’re on your most peaceful state, I want you to stay like that.

Your tears had dried, but I still see the lines. Your mascara was smudged but you’re still beautiful. You were never nothing less than beautiful. But he didn’t see that and slowly you made changes, all for him. I saw you slowly drifting away from your true self. And as much as I hated you cry after he had once again hurt you, it was the only time I saw the real you, the only time I saw my best friend.  My other half.
Your body leaned more against mine until your face was buried deep into my chest, your skin against mine. I felt your hot breath; it made my insides turn. The closeness was both my heaven and hell. Being so close to you but never close enough was killing me but I never did anything about it. I never told you that, I never could do that. Because you loved him. He was your other half, while you were mine.

But still I keep quiet, keep them all in.


When you speak of him, you look so happy
You look happy

It’s good that you can be this happy

 I’m happy . . .
 

He was different and that was what draws him into you. You loved the way he was different, the way he was confident but you didn’t see the difference between the confidence and cockiness. He was older and provided you everything you needed, but so could I. I could’ve given you much more than that. I could have given you love.  Love that didn’t hurt. One that kept you happy, but you never saw that. For you I was the best friend, your shoulder to cry on. So I let you do so while I cried by myself and never showed you the tears. Hours had passed by and watched you slowly wake up. The first thing you do is reach for your cellphones.

“No calls… no messages.”

I sense the frustration in your voice, see the sadness wash over you and the peaceful smile gone. Then the same thing happens, you lean away. Get out of the bed while gathering your stuff, getting ready to leave. You were waiting for him to call or even send you a message, but he never did that. After every fight you were the one to apologize even though it’s his fault. Looking at me you smile, it doesn’t reach your eyes. I smile back, it doesn’t reach mine.

“I’m sure you will work it out.”

I say that and even though it pains me I won’t show it. For you I do everything, even if I wish my own words to never happen. But if it makes you happy, I’m happy. You sigh and nod, uncertain of it but you nod because that’s what you want. You want it to work it out because your love for him is too deep, it had made you blind. It had turned you numb to any other feeling than love for him.

“We will…”

You say, no you whisper. For a split of a second I hear doubt in your voice but you turn around and prove it wrong. You leave and go back to him. Back to let him hurt you. And I stay quiet and watch you go.

Letting you hurt me.