Open wounds and a pool of blood

A pair of eyes all too familiar to her

+

It’s the same dream every night for as long as she can remember. It was something that had become a part of her, the dreams that felt all too real.

“Hyunsik” she wakes up, beads of sweat rolling down her forehead.

The light refracts off the window pane and hits the wall allowing an array of colours to paint the wall. It was the first day of spring and it was obvious. The clouds had begun to clear although the fence was still covered with raindrops that hung lazily onto the surface. The sound of birds chirping reached her ears and his voice greets her for the first time in a while “Yes?” he turns around, the sunlight falls over his shoulder.

“How did you get in here?” she’s awake and fully aware that her best friend is standing there staring at her with weird eyes all over again and she doesn’t like it when he does that.

“Through the door?”

Ara falls back onto her bed, swallowed by her mattress and bed sheets and wrapped gently in the layers of her blanket like a caterpillar in a cocoon “It’s the first day of school and you’re going to be late”

“You’ll be late too”

“I don’t go to school anymore remember”

“Well maybe if you stopped disappearing for days on end”

“Come on, get up – I brought you breakfast”

Ara moans but the smell of bacon and eggs on a warmly toasted muffin invites her to wake up. “Banana milk or orange juice?” he holds up both up to her as an offering but he pushes the banana closer to her because he knows that there really was never a choice with her. She takes it happily and takes a sip from the straw.

Without words, or acknowledgment they both dig into their food. Never mind that she was in bed, never mind that crumbs were landing all over her sheets Ara had missed spending time with him. Being little kids they were always side by side, Ara had hoped that as they grew into adults nothing would change.

Sadly it did

 “Are you going to finally tell me what you get up to when you go missing for days on end?”

 “What do you think I get up to?” he replies as per usual

+

When the homeroom teacher enters the classroom, Ara props up her elbows and pretends to listen attentively.  Between new students coming and old students leaving it was a surprise how anyone managed to study with the constant changes. She stares outside the window dazedly and watched as the birds cut across the blue sky and the trees dance in the breeze.

“You can sit there... next to Ara” she snaps back to reality when she sees the new student walking towards her

“Hi, I’m Kim Myungsoo” he extends his arm from across the table and she reaches for his

She grabs his finger tips carefully as if afraid to touch him

“Hi, I’m Ara…Yoo Ara”

“Nice to meet you Ara Yoo Ara” he grins observing her odd behaviour

Ara is bewildered by the new boy; he was different from the others and really different from Hyunsik that’s for sure.

+

The grumbling sound from her stomach echoes in the empty classroom as she sits on the window sill lazily. The day had grown warmer and the morning dew had already dried. The only thing preventing this day from being disgustingly hot was the cool wind that swept through the classroom, causing the wind chimes to clash and the sheets on the wall to rustle.

She was waiting - waiting for Hyunsik to come with his famous homemade lunch box that he had promised to make for her every time he left her alone, for days on end.

Ara could see the entire school playground from where she sat, but her eyes were directed to the top of the building where she saw a stream of smoke disperse into the air. It carried the disgusting cigarette smell across the classroom clashing with the lavenders that rested on the windowsill beside her. She had wondered who would be rebellious to light a cigarette during school hours.

‘Kim Myungsoo’

She sees him resting over the ledge of the rooftop, cigarette dangling from his fingers, taking in the view of the entire building. Ara follows his eyes and looks behind her, wondering what the young boy was staring at. She wasn’t sure yet as she turned around she found him staring at her. Though they were on two different levels, literally, the distance between them was only really a body’s length. The protruding area in which Myungsoo stood allowed him to spot her clearly.

Ara sees the ashes fall off the tip of the cigarette and both of their eyes follow it as if looking for something else to watch rather than acknowledging each other’s existence. There’s a lump of awkwardness that floats in the air between them before she looks up, greeted by his voice “Hi” he says softly, fingers waving to her.

“Hi” she raises her hand slowly whilst he takes another puff of his cigarette, the smoke seeping through his pursed lips and a smile appears on his handsome face as a chuckle escapes his lips

The awkwardness begins to fade into a comfortable silence

It wasn’t bad

It’s not bad at all

+
 

Ara stares at her phone, waiting, hoping that Hyunsik would reply - she was lying to herself though because she knows that Hyunsik never answers his phone. He might as well be dead to her sometimes because only the dead make it this hard to contact them.

She had gone home hungry today when Hyunsik failed to appear without her lunch because as always Ara trusted Hyunsik.

Stripping down to a comfortable giant t-shirt that she drags over her legs, Ara locks herself away with a glass of milk and a tasty cheese and ham sandwich. The sun had already resigned for the day and the half moon was out tonight. She checks her phone for the umpteenth time and tosses her phone onto the floor in annoyance and retreats to her bed. Uttering something about how she’s going to sow the phone to his hand the next time she sees him. Just as she does the screen lights up and before she knows it Ara’s dove straight onto the floor.

There are only so many times your best friend can disappoint you in one day. So far Hyunsik’s done it twice.

+

Sometimes the cries are almost deafening, the sounds of the ambulances rushing to the scene and the static from the walkie talkies.

“We’ve got a casualty”

Open wounds and a pool of blood

A pair of eyes all too familiar to her

+

Ara met Hyunsik when she was 6 years old and he was the same age as her. She had arrived in hospital after a car accident left her mother with a broken leg and her father and herself with a few cuts and grazes. She meets Hyunsik in an empty hospital ward. He was by himself, crying. “Are you ok?”

She approaches the young boy carefully and notices the stain of blood on the sleeve of his shirt. She frowns and reaches out for him slowly “You’re bleeding” she pokes at his wound gently and he doesn’t budge from his position.

“Do you want me to help you fix that up?” she grins

Hyunsik lifts his head ever so slowly and with wide eyes (as wide as he could), asks her innocently “Really?”

“The man in the white coat fixed me up before when I was bleeding” she flashes him her bandaged arm and begins to search around the empty room

 “Can you really do it?”

“Don’t worry, I play doctors with my cousin all the time” she laughs “I’m always the doctor” she whispers proudly

+

“Hello Ara Yoo Ara” he takes the seat opposite her with his own tray of food and Ara looks at him quizzically.

“I think you’re wanted over at the other table” Ara points and Myungsoo follows the direction of her finger right into a crowd of girls who were seething with jealousy. Except as soon as Myungsoo laid his eyes on them, they reverted back to prettying themselves up and Myungsoo laughs.

“Not my type”

Ara shrugs her shoulder and tags another jab at the poor looking plate of salad in front of her. “Look if you want to talk about your incident on the school rooftop-”

“I wasn-”

“I wasn’t going to tell”

“Why not?”

“I’m not a model student, there’s no gain in me telling them and plus it’s not my business”

Myungsoo smiles and leans uncomfortably close to her face and Ara can hear the squeals of the girls from the side full of ‘Don’t do it’ ‘This can’t be happening’ ‘What does Yoo Are have that I don’t?’

“You-“ he grins, “You are my type”

Ara stares at him wide-eyed and quizzically “I really prefer it if you don’t give the other girls false impressions about us” Are pulls away and she can hear the sighs of relief beside her.

“No, I like you Ara, Yoo Ara” he smirks “Don’t change ok” he gives her a child like grin, full of mischief and Ara scoffs, almost choking on the cherry tomatoes as they try to finish their lunch in silence.

‘Who does Yoo Ara think she is? How dare she reject him?’ ‘I would love him’

+

Ara misses the days when she would turn the corner and meet Hyunsik sitting on the brick wall, just out of view from the teachers and school principle. He’d walk her to the front of her house before he’d leave, ironically enough Hyunsik thinks it’s ok for him to act like a protective older brother when he’s around but finds it perfectly normal for him to leave her to fend for herself when he disappears.

Still there’s no Hyunsik today, there hasn’t been any Hyunsik for a week.  These days it’s Myungsoo who’s insistent on walking home together because his house is a few blocks away. It’s a new tradition now and something Ara doesn’t mind. She’d never openly admit it but she’s glad that she has Myungsoo to talk to, someone to take her mind of Hyunsik and whether or not he’s dead and his body has been dumped in the sewers (it was a possibility every time he disappeared).

+

Ara finds him on the rooftop of the school building one evening. For the first time she finds a shell of a broken man, body resting against the battered brick wall. He stares at her intently for a while and it’s him that makes the first move. The cigarette moving slowly to his lips before she stops him with her words “Can you please stop?” she asks for the first time.

He looks over her, cigarette hovering close and he drops it down to his side again “Why do you care?” he says gently, a tint of sadness in his voice

She pauses, wondering why there was a sense of urgency in her voice.

“It’s bad for you” she scrambles her thoughts to find the right words to explain to him what she meant, “Running away won’t make you a better person”

Myungsoo was a democrat’s son. His father had been in the newspaper for the past week for a scandal involving taxpayer’s money. It didn’t put him in a good light and affected their entire family. For the past few days Myungsoo had been avoiding the paparazzi like the plague. The rooftop was the only place he could find solitude.

Still he brushes off her childish remarks and takes another puff of the disgusting cancer stick in his hand. He holds his breath for a second and releases the smoke into the air. She watches as the white streams rush out of his mouth, and he’s already pressed the cigarette against his lips again

“Stop it! Stop it!” she says with more urgency and desperation, holding his arm tightly, preventing him from taking another puff.

“Kiss me, then I’ll stop”

“What?”

“Kiss me, and I’ll stop” he smirks at Ara’s hesitance

There was a stark contrast between the boy who sits beside her in class, the boy who charms her at lunch and walks her home every afternoon to the boy that she saw on the rooftop with the cigarette between his lips. Right now they appeared to be two different individuals. It’s also the first time she notices the shadows in his eyes and it makes her wonder if they’ve always been there.

He takes another puff and she lunges at him, taking a gentle bite of his lower lip as the smoke left his lips and touched hers, leaving a smoky taste hovering on her tongue as she pulls away and leaving Myungsoo with a satisfied grin on his face.

“You’re a jerk”

“I like you Yoo Ara, at least believe this much,” he confesses

+

“You disappeared again”

She finds him a month later in the same place she had been searching for him every day for the past month. It was their secret. A little secluded place where she would escape to whenever they wanted. When they were younger whenever Ara was upset she would run to the lake, there behind a shroud of bushes and rocks she would hide until Hyunsik came to find her. Hyunsik always knew where to find her. It was a place only they knew.

“I know” Hyunsik doesn’t face her, his feet dipping into the water allowing the sun to bounce off his angelic face

“It worries me” Ara says sincerely

“Me too”

Ara looks over curiously at Hyunsik “Where do you go?”

She asks this time expecting the same answer she gets, and still she wants Hyunsik to at least confide in her

“Anywhere I want”

It’s a different answer this time and it takes Ara back “Where is that?”

“You won’t find it on a map” Hyunsik replies and ends their conversation

Ara approaches the river slowly and takes a seat beside him. “There’s someone in my class...” Ara begins slowly and Hyunsik nods

“I know”

“You do? How?”

(It’s written all over your place – you’re happy…)

“There’s nothing about my best friend that I don’t know about” he pinches her nose “I don’t expect you to wait around forever for me” Hyunsik tousles her hair and turns his face back towards the subset

(And if you’re happy, I’m happy - supposedly)

“I’ll catch you later ok?” he smiles, pulling his feet out of the water

“What about later?”

“Only if you want”

He waves to her without turning back.

+

The car swerves and one of the last things Ara remembers is her body being pulled back by the seatbelt strapped around her shoulder and chest.

Sometimes the cries are almost deafening, the sounds of the ambulances rushing to the scene and the static from the walkie-talkies.

“We’ve got a casualty”

Open wounds and a pool of blood

A pair of eyes all too familiar to her

+

It was an evening in autumn when Ara stays behind in the classroom whilst everyone was leaving for home. Myungsoo had asked her to stay behind with him because he wanted to show her something in the auditorium but he wouldn’t require her presence for another hour. So Ara finds herself back on the windowsill where she usually sits and staring mindless out the window when she spots a familiar shadow in the distance.

It’s Hyunsik, smiling and waving as he signals her something.

‘Come get me’

Ara furrows her eyebrows and leaps off the windowsill, running as fast as she could through the empty corridors that echoed as she ran through. She makes it out to the front when the sound of thunder comes tumbling in but Hyunsik is nowhere to be seen.

“Yoo Ara” she hears his voice again from the back as she chases his voice around the school building, across the wooden fence and into a lovely rose garden. It was the school’s garden that she had ended up in but Hyunsik was still nowhere to be seen.

“I’m tired ok, stop making me look for you”

“Peek-a-boo” his fingers run across her eyes shielding them from the white light that engulfed the area. Ara frowns and turns around, her first instinct is to slap Hyunsik as hard as she had missed him.  He squirms in pain but still laughs whilst Ara fumes. The first thing she asks him is where has he been, followed by who with and why he’s taken so long to call her.

“I’m leaving Ara” Hyunsik smiles

“Where to?”

“Somewhere like this” he points out to the rose garden they stood in as he falls back onto the grass and bed of rose petals messily blown all over the ground.

“Get up and let’s go inside and talk, the rain is coming” Ara squats over by his side, eyes closed as the breeze painted over her skin, blowing loose strands of hair in all directions.

“You used to like playing in the rain” Hyunsik frowns and sits up, legs crossed staring straight at her.

“Please Hyunsik, be serious”

“I’m leaving Ara” he smiles “I’m serious”

“Where to?” she asks again

“Somewhere like this”

She swears, “You’re driving me insane” she brushes the invisible specks of dust off her skirt and walks away from him.

He chases after her and grabs her wrist, pulling her across the green field towards the rusty train track. He stands in front and takes a glance at his watch. “Promise me, no matter what happens, you’ll stay in this spot” he takes a quick glance at the train tracks ten meters away from him.

“What are we doing?”

“Just promise me, promise me on all of our years of friendship, promise me you’ll trust me this once”

“I-” she stutters trying to grasp the situation at hand. Hyunsik had always been like this. From the moment he began to wander away from her, she had never been able to get a proper answer from him. “I promise,” she answers reluctantly.

The bell begins to ring as the red light begins to flash in front of her eyes and so he leaves her side. The safety gate starts to lower signalling a train was due to pass any second now. Hyunsik slips onto the other side and stands in the middle of the train track.

“Get off the tracks, there’s a train coming!” she says urgently. There’s a smile on his face that sends chills down her smile. He was so calm, so peaceful and yet as he stood there waiting for the train to hit him the smile grew wider. “You’re not that much of a sadist that you would let me witness your death would you?” she screams.

“You promised me!” he yells, the sound of the trains growing louder despite Ara’s futile cries to pull him back in

“Im Hyunsik! If you don’t get back in here I will jump after you!”

There are tears streaming from her eyes now as she screams and begs for him to climb back in

“No! Trust me! Don’t!” Hyunsik smiles “Don’t jump in front of the train ok!” he’s laughing now

“Get off!” Ara screams, the train lurching closer to them “You’ll die!”

“I won’t”

Ara can hear the train bells ringing as it turns the corner. She stares at Hyunsik, arms crossed over each other. Standing, waiting, accepting his fate, and still in the face of death, he seemed so peaceful. The train seems to be moving without stopping, and Ara isn’t sure why the conductor won’t stop, or why Hyunsik wants to kill himself.

“You can’t kill a dead person,” he shouts back.

With a swift hit the train runs it’s course and it seems that no one except Ara had managed to witness the young man being hit on the train tracks.

+

“Are we there yet dad?” Ara leans forward between the front seats.

“We will be soon, are you excited to visit your grandma?” he glances over his shoulder and for a split second takes his eyes off the road

“Honey!” he hears his wife’s cry

The car swerves and one of the last things Ara remembers is her body being pulled back by the seatbelt strapped around her shoulder and chest.

Sometimes the cries are almost deafening, the sounds of the ambulances rushing to the scene and the static from the walkie-talkies.

“We’ve got a casualty”

Open wounds and a pool of blood

A pair of eyes all too familiar to her

+

 “Are you ok?” He’s walking towards her now, a grin across his face. He hadn’t a scratch on his skin but more importantly he’s still alive and yet apparently not. “Do you remember now?” Unknowingly tears had already begun to drench her face, his hands caressing her cheek causing a blue glow to omit from his hands “Do you remember Ara?”

She had remembered him.

+

She was awoken when the ambulance officer pulled her body out of the wreckage, as her mother lay crying in pain Ara turned around and saw the cause of the accident. Lying unconscious as Hyunsik’s pale face oozed of thick, red blood with his arms and legs twisted and distorted. His bones were broken and body bruised and bloody.

They slowly pulled the sheet over his body but the young man’s eyes were still opened, they were staring straight at her. His face had never left her.

+

Ara looked back at him, eyes imitating his the last time she saw.

 “You died”

“I’ve been dead for a while now” he lets out a light hearted chuckle – as light hearted as anyone can in a situation like this and pulls away.

Ara shook her head “But it’s a dream, it can’t be”

“I wish it was too”

“Did it hurt?”

Hyunsik pauses, his cheekiness showing “No” and he’s smiling again –that infamous smile that reaches his eyes and causes them to form crescents on his angelic face and disappear.

“Don’t lie”

“Maybe just a bit”

“Can I only see you?”

“Yes”

“How?”

“Because you want to”

The guilt that Ara had buried, the guilt that was impressed upon Ara had allowed her to form Hyunsik’s image. “You died because of me” she remembers “If I hadn’t distracted my dad, maybe he would’ve-“

“You’ve made me more alive than anything” he intercepts her incoherency

“This isn’t time for stupid jokes”

“You’ve kept me alive for so long” he smiles “By keeping me in here...” he points to her head, and tousles her hair gently, like a breeze that moves it out of position “and in here.” He points to her chest where her heart beats steadily where his doesn’t. “All the while the only thing I could do is watch over you”. Ara breathes as the rain slowly comes to a halt with only specks of water hanging in the air. “But I guess I won’t need to anymore” he forces a smile that contradicts his true feelings “You have Myungsoo”

She connects the dots between Hyunsik frequent disappearances to Myungsoo’s arrival. Back when her world only consisted of herself, and having imaginary tea parties, Hyunsik was always there. As they grew, as Ara grew and allowed herself to be consumed by her busy life, she often forgot about him. He couldn’t blame her though - he was oddly rather relieved. He was always concerned about how others perceived her to be, having this best friend that no one had ever met, having a best friend that was dead.

“I’ll always need you”

She gets herself onto her feet, hair drenched; make up smudged “You need someone who can give you things I couldn’t”

“Then why did you stay? Why did you be friends with me?”

Hyunsik is taken back by the hurt in Ara’s voice, almost like she was accusing him for causing her to be like this. Although she wasn’t wrong to be, Hyunsik had never intended to hurt her the way he did. He had hoped that things would never change. That so long as Ara remained the same person he had met in spirit those many years ago in hospital. Although if they were wishing for things Hyunsik would’ve wished that he would be alive. That maybe he could experience all the things a normal boy could. Like having a family to fight with and friends to play with, that he could fall in love like a normal person. But he needed a heart to fall in love, and his was no longer working.

“I didn’t want to be alone” he replies honestly, “I was scared, I was young, I didn’t want to be alone, just yet…”

“So you decided to latch onto me? Make me look like a mad woman?” her voice kept rising but the tears wouldn’t stop rolling down her flushed cheeks

“I’m sorry”

Ara leaps forward to wrap her arms around him but she falls through, knees scrapping the ground and he looks at his own body, knowing what was happening and rushes over to her. “This has never happened before”

“You’re finally letting me go” he smiles

From afar she can see his body fading as the sun rays run right through him “Don’t go, I don’t want you to go” she mumbles through her tears “I was joking, I’m not angry, I’m not angry”

“It’s been fun Ara” he squats down beside her “Don’t get yourself into anymore trouble ok”

Despite her cries of disapproval, Hyunsik’s body continues to fade.

Like a child Ara sits and cries, wanting the comfort of his arms around her but receiving none. She closes her eyes and thinks hard, wishing that if she could for just one more time hold onto him she could really let him go.

‘Please, please, please...’ she hopes with all her might

She feels herself being swooped closer before her lips collide onto his. She can feel him nibbling her upper lip and his thumb swiping the tear that ran down her cheek

She pulls away quickly because while he no longer breathes she needs to “Take care ok” he wraps his arms quickly and desperately around her “Be patient, be kind and you’ll be fine…” he whispers and Ara hugs him back quickly

“I’ll always, always be with you” she falls onto the wet gravel and her heart sinks to the pit of her stomach.

His words float in the air around her as the sun seeps through, wrapping it's rays around her body "Always" she utters and hugs her body tightly, protecting herself from the cold.

"Always"

Author's Notes: 

- I apologise for the delay in finishing this fic. Although I had an idea that I firmly believed in, it was difficult to find the words that would express my thoughts and intentions whilst staying true to the idea. It went through so many changes and although I believe that I could re-do this and give it the justice it deserves I felt like it was time to let this idea go because I can't seem to be able to find myself inspired anymore to keep editing and writng. So I've decided to put this as it is, at a place where I can be at ease with it as it is. 
- This has not been beta-ed