I sat at the table in my kitchen, head in hands, and stared at the knotholes that marred the laminate. 3 months. That’s how long it had been since I’d last seen my friend Kevin.  Darn that “f-word” again. No, no that one. “Friend”.  We’d been friends all our lives but a few years ago something had changed between us. At first I had chalked it up to his joining U-Kiss and getting famous. After all, everything had been normal when it all began, even with “Xing.”  Now it was like those Kiss Mes were everywhere, garnering all of his time and much of his attention. And it had been like that more and more so lately. Sure, I’d get the occasional text or even a phone call, letting me know how the latest concert went and such. But there was a coldness to his voice as of late and it was really starting to hurt. And it wasn’t that I didn’t understand the situation. More than anyone else, I did understand. I’d seen him through his childhood dreams and helped him make them a reality, going with him to auditions and staying up late to learn songs. Did he have some new girl he was dating? He’d had one or two before. After all, I was only his “friend”, albeit his best.

I sighed, staring at my phone. I read and reread the text he’d sent me an hour ago. Kevin was supposed to have been coming home this weekend, but had sent a brief message letting me know he couldn’t make it. Callous jerk.  I needed more of an explanation that. He barely had the grace to seem apologetic, let alone be truly sorry. I snapped the phone shut and scowled, more angry at myself for caring so much.  More and more I’d found myself thinking about him lately; it was time to admit it: I had feelings for him, and had for quite some time now.  I buried my face in my arms as the tears began to roll. This was so embarrassing! I’d never cried over a guy before, not for my cute little bubbly Korean boy, anyways.  And here I was sobbing my heart out because he hadn’t come to see me like he was supposed to.  At least I was alone in my shame.  When I’d first gotten the message, my heart had sunk within me like a ship to its final grave, cold and emotionless.

But now the dam had burst and I lay there missing my Kevin, who could never know how I felt.  I was scared to tell him because my feelings had started to grow around his U Kiss debut and I didn’t want him to think I was just another Kiss Me. I wanted to at least be in his life as a friend, not a fan.  But the distance between us had increased despite my best efforts.  It was hard to believe the cutesy, smiling boy was real at times. Once in a while his face would come up into my mind even…a blurry image at best, mental snapshots from the years we were inseparable. Nowadays it was hard for me to even remember his current hair colour half the time.  I squeezed my eyes closed and tried to stop the flood.  After a while I could sort of hear something through my snuffling.

Was that… the door? I  sat up straight, wondering who it could be.  Probably just my mom again. Pushing myself up, I headed toward the door, dreading having to tell her he’d stood me up, again. I took the chain off the hook and swung the door open. Gasping, I slammed it shut again. Was that real? I stared through the peephole to find that familiar dark eye staring back at me. He’s here! My mind raced as I rubbed my eyes, trying to fix my makeup and erase any traces of tears. CRAP! I was happy and yet...why come NOW when I’d changed out of my nice clothes and had messed up my hair? I probably looked disgusting compared to all those hot Kissmes in Korea and around the world.  Why did he lie about flying in from Korea? I smoothed down my bangs and reopened the door. He was gone.

“Kevin?” suddenly panicking, I ran into the hallway, calling his name. SMACK! I turned the corner and plowed right into him, freaking cement truck that I was.  Rubbing my forehead, I stopped as he turned around to face me. Face aflame, I could barely stammer out an apology.

“No,” he said, eyes wide.  “I…er…I’m sorry.” He stared at the ground, waiting for me to say something. It was freezing in the hallway and I shivered, not knowing how to answer.

“Sorry for what?”

“Coming.” Oh. Disappointment set in once more. He was sorry for coming? That’s not what I wanted to hear.  “You must be pretty mad at me right now, hey?  I don’t blame you for slamming the door in my face. “

“No, I wasn’t mad-well.. I didn’t shut the door on purpose… I was-“ . he cut me off.

“You’ve been crying,” he said, brushing my cheek.  Electricity zoomed through my body and I bit my lip, looking away. “I wanted to come,” he said gently, “But I thought I wouldn’t be and to. And then… the thought of not seeing you, I just couldn’t…” he stopped here, tinted pink like he’d said too much.

“But why?” I asked then. I wanted to bad to believe this was true, that he meant what he was saying. But it just didn’t mesh with all that’d happened between us. “Why were you like that one the phone? So hardhearted?” I asked. He groaned.

“I don’t get… I don’t get a lot of time to myself. I just don’t feel comfortable when there’s someone always listening. I never meant to make you feel bad.”

“And what about today? Why such a clipped, cold text?”  He flushed brightly again at this.

“I don’t want to like you. I don’t want to have feelings for you but I can’t… can’t….” he finished lamely. The words shone beautiful and bright in my mind at first, then cut me like an axe.

“You- you don’t want to like me?” I whispered, angry tears springing to my eyes anew. “What, I’m not pretty enough for you? or just too time-consuming?” I spat the words and watched them hit his face like nails as I curled into myself and began to back down the hall. And suddenly I was in his arms as he pulled me close and rested his chin on my shoulder.  I could feel his breath in my ear as he spoke.

“No, don’t you ever say that again. You’ve been my best friend my entire life and I didn’t want to ruin that, especially since I was never sure if you felt the same way.” He said it like a question, and backed up to look me in the eyes, brave face on.  All I could do was nod.  I would have given nearly anything I had to see that that smile again and that hear funny, hiccup-y laugh as he pulled me in once more and I could feel his heart beating beneath his thin blue t-shirt. For the briefest of moments our eyes met and it was TOTAL CHEESE but I didn’t care.  My first kiss.