He turned the picture over gingerly, a wistful smile on his face. His tears had long since dried out, a shameful thing on his part. He was never supposed to cry, was never supposed to show his weakness, yet he had done it. The worst part was that he showed it to thousands of people—on top of that, they were his fans. He knew they would understand, his brothers would understand, but the agency would not understand. They had the group by their necks, ordering them around like puppets without a thought in their heads.

He was so tired of it; he had never felt more suppressed in his entire life than these past two months! He was not known for being submissive, yet his entire career would be at stake if he chose to disobey. Hangeng wouldn’t want his best friend giving up everything for him, as he had proved by his silent departure. He knew how much protest the whole group would start if he even mentioned the idea.

Once he left their dorm, none of them could do anything to change his mind; it was a done deal. SM Entertainment received his lawyer’s papers the same day. Although it took quite some time, Hangeng was eventually let go by the agency, not that they had a choice, seeing as Hangeng had made his move just after JYJ did.

In a span of four months, he lost two of his closest and dearest friends—Hangeng and Jaejoong. SM immediately put a ban on contacting any of the four people, and he, of course, could not do anything about it. The company, although seemingly detached from their artists, knew how close their group was, and put down rules right away. They were closely monitored, albeit grudgingly, by their managers, who had to be informed of whom they were texting, calling, and emailing by showing them the logs.

The month of their Super Show in Beijing, their choreographers worked hard to change the dance formations to replace Hangeng’s spot. It broke his heart, knowing that this was another of SM’s steps to erase him from the group. He tried hard to keep up, and he did. But that moment when they landed in Beijing that cold January day, he just…couldn’t take it anymore.

“Heechul-ah! Don’t stand outside too long! You’ll get a cold!”

Almost as soon as he heard those sweet words, a blanket was wrapped around him, a head tucked in his shoulder. He leaned back, appreciating the heat the man was giving off, pulling the blanket from between them to over them. This was one of the reasons he stayed longer outside—the knowledge that there was someone to hold him and worry about him was enough to warm him up.

The others jokingly pushed him on the stairs, grumbling about him blocking the way, each sharing a sad glance with another. Beijing held a special meaning in their hearts, but it couldn’t compete with what it meant to Heechul. To him, Beijing was where his heart was, where his brain was (because the limbic system of the brain is really the seat of emotions), and where his love was. Heechul barely registered entering the hotel and practicing for their show, his body moving on autopilot. Once it did though, his walls broke down.

“Heechul-ah… When we get the chance, I’ll introduce you to my family...and tour you around Beijing… So, just wait for it, okay?” Hangeng murmured in his ear, the day’s events replaying in their minds.

They had a break in their schedule, something that rarely happened, especially for Hangeng, who was busy training in dance. Heechul dragged him out to a restaurant to meet with his family, introducing him as his boyfriend. It had come as a surprise that the beautiful man openly admitted they were dating to the people who mattered most to him. It was only Hangeng’s regret that he couldn’t do the same yet.

The coordi-noona handed him a hoodie, at the same time wiping away the few tears that managed to escape his eyes. His contact lenses had managed to slip off while he was crying, and since there was no time to search for replacements, she also handed him his glasses silently. He slightly bowed his head in appreciation, strength failing to keep up his image. It wasn’t until the song came on and he saw the crowd that his façade totally crashed.

“Heechul-ah… Remember, I’ll always be here for you, okay? Even if we’re miles apart, I’ll always support you and think of you…” Hangeng whispered, his hand on the doorframe, eyes raking over Heechul’s sleeping form. He couldn’t even risk a kiss on the forehead, as his princess would most certainly wake up. He tried to memorize the peaceful content on the beautiful face, uncertain of when he would next see it.

Heechul awoke to an empty bed, not unusual since Hangeng would’ve been up and cooking breakfast by that time. When he got out though, he saw an empty kitchen and a heartbroken Leeteuk, crying for the lost of his husband and one of his sons. The manager had been the one to inform him that Hangeng was already suspended, just a few months after Kangin was. His knees buckled, his senses shut down, and for the next few days, he stumbled around the dorm, lost.

A banner faced him, Hangeng’s name prominently lighted up. He tried to smile gratefully at the fans who still supported Hangeng, no matter what SM tried to censor. As his gaze dropped to the fan’s face, tears sprang up to his eyes. It couldn’t be him; SM would have done anything to stop him coming in, and he was sure the guards knew what he looked like.

Heechul bowed his head, wiping away his tears, but it couldn’t stop flowing. What he felt couldn’t be explained, sadness would be an understatement. It was world-shattering, the awareness that this was the closest they could get to each other from now on. Reality was being too harsh, allowing them to see each other like this when he hadn’t even gotten over Hangeng. It was likely he never would.

“Hangeng-ah…” he spoke softly, not wanting the managers to overhear him just as they were starting to talk.

“Heechul, what are you—you’re not supposed to do this!” The other’s panicked voice crackled over the line, worry reaching him from miles away. He could not hide his happiness at hearing the other’s voice, though it also broke his heart.

“I love you, and it doesn’t matter if the company forbids this, because I’m always going to support you too, no matter what.” He tried hard to keep his voice from breaking, knowing he needed to be strong for both of them, because he could hear his Chinaman’s stifled tears, no matter how much he tried to hide them.

The line went dead before Hangeng could answer, and he knew they had been caught. But what should it matter? They both knew the consequences and were willing to pay for it.

For what price could a love like theirs have? It was priceless.

Prompt used: "As if it never existed, as if it's okay, I can't live like that." - Boyfriend, Don't Touch My Girl.

I'd be grateful if you still subscribe even if it's complete... ^-^ Kamsahamnida for reading! :) I was in tears writing this, especially when I rewatched Heechul, Leeteuk, Donghae, Siwon SS2 Shining Star fancams... ='(