Title: The Pieces of Memory
Author: Janie95
Reviewer: ToneHarmonic

 Review:

    ♦ Title (5/5)
Your title is captivating and it relates well with the story. It also gave it an angsty and mysterious feel. Though I automatically assumed this would be something about amnesia, I'm glad you proved me wrong. Good job.



   ♦Description / Forewords (14/15)

Your description is different from all of the other's I've seen out there. It really interested me and it gave off a kind of poetic feel to it. The way you bolded some parts of the sentences was what I really liked. I only deducted one point because of the minor grammar mistakes that I'll point out soon. Also, I think you should have put the title, author, genre section and credit corner at the end of the foreword. Because at the position it's in right now, it throws the readers off.

In your description, you switched your tenses from past to present. It's always best to keep your tenses the same.

But she does not care...
Cover her ears and close her eyes tightly...
She does not care what people judge on them and their love...
She still chooses to stay by him
Now and Forever…

Correction:
But she didn't care...
She covered her ears and closed her eyes tightly...
She didn't care what people thought about them or their love...
She still chose to stay by him
Now and Forever…

All in all, your description and foreword was great. I felt that the foreword was really a nice touch.
 


   ♦Plot (23/25)

The plot was something fresh to me, a plot I haven't encountered yet. It was inventive and I applaud you for that. Judgine from your title, I was expecting something along the lines of another cliche love story where one of the characters had amnesia. I was glad it didn't.
The plot was very heart wrenching. Like, the more you read, the more your heart broke. The twist at the end caught me off-guard. Very nice job.

All in all, your plot was great. I only deducted two points becuase of the lack of explanation in Jaejoong's work. That's what the threw me off the most. I kept expecting an explanation at some point during the story, but once I saw there was none, I was a bit disappointed. I think you should've explained his job so that the readers could understand how he ended up in a comma.

Still, great job on your plot. It was unique and had interesting twists.

   ♦Character Development (18/20)

Your characters were relateable and likeable also. I could feel the pain they were feeling from the seperation and their unconditional love for each other. You showed how haggard and distraught a person could become when pushed to their limits. My only problem was Jaejoong's character, who was shrouded with mystery for most of the time.



    ♦Flow (10/10)

Your flow wasn't too fast or too slow. It went at a good pace for an angst one-shot.



    ♦Grammar and spelling (10/15)

Your grammar bothered me a bit while reading this, but you basically made the same mistakes through the entire story. Which is good. I've listed examples of your mistakes so that you won't make the same ones in the future. Also, you tend to clump some things in big paragraphs. Make sure to space things out.

-“No please, stay here with me, please, please.”- The fragile girl hugged the arm of her boyfriend. The tear stains were still on her gorgeous face but now being pale unhealthy. She attempted all her best to exhort her boyfriend, to persuade his firm decision.
Correction: "No. Please stay here with me, please? Please?" the fragile girl hugged the arm of her boyfriend. The tears stained her gorgeous, yet pale and now unhealthy-looking face. [There's no need for a dash after your dialogue. If your sentence ends in a period, a comma should be used to replace it. But since it ends in a question mark, a question mark is fine. Also, don't capitalize the word after the dialogue.]

-Your tenses is what changes a lot in the story. You should take time to find your mistakes and compare them to the one's in from the foreword because honestly, they're the same kind of mistakes.
 
Sometimes, the way you phrase things doesn't make sense. Such as:

-"Her head was like contained the ton of rocks."
Correction: Her head felt like it contained a ton of bricks.

That's basically the bulk of it. Your mistakes weren't too major and their something you can learn from.

As for the flashbacks, instead of putting '~Flashback~', you can just put it in italics. Your writing leads to it so it's best if you do that instead.



    ♦Enjoyment (8/10)

I enjoyed your story a lot because it was unique! I was a bit disappointed by the lack of explanation about Jaejoong though. It's different from the run-of-the-mill angst one-shots found floating around here on AFF.

►Overall score = 88/100


♦Reviewers Comment:

Your writing style is great for angst and your plot was imaginative. Just work on your grammar skills, (because that's what basically bothered me the most) and you'll be fine.

Wow, 88/100. Good job! Thank you so much for requesting at our shop! I hope you take our advice to mind when you write another story!

Please remember to credit the reviewer (ToneHarmonic) and the shop!

Thank you again for requesting, and I hope you found this review helpful. ^^

WE OUTTIE~ (￣^￣)ゞ