It's been an hour and a half since he woke up. He was still there, lying on his bed. He had been staring at the ceiling for quite a while now-- without even bothering to blink. It must be his worst day. The day of his death. Or should he say, the death day of his heart.
 He knew that this day would come but he wasn't ready to face the truth. He wished that he just stayed asleep and never wake-up forever. But he couldn't avoid the reality.
 It was the day of his bestfriend's wedding. He should be happy for his friend, shouldn't he? But he was not. And he will never be. Why?
 The simple reason, it was his 'bestfriend'--his first and only. Yes, he was deeply, madly inlove with his bestfriend. But it was too late. Too late to make her his own. She now belongs to somebody else. And it hurts him more.

 He was still in his deep thoughts when he heard a ring. It was his phone but he has no plan to answer that disturbing call. He doesn't want to talk to anybody except for...
  The ring continued. The caller was really persistent so he doesn't have a choice but to answer it. He lazily reached out for his phone on the side table.
 "Yobuseyo?" His voice seemed lifeless. He doesn't know if the caller heard him or not.
"Dongwonnie," said the familiar voice. "Where are you?"
 He wasn't able to utter a single word. He just heard the voice of the person behind his miserable state.
 No. He was not blaming her. It was not her fault he was at that state right now. It was his damn heart that must be blamed.
 "Wonnie? Are you still there?," she asked.
 He cleared his throat before he talk. "Yeah," he mumbled. "I'm still in my pad."
 "Mwo?! It's already nine o'clock! You're going to be late on my wedding," she said worriedly.
 Of course, he was invited to the wedding but he doesn't have a plan to attend that big hurtful event. For him, it is suicide.
 "Maeli-ah," he called her name. "Mianhe. I think I cannot go--"
 "Yah! What kind of friend are you if you couldn't come to your bestfriend's wedding? My wedding wouldn't be complete without my dear bestfriend. You don't want me to cry on my big day, do you?"
 She was talking as if he was her groom.
 Oh, how he wished.
"Of course, I don't want you to cry." God knows how he doesn't want her to feel sad. "But I have some important things to do now--"
 "More important than me?," she cried.
 He paused for a while. For him, there is nothing more important than her in his life. She is the reason of his existence in this world. But because she will soon get married, he doesn't know what would happen to him.
 "No," he finally answered.
 "Dongwonnie-ah, you wouldn't want to miss the happiest day of my life. But if without you, it wouldn't be the happiest. You know this is my dream, right? So, please, please be there, oppa..." She pleaded.
 And that is his weakness. He couldn't say 'no' when she pleads. He could be as stubborn as he liked but not with Maeli, his beloved bestfriend.
 "Alright, I'll try," he finally said. But he was not yet sure if he could really come.
 "No. You promise me," she argued.
 There was a silence for a moment before he answered.
 "P-promise," he mumbled. He thought he was the most stupid living thing on earth when he promised her. He was now forced to come to the wedding. Is he ready to die? Hell, no.
 He must prepare himself, for his end is near.
 But he still has a choice. He could just throw away his promise to her and not go to the wedding.
 But he knew Maeli wouldn't be happy with that. He doesn't want her special day to be ruined because of him. He wanted her to be happy even if it's killing him.
 He started to move out from his bed after she hung-up. His bedroom looked miserable just like him. It was a total mess. He hadn't clean up for a week now.
 He made his way to the bathroom ignoring the mess around him. He could still take his time. He still has more than an hour before his bestfriends wedding.
 The wedding.
 His heart is pounding whenever he thinks of that. He will never get used to it. But he knows he must go on with his life.
 He sighed. How can you move on with your life when your life itself is already gone?


***

Should I smile because we're friends? Or should I cry because that's all we could ever be?


***

 He was on his way to the wedding venue. He was already thirty minutes late but he doesn't mind. He was not the groom after all. But was it the right thing to do? He still has a doubt on his decision.
 He was driving his car but his mind was not focused on the road. He was busy reminiscing the memories he shared with his bestfriend. He really love her that much-- more than she'll ever know.
 The flashback of their first meeting crossed his floating mind.
 He was ten years old then.
 Maeli and her family just move out from Gwangju to Seoul, where his family lives. They became neighborhood and Maeli's mother and his mom became friends.
 At first, he didn't treated Maeli as a friend. For him, she was just the daughter of his mother's friend until his mom asked him a favor.
 "Maeli is not yet familiar with our place. I think you should go with her in coming to school since you have the same school. You might as well accompany her in going home."
 He doesn't like the idea. But he had no choice but to follow his mom. Since then, he had always been with Maeli whenever he comes to school and going back home.
 But there was a time that he got tired of it.
 It was Friday, the last day of the school week. He decided to go home alone without bothering to look for Maeli so they could go home together. He thought, maybe she could go home by herself.
 He already got home when he learned that Maeli had not yet arrived to their house. But she must be home at this time.
 He was a little bit worried. He looked at their window to see her arrival but she didn't come. Minutes passed and the rain started to fall.
 His conscience was bothering him. He immediately took an umbrella and went out of their house to look for her. The rain went heavier and he was more worried now. Damn his conscience.
 He doesn't know why he was so nervous thinking of what would happen to Maeli.
 He hated her, right? Yes, he hated her very much. He hated the way she smiles at him. He hated the sweetness of her voice whenever she talks to him. He hated her soulful eyes whenever she looks at him. He hated her cute face whenever he looks at her... SECRETLY.
 It was so ironic. He doesn't want to admit to himself that he has a crush on her. A ten-year-old boy has a crush on the daughter of his mother's bestfriend. Ridiculous.
 The feeling was new to him. Of course, he was ten years old then.
 He went back to their school to see if she was still there but it was already closed. He started to get panic. He continued to search for her over the place but she wasn't around.
 He started to feel anxious. If only he knew that this would happen, he will never let her go home by herself.
 He never stopped from walking- or rather running until he reached the main road. It was already far from their place.
 He was starting to lose hope. He was about to go back when he noticed someone sitting on the waiting shed near him. It was Maeli.
 He felt relieved but still worried. He started to approach her and that was when he realized she was silently crying. Her hair, her face, her uniform and even her shoes were all wet because of the rain.
 He couldn't stand seeing her like that. He wanted to hug her tight and tell her that everything is okay now. But he couldn't do that. He was not used of showing affection to other people except from his mom.
 "Maeli-ah," he called. His conscience was eating him.
 The little girl slowly lifted her head to see him. He felt his heart skipped a beat when their eyes met. Aigoo. How could a ten-year-old boy feel that way?
 He saw the relief in her eyes as she run towards him. She hugged him tight like he was her only hope.
 "Dongwoonnie..." She called his name. It was the first time she called him with that nick name and his ears seemed liked it.
"Mianhe..." That was all that he wanted to say. He was really sorry of what he did to her. He must be punished because of being such a bad boy.
 Maeli didn't say anything. She just hug him and cried harder.
 "Hush now, Maeli-ah." He tapped her back to comfort her. "I promire I will never leave you again."
 Maeli stopped from crying when he said those words. She slowly let go of him.
 He reached for a coin inside his pocket and gave it to her. She was confused why he gave her a coin.
 "Keep it," he said. "When there comes a time that you'd lost again, use that coin to buy a candy."
 Maeli was listening to every words that he says.
 "Candy?," she asked. She was holding the coin with her little hand.
 "Yes, a candy. So that you have something to eat while you wait for me."
 He doesn't know if he had made sense. He got the idea from his mother. She often remind him to always keep a coin inside his pocket so whenever he feels hungry, and his mother was not around, he can buy a candy to eat.
 "When you're alone and you're not familiar with the place, just stay where you are and I promise to look for you."
 He couldn't believe he was able to promise such thing at his age. From then on, they were always been together. They became best of friends. And as the time pass, his crush on her slowly fade away. And love started to fill in.

 It was on their graduation ball that he decided to tell his true feelings to her. He knew that their six-year-old friendship was at stake. But he was ready to take the risk.
 It was the most nerve wrecking night he'd ever had. He was so nervous that sweat started to come out from his freakin' pores.
 He was already at the grad-ball venue but there was no trace of Maeli yet.

 "She's late again," he thought. He must patiently wait for her.
 Then at last, he saw Maeli entered the grad-ball. Was he dreaming? No. He was sure as hell that he was not. Everything went slow motion. She gracefully walked towards him. She was the prettiest girl he had ever met. She grew up beautifully. But it was not her beauty that he loved the most. It was her pure heart that had captured him.
 He was so mesmerized by her that he didn't notice that she was with somebody.

 The smile on his face when he saw her slowly fade away.
 His eyes was now focused not only on her but also to the guy that was holding her hand. Who is he to touch her like that? He only knew him by name. He is Gi Kwang, the heartthrob-boy-next-door of the campus. He was with Maeli. But why?
He felt a slight pain inside his chest. It was the first time he felt jealous.
 "Dongwonnie oppa," she said as she approach him.
 "You're late again..." That was all that he could say. He doesn't know what to tell her. Gi Kwang's presence distorted his mind. He totally forgot his plans.
 "Mianhe." She smiled sweetly. "Oh, by the way. This Gi Kwang oppa," she introduced him. They were still holding each others hands.
 His eyes would get sore if he continued to look at them. She even called him oppa. No. He wanted to be her only oppa. But he cannot control her. They were just friends and that's all.
 He was totally broke. He wasn't able to tell her his true feelings because he just learned that Gi Kwang is already her namja chingu.
 He was shocked. He doesn't even know that he was courting her. Babo. He was really stupid not to know that.
 And it was hard for him to accept that Maeli belongs to another man. But despite of that, he was still hoping that someday, he will be able to tell her what's on his heart.
 But as the time passed, his little hope slowly crashing. He was there. He witnessed all the ups and down of Maeli and Gi Kwang's relationship for four years. But they still end up together. And he must say, Gi Kwang had always been a good boyfriend to his bestfriend. And he salutes him for that. He was one lucky guy.
 
When you love, all you want to do is to make your loved one happy.           Unfortunately, he was not the one that makes Maeli happy.
He had always been her bestfriend, her brother, and sometimes, her father. But that was all that he could be.
 

He felt the tears slowly falling down from his eyes. He didn't notice that he was already crying and that made him back to the reality. He must stop himself from thinking of the past. He suddenly felt the emptiness in his heart. He wiped the tears on his face and continued driving.
 Then he finally reached his destination. He stopped his car in front of the church where his bestfriend's wedding will be held.
 He took a deep breath before he move out from the car. He was having a hard time in walking. He was making heavy steps towards the church' lobby. He felt his feet became numb as he reached the main entrance of the church. There, he saw his bestfriend and Gi Kwang exchanging their wedding vows.
 Even his ears became numb as he hear the words that they say. Their words seemed like a knife that slowly stubbing his delicate heart. He couldn't stand seeing the hurtful event in front of him.
He wanted to run so that he would not witness it all. But he cannot move his feet. He was frozen on that corner of the church.
 He was totally broke. He felt his world literally crashed when the wedding ceremony ended.
 He could've stopped the wedding and tell all the people his true feelings towards his bestfriend. But he actually didn't do that.
 He knows that it wouldn't do any good to his bestfriend. Maeli and Gi Kwang love each other much. He could see that through their eyes.
And who is he to hinder their happiness?
 The couple started to walk down the aisle to have their last march after the ceremony. All the visitors congratulated them and send them their best wishes.
 Maeli and Gi Kwang was so near to him. But only the latter noticed him because his bestfriend was busy talking to the other visitors.
 "Congratulations..." He forced a smile as he approached him.
 "Thank you." Gi Kwang extended his hand on him.
 "Hyung... Please take care of my bestfriend." His voice nearly broke when he said those words.
 Gi Kwang gave him a genuine smale and said, "I will."
 "Oppa!"
 He heard again the sweetest voice of his bestfriend. His eyes immediately search for her. She was so lovely with her wedding gown. He felt the pain in his heart thinking that she was already married.
 His bestfriend... His love... His life...
 He breathed hard. He must regain himself before he breaks down.
 "You came...," she said as she come near to him.
 "C-congratulations..." He was having a hard time in uttering those words. His heart never stops from breaking and it's killing him already.
  Maeli didn't answer. She just hugged him tight just like the way she did when they were at the waiting shed almost a decade ago.
 He hugged her back. And that's when he realized that she was silently crying.
 "You came... Thank you, oppa," she said in between her sobs.
 "Yah. I'm here. So why are you still crying?"
 It was him who must cry now. He just lost his only love.
 "I'm just so happy."
And that's what important to him-- to see his bestfriend happy. Even if it would cost his own happiness.
 "Maeli-ah, you promise me..." He paused for a while before he said his last words. "...promise me that you will stay happy and be a good wife to Gi Kwang hyung."
Maeli nodded and raised her right hand. "I promise."
He smiled at her. But deep inside, he was bleeding.

***

"When this door closes... When your figure disappears... I'll spend the day in tears because of the memories I shared with you... I hope that you'll be happier... When I let go of this hand now, there won't be a reason for me to smile... But when I see you smile in another person's embrace... I would smile..."

***

author's note:

It's my first oneshot.. hope you liked it.. and your comments will be highly appreciated...

By the way, thanks to @Mieyla for posting this fic for me..^_^

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