"Oppa loves you very much."

~기 범~

 

We were like siblings. He was the older one and rightfully so because he is two years older than me. There were many times when I wished that he wasn’t the older one simply because he treats me like I’m three years old. He never overlooks the tiny details, for example, he texts me at 10 in the evening and practically shouts at me to go to bed. Sometimes, he floods my Twitter wall with a single message: “GO TO BED!!” And it would always be proceeded by an: “Oppa loves you very much.”

 I’ll admit that he’s charming. Plenty of my classmates have asked me for his number which I so graciously give them; afterwards I’d receive a message from him: “Do you really hate me that much?” I’d reply to him with a simple emoticon. Sometimes he uses his ‘charms’ to know where I am, especially when I’m not waiting for him at school to walk me home.

Even if I complain a lot and react violently numerous times, I’m actually thankful to have him around. I’m an only child and I’ve never had anyone treat me the way he does. He’s really fitting for an Oppa and I’m grateful.

Sometime later, one of my classmates had a very unhealthy obsession with Oppa. She ranted for three full hours on how handsome and charming Oppa is.

I had to disagree, Of course, I couldn’t blame her for seeing Oppa the way she does, but when one knows Oppa the way I do, you’ll definitely think twice.

Once I saw him get out of bed in shambles and utter disorder. A blanket was draped over his shoulders, his hair was unkempt, uncombed and untamed, his mouth’s corners indicated that he hasn’t even gurgled out his morning breath yet; his eyes were red, puffy and swollen and so was his nose. I had to cut him some slack since he was sick and no one’s home to take care of him.

I tried very hard not to keep my laughter. Perhaps it was his pout or his disarrayed appearance that kept me from laughing, but either way, I had to make sure that he ate something decent.

He complained about how his current career ate most of his time; eventually it became a very long list of absurd things to blame. In the end he blamed a red frog for contracting fever. I found it quite amusing for him to blame something so far-fetched.

“Oppa, you’re being ridiculous…” I told him.

He huffed and retorted, “I’m serious! Last night a red frog jumped on me and dropped eggs on my head!”

I silenced him with a spoon shoved into his mouth. He immediately ceased talking and started chewing while glaring at me.

After he finished eating, he gave me an expectant look. I stood up and said, “Kibum-oppa, I’m going to clean the house okay?”

Like a dog, he nodded.

“Just rest and go to sleep okay?”

Again I got a nod, but this time he spoke, “Don’t leave Oppa yet okay?”

I smiled at him, “Of course, Oppa.”

He fell back on his bed and closed his eyes while sneezing slightly. I silently walked out of his room and started cleaning the house.

Kibum-oppa’s house was small; more of an apartment, but it was oftentimes neglected. His parents were in the States or so he told me. He went to the States before we met; that caused his English skills.

I was extra careful when I cleaned his guitar. Gently I wiped the frets and dusted the body. His computer was the one thing I didn’t dare touch though because he would surely wake up and scold me.

I could hear Oppa’s sneezes from where I was sweeping. I glanced at the clock and quickly threw the dust into the dustbin.

I took the medicine from the fridge and a glass of lukewarm water. I rapped on the door three times before opening it to see Oppa fumbling with the drawer on his bedside table. When he saw me, he fell down to the bed and put on a pained expression.

I merely shook my head at his antics. “Kibum-oppa,” I softly called. I stopped dead when I heard a beeping sound come from the drawer on the bedside table.

He groaned uncharacteristically. Quickly, I opened the drawer to reveal his PSP beeping in bold red letters the words: “GAME OVER!”

Oppa snatched the PSP and groaned, “Oh man! I lost!”

I just shook my head in exasperation and handed him the glass of water. “Medicine time,” I said as I held up the bottle of capsules.

“Do I have to?” he complained as he turned away from me and towards the wall.

I pulled his blanket off him and saw the wrappers of assorted snacks strewn all over his bed. I sighed heavily as I put the bottle down. “Oppa, you’re acting like a kid.”

He turned to me with a small pout. “I don’t want to drink the bitter medicine…” he whined.

“Oppa, it’s a capsule; it won’t taste bitter…” I said patiently.

“If I drink the medicine will you let me play?”

“Play what, Oppa?”

“Star Craft…”

I sighed. Who was the older one again? I nodded and he immediately gulped down one capsule and the water in the glass. He hopped out of the bed and went out.

I started cleaning his bed and changed the beddings. I thought that Kibum-oppa lived with his sister since he told me that once, but currently his house was empty.

“Here,” I said as I placed a plate of oranges on his computer table.

His eyes didn’t leave the screen as he asked, “What are those for?”

“Oranges…” I drawled as I slumped onto the couch. The bath I took a while ago made me feel tired. “They’re good for people who have colds.”

I tried to stifle a yawn, but unfortunately it came out loudly. My eyes closed involuntarily due to exhaustion from working nearly all day long. I could still hear the sounds coming from the speakers as Oppa played the game.

Soon it all turned black.

 

It felt warm. Like there was something on me that kept me feeling that warmth. My consciousness started to surface. Oppa will probably be angry because I slept on his couch; I knew that he didn’t like that.

I shifted slightly and paused. I don’t remember putting a pillow under my head. Truth be told, it didn’t really feel like a pillow, because it was firmer. As a matter of fact, I don’t remember lying on the couch at all.

Something seemed draped on my arm.

“You’re awake?”           

I turned and saw Oppa.

And that was when I realized that my head was on Oppa’s lap and his hand was draped on my arm. Like always, Oppa gave me a smile as he tore his eyes away from the television.

I got up so abruptly that our foreheads bumped harshly and violently.

“Oww…” we muttered in unison.

 

“Are you feeling better, Kibum-oppa?” I asked as I sat up and laughed a bit.

“I was until you bumped your head with mine…” he nodded. “Thanks anyway…” he added gratefully.

I got up and yawned slightly. The clock told me that it was dinner time already. “Oppa are you hungry?”

Before he could even respond, I heard his stomach growl. With a small chuckle, I headed to the kitchen.

Oppa is also a gentleman. Maybe that’s why people misinterpret him. But I know that he’s just being nice especially to younger girls.

That was why he walked me home after dinner.

Oppa didn’t talk much, so I always listened to his stories especially when it’s about his film experiences and his tight schedule. If I won’t listen to him, he might cry. He couldn’t believe me when I told him that he actually blamed red frogs for his fever.

“You even said that the frogs dropped eggs on your head…” I added with a chuckle.

“Don’t you dare tell this to anyone!” He exclaimed as he pointed an accusing finger.

“Why?”

After that remark, he started chasing me on the deserted street. I avoided him every time he tried to catch me.

I didn’t last long though; he caught me in a death grip and spun me around like what a hero does to his heroine.

“Oppa! Oppa! I’m dizzy!!” I complained.

He set me down and pinched my cheeks. I protested against his grip and we continued walking.

My house came to sight and we parted when I was in front of the gate. Of course, Kibum-oppa would never fail to scold me.

“Go to bed early okay? I don’t want to see you in Twitter tonight,” he told me in a brotherly tone and I merely nodded. He smiled and petted my head. “Good night…”

He smiled so brilliantly; I thought I was going to melt. No wonder he has what is called ‘Killer Smile’! He added the same words he would always say.

“Oppa loves you very much.”

 

For three years, he’s told me those. It seemed unfair at that I won’t reply to him.

So I finally resolved to reply to him.

 

“Dongsaeng loves her Oppa too…”

 

That innocent reply was repeated all throughout our conversations.

 When he dropped me to school, he would always say it with a smile.

 

"Oppa loves you very much…"

 

To his heartfelt words, I would always reply sincerely.

 

"Dongsaeng loves her Oppa too."

   

Once they said that Kibum-oppa is like a rock that loves smiling. I had to mentally disagree because they don't know him like I do.

True, Oppa is very adept in disguising his emotions, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't have any other than happiness.

Kibum-oppa is still human and he is still capable of crying.

The first time I saw Oppa cry was also the last.

That day, he didn't pick me up from school and he didn't tell me why either. I found it to be very strange because Oppa would send me a message if he couldn't pick me up from school. Of course, one can only guess how many times Oppa has sent me a message to go home because he can't come by to pick me up.

But this time was different.

I could feel my insides tingling and my diaphragm contracted painfully.

Something was wrong. Kibum-oppa has a problem.

It was purely by instinct and reflex that I made my way to Oppa's apartment.

For the record, I was glad I did.

His house looked like a hurricane just passed through. The furniture was in disarray and there were remnants of broken ceramics on the floor. Books and notepads were opened and haphazardly strewn on the floor.

I could see a trail of blood puddles on the floor and a dent on the wall that strangely looked like knuckles.

But Oppa was not in sight.

I heard shattering sounds coming from the kitchen; immediately, I rushed there.

 

"Oppa..." I breathed out partly due to relief and partly due to fright.

He looked up to me with bloodshot eyes. I could tell by the way the light bounced off his eyes that he wasn't wearing soft lens.

He was like a human embodiment of his disgruntled living room. His lips shook as he said my name.

I knelt beside him and took mental note of the mug he threw across the floor. Without another thought, I wrapped my arms around him.

The fact that Oppa was crying made me scared. I was scared of knowing and of the thing that made Kibum-oppa cry like this so I kept myself from even asking why he was crying. I didn't dare ask anything as he bawled his eyes out.

After Oppa managed to collect himself, we went to his room to fix his hand.

"Oppa you're so reckless..." I told him as I rolled the bandages over the wounded part of his knuckles.

He sniffed and asked in a broken tone, "Why are you here?"

I kept the bandages together with a pin. "You forgot to send me a text that you can't pick me up from school," I said with a sigh.

"I'm sorry."

"Oppa..."

He turned to me in askance. His entire appearance was a complete stranger to me. I managed a smile and said, "It'll be fine."

He lightheartedly pinched my cheek. "You should stop using my lines on me," a grin made its way to his lips.

"You sure know how to turn a house upside down," I told him with a light chuckle. I stood up and asked "Would you like anything to eat, Oppa?"

He shook his head and closed his hand around my wrist. "Stay..." he said in a shaky voice.

"Oppa..."

He said my name again and it nearly made me cringe.

Oppa's voice was nothing like his usual voice. He didn't sound anything like Kibum-oppa.

Oppa was cheerful and carefree; now he sounded crushed and broken.

"Please don't go..." he implored like a child to his mom.

I gave him a nod as a sign of assurance. I took my place beside Oppa. His head rested on my shoulder and started crying silently. Gently, I patted his back to soothe him.

 

"Oppa, don't cry... Dongsaeng loves you very much..."

I thought he wouldn't stop his sobs. Soon he stopped he managed to reply brokenly.

"Oppa loves his dongsaeng too..."

That was the last time I saw Oppa cry like that. I must admit that I'm thankful I only saw him act like that once because I don't think I could bear another experience like that.

The next day he picked me up from school.

"Oppa are you sure you're all right?"

He nodded and smiled as he ruffled my hair. "Stop worrying," he said in a slightly scolding tone.

I pouted and glanced pointedly at his bandaged hand. "How is your hand, Oppa?"

He shrugged and replied, "It's getting better."

I could still feel the gloominess in his voice. I took a deep breath and asked, "Do you want to get some ice cream?" I gave him a smile and added, "It always makes me feel better."

Kibum-oppa nodded enthusiastically. He offered his arm to me as a gentleman's gesture to which I complied generously.

We made our way to the ice cream parlor.

Everything went back to the way it was with just two tall glasses of ice cream. I have to admit that Oppa handled things in such an admirably quick way.

After all, he isn't my Kibum-oppa if he doesn't smile his signature killer smile.

 

Once I was asked if Oppa was fond of this or liked that. I asked them why they wanted to know and they replied that they wanted to give Oppa a gift. I simply told them that Oppa doesn't like it when his fans give him presents; I know well enough to categorize them under the fan section.

My classmate titled her head in indignation and walked off while muttering that I was a good-for-nothing dongsaeng.

Well, it certainly isn't my fault if Oppa doesn't like receiving gifts is it?

Personally, I found it hard to give Oppa his present. I had to explain a lot of things to him just so he would accept my gift for his birthday.

Embarrassingly, though I've known Oppa for three years, I was quite clueless back then that Kibum-oppa's birthday was nine days from mine.

When I found out, I innocently thought of giving him a gift. After all, I am his dongsaeng.

And then suddenly, like lightning, it struck me.

What should I give him that he would possibly like?

That day, as I faced the dilemma of thinking what to give Oppa for his birthday, he sent me a message that he won't be able to pick me up from school. I took the opportunity to look for something to give Oppa for his birthday.

I wasn't a regular person at the marketplace. I've been there a few times with some friends of mine, so I had a pretty good idea of where I'm supposed to look.

I spotted a small music shop by the end of the entire area; Oppa's guitar immediately popped in my mind. As I made my way towards there, I saw among the displayed items, a metal string set with a sky blue pick.

It was what I've been looking for.

I glanced at the price and mentally calculated how much change I would still need to save in order to buy it. I made my way inside and talked to the store clerk.

Believe me; it wasn't easy to talk to a very cranky store clerk who apparently never had a boyfriend before. After a lot of negotiation, coaxing and eventually, pleading, she removed the item from the display after I deposited what was left of my money for it.

I was quite satisfied with the way things turned out. Oppa was out for the rest of the week due to his schedules, but he promised that we would spend his birthday together.

Every day, I visited the store again to check on the items; I saved every cent I could with every chance I had to finally buy Oppa's gift.

August 19 came around the corner and I was finally able to buy the gift. The store's manager temporarily replaced the forever single clerk and she seemed amused by me because instead of giving me what I reserved, she gave me a new set but with the same pick.

I paid for the item and thanked the manager over and over again. It was such a good thing that Oppa was preoccupied with his schedule; otherwise I wouldn't be able to get anything at all.

When I got home, Mom gave me some leftover gift wrappers that we used before. I cut them into different sizes and put them together to form a mosaic of different hues of blue. It made me happy to carefully fold the edges to conceal the gift that I had for Oppa.

August 21 was a cloudy day with a gentle wind, just the way Oppa liked it. Slung on my shoulder was my duffel bag where my present and some of my things were. Mom asked me to buy strawberry shortcake for Oppa.

My phone vibrated in my pocket to indicate that someone was calling. I whipped it out and an automatic smile tugged at my lips when I saw Oppa calling. I pressed the receive button and put it against my ear.

"Kibum-oppa!! Happy birthday!!"

I heard his chuckle at the other end of the line. "Are you coming?" He asked with excitement that rivaled that of a child.

"I'm on my way, Oppa..." I told him.

 "Ah... Oppa can't wait dongsaeng!!"

"I'm almost there, Oppa..." I said with a chuckle.

"Take care, dongsaeng! Oppa loves you very much!!"

"Dongsaeng loves her Oppa too!!"

I lengthened my strides and walked on merrily. When Oppa's house came to view, I .nearly broke to a sprint.

I took a few deep breaths before I raised my hand to push the doorbell. I never had the chance to press the doorbell though, because the door opened to reveal Oppa. He smiled at me as I greeted him, "Happy birthday Oppa!!"

In return, he crushed me with an embrace. Oppa didn't really speak much and the words 'actions speak louder than words' suit him very well.

He opened the door for me only to be scolded when I handed him the box of cake that Mom asked me to buy for him.

"Ah! Why did you buy me a cake? You should have bought a dress!!"

I rolled my eyes at him and shoved the box into his hands but still holding onto the ribbon that was tied on the box. "Mom asked me to buy this for you. I didn't use my money..."

I could see the reluctance in his eyes, but he accepted it nonetheless.

I sighed and asked him incredulously, "Oppa why are you so uncomfortable with gifts?" I made my way inside the house and slumped onto the couch.

"You should spend it on yourself..." he sat next to me and exhaled "You have better things to spend it with."

I pinched his cheek. "I'm not a fan of yours Oppa," I reminded him promptly. "I'm your dongsaeng remember?"

"How can I be sure you're not a fan?" His cheeks contracted against my grip as he tried to retaliate.

I pinched his cheeks harder and said with narrowed eyes "You seriously think I'm a fan of yours Oppa?"

He took leaned forward and eventually overpowered me. This time, I was the one who had my cheeks pinched and in a seemingly vain attempt of retaliation, I pinched his cheeks again.

"Oppa, stop being so stubborn! I am not a fan!!"

"I know..." Oppa said rather gently but still with difficulty as I was still pinching his cheeks. "But still I'd rather if you didn't waste your money on me..."

I felt slightly hurt. Could he call all of my efforts a waste? I mustered a pout as we released each other's cheeks. I rubbed it softly and glared at him albeit it was without venom in it whatsoever. "Do you know how offending that is?" I didn’t try to mask my hurt because seriously, Oppa could really hurt with his words.

His eyes turned apologetic. "All right, all right..." he patted my head and stood up.”I'll get the snacks so we can start..."

I followed Oppa with my eyes. I at least thought that his parents would come visit him for his birthday, but when he told me that he was spending it alone, I didn't hesitate to join him. He said that we were going to have a movie marathon.

It was surprising to see Oppa momentarily abandon his Star Craft obsession. However, I was worried about my gift. I was glad that I talked him into accepting the cake, but how would I persuade him to accept my gift too? I clutched my duffel bag.

I decided to give it to him later preferably when he isn't looking anymore.

I heard Oppa's footsteps approaching. He resumed his spot beside me along with a bowl filled with assorted chips to the brim.

"You're awfully prepared aren't you, Oppa?" I smiled at him and poked his ribs.

"It's my first birthday with my dongsaeng..." he chuckled as he ruffled my hair.

He turned the TV on and we started the marathon. At first he insisted on watching a horror movie; I had to object. But I really should have known better, Oppa couldn't be easily swayed on things like that.

I would cover my ears and squeeze my eyes shut when the goose bumps would come and the scary scene comes close in an attempt to block them off. Of course Oppa would always prove my efforts useless. He would murmur ghostly sounds into my ear; when I relinquished my hands from my ears to swat him away, he would hold both of my wrists to keep me from fighting.

We kept on doing that until the movie ended.

"Ah Oppa!!" I punched his arm "I won't be able to sleep tonight!!"

He chuckled and offered a compromise, "How about a cartoon then?"

"I hate you!!"

Of course I didn't mean it and I'm sure Oppa knew that too. That was why he caged my cheeks and rubbed our noses together.

And right there and then, I knew.

Oppa favored me with a grin as we started watching another movie, thankfully this time it was a cartoon.

"Oppa, say 'aah'..."

He turned to me and I immediately stuffed the chip into his mouth; in retaliation to taking the remote.

I gave him a smug grin as he choked and pinched my cheeks. Suddenly he pulled me by the hand and led me to the computer.

"I'll teach you how to play Star Craft," Oppa said with excitement.

I merely gaped at him. Surely he wasn't serious right? But when I landed on the soft cushion of the inclining chair, I thought otherwise.

Before I could even react, the computer was already and the game was starting to boot.

"Oppa!! I don't know how to play this!!" I complained as he clamped my shoulder to keep me in place.

"That's why I'm going to teach you silly!!" He patted my head.

The next hour was spent in teaching the basics of the game.

Until Oppa decided to give it a shot.

"Let's try it..." he suggested and that was the most absurd thing I've ever heard.

"Oppa are you insane?!? How on earth am I going to play the game when you're the opponent?!?"

"I'll go easy on you..." Oppa grinned at me.

"That's not possible, Oppa..."

"Try me..."

If there was one thing I hated about Oppa, it was his unbelievable look of daring on his face; the one thing I dreaded was that look that he was giving me then.

It was like a silent battle, and Oppa's eyes would always do the talking.

He took out his laptop and we started. At first Oppa was being a gentleman and would often point out things for me when I didn't understand. Frankly I enjoyed the game even though I really didn't stand a chance against someone like Oppa. He really got pumped up midway, but I let him win anyway.

It is his birthday after all.

"You weren't pretty bad yourself..." Oppa said "You're a natural actually..."

I had to smile and make a small curtsy, "You flatter me, Oppa..."

My smile disappeared when I realized that it was late.

Oppa must have realized it too because his face fell when he glanced at the clock.

"Ah... It's late and my princess needs to go..." he said in English with a detectable accent that nearly made me laugh. His frown however, banished the impending chuckle that made its way to my throat.

I could understand English and speak it pretty well thanks to Oppa. "Kibum-oppa, don't... make... that face!" I said in English with difficulty, since I heard it from a few movies.

Oppa smiled at the effort and closed his laptop shut and stood up. "I'm going to get the cake okay?" He paused by the pathway to the kitchen.

I merely nodded with a wave of my hand.

When I was sure that he was in the kitchen, I asked aloud "Oppa! Can I borrow your nail cutter?"

"Sure you know where to get it right?"

"Yes."

Of course I knew where he kept it. It was always in his room and that's where I plan to leave his present. I opened my duffel bag and took out the neatly wrapped box. Of course I had to walk normally to prevent Oppa from suspecting anything.

The nail cutter was on his bed side table; before I took it, I placed my present inside the drawer where he always keeps his PSP. I closed the drawer and took the nail cutter before Oppa could see.

I made my way to the living area and pretended to cut my nails. Oppa soon came out with the cake in his hands. A single candle was on the cake and the flame on it flickered.

I stood up and closed the lights and sat across one another. Softly we sang and clapped our hands.

Through the dim lighting if the candle, I could see Oppa's face. His eyes and his subtle smile were accentuated by the harsh orange light of the flickering candle. Normally that angle could be perceived as scary, but the twinge at the back of my mind and the way my breath got stuck somewhere between my lungs and my throat told me a different thing entirely.

 

Oppa, do you know that your dongsaeng loves you?

Of course you don't...

 

"Oppa, make a wish," I encouraged him when the song ended.

He closed his eyes and the perpetual curve of his lips made me smile as well.

After a few moments, he opened his eyes and blew out the candle.

The ceremonious slicing of the cake was followed by yet another movie. Midway, Oppa suddenly called me by name.

"Thank you..." I blinked at him and it made Oppa chuckle. "Thank you for spending today with me..." he said once again in English.

He ruffled my hair and repeated those five words again.

 

"Oppa loves you very much..."

 

Like before I gave him my reply.

 

"Dongsaeng loves her Oppa too..."

After finishing the movie, I stood up and gathered my bag.

"I'll just get a jacket."

I gave him a look after that statement. "Oppa, we're in the middle of summer..."

"You go to school..." Oppa retorted as some sort of insult.

"It's a remedial class!!" I reasoned with him, "I flunked physics!!"

"Which means there’s no reason for me to not wear a jacket?"

Clearly I lost that argument so I went outside and waited for Oppa's re-emergence.

Like always, Oppa and I walked home.

"Your birthday is in nine days right?" I nodded at the question.

"Oppa, will you celebrate it with me?" I tried not to sound expectant.

However, Oppa was not one to disappoint me, "Definitely..."

I beamed at him.

All the while, though I barely noticed it, Oppa was fumbling with something with something in the pocket of his hoodie.

"Your remedial classes ended yesterday right?"

I nodded ruefully. "I missed almost half of my summer because of that," I complained.

Oppa had to laugh and it sounded like chimes.

 

Kibum-oppa, do you know that your dongsaeng loves you?

We stopped in front of the gate of my house; Oppa took out what he was fumbling with inside the pocket of his hoodie.

My world fell down when I saw that he was holding a box wrapped with a myriad of hues of blue cleaved together to form a mosaic.

It was my gift for Oppa.

"I found this inside the drawer of my nightstand," he said plainly. "'To Oppa: Please use this when you need it... From: Dongsaeng XD'"

I fixed my eyes on the ground and fidgeted.

He called me again by name; his voice was filled with something that could be translated as remorse or something that was like a patient parent scolding his daughter.

I surprised myself and probably Oppa too when I spoke, "Oppa, I not a fan so I can give you a gift if I want to..."

I heard him release a sigh which I assumed was a sigh of defeat so I continued.

"I'm your dongsaeng remember? I may not be Kim Saehee-sshi, but I'm still your dongsaeng and I want to show how thankful I am for you Oppa..."

I raised my eyes when I heard Oppa laugh.

"I'm not going to win this argument, am I?" He ruffled my hair and gave the wrapped box a once over. "I like the wrapping. Just as much as I like my dongsaeng."

His statement made my heart do somersaults.

He placed the box inside his pocket once again. He flashed me a smile and said, "Thanks... I had fun today..."

I nodded at him and said, "I did too Oppa..."

His next action took me by surprise. With one hand, he caged my nape and pushed me towards him; in the next moment, his lips were already on my forehead.

"Oppa loves you very much..."

I had to fight a wince as he said those words because somehow I found it to be painful.

"Dongsaeng loves her Oppa too..."

 

Once a classmate asked me if I've ever been in love; I had to chuckle at the question. I nodded but I chose not to disclose.

After all, the first time I fell in love was the most painful one.

"What's the matter?”

Oppa's voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I turned to him and tilted my head.

"You've been ignoring your parfait..."

Kibum-oppa invited me to the same ice cream parlor we went after his outburst. The weather was unbearably harsh so he thought cooling off would be a good idea. I took my spoon and started digging into my slightly melted parfait.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

I gave him a nod, but I can see he isn't buying it.

"You can tell me anything you know?"

And then he smiled at me. Normally that smile would be enough to lift my spirits, but now it was like a clamp that squeezed my heart mercilessly.

"You won't laugh will you?"

Oppa nodded.

I took a deep breath and started "Oppa," he raised his eyebrow curiously. "I'm in love!!"

To my credit, I spoke the truth; I just didn't tell him who I'm in love with.

I saw his face light up and his expression turned incredulous. "Really?"

"Yes!" A proud nod made its way to my face partly because I was such a great pretender and partly because I was able to make a confession even though Oppa obviously doesn't know that it's him.

"Who's the guy?"

I brought a finger to my lips. "It's a secret! Even if I told you, you wouldn't know who it is anyway..."

You Oppa... I'm in love with you...

Kibum-oppa merely shook his head. He already understood that I intend to keep it to myself and for that, I can really heave out a sigh of relief.

I didn't want to hurt myself more by telling him the truth and getting a sorry answer for myself.

We continued eating while talking about something entirely different topic from the previous one. Honestly speaking, it made me feel a whole lot better because mainly, it steered my mind away from the grim fact that I am hurt.

I can tell as early as now that Oppa will never see me in the same light.

And thinking about how Oppa will never recognize is enough hurt for me.

I'm younger than him and in his eyes I'm just a girl and am nothing more to him than his dongsaeng.

 

"So what does he look like?" Oppa asked me once.

I really dreaded it when he asked about that. "He has a really nice smile..." I answered, "Whenever he smiles, his eyes just light up."

"Typical..." Oppa snorted playfully.

I punched his arm and whined "Oppa, you're so mean!!" And then I asked something stupid, "What about you?"

His quizzical look directed at me shattered my prayers that he didn't hear my retort.

"What kind of girl do you like?"

I felt like a villain when I asked. And frankly, I could see myself as a masochistic comedian; an over-dramatic, lovesick little girl.

I would often laugh at women who come across the same situation as I do in dramas because they sounded so ridiculous. But now I understand what the script-writers and producers had in mind for situations like these.

Oppa thought for a while and answered, "I prefer older women."

My heart sank. I knew that Oppa did like older girls, but it was different when he practically told me that he could never see me more than his dongsaeng.

"Why?"

"Because younger girls aren't women... They're my dongsaengs." He patted my head.

I kept the tears from coming out. My actions are ridiculous; I was aware of that at the moment, but I really couldn't help it.

A smile made its way to my face. "Oppa, you're so weird."

Those words were my pathetic excuse for a cover-up. Thankfully Kibum-oppa didn't see it as a cover-up.

 

Oppa, do you know that your dongsaeng loves you?

Do you know that though she's giving up, she'll still be your dongsaeng who's in love with you?

 

"I'll be the first to greet you on your birthday..."Oppa said with a smile.

I nodded.

I should really be grateful that I can confess to Oppa without facing rejection, but at the same time, I don't get a reply either.

At 12, August 30, I felt my phone vibrate form under my pillow. I had to smile.

Oppa, like he promised, was the first to greet me on my birthday.

 

Dongsaeng,

 

Happy birthday to my favorite dongsaeng!!

Don't change for Oppa okay? =D

Oppa loves you very much!!

 

Love,

Kibum-oppa

 

P.S: How are things with the boy you like? =D

 

 

I sent him a reply.

 

 

Thank you Oppa!!

I just woke up...=D

Oh... I've decided to give up on him because I know he won't like me...

 

 

I felt ridiculous. Even though I was saying the truth, it still felt ridiculous.

 

 

That's too bad...

Don't worry; I'm sure you'll find someone better =D

Just remember:

OPPA LOVES YOU VERY MUCH!! <3

 

I choked back a sob.

Even if it sounds like an innocent reply from a dongsaeng to her Oppa, it's fine as long as you accept it.

 

DONGSAENG LOVES HER OPPA TOO!! <3