Should I Confess - Soyu
picture cr. taengsicas via tumblr

It was autumn when I first met you. My friend, and also yours, decided that we should all gather for a random gathering. I was never the type to go these get-togethers; I preferred to stay away from a lot of people and not mingle with strangers; I found it unnecessary to broaden my social network. But my friend was able to persuade me for the first time. And then I met you.

-----

“Jessica-yah! I promise you won’t regret coming, okay?” Tiffany assured, linking her arm with mine. I gave her a small shrug and decided to embrace this change. Well, embrace it as much as I can, at least.

“Alright, alright,” I playfully teased, “as long as you keep the end of your promise.”

“What promise?” Tiffany asked, giving me an innocent smile. My jaw dropped at her response. I pointed an accusing finger at my friend, stuttering and trying to find a way to form my incoherent words together. Finally, I was able to produce a small sentence: “You promised to buy me new books!”

Tiffany was not listening anymore, though. Giving up, I pouted and allowed her to drag me into her car to drive to our destination.

-----

It was my turn to sing. Let me tell you a bit of my secret: I have stage fright. It might not be the worst case, but regardless, I just did not sing in front of anyone. And that included my own family.

“Jessica, don’t be so nervous!” few people encouraged. I gave them a sheepish smile, hoping to get across my discomfort. Couldn’t they leave me alone?

Suddenly, a cheerful and friendly voice spoke up from the crowd: Kim Taeyeon, one of the most popular girls from school. She, however, was different than other popular kids; she was kind, considerate, funny, and actually easy to get along with. I was surprised to see someone so admired to be here, in the same room as me.

“Come on guys,” she spoke up, gaining attention from everyone. When the deemed queen of our school spoke, everyone listened. She gave me a reassuring smile and continued, “If she doesn’t want to sing, we can’t force her. That’s just not right.”

Everyone backed off from me then. It’s amazing, really, the power of social status.

Soon enough, every single person forgot about me (I mean, not in a bad way). An hour must have passed since then. I was getting pretty bored myself and was feeling suffocated in this tiny karaoke room filled with at least ten people. So, I left the room to take a breather. I didn’t notice someone following suit.

Once outside, I took a deep breath and stretched my stiff arms. Sitting for an hour does that to your body, I guess.

A soft chuckle behind me caused me to jump, having absolutely no awareness of another presence. I turned around quickly to see none other than Taeyeon.

“A bit stuffy in there, isn’t it?” she said, another smile – that smile – tugging on her lips. I nodded my head slowly. My head was pounding, completely dumbfounded. I wasn’t quite sure what to do so I did what I did best: act cold.

“Well, I just don’t like people. Is that a problem?” I replied coldly, turning my back on her. At the same time, I mentally scolded myself for acting so rude. I swear I don’t do this on purpose!

I continued to scold myself, cursing myself for creating such an awkward atmosphere. However, a soft giggle broke the tense air.

“Wow, you’re exactly like how everyone described you.”

This time, I cocked my head to the side after turning back to face her. “I’m described as something?” Oops. My façade momentarily broke. Her smile was absolutely stunning.

“Oh, you didn’t know?” She followed my action and tilted her head to the side. “Ice Queen. You are really beautiful, but you just seem to shrug people off.”

‘You are really beautiful.’

‘You are really beautiful.’

‘You are really beautiful.’

I blinked several times, until it finally set in. Someone like Taeyeon was calling me beautiful. Me. An antisocial girl who does not befriend people easily.

Loss for words, I felt my cheeks heat up, contrary to this cool autumn breeze that didn’t seem to help me at all. “I-I see,” I stuttered. Why was someone shorter than me intimating so much? Without another word, I walked back inside, away from Taeyeon.

-----

After that, Taeyeon started to talk to me more often, at and out of school. Somehow, she had gotten my number - I’m suspecting Tiffany – and texted me. Ever since, I started to get out more and hang out with Taeyeon, Tiffany, and their friends. At school, we were like two peas in a pod; we walked class to class, (well, the ones we had together, which, I had not realized, was a lot), ate lunch together with others, and even went to each other’s house almost daily. Unlike Tiffany, Taeyeon showed me the most attention despite me being “cold” to her and seemed to care about me the most.

As time passed, I grew aware of my feelings – feelings for Taeyeon. It was subtle at first, making me mistake this feeling as simple friendship. But slowly, I realized that it was not the same feeling I had for Tiffany, my childhood and only friend before Taeyeon. I had gotten this feeling before, though.

His name was Donghae. My first and last (or at least, I assume) boyfriend. After moving away, I found out that he had started seeing another girl at his new school. That’s when I broke up with him.

But, I told myself, this was different: a) Donghae is a boy so it is sociably acceptable and b) he returned my feelings. Taeyeon, on the other hand, was a girl and I was pretty sure that she didn’t have the same kind of thoughts about me like how I think about her.

This feeling was useless and I didn’t want it.

-----

“Jessica!”

I turned my head toward the source of the call and saw Taeyeon. Waving, I waited for her to catch up to me before walking again.

“Jessica, I have to ask you something really quick,” she informed me. I nodded and waited for her to talk. “There’s this… person –“ she paused for a quick second and eyed me teasingly and suspiciously at the same time. I raised an eyebrow and stayed silent, waiting for her to continue. She got the sign and continued, “Well, there’s this person I’m kind of getting interested in. But the thing is, it’s not – how do I say this formally – sociably accepted.”

By now, my heart was beating way a lot quicker than normal. Butterflies flew around in my stomach and my face was getting a bit hot.

“And I just don’t know what to do. I-I think that this person might like me the same way. I have no courage to confess to them. What should I do? Wait for them or confess?”

“I-I…” I paused myself. Was this person she was interested in someone I knew? Was it possible that it was me? Although unsure, I gave her an advice what good friends would give (or at least, I hoped). “Taeyeon-ah, I think you should just tell her – or him.” I quickly corrected myself. “You can’t wait forever, right?”

She gave me a short nod, forming a thin line. Then, she suddenly hugged me from the side and said cheerfully, “Thanks, Sica! I knew you were the perfect person to come to.” She let go and I looked away, hoping to hide my red face from her. “Well, this is my turn. See you tomorrow!”

She waved at me with extra enthusiasm today and I waved back with happiness. Perhaps I had a chance.

-----

Few days passed since then. I was growing frustrated and worried. Was her person of interest not me? Or was she, maybe, just maybe, planning her confession to me?

-----

More days passed. Taeyeon wasn’t around me as much anymore. Every single day grew harder for me as I realized that Taeyeon didn’t even sit with us during lunch anymore. During classes, she was either too focused on the lecture or busy looking out the window, daydreaming the time away. Me? I was too busy looking at the back of her figure.

And when even more days continued to pass, everyone in the group seemed nonchalant about Taeyeon’s sudden absence, frustrating me even more. Did they not even care?

-----

It was spring when I decided to muster up some courage and confess to you. I wanted to graduate without regrets. It was, after all, our last year in high school. So I looked for you around the whole campus. Ironically enough, I found you at your locker. Such an obvious place, yet here I was, looking everywhere else.

-----

“Taeyeon-ah!” I called out, rushing over to where Taeyeon stood. She looked over at me – did her face turn red or was that my imagination? – and waved a small hello. I smiled brightly at her, finally getting the chance to talk to her for the first time in several weeks.

“Hey, Jessica,” she greeted, closing her locker gently and turning her body to me.

“Look, I –”

“Hey, listen –”

We looked at each other in surprise after speaking in unison. Giggling, the awkward atmosphere lessened. She looked at me with curiosity, assuring me to talk first. I took the chance.

“T-Taeyeon-ah,” I stuttered shyly. She smiled at me gently, encouraging me to go on.

That smile.

“I-I don’t know how to do this, but I’ve been debating whether I should tell you.” I gulped. “I don’t want to leave high school with regrets so I wanted to tell you something…” I paused momentarily, hoping for some sign that she was still listening. Her eyes staring at mine showed me she was. Gulping again, I continued: “Um, well, I really –!”

“Taeyeon-ah!”

Taeyeon and I both looked toward the source of interruption. The voice was unfamiliar to me, but apparently it was very familiar to Taeyeon as she perked up immediately and her face brightened drastically. She waved at the voice – a boy in our grade I realized – and held out her hand which the boy grabbed. It must have been obvious that I was clearly shocked because Taeyeon blushed and stuttered an explanation.

“Jessica, this is Jungsoo or you know, Leeteuk.” I stared at her, an eyebrow raised in confusion. She cleared awkwardly and finished, “My boyfriend.”

Boyfriend.

Boyfriend.

Boyfriend.

It felt like my world was being torn in pieces. My heart shattered and the butterflies in my stomach came to a sudden halt, as if their wings were being ripped apart.

‘The socially unaccepted part comes from a guy from a delinquent group?’ I asked myself bitterly. I narrowed my eyes unnoticeably at the boy before me. This boy was handsome, I had to admit, but a delinquent? Was he even our age, because he looks far older to me than he actually is. I mentally shook my head – since when was I a cold person inside too?

Realizing that I had not replied, I quickly smiled – damn, that smile seemed fake even to me – and congratulated them, bowing slightly at the crush stealer male.

Taeyeon must have sensed my awkwardness since she quickly changed the topic and asked me what I had planned to say. I shook my head and shrugged it off.

“It’s nothing. I forgot.”

She frowned.

She didn’t fall for my lie.

But she did not question it.

I felt dumbfounded – betrayed, even. Wasn’t she supposed to care? Were we not friends? Best friends? Now that she had a boyfriend, did she not care about me at all?

I guess she was only kind to me out of pity.

Pity.

That’s all it was. That’s all what our relationship was.

My smile faltered, as these thoughts ran through my mind. However, I made sure to smile once more, before walking away from the couple.

-----

“And to all graduating seniors, congratulations. We have never been so proud of our students. Continue to…”

I rolled my eyes. They probably said the same thing every year. I zoned out during the graduating ceremony until my name was called. Once up on the podium, I made a ‘brief’ speech:

“Hi.” The simple greeting received a few chuckles and giggles, causing me to smile momentarily. “I don’t know most of you, but I guess it’s safe to say more than I’d like to admit know me. Truthfully, I don’t know if I am thankful or disappointed that I don’t really know this school well. But you know, despite not knowing half of the student body – or half of seniors, for that matter – I’m glad to call myself a student from this school.

I met some wonderful people, who helped me grow from a complete antisocial caterpillar to a semi-antisocial butterfly.” Another round of giggles and chuckles. “I have few people to thank for this change in me and they know who they are. So thank you.” My eyes searched for her. While scanning the middle row, I caught her eyes and smiled softly, hoping that my message got across. “I might have given up on you, and I apologize, but you’ll always have a special place in my heart.

Thank you.”

As I left the podium, I heard a cheer (whether they were genuine or mannerism, I do not know). But to me, those cheers didn’t matter because only one person I truly cared for was not cheering. In fact, she sat frozen in her chair, staring straight ahead. I let out a soft sigh and went back to my own chair, waiting for the end of the ceremony.

As the graduation ceremony came to an end, the graduating seniors stood up from their chairs and threw their mortarboards into the air. As I stared at the flying caps, I promised myself something.

I will move on, physically and emotionally. I will move back to America and get my college education there. I will forget everything about her and live without her. I will meet a wonderful man, marry him, and have kids. We will then buy a house and live a peaceful family life. And I will forget her.

Because that was the only way for me to move on.

Because that was the only reasonable thing for me to do.

Oh mer gaarrrh.
The ending is so horrible and rushed and ugly and nasty and not-so-angsty and heart-touching and I laugh at this crappy sorcerer-y.

I'm sorry it came out horribly. I was so troubled in choosing the "confessor" role. Please forgive me for the massive OOC - ness going on here. I hope I got the point across. ...Probably not. Harharrr.

By the way, in case you haven't noticed, a whole paragraph(s) that is italicized means that Jessica is talking to Taeyeon, as if writing in a letter? That's what it was supposed to feel like anyway. The regular fonting is the past, the events that already happened and is in first person point of view - Jessica is not talking to Taeyeon in regular font. I don't know. I hope it was clear.

First request, done!

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM MOST DEFINITELY WELCOME.

/too lazy to reread. omg. so tired. forgiveeemeeee.