All That I Need To Survive

by (Amber)cookiebee

Setting:  An empty park
Autumn

“Let’s break up,” Ga Eul said.

I felt like a gun was shot through my heart. My thoughts? Not clear. Maybe I wasn’t thinking at all, and even if I had tried, I would have drawn a blank. Thus, nothing came out of my mouth. My mouth was too dry to say anything anyways.

“I-I-I don’t think I can continue with you if I don’t love you anymore.” She had her head bowed down, not looking at my still gaze.

“Ga Eul, what are you thinking? No, you’re probably not thinking at all. Right?” I had started to wring my hands that were starting to get sweaty even though it was autumn; almost winter. “You’re joking...right?” I said trying to find her eyes. My hands traveled to her face to hold it up and look at me, but she had abruptly slapped it away.

“Don’t touch me,” she said, her voice icy cold, and she finally raised her head on her own, “and no, I’m not joking. I’m totally serious here, and it’s up to you to believe me or not. I just don’t love you anymore, and I can’t be with someone I don’t love. You should know that, right Yi Jeong-ah.”

“Look!” she shouted surprising me. “I can’t be with you, because I pity you!” She pitied me? All that chasing she did was because she pitied me? “I need someone that I love, and that person isn’t you.”

“You’re lying, Ga Eul-yang, you’re lying. You love me like I love you. Soulmate, Ga Eul-yang. Listen to me, okay?”

“NO SO YI JEONG, YOU LISTEN TO ME!” I stopped talking. “No matter what you do, I’m sorry to say, we aren’t and we’ll never be soulmates. We’re not soulmates if one side doesn’t agree with the other.” She looked down at our hands. “Let me go now.” Reluctantly, but obeying to her wishes I let go of her hand and she turned around to pick up a big box that was placed on the bench beside us. “These are all the things you’ve given me from day one until now.”

“G-Ga Eul-yang,” I said surprised as she placed the box in my hands. My voice was faltering.

“I appreciate all the love you’ve given to me. I really do, but I can’t continue with this. Goodbye Yi Jeong-ah.” She then turned around leaving me behind, and  I stood there refusing to look at her fleeting figure. Up until now it felt like I had the whole world at the palm of my hand. Nothing could go wrong. I was happy and blissful with the only woman that I could be capable of loving. Then, everything was gone like the sand blown away by the wind. Barren and empty.

“Wait!” I shouted and ran up to her, leaving the box at the bench. I saw her figure stop and turn around. Immediately I grabbed into my arms and placed my lips slanted across her. The kisses of before when she said she loved me were no different than now. The passion we shared was still the same. She still loved me, at least that’s what I convinced myself. Ga Eul had made up her mind that she didn’t, though. A while later, we broke apart, our breathing deep and fast. Ga Eul looked at me shocked while I was smiling.

I grazed my thumb across her face. “ I don’t care what you say. You may say that you don’t love me anymore, but just remember that I’ll always love you. Always. Do you get that Ga Eul-ah?”

She nodded slowly, but then gently dragged my hands off her face. I sighed, but continued to look into her eyes. “I got to go Yi Jeong-ah.” I nodded and she gave a slight smile. I wasn’t sure why, but I was glad she did so anyways. “Don’t forget the box on the bench over there.” I nodded again. “Bye, Yi Jeong-ah.”

“Bye, Ga Eul-ah.” She then turned around, and for the second time, I had let the love of my life leave me.

I looked out the window of the room with a cup of hot chocolate in my hands slowly sipping it. It was her favorite. It probably still is, but I haven’t talked to her for more than a year. I still see her, of course. we have the same set of friends, and we weren’t going to change them anytime soon.

At first I thought she was going abroad, and she figured I couldn’t handle a long distance relationship. When that possibility came up, I was mad at myself, thinking that it was all my fault; my ex-casanova ways, but them the thought came across my mind that she didn’t trust me. Then I was mad at her. The thought of Ga Eul not trusting me tore my heart into smaller pieces than they already were. Then I got mad at myself again, for even thinking that Ga Eul wouldn’t trust me. I was crazy.

But after two months, she was still a kindergarten teacher, and she was still Jan Di’s confide at Jun Pyo’s extravagant parties. She just wasn’t my kindergarten teacher girlfriend, neither were her arms around mines at Jun Pyo’s parties. I hated it. Seeing her walking down the street , not beside me, and with other men. I didn’t even party with other women anymore, but there she was. I was crazy. I said that before didn’t I. I was obviously crazy too. So obvious that my friends check up on me. Someone was definitely coming today, on the second year anniversary of our break up. Anniversary? They make it sound like I was happy about our break up.

“Hey,” I turned around and there was Ji Hoo. On the day of the break up Woo Bin was here. We had a fight, he didn’t understand me. The next year was Jun Pyo, he was too happy with Jan Di to even sympathise with me. Yeah, they had struggles, I should know, but he didn’t tragically break up with Jan Di after a steady seven years. Seven ing years. I don’t even know what Ji Hoo can do for me. I know about the little episode he had with Jan Di, but I wasn’t so eager about details.

“Hey,” I said responding back. Ji Hoo slowly walked to the bed and was about to sit on it.

“Stop!” I shouted, one of my hands giving the stop sign. “I just made that bed!” Ji Hoo gave me a strange look.

“Since when have you been fixing your own bed?” He just hit a string and he didn’t even know it.

“Ever since Ga Eul made it a task every morning. I didn’t want to bother because we were going to mess it up anyways...” My voice dragged into silence awkwardly and Ji Hoo raised his eyebrows. “What? Come on, we lived together for seven years. She was pregnant once. We were going to tell you guys, but then she had a miscarriage.” I coughed a bit, and then sighed. “If she didn’t have a miscarriage would she still be with me?”

“How old would the baby be?”

A smile played on my lips, as I imagined Ga Eul and I with a big family. “The kid would be four years old.”

“Wow...,” Ji Hoo looked around the room, “Um...what other chores did Ga Eul ask you to do?” I knew he was moving away from continuing the touchy subject, so I went along with it.

“Hey, not all of them are chores.” There is no way Ji Hoo is going to make me smile today, if he’s trying to make me talk about Ga Eul casually, it might not be as touchy as the baby, but anything related to Ga Eul has always been a touchy subject to me. “Because of her every table in this apartment has a vase of flowers, because of her I take midnight strolls in the park,” I looked down at my cup and sighed, “because of her every morning I drink hot chocolate. It’s become a routine.”

“Everything is because of her, huh?” Ji Hoo sighed. “Have you considered moving out?”

I was still looking at my cup. “No, plus there’s no use, everything that we have done together has become a habit and I can’t stop. It’s useless.” I looked up and saw Ji Hoo sitting in a chair. “Do you think she still likes hot chocolate?”

“I don’t know, why don’t you ask her?”

“What? Are you crazy? I can’t even act normal around her!”

“Even before you were together you never acted normal around her. You always liked her.”

“Exactly!”

“Wait so you admit it?”

“I had to, she asked.”

“You didn’t have to admit it to me though.”

“You already knew though, no big deal.”

“At least you’re not hiding the fact.”

“The fact is that I can’t meet up with her anymore.”

Ji Hoo looked at me like he was mad. “What’s your problem that you can’t even look at her face?”

“What’s my problem? My problem is her! Everytime I see her all I want to do is hug her, and kiss her, but I can’t do that!”

Ji Hoo was obviously still mad at me. “ I want to be there with Jan Di as well, but that doesn’t mean because I can’t have her I isolate myself far away from her.”

“It’s not the same. You weren’t together for seven years.”

“That may be true, we weren’t even steady for six months, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love her as much as you love Ga Eul.”

“Then what did you do?”

“I let her go. I became her friend, the person she needs from me,” Ji Hoo’s phone started to ring and then he looked at me. “I’ll have to go to the hospital right now, but think about what I said, okay?” Then he left the room.

I didn’t need to think about what Ji Hoo said. I had already thought about a long time ago. We were so happy together, but now I had to settle for friendship? Even after two years, my heart wasn’t ready for that position.

I might as well die without her. No matter where I go I see her face, and I hear her voice. I love her so much, that I even make believe that she’s still in my arms with me. The way I loved her and the way she loved me was so do dynamic that no other type of love can replace it. She was the best thing that ever happened to me, and nothing can compare.

Only with her can I truly be alive. She’s all that I need to survive.