Seunghyun’s POV

/FLASHBACK

“Hyung~” Daesung said quietly.

“What?” I answered, feeling really worn out for the day.

“Erm…” He mumbled.

“What? Make it quick.” I snapped, not meaning it at all.

“I just… just feel that…” He stuttered.

I crossed my arms, an indication that I was running out of patience.

“I just feel that… it’ll be better if… you could try to be a little bit… earlier next time.” He said softly, looking down.

“Did you think I was late on purpose?” I asked.

“No no no! I never meant it that way! I know you have other schedules and all, but you know… you could let them know. You could be a little bit earlier. Everyone waited for three hours. The workers have things to do too.” He explained.

I got what he meant, and he was right. I could have been earlier, but because I was the only one there, and I was new, I did not dare to voice out that I have to go, therefore I stayed on. I was at fault, technically.

“I don’t… mean it.” Daesung said timidly.

“Why not you take my role huh!?” I yelled at him.

“Huh?” He looked at me.

“Why not you take my role?! Why not you be me for a day and tell me if you could be early!? I don’t even have the time to breathe! And here you are, asking me to be early because other people have things to do!? Was I idling my time away!?” I shouted.

“No… No… I… just…” He looked scared.

I should not have yelled. What am I doing?

“What’s going on?” A voice from behind asked. Youngbae.

“What do you mean by no!? You’re obviously unhappy, aren’t you!? Because you had to wait for me! You could have done so many other things but wait! Don’t forget we waited for you too! While you were at home idling, we were fighting to keep our reputation because of what you did! How dare you tell me off now!?” I shouted into his face.

What am I saying!?

“Oh. I… I’m so sorry about that.” He said, forcing a smile.

“Yah! Hyung! How could you say something like that!?” Jiyong shouted, pushing me to the wall.

“ISN’T IT TRUE!?” I yelled.

Stop it, Seunghyun. Control yourself.

“It’s not! You don’t mean it at all! Apologize to Daesungie now!” Jiyong’s glare was fierce enough.

“Why should I!? If not because of him, did everything have to stop abruptly?! Things would have gone on smoothly and we wouldn’t be so cramped up with schedules now! OUT OF EVERYONE, YOU, KANG DAESUNG, HAVE THE LEAST RIGHTS TO ASK ME TO BE EARLY!” I yelled.

My cheek came in contact with a hard blow, knocking the idiotic self out of me.

I looked up to find Jiyong and Youngbae staring hard at me, Daesung looking on the floor and Seungri looking very, very disappointed.

“I… I’m sorry.” Daesung whispered, taking a step back.

“Daesung ah~” Youngbae called out, grabbing his hand.

“I’m fine. I’m Kang Daesung, remember?” Daesung smiled widely before retreating to his room.

“Fantastic speech, T.O.P.” Jiyong clapped sarcastically.

“!” I cursed, stomping out of the house.

“Hyung! Hyung!!” I heard Youngbae and Seungri call out.

“Let him go! He needs to wake the up.” Jiyong yelled.

“But!!” Seungri protested.

The door slammed shut.

“ it! !” I cursed as I ran out onto the streets.

I walked aimlessly until I found myself in front of a building. I looked up. It was really high, about twenty storeys or so. I walked in, greeted by the security guard’s loud snores. As if someone else was controlling my body, I went up to the roof.

The door had a ‘No Entry’ sign. Why have a door when you do not allow people to enter? I pushed open the door, walking in. It was not even locked. Did they really think people would walk away just because it says ‘No Entry’? Perhaps others would, but not me.

The wind was not that strong, but cool enough. I leaned against the parapet, looking down. I started visualizing how it would be like to leap off the building. Once and for all, everything would end. All the stress, tiredness, bad comments, pressurizing expectations, everything, it would end.

I felt fearless out of a sudden. I climbed over, sitting on the parapet with my legs dangling down the building. I stretched out my hands, allowing the wind to hit my chest. All I had to do was to bend and let myself fall, and I will be as free as a bird.

“It’s pretty high here, isn’t it?” A voice asked out of a sudden, startling me.

I gripped onto the parapet to prevent myself from falling.

“What the…?” I looked back to see who it was.

A girl, perhaps younger than me, strolled over to where I was. She looked over the parapet, and then swiftly settled herself down next to me. She was so quick I do not even know how it happened.

“Excuse me?” I looked at her.

“Oh. Do you own this parapet? I’m so sorry.” She said, wanting to get off.

“Ahh what? No no! I don’t mean it that way.” I said.

“So, can I sit here?” She asked.

I shrugged my shoulders, looking out.

“It’s nice, isn’t it? The scenery here.” She pointed out.

Indeed, it was nice. From here, we could see the lights of Seoul.

“What is a little girl like you doing here late at night?” I asked casually.

“Firstly, I’m not a little girl. Perhaps I am young, but definitely not little. And, speak for yourself.” She said.

“I’m a guy.” I said.

“And so? A guy can be out late at night sitting on some parapet like nobody’s business? Come on, guys get robbed and too alright.” She said.

I gave her a weird look.

“What? Am I wrong?” She asked.

“No.” I mumbled.

She bend down to scratch her calf. As a nature reaction, I held onto her arm quickly, afraid she would fall over.

“Why?” She asked, laughing.

“Noth.. Nothing.” I said, letting go of her.

“Afraid I would fall over?” She asked.

I shrugged my shoulders.

“Well, you should worry about yourself.” She said.

“Why should I worry about myself?” I sighed.

“Why not?” She asked.

“Because I don’t deserve it. I cared so much for myself that I ended up hurting the people I love.” I said.

She looked at me with a smile, not saying anything.

“This world would be so much better without me.” I said, feeling tears well up in my eyes.

I looked down, not wanting a stranger to witness me cry.

“Everyone thinks that way.” She said.

“What?” I asked, looking up at her.

“I say, everyone thinks that the world would be better without them.” She smiled, pushing a piece of tissue onto my face.

“Some people don’t think that way.” I said, holding onto the piece of tissue.

“Those people are narcissistic~” She said.

“Perhaps.” I laughed.

“But do you really think getting rid of yourself would solve the problem?” She asked.

“Why? Trying to convince me not to end my life?” I asked.

“Convince you? Why would I do that? Even if you leap off the building now, I wouldn’t exactly feel anything. I don’t even know you.” She said straightforwardly.

“True.” I mumbled.

“But there are people who know you and would feel something if you do that thou.” She said.

I looked at her with a slight smile.

“Anyway, back to my question. Do you really think it will solve the problem?” She asked curiously.

“I don’t know.” I said.

“Then why do people do it still? I mean, it is an outcome we would never know the result to. Why do people still do it?” She asked.

“Maybe they are desperate to give others a better life.” I said.

“Are you desperate enough?” She asked.

I shrugged my shoulders.

“I am.” She said softly.

“Don’t!” I held onto her arm.

She laughed and pulled her arm out of my hand.

“You’re too young to be that desperate.” I ruffled her hair.

“Tsk! Who says only ahjusshis like you can have problems?” She said.

“Ahjusshi!?” I looked at her.

She laughed and shrugged her shoulders. I laughed as well. I guess I really do look old for my age.

“What happens if halfway down, you realize you want to live?” She asked.

“That’s too bad.” I said.

“True. But then again, regrets makes life more memorable, no?” She asked.

“Perhaps.” I said.

We shared a comfortable silence for a while, until I broke it.

“What do you know about life?” I said.

“Not a lot, but enough.” She smiled.

I looked at her curiously.

She pulled out a 10,000 won note from somewhere.

“Life, is like money. It’s important, isn’t it?” She asked.

I nodded.

“But it’s vulnerable too.” She said.

“In what sense?” I asked.

“This sense.” She said, tearing the money into half.

I looked at her, jaw hanging.

“People are always slogging their life out for this, I don’t know why.” She said, pulling out another 10,000 won note.

“You work so hard for your entire life that you forget that everything could disappear in just one .” She tore up the money again.

“Is this more important?” She asked, pulling out another note.

“Or this?” She poked my chest.

“I.. don’t know. Money, perhaps, without money, we cannot survive.” I said.

“Without life, you cannot use the money too. What’s the difference?” She asked.

“Erm…” I looked at her.

“It’s as important. Money is life, life is money. They are the same. Important, valuable, yet very vulnerable.” She said, tearing up the note, again.

“You slog your life away earning all these, but at the end of the day you neglect yourself, neglect your family and friends. It’s as good as earning money, and not being able to use it at all.” She said, tore up another 10,000 won.

“People protect their money with their lives, but they forgot that to do that, they need to be alive. Now come to think of it, although life and money are the same, is life more important or money more important?” She asked.

“Life?” I said.

“It’s still the same!” She laughed.

“It’s just how you see it. They are both important, but there is one difference.” She said.

“What?” I asked.

“Your money can be destroyed by other people.” She said, tearing up the note in her hand.

“But only you can destroy your life.” She pushed the stack of torn up notes into my palms.

I looked at her.

“There’s no such thing as no way out. Even when you meet a dead end, you can always make a U-turn. If you say something mean to someone, you can apologize. If you’re stressed up at work, you can stop working.” She smiled, turning and jumping off the parapet.

“Love life like how you love your money, for only when it’s gone, you’ll see how much it meant.” She said.

“And you really think you can be free like a bird if you jump off? Even the birds are chained to the skies! It’s tough, but life goes on. One day, you’ll realize that everything you  hate about today would not be that hateful after all, Choi Seunghyun sshi~” She smiled.

“And I lied just now.” She said, standing at the door.

“About what?” I asked.

“About not trying to convince you to jump. Well, I cannot say I was trying to convince you. I can just say, now that I have said my piece, the choice is yours.” She smiled, stepping out.

“Hey! Your money!” I called out to her.

“It’s not mine!” She laughed, pointing to my side.

I turned over to where she was pointing and saw my wallet opened up. She tore up my money!?

“Aish…” I mumbled, but ended up laughing.

I think she is the only one in the whole world who would tear up a stranger’s money like it was the most natural thing to do.

I went back that day to find the members pacing around the living room. When I stepped in, Jiyong crashed his weight against me, hugging me tightly.

“Where did you go, hyung!?” He cried.

“I went to get my soul back.” I said, patting his back.

“What are you saying!?” He looked at me.

“That was my evil twin just now. I’m Choi Seunghyun now.” I smiled.

“We were so scared!” Youngbae said as he came to hug me, together with Seungri.

“Where’s Daesung?” I asked, looking around.

“I MADE HOT CHOCOLATE!!!” Daesung beamed as he tried to handle five cups.

Seungri hurried over to help him.

“I’m so sorry.” I ran over to Daesung, hugging him tight.

“I know I cannot take back whatever I said. But please know that hyung did not mean any of it at all. I’m so, so, so sorry.” I said.

“I know, hyung. I know.” He smiled.

We sat around the coffee table, enjoying the too-sweet hot chocolate that Daesung made.

“Exactly how much sugar did you add in this thing!?” Jiyong finally voiced out, causing us to laugh.

/END OF FLASHBACK

“And then? Where did she go to?” Seungri asked like a curious child.

“I have totally no idea.” I said.

“You just let her go?” He asked.

“Was I supposed to chase after her and ask her back for 50,000 won?” I asked.

“Not exactly.” He laughed.

“But who is she?” He asked again.

“I don’t know! I really don’t!” I said.

“But then again… She knows my name.” I said.

“Who doesn’t?” Seungri made a face at me.

“True.” I laughed.

“What was she doing there so late at night?” He asked.

“I wonder too.” I said.

“Hyung!” He slapped my arm suddenly.

“WHAT!?” I stared at him.

“What if… she… is not… you know… like us?” He asked, looking scared.

“Are you trying to say I met a ghost?” I asked.

“Maybe…” He said softly.

“I would like to think of it as meeting an angel then, if she isn’t human. But aish! I’m positive she’s human, damn you, Seungri!” I slapped his thigh.

“You’ll never know, hyung!” He said.

Angel, ghost or human, whoever she was, despite the fact she tore up my money, but if not because of her that night, I would have leaped off the building. Whatever she said, I actually already knew, but perhaps that night, I just needed someone to tell it to me again, I needed someone to talk to, I needed someone to reinsure me that life is worth living after all. Whoever she was, I wish I had the chance to thank her, but then again, like she said, perhaps regrets would make life more memorable.