Kangin dare not show or say how he really feels. He hasn’t really experienced it and yet, by just being the audience he feels traumatized by it – Love, it’s abstract, it’s intangible and yet it pricks your skin hundred times until you cry and beg for it to stop, even though there are no visible marks.

Kangin would rather choose being injected, at least he knows what happens after, he knows he’ll benefit from whatever liquid is infused within his system and it happens at least once unless a repeat dose is necessary. If he’d compare love to a shot, it would be similar to being treated with chemotherapy – painful, a double edge sword. It helps you live and yet it could be one of the possible reasons that can kill you. Kangin doesn’t want that, and he doesn’t want his dear friend to suffer as well, when the chances of him living are close to nil.

Donghae had witnessed Death at a very early age, although that time, he thought it was something reversible and had even thought adults were such jokers – sleeping in an enclosed bed with shoes on! But what can you expect from a three year old boy? It was after having seen his grandfather being buried six feet under that he realized that his beloved grandfather will never wake up, that he was forever gone and out of his reach. Still, Donghae thought Death was something mystical and had thought of how to make his own funeral.

Donghae was so fascinated with life and death, the way the world balances out things – when one dies there are five babies born, was what he mused. He thought it was a bit unfair, a person is brought to the world wonderfully and yet how they depart it is questionable. How, when, where will he die or what would he be doing at that moment? Knowing how fragile life was, Donghae have made it his mission, to live life to its fullest.

~~~

“A year at least,” the doctor had said gravely. Donghae sat stunned still. “But that could change, cancer is an unpredictable disease.”

“When you say ‘a year’, is that with compliance to medication and therapy or not?”

“With therapy but I should remind you, you’re already in Stage III Mr. Lee.”

Donghae nodded, then after a brief pause he smiled genially. “I guess that’s better than be given a month. I can do a lot of things before that. I’ll be in your care doc.”

The oncologist wished there were more patients like Donghae, though sometimes she wished he’d vent it out a little. He’s strong, she admires that, but for how long? She hopes until the end.

Donghae broke the news to his family in their traditional gathering, after dinner, over beer and karaoke which made it harder for his family to take it seriously especially when Donghae was half-way tipsy. Ten minutes after Donghae repeats the results from the examinations the nth time, the room fell dead silent except for the occasional howls coming from the children in the backyard.

“I don’t want any tears shed on my funeral okay,” he joked but received sobs of different levels instead. He embraced his cousin who was nearest to him. He wanted to cry too, he wanted to vent his frustrations on someone but who, it was nobody’s fault. Was it his fault? It’s not a farfetched idea, after all we are the owners of our bodies, what we do with it is up to us but Donghae is tired, and he just thinks positively – at least I have a year or less, I can plan things out before I go, he thought as he tightened the arms encircled around his cousin. She didn’t mind even if it hurts already, she knew Donghae was hurting more and even so in the future.

Kangin didn’t take it nicely though, when Donghae told it to him, his childhood friend. “Look at it this way, Kangin,” he reasoned, “At least I won’t die in my sleep. That would be too unfair and lame.”

“But the medications for chemotherapy and even radiotherapy would kill you.”

“That’s a chance, a percentage Kangin. A chance that I’m willing to take.”

Kangin, above all the people he knew, didn’t want Donghae to suffer the most. He found it odd, how his friend was fascinated at the things that he abhors but he was thankful at one point, because if it weren’t for the adventurist side of Donghae, he’d be scared to even try to be in a relationship with someone albeit it didn’t last long. He watches Donghae as he seriously makes his Bucket List, promising to himself that he’ll help anyway he can to make whatever is left with his friend’s life as fruitful as he wishes it.

Kangin hates it, he never wanted to feel it, the slight cringe of the heart, the momentary heavy feeling which was almost illogical. The heart is a muscle that pumps blood to and away from your organs and tissues, that’s why it’s part of the circulatory system. It doesn’t think, the brain does that, so why does it hurt when you’re sad?

“Are you okay with this?” Donghae wondered, eyes narrowing and appraising Kangin.

“Yes, I promise I’ll help you scratch everything from that List of yours.”

“But it’s going to be painful, physically, emotionally, spiritually.” Kangin rolled his eyes and sighed audibly.

“Then the more I should be here, else you die earlier than you should, wouldn’t that mean more babies born, a country overpopulation or something.”

Donghae laughed and embraced Kangin, thankful that he was going to accompany him. Because in all honesty, even though he has accepted it – the fact that he was going to die – he was afraid. Donghae knew that it was going to be painful, more painful than the occasional stabbing pain that he had felt and he was afraid that despite all the mental preparations, all the readings, in the end he’d give up and wish he’d die earlier – when the pain is just bearable.  

~~~

It had been six months since they knew of Donghae’s condition and Kangin curses inwardly, how could it have progressed so fast, he was supposed to have a year, he still has six more months? Kangin wanted to shout at someone, maybe to the omnipotent God but when would God answer him, he’ll just look like a fool screaming at some non-existent being.

They were on their way to Rio de Janiero – one of Donghae’s to-visit-places, saying that Fast Five was shot there, and the film was one of Donghae’s favorites when Donghae had one of his attacks, unfortunately it wasn’t something they could just shrug off. It lead them to the hospital instead.

Kangin would occasionally take turns with Donghae’s parents in watching over him. It wasn’t strenuous or bothersome, he was the top of his batch. He could juggle university and washing off Donghae’s vomit.

“Maybe you should stop with the therapy,” he suggested one day. He was putting Donghae’s soiled clothes away. He had been wearing the mandatory attire when getting inside Donghae’s reverse isolated room. He was relieved of how he had to wear a mask, he didn’t know if he could held out a calm expression.

Each time Donghae recoils into a fetal position after being infused with the medication or after the therapy in total, how Donghae would grunt in pain Kangin would involuntarily flinch and he’d twitch into a painful frown.

“If I’d stop with the therapy then I’d be dead by now,” Donghae joked.

Kangin has always admired this side of Donghae, so strong and positive. He wished he could be someone like that and he’d always shudder whenever he thinks of his own death. He doesn’t want it to be painful, that’s for sure.

“I still haven’t accomplished everything in my list yet,” Donghae said with a forced laugh.

“I’ll scratched them out for you,” Kangin stated and he did, taking pictures each time he completes a task and if it were possible he’d take it to Donghae so he’d do it himself. Although it had gotten harder to take things in without compromising Donghae’s health.

~~~

Kangin clapped as loud as he could, startling Donghae awake. “Sorry,” he said with a shrug. “ I can’t bring poppers in.” Donghae smiled and shifts tediously on his back, to see Kangin better. He looked gaunt, his hair was replaced by a warm, snug snow cap, his eyes had gotten sullen and he was attached to more tubes than the last time Kangin could remember. It took all of Kangin’s might as it has always have to keep a smile on his face and not break down.

“Happy eighth month!” Kangin exclaimed.

“Wow, it has been that long already,” Donghae croaked as he let out a soft laugh. Kangin watches Donghae again, watch him struggle just to move, watch him fight against the inevitable and wonder how could Donghae’s eyes still have the warmth it used to have when he was still physically healthy.

“You’re really amazing Hae,” he said softly, unable to hold it in and had allowed a few streak of tears to fall in front of his friend. Donghae smiled and held out a weak hand, beckoning him to come closer. “You’ve completed your Bucket List, congratulations,” Kangin said with a weak smile, brushing aside the tears.

“Not quite yet,” and Donghae tries to lean forward, and whispers against Kangin’s ear which brought torrents of tears cascade over Kangin’s face uncontrollably.

~~~

“This is my last wish, it’s selfish but… I want you to hurt for me and continue getting hurt, not always but that’s part of Life. You live, you laugh and you love. You feel light from happiness and you cry from sadness. You move up when you succeed but if you stumble, even if it’s painful you get back up. You live Kangin, can you do that for me?”

“You’re asking way too much Donghae.”

“I know, but it’s because I love you, I want to make sure you’re okay before I go to the other side.”

“Now you’re being unfair.”

Kangin doesn’t like crying, for starters, it wasn’t manly. And when he does, it’s never in front of anybody. He doesn’t want to be called weak nor a crybaby like Donghae was, but thinking through everything Donghae wasn’t weak and he wasn’t the strong one. And it was unfair, how can he say something so important at the end only?

 “Aren’t you satisfied with torturing me physically, now you’re making me feel hurt too?”

Donghae laughed even though it was already painfully difficult. “You volunteered, remember?”

Physical pain is better – you get hurt, it bleeds and sometimes it just stings, then you wash it, treat it and it’ll either disappear or become a scar. Love, mysterious as it is, it leaves a scar that only, probably, Time can only heal. How Kangin wished that some medication could take it away for him, anti-psychotic drugs might but he’d be in a nutshell after, maybe. He doesn’t want that.

“Donghae, it hurts,” Kangin mutters to no one in particular, probably to the yapping puppy Donghae had left in his care. “I told you I don’t want to feel this, but… you’re right, it makes me feel like I’m alive,” he utters as he dips his head in between the crook of his crossed arms, over his knees that were brought near to his chest. It had been ten days since Donghae left him, left everyone and he was sitting on the grass, leaning against Donghae’s headstone.

“But I miss you and it kills me.”

A/n: if there's any questions about anything about the fic feel free to ask and i'll answer. i've clarified a few on my fic site but if pre-clarifications would be bothersome here then i'll just wait for questions. other than that. i'd love some comments please..?