Amber exhales as she stares up at the ceiling from the living-room couch, her left arm resting on the top of her forehead. She had just come back from shopping with Krystal, and boy could that girl shop! Amber had spent most of her time following Krystal around like a little lost puppy, carrying her bags, along with her own, all over the shopping mall. She swore she got a workout from the several bags of clothes she had been carrying! But these were the things she loved about Krystal. Amber loved how Krystal liked to shop and liked clothes, she loved how excited she would get when she would see something in a shop window and then that sparkle in her eye when she walked out with it. But there was only one thing that made her extremely happy above all the others, and that was when Krystal smiled. It was like this warmth surrounded her whenever she saw the girl’s face light up with happiness.

The tomboy shook her head and closed her eyes, catching herself thinking a little too much about Krystal again. This was nothing new though, every time they hung out with the rest of the girls or spent time together, Amber would later go home and lay down only for her mind to be bombarded with thoughts of Krystal; some innocent and some not. Amber was still having trouble in figuring out exactly when her feelings shifted from just-a-friend to more-than-a-friend. It was times like these that she hated knowing Krystal, hated the girl herself for making her confused like this. And while Krystal had no idea what war was going on inside of Amber, it still made her want to just scream and yell at her and ask her what she was doing to her. What power she possessed that made Amber not only question where she stood emotionally, but ually as well.   

It seemed like no matter how much Amber forced herself to not think of Krystal, she was always met with failure. To her, it was worse than physical torture when you’re always thinking of someone you can’t have and not being able to do anything about it. Sometimes Amber asked herself what she had done so wrong in her life for this to be happening to her, for her to experience this torture. While every time she would think of Krystal it would always start off with her smiling, it eventually led her to frowning all because of the truth behind it; the truth she could barely come to terms with.

Amber knew for a fact that Krystal would never like her that way simply because she was straight, and it never failed to kill Amber a little more inside at the reminder. She had come to a conclusion that she had liked Krystal for awhile, that seemed to be obvious, but when did it lead to driving her crazy with want? She told herself it was just because she was a cool girl, but the lying was no longer convincing her and it was becoming nearly impossible for her to ignore or hide her feelings any longer, from herself and Krystal.

It was no secret to the fans that Amber liked Krystal, and Amber knew this. She knew that they could see how she followed Krystal around like a puppy, how she would jump at the girl's every request, how she would sneak little glances at her whenever she had the chance, how much of a gentleman she was around her, and how addicted she was to her touches. It was obvious to “everyone else”, but her, and this is what just made Amber want to pull her hair out because she didn’t know how much more obvious her feelings could be. Wasn’t everything she did not enough for Krystal to notice something? And even though the possibility of her feelings being returned excited her, it scared her like no other. She knew her feelings came with a price, the risk of exposure and constantly keeping things under wraps for as long as possible, but she was willing to give up and risk everything just for her.

Another, yet frustrated, sigh escaped ; what was she going to do? How could she get rid of these feelings? Were there even any answers to her questions to begin with? That she didn’t know.

These tiresome yet painful thoughts that bothered her nonstop, that caused her to lose sleep at night and focus during the day, were constant reminders that her love would always be unrequited, no matter how much she prayed for Krystal to notice. It just hurt, hurt so much whenever Krystal would hug her or hold her hand, hurt to know that it would always be innocent and nothing more. Still, every time they did touch, Amber always prayed it would mean so much more, wished it would be a sign of her feelings being returned. But every time she tried to look for this sign, it was to no avail.

There was no explaining the longing that burned inside Amber whenever she and Krystal touched, or whenever Krystal smiled at their fans with such love and excitement, because it was a smile that she wished was for her eyes and her eyes only instead of for several other people. Whenever it came to Krystal, there was always this sense of possession that took hold of Amber whenever someone told her that she was pretty and made her blush cutely, or whenever someone would hug her, because in the back of Amber’s mind, Krystal belonged to her.

Krystal was completely oblivious as to what exactly her touches did to Amber's body, or what they did to her emotions. With just the slightest touch, accidental or not, awoke every nerve in the older girl's body and sent several messages to her brain that overrode her ability to keep calm around her. It threw her emotions off track and opened up a side of her that she both loved and hated, but also one she was desperately trying to get away from and at the same time trying to understand. The war going on inside her wasn’t giving her the answers she needed, still leaving her confused and stressed without a hint as to if she was close to figuring this thing out. No one had ever explained to her the hardships that came with love, especially unrequited, and from the same . While her first love was at the age of 15, she still wasn’t experienced yet, and had to figure all these feelings out on her own. But, she still didn’t have all the answers yet.

The constant clashing between heart and mind was persistent, never once giving Amber a moment’s peace. While the little voice in the back of her mind told her to forget about Krystal and her feelings for her, her heart fought back twice as hard, making her feelings grow stronger and stronger for the girl with each passing day. It was coming to the point where Amber was driving herself mad! She didn’t know what to do, or even who to talk to! If she told someone, it might get out and there went everything she and the girls worked for, but if she kept this inside, she would end up sitting in a corner rocking back and forth and muttering to herself. She was caught between a rock and a hard place.

While there was no doubt that Amber had it bad, and that she may be was in love with Krystal, there was another side of her that she was trying very hard to keep locked inside for as long as she possibly could. There was this side of her that wanted to wipe the very last piece of innocence in Krystal, wanted to contaminate her mind and body like she was doing to Amber now, wanted to rip that little angelic smile from her face and find the witch that was causing her this emotional suffering. She wanted Krystal to become a slave to her emotions till she was begging for release, and not just emotionally, but ually too. It was Amber’s hidden sadistic side that wanted to completely the innocence out of her and destroy her mind till it awoken the vixen from deep within, the one she had caught a glimpse of from time to time, and let her out to play. This was the side she didn’t want to let out though, the one that would take Krystal by force whether she liked it or not. And while that all scared her, it also excited her, excited her to know that Krystal would no longer be an image of innocence and that Amber would no longer have to suffer anymore.

Amber groaned in frustration again, shooting up from her laying position on the couch till her feet were planted on the floor and her hands gripping at the sides of her head. She was letting that side out again, and she knew she would have to quickly push it back in before she did something she would later regret. All she wished was for Krystal to notice, to tell her she noticed, not leave the poor girl alone in the dark to be eaten by the shadows of her emotions. She had long ran out of tears, and long ran out of ways to keep her feelings hidden; there was nothing left for her to do. She knew that the bottle that held her emotions was beginning to crack, and knew it wasn’t long before it busted out. So she decided before that happened, she would tell someone, someone she could trust and knew would never use it to create her downfall. She just had to find that person first.

The ebony haired girl falls back on the couch and resumes her laying position before she pulls out her cell phone. Right now she couldn’t put her feelings into words that someone could understand, and right now she wasn’t ready for that, but she knew one way to let just a small bit of her feelings out to keep them at bay.

Amber J. Liu ‏@llama_ajol

The things love can do to you....

Amber presses the ‘tweet’ button before letting out a soft but sad chuckle as she looks down at her phone; she shakes her head before she puts it away and then returns her eyes to the ceiling. Maybe someday Krystal will feel the same, and maybe someday Amber will tell her how she feels, but for now that wish was saved for another universe and another time in history. She just hopes and prays that when she does gain the courage to tell her, as well as when she sorts her feelings out, that Krystal feels the same way too.

On the other side of California, Krystal’s phone chimes with a notification on her screen that said Amber had tweeted something. She slides the phone open to see the message that Amber had written, wondering what it would say. When she finally gets to her homepage, she reads the sad yet haunting words that were on her screen and her heart drops.

With a sad look on her face, she rereads the message one last time before she says, “If only you knew.”

Krystal brings the phone to her heart as she closes her eyes; never once knowing those words were about her. All she can feel is the longing and jealousy that she had felt for as long as she could remember as she closes the phone and lays on her bed, wishing that one day she would finally gain the courage to tell Amber just exactly how she really felt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~