http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uelHwf8o7_U

There he goes again, puffing his favorite cigarette. I sit on the floor and just watch him. He looks at me and I see that crazy look he has. His eyes are bigger than usual. He had it and he still puffs another substance. He stoops down to my level and stares at me. Those eyes, one should fear them. One should hate him, but I can’t.

He pulls my hair and connects our lips together. I can feel my lips bruising. He bites my lips and I can taste the blood within the battle of our tongues. My hands made its way to his arms and grip it tightly. I can feel the cigarette on his other hand burn on me, which caused me to bite his tongue.

He pushed me away and looked at his face at the mirror. He turned back at me and smirked.

“I’ll order food,” he says and harshly pulls me again for another liplocking madness. As soon as he was done, he went to the order room to order food. I hug my knees and sigh.

What am I doing in my life? I don’t know. He’s crazy. He’s insane. He’s always high. He’s suffocating me with his puffs of smoke. His eyes are not of normal eyes that you would want to stare at. He’s not normal. At the end of each day, I ask myself why I’m with him and how I ended up living with someone like him.

“I ordered cheeseburgers, your favorite,” he smiled as soon as he enters our bedroom again. He comes to me and picks me up. “This is where you belong,” he said and tucks me in between his arms and the pillows.

Yes, I remember now. I am insanely in love with him.

_*_

“In a few years, I’ll take over the world,” he says and I nod. I caress his arms that I scratched earlier.

“I’m sorry for earlier,” I said, eyeing those red scratches he has.

“You know how I like it anyway,” he said and moved on top of me again.

“But I’m still sore—“

Too late. He entered without a warning. He held my wrists as he harshly pounds in and out of me. If it was possible, I would have bled every time we do this. This was the easiest he’s gone. He’s probably tired already. But it’s not just him. I am tired. Physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

He held me closer as we both reached the peak. He looked at me with his bangs covering his eyes. I wiped away his sweat and tried to raise myself up to give him a kiss. Slowly, we wrap our arms around each other, still connecting our lips. Each movement we do hurt like hell. Maybe next morning, I’ll regret agreeing to this, but I know that the moment I’ll see his face, I don’t regret anything.

_*_

“,” I muttered. I saw his phone and a picture of another girl. They say he owns me. They say I’m his prisoner. They don’t know I love this jerk. They think I’m a stone. They think I don’t get hurt or affected with the things he does to me. Little did they know I get hurt too. I’m still a human being. I’m a human being in love with another human being.

“What are you doing?” I hear his voice. I scoffed and turned my eyes at him. Maybe I should have been afraid when I see him march his way to me and grab his phone. I should have been afraid of what he could do to me.

“The girl, she’s pretty isn’t she?” I commented. He kept that poker face. “Is she prettier than me? Is she better in bed than me? Is she a better lover than me? Are you happier with me than her?!”

With that, he slammed me unto the wall. The fierceness in his eyes was not new to me. I shivered a bit under his touches. He was about to lean but I turned my head away. I pushed him away and tried to leave the room.

“Where are you going?!” He yelled, walking behind me. I didn’t answer him. He pulled my arm harshly and asked me again.

“Does it matter to you? I’m leaving you. Why don’t you go to that girl? She looks better than me. More innocent… More pure… Don’t you like girls like that?”

He smirked and placed his head on my neck. He knows me exactly. With the long time that we’ve been together, he knows my weak spots and one of them was on the side of my neck. Slowly, I felt the wet and slick tongue of him slide up from my collar bone up to my ear.

“Don’t you even try to ever ing leave me.” It sounded more like a commandment to me. I want to know up to what the almighty Kim Heechul can do.

“I’ll take the risk,” I said and threw his arms on the side.

Swiftly, I tried to reach for the knob of our door. Before I could even get it, he pulled my hair. I slapped him in the face in return. It was continuous. We had bruises with all the pushing and pulling we did. I didn’t know how we ended. We found ourselves exhausted afterwards.

“Don’t leave,” I looked at him and I saw something in his eyes. It wasn’t something that you could achieve by being high or drunk.

He crawled near to me and suddenly hugged me.

“She’s no one,” he breathed, still trying to catch his breath. “Believe me. For me, it’s only you. I was scared earlier that you’ll leave.”

“This house?”

“No. Our house… and my life.”

Whoever said I never love this man probably doesn’t know how much possessive I am with him. I hate it when someone else looks at him. I hate it when someone likes him. I hate it when he’s not with me. I’m insecure and I know that.

“I love you,” I said to him that night. He paused for a moment before I saw those eyes again, those eyes that seem to sparkle at night and those that I have fallen in love with.

“I love you too,” he said and pulled me up again.

After rounds of love making, we covered each other with our arms. Our bodies looked ugly to others because of the scars and bruises, but to us, we don’t see them ugly. It’s a constant reminder of what happened and why even up to now we’re still together.

_*_

I don’t smoke but I love the smell of it. I’m a second hand smoker. I inhale his puffs of cigarette smoke. We face each other and he holds the cigarette as he blows towards me.

“,” I said and eyed the thing on the floor. He held the cigarette up and hit it on my arm. I winced in pain but he kisses it afterwards. He took the and lit it.

Many people have vices. I don’t know mine. I just do things that Heechul does. I just follow him. He takes more than just the weed. He takes a small plastic bag and he inhales it. His eyes slowly change and he falls down. I pick his head up and place it on my lap.

“I love you,” he whispers.

“I love you too,” I said.

The place always smelled like cigarette smoking and alcohol. I don’t take drugs or alcohol, but I taste them in his mouth and lips. It’s addictive, the way how they mix with his lips and tongue. I told myself that I don’t want to live a life of being trapped. They say I’m trapped by someone. They know nothing. I trapped myself in this thing called love.

They say love is blind. those people. Love makes the world go round? Funny, that’s what money’s for. Love makes people do crazy things. Probably, that’s what make me crazy in a way too.

I don’t believe in lust, just love. I can say that I never have lusted over Heechul. I love him and make love to him. I’m not miserably living with him within the four corners of our old and abandoned place. Do you live miserably live with the person you love? They say I won’t have a future with him. Can someone really predict the future? Who are they to say that I have no future with him? What do they know?

We don’t care what our situation in life is. I need him. He needs me. We’re puzzle pieces that are made to fit each other, not for others. I don’t live for others, but for him.

Abnormal, unusual, crazy, insane… They throw these words at us as if they’re not sinners. They judge us too much, but why should I care? I don’t need their statements and opinions. The only words that matter to me are of Heechul’s.

Kim Heechul. They ask me why him. He’s crazy. He’s insane. He’s not normal. I know but I’m still with him. I know his flaws. I know his imperfections. I know his sins. I know his vices. I know everything about him and in the end, I know that I still love him.

I have learned to accept people despite their faults, especially if they know. Heechul knows he’s abusive. He knows he has bad vices. He knows himself too well that he knows his capacities. And after everything, the thing he’s sure the most is his feelings for me.

He drinks. People drink, but the treat him like he does it for a living.

He smokes. People shoos him like he’s a bad smoke.

He’s not a anymore. They claim he has STDs/AIDS/HIV

I don’t drink but I taste the bittersweet alcohol mixed with his saliva and love it.

I don’t smoke but I inhale the bad smoke along with his breath on it as if it’s my oxygen.

I’m not a anymore. I gave mine to him and he gave his to me. We also use protection.

Everyone has vices. We’re just different because we know what they are and we know to ourselves how ed up we are. How we are the perfect wrecked up couple, as what others say.

They can say a lot of things because we don’t give a . At the end of the day, we’ll think of our number one vice.

His number one vice is me while mine is a person named Kim Heechul.