Writing a goddamn letter isn't my way of making things better and easy. It's just that I don't have any freaking idea what to do, to ease the burden that I have been carrying for a couple of months now. 

I thought things will get better and ok if you'll just leave it the way it used to be. But, for my case it definitely wasn't.

Why?

Let's just say I've been in this band for not more than a year yet I already feel tired and exhausted. Not just because were busy with so many guesting, concerts, and other famous people related activities, we also have personal lives and feeling that we  have to take care of. The struggle in separating our ownselves from what we used to be to what need to be is an added insult to injury. 

Psychosis? Delusional?

Maybe.

We sometimes felt like we loss contact to reality, or what we truly are. We need to let the reality go and, let the world of idealism and perfectionism devour us. At first it was fun, but the more we go deeper into it the more we struggle to get out of there, and hold onto our sanity and true self. It is not easy to change oneself just to attain the expection that others throws in you. It is not easy to just put on clothes you didn't want to, to put make up that irritates you, and to smile infront of so money people when inside you're crying and hurting. 

What people didn't know is that being famous has its toll. You can't chose who you want to be, and what do you want to do. The world of celebrity, and popularity is a world of dictation and fake perfection.

Why not quit?

I really want to, but there is no other choice but to continue. Did is just says choice? Yeah, we lack of that.

If you are reading carefully, you'll realize that what I've written is all the frustrations, and rant about my career and famous self. I know for sure that I can handle it and all. I am strong, will powered, and a determined person to begin with.

I Suho-ssi is not a leader for nothing! I Suho-ssi can handle every bit of bash people are throwing in, nagging of every executives and higher people that handling us, and taking care of 5 annoying es. When I say es it is indeed my bandmates. 

But!

My one true self under the name of Joonmyeon.

Hey Suho! Will you shut up already! It's my turn!

Anyway, I am Joonmyeon the real one! The one who's talking... err writing earlier is non other than my fake self Suho.

Suho the nice leader. Suho that has a smile that can light up the room. Suho the patient one. Suho the blah or whatever perfect adjective you can put to. 

What they didn't know is that Suho has also Joonmyeon.

Joonmyeon that was always being left out. Joonmyeon that was always been shut off. Joonmyeon that was always being locked up in a usually forgotten world called Reality. 

Joonmyeon the real self. Joonmyeon the real me.

Since, I manage to get out and outshine Suho; I'll take this every opportunity to say what I am so eager to say.

Suho's problem is not as major and as difficult as I have.

I am inlove.

Yes you heard right!

I am inlove.

To whom?

Jongdae! or Chen the fake one! Either way!

Why did I say that it was difficult? 

Because Suho keeps on blocking me from sending him the real deal. He always says that falling inlove with your group member is not ideal. Having a romantic feeling towards same is not perfect.

What the right? But, what can I do? Fighting your ownself is so much harder than fighting another person.

This chance of seeing the world only came once in a while so before he could sent me back and locked me up again. I'll take the right measure to keep him off. 

Maybe these variety of different bitter candies or what they called medicine can finished the deal between us.

Wish me luck that every thing will be ok soon.

I LOVE YOU JONGDAE

FOREVER

Oh god! I think Suho is coming out. CIAO!

Chen, put down the letter and stares at the lifeless body of Joonmyeon, lying in front of him. He never thought once that Joomyeon can resort to this kind of choice. He never thought that Joonmyeon is carrying a very huge and heavy load like this. He never thought that Joonmyeon loves him so much that he has to kill himself just to prove how much he loves me. 

"You are so ing stupid and selfish!" Chen yelled, still staring down at the dead body infront of him. His eyes filled with sadness and tears. "After letting me know how much you love, you're going to kill youself and leave me?", he continued as tears multiply to the power of infinity. "You didn't even gave me a chance to say what I feel for you!".

The silent crying turns into painful sobs into heartbreaking bawling of sadness and grieve.

"I love you too! You ing moron stupid piece of !" Chen cried as he tries to gasp some air to breathe.

Silence.

Everything just turn into a quite peaceful place.

The place that once full of agony and pain is now in a deafining silence.

All the 10 members happily goes inside Joonmyeon's room just to replaced by gasps in different tones and levels.

Eyes were all wide, and tears pours down their face simultaneously.

What did they saw are the emply bottles of pills.

And, a two lifeless body lying on a floor holding each others hand.

Their souls are now together and bound not to be separated in world where hell and heaven didn't exist.

In an oblivion were only the two of them knows where.