“Baekhyun-ah!” I turned and smiled to myself as I see Chanyeol makes its way to me. Just as always, he would welcome me into his arms into a bone crushing hug.

It’s been like this. For the past few weeks, I can’t help but be troubled by questions.

“Is my Baekhyunnie okay?” He asked and I just nodded. “Well, let’s go then,” he said and pulled my hand.

I watch him as he plays the basketball at the arcade. A small smile is on my face. He drags me to every game he likes and would eat every time. Our date would just be simple, but it would always make my heart flutter. All his small words and sweet actions would always make me happy. All of him, I love it.

But I can’t help but wonder why don’t I feel anything like that anymore?

I just wondered why the feelings suddenly deflating, like a balloon left out for a long time. I don’t want to him leave. I can’t imagine him crying without me beside him. I can’t imagine him lose at his game and has no one who will comfort him. I can’t imagine him be all happy with someone else.

But no matter how much I try to squeeze all the feelings my heart has, I can’t seem to feel what I used to feel for Chanyeol. It’s like my heart got sick of it and it hurts. I want to love Chanyeol. I try my best to make myself fall for him like before, but I just can’t. It’s not the same anymore. No matter how much I try myself to feel it, nothing happens.

_*_

“Chanyeol,” I called for him in the midst of us watching a movie. He turned to me and I looked into his eyes. His eyes sparkled, just like before and as always. Why can’t I return the feelings anymore? How can your love still burn for me after all this time? Why can’t I?

“Are you going to tell me something important, Baekhyunnie?” He asked.

“I…” I can’t do it. I can’t say it. I just don’t want to get him hurt. “Nothing,” I just shook my head.

“Okay,” he said and returned his head back to the screen. “I love you, Baekhyunnie. You’ll always be Chanyeol’s Baekhyunnie,” he said and held my hand.

It hurts. I want to cry at that moment, but I don’t cry in front of him. It hurts to hear those words because I can’t return those feelings anymore. There are no more sparks, unlike before. It doesn’t sound so sweet unlike before. Everything is slowly dying, like a candle.

_*_

For a while, I tried to avoid Chanyeol. I made myself busier than ever. I avoided his messages and calls. Through this, I just hope that Chanyeol will get mad at me and break up with me because I can’t do it.

“BAEKHYUNNIE! THERE YOU ARE!” He called out one day. He hugged me so tight as always. “I thought I lost you. I thought something happened to you. Do you know how sad I was when I couldn’t contact you?” Worry was written all over his face.

“I’m sorry. I was busy and my phone broke down,” I lied.

“It’s okay. What matters is that you’re okay now,” he said. Even that doesn’t taste so sweet anymore.

“Tell you what, tomorrow, I’ll bring you to your favorite café for an afternoon date,” he said.

“Sounds great,” I said.

_*_

“You should tell him,” Kyungsoo tells me.

“It’s not easy.”

“I know. But you’re just also making things harder for you and Chanyeol. What do you think he’ll feel when he finds out your love died and you’re just with him because you pity him?”

“I don’t—“

“Yes you do. You don’t want him to get hurt. You don’t want him to be alone. You don’t love him anymore but you’re still with him. What’s that then?”

I looked at Kyungsoo and knew that he was right. It’s the bitter truth. I just can’t admit it because I don’t want to. But it’s hard for the both of us to be like this. I’m his world, but to me, it’s not like that anymore. He’s important to me, but why can’t I seem to make myself fall in love with him agan?

_*_

“Baekhyun-ah, is something bothering you lately?” I looked at Chanyeol as he placed his hand on my cheek. I held his hand and it.

“Just things,” I answered.

I tried to make him feel as if I still love him. I tried to act that I still love him, but why can’t I? Everything I do is forced. And it’s hard to do so.

I didn’t realize that we were already in my apartment until Chanyeol told me so.

“Look, Baekhyunnie, you’re making me worry. You seem to be too pre-occupied every time that we’re together.”

I looked into his eyes. I’m not ready for this moment, but I have to. For us. For me. For him.

“I’m thinking about you,” I said and looked at the ground.

“That’s so sweet of you, Baekhyunnie, but I already know that you—“

“Not that Chanyeol. I keep thinking about you because I’m trying to make my heart remember the feelings it had for you.” I said and closed my eyes.

“W-what are you saying, Baekhyunnie?”

“Stop calling me that.” I tried to swallow that lump of saliva in my throat, but I wish I could just choke on it so I wouldn’t have to say the next words. “I tried my best to make myself feel those feelings I had for you back then. I tried everything I could. I would squeeze my heart if I have to, but I can’t and I don’t know why! Do you know what’s more frustrating? The fact that I’ve been trying everything I could so that you could hate me because I can’t leave you even if I don’t feel the same way anymore.”

“I don’t know what to do anymore! I want to love you so much again, but my heart can’t make myself feel love you the way I used to. I’m sorry Chanyeol. I tried my best, but I can’t. The feelings died and I can’t revive it anymore.”

I cried my heart out. I don’t know why this could hurt when I can’t love him. I would trade anything just so I could have those feelings again, but a part of me wouldn’t. I felt arms surrounding me and I knew it was him.

“It hurts, but there’s nothing I can do if you can’t. I’m going now.”

Those were his last words before he went away. I looked outside the window and saw the rain pour. I watched him as he slowly walks through the downpour. “I’m sorry,” I whispered to myself. But it’s no use. He’s gone. I had to let him go. He deserves someone who can love him, unlike me.

I cried that night, knowing that he’s gone. My heart felt numb and I don’t know what to do but stare at the ceiling. He keeps running on my mind, but the Chanyeol flashing on my mind is the Chanyeol I fell for, but I can’t seem to bring myself revive those feelings. I don’t know why I keep thinking of the things that make me unhappy.

This is supposed to be for the good of us, but why doesn't it feel good? It just feels worse. But as Kyungsoo said, I don't want to be with him because I just don't want him to get hurt. It's unfair. But it's also unfair for my part.

_*_

Two weeks. I’ve been counting the days since Chanyeol and I parted. Is he okay? Is he eating? Is he happy? Is he still the happy virus? Is he still the Chanyeol I knew? I still think about him even when I know he won’t come back. He probably didn’t look for someone else, but he probably drowned himself with work.

Sighing to myself, I suddenly heard the doorbell ringing. When I opened it, a pack of bacon was there. I stared at it before picking it up again.

“Maybe you can’t revive those feelings again, but I’m willing to go back at the start just so you could feel those feelings again,” a deep voice spoke, the voice that I used to love.

“Chanyeol, I told you—“

“I DON’T CARE! BULL! Baekyun, are you listening to yourself?! You aren’t the old Baekhyun I used to know. You’ve become more distant and busier, but did I care? No. I thought it would be okay if I didn’t pay attention. Yes I got hurt, but I realized that I had mistakes too. I would do everything to get you back and make you feel. Just one more chance. If you really can’t feel those old feelings, then I’m willing to let you go.”

This. This was the Chanyeol I loved. Maybe he was right that at some point, we became distant. I thought it was both of us, but I didn’t know that I was the only one drifting away. I forgot the most important thing about Chanyeol.

“You know that I would do everything to get you to love me because I love you. I love Baekhyunnie. I’m willing to do anything for you, remember?” He gave out a weak smile.

Maybe I can’t guarantee that the feelings will be back immediately, but it’s not bad if I give him a try. Maybe I have given up, but Chanyeol, he’s not willing to give me up. Maybe things aren’t the same as before, but we’ll try our best to restore the love we had.