One look at Sungmin-hyung tells me that this isn’t just another bad day. He looked perturbed. His face was scrunched into what seemed to be a distorted portrait of a perfect man. His lips were trembling, signaling me his utmost attempt from breaking down. His eyes even looked misty as he definitely depicted the epitome of the happy prince robbed off his kingdom, jewels and laden heart.

 

“What’s the matter?” I asked him as I approached, sitting on the couch beside him and eyeing him warily.

 

But he just pouted somberly and sighed not looking at me.

 

“Yaah.” Being the impolite maknae that I am, I raised my voice at him; getting impatient at the lack of wordy response from a hyung who’s normally optimistic and cheerful every time. “Don’t ignore me Sungmin-hyung. What’s wrong with you?” I demanded.

 

I can see from the corner of my eyes how he huffed at me, shifting his position and looking at me fleetingly before looking down to stare on his hands. This made me sigh exasperatedly. He was upset over something, I knew it.

 

And an upset Sungmin hyung is bad news because normally he’d be the one to comfort anyone who’s feeling down. I’m sure I’d love to engage in a word war with the one who did this to him. His lack of optimism is getting into my nerves already.

 

But then when I was just about to burst the deafening silence that cocooned both of us, he spoke in a tiny voice that was almost inaudible to hear.

 

“Are we not effective as KyuMin together?” he sounded very sad, almost.

 

My brows met.

 

“Huh?” I asked him quizzically. “What the hell are you talking about?” I couldn’t help but ask using a voice that is pitch higher than the normal I’m using.

 

I looked at him, waiting and demanding for an explanation that will clarify his question, but all I got from him was silence. A deafening silence that exudes an awkward atmosphere. He was fidgeting on his seat, looking uncomfortable and somber. And it was really odd.  I wanted to ask him to share—because I’m willing to listen, but I don’t want to intrude on his privacy. That would make my reputation even worse as it is.

 

So, instead of purging him answers for my questions, I let my presence accompany his silence. In this time when Sungmin hyung needs a friend, I’m willing to be one—even if it means not opening my witty mouth.

 

“They closed a Kyumin fancafe for our hoobaes.” Sungmin hyung said after awhile. “It wasn’t that I’m blaming them but—really Kyu? Are we really not worthy anymore?” he asked me, biting his lower lip and fighting his urge to cry.

 

It surprised me, until now, how Sungmin hyung can be sensitive in things like this. I watched him as he brought his arms on his face to wipe his eyes. In my disposition, I would have laughed at his childishness—but seeing him cry, getting so affected by this taking down of a site dedicated to us…pinched an emotion in me.

 

But a proud person that I am, I still acted nonchalant.

 

“We have other fansites. It’s not our loss.” I muttered under my breath.

 

“It still is!” he argued suddenly, “It’s Kyumin, Kyu. It’s about the two of us!” Though our relationship was pure platonic, Sungmin hyung had considered our shipping tandem as something as important as his pink bunny slippers.

 

“It is about us, but it’s also about them.” I told him calmly, calmly as I could. “You cannot blame them just because they’re starting to like our hoobaes. We’ve been through a lot hyung. It’s not worth crying.” I told him and I saw how his eyes crinkled, blinking his tears.

 

“Was it because we’re old? Because we’re old news, people can just abandon us like that?” he still challenged, and I looked at him in defiance, as if I was not affected of the abandonment as well.

 

“We are old…” I uttered in agreement, looking anywhere but him. “And that’s exactly why we shouldn’t let it affect us so much. We’ve been through a lot hyung!” I explained. “What if ELFs saw you in this state, looking as if you’ve lost your whole family. They will also feel hurt, hyung. They will feel guilty. They will blame themselves. Do you get the whole point of this?”

 

His eyes were already red from crying and it made me sigh. I didn’t know that he was so serious with this.

 

“And you don’t care about how I, as a part of the shipping that has been taken down feels? You care about the fans but you don’t care about your brother? Really now, Kyu? Are we really arguing about this? I expected you to comfort me, not the other way around! I’m so disappointed.” He shook his head rigorously, with a look of disbelief in his eyes; then he suddenly stood up to my surprise. He gritted his teeth as he stomped his way on our room and slammed the door hard.

 

And once again, silence greeted me.

 

I sighed furtively, replaying the earlier scenes in my mind, trying to grasp why he wouldn’t understand—that their pain is twice his pain…and that seeing him sad, bring sadness in them too.

 

When I’d been new to Super Junior, my anti-fans outnumbered my fans. I’ve been under the circumstances wherein the members hated me. It wasn’t very easy. I have to deal with the pressure, with the awkwardness, with the negative comments that I kept receiving.

 

It took me long enough to gain the favor of “only twelve”, casting me out as always, waving individual banners of each members except mine, cheering their names when their parts came except mine, and giving fan gifts without including me as well. It was so tough that I had to endure the hate, the loath, the insults while still smiling at the camera and pretending to be happy.

 

And so when time had given me the opportunity, I strived hard, I tried to surpass the standards I’ve set for myself—I exhaust my ability to the fullest I can show. It was hard—all the tears, blood and sweat I’ve invested just to be where I am now.

 

But it seems to be quite working, as slowly, after seeing my dedication and hardwork, the members started to accept me as a real member of Super Junior—for they’ve always been polite despite their dislike on me, which I’m very thankful of. The fans started also to show appreciation as I got few cheers every performance now and then. I saw my banner being waved wildly by some crazed fan, and finally I started to see “13ELIEVE” in banners, finally not alienating me from the group.

 

I owe the fans many things—starting from accepting me as the last and thirteenth member of Super Junior, for offering me a bed during the times when I was still Bedless Kyu, for offering their prayers after my accident, for supporting me even in solo escapades—the Immortal Song, my CFs, my musicals—how am I supposed to not consider the feelings of these people who kept believing in me, who kept on supporting me despite my imperfections as an artist and as celebrity persona?

 

I’m not saying that Sungmin hyung is selfish. Hyung had always been so close to the fans, even learning Japanese and other languages just to have a better communication with them. It just that—he’s a human who also feel hurt. And most of the time, anger is just a defense mechanism to the vulnerability that he’s feeling right now. He’d always cared for the fans no less than we care. And seeing him being so affected like that, it must have really hurt him bad. And I couldn’t really blame him.

 

It brings me back to the moment when Super Junior is still complete. And during the Don’t Don days, the appearance of Henry in our Don’t Don MV created a ruckus. He received a great amount of loath and hate. 13 believers had even petitioned and rallied so that Henry wouldn’t be added to the group.

 

When SJ-M was created, the hate was even more reflected through the loud boos during Henry’s part in our live performances. Even with Zhou Mi hyung. They were partly degraded because they’re Chinese during our performances in Korea. They were hated because fans wanted only 13.  

 

I was tempted to tell other people, “So what?” But I love them though it hurts. And given that I should behave like an idol, I controlled my sharp tongue.

 

Oh.

 

Suddenly thinking of SJ-M made me want to recoil. I remember the days when we have to go to China to promote. And during those times, when I miss Korea, there’s always this one person who always talk to me about it. No matter how tired we are for guesting on different shows and promotions, he never once complained.

 

He was the hyung who’d always been there to help me during SJ-M’s activities in China. He was the leader who took care of us well. He was the guy whom Heechul hyung can’t live without, the guy who cooks Beijing fried rice better than anyone, the guy who probably among the members will understand Sungmin hyung and my sentiments better than anyone at the moment.

 

To be honest—I actually missed him right now.

 

And sometimes, I still couldn’t get over the fact that he'd leave.

 

But he had left.

 

Us.

 

Super Junior.

 

It hurts.

 

It still does you know.

 

After all the hate he had faced, the failures and accomplishments we’ve both shared—thinking about how sudden, how unprepared I am..we all were..for his leave.

 

Tears flowed in silence.

 

Even after two years. 

 

 

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I'm sorry, I don't want to cry. /wrist. So much for watching their A Walk to Remember. Thank you sjworld for letting me download it. -Updated August 8, 2012.