Like sealing an envelope, like drinking medicine, like treating a wound, you thought of me like the rest. You treated me like the rest, as if I’m not worthy of your presence, as if I’m not worthy of your concern, and that I should just disappear from your sight. It bothered me, that you didn’t acknowledge my presence. It was as if I never existed, because you just strode past me as if I wasn’t even there. I never understood you. I started to wonder if you disliked me, or maybe even hated me.

Was it because I didn’t dress like the others? Was it because I wasn’t as wealthy as you? Or was it just because of the way I look? I couldn’t understand why you would look at me with those eyes that would pierce into my heart and shatter it into a thousand pieces. It bothered me that I never understood why you acted like that, and what I have ever did wrong. Yet, I still didn’t understand why I was falling for you each and every day.

It all started when you transfered into my classroom. You were flawless. Perfect. Everything I would fall for. I was foolish to think that you would even look at me, but your smile lighted up my day as I watched you in awe. In that moment, I knew I fell for you. I was in love.  

My heart was beating fast as I looked at you, smiling and laughing with your friends. I knew I was a fool to think that I would ever have a chance with you. All the girls would always swoon over your bright smile and your warm eyes. You were kind to everyone, and never pointed out the flaws in anything. That’s why I thought I had a chance with you. Maybe, just maybe.

“You disgust me.”

My heart was hurting too much. The words that came out of your mouth hurt me. It hurt me so much that I felt as if those words would hurt me forever and eat me alive. I never really cared if anyone else would humiliate me, but coming from you, it was just so unbearable. The whole time I was thinking, why, why me? Those certain words and looks that you gave me kept me up every night as I cried my heart out, thinking about you and I wondered why I am such a coward to love you even more.

I stayed home for almost two weeks when I finally decided to start school again. It was almost the end of the school year, so I returned, thinking about how you would react to me.

I could still remember that day when you casually walked into the classroom and your smile faded as you looked at me. I shuffled my face into my book, avoiding your gaze. I knew this would happen, I thought.

It was that moment when I said to myself that I would stop loving you. I would stop everything, just for my pain to disappear, but I couldn’t help it when you would come in and out of my life as you stared at me. I couldn’t help but to look back and gaze into your deep, brown eyes. What made you so special? Why do I always feel like this?

As you stared at me, you stood up but you didn’t look away. You have never looked at me for more than five seconds, and you have never bothered to ask me for my name. That’s why I was so surprised when you came and asked me,

“Yeseul, where were you?”

I wasn’t looking at you the same way as before. I loved you, but I knew I would never have a chance with you. Right then, I wondered, would I? Would I ever have a chance with you? Will you ever make me smile like I have never before? Or, would I ever make you smile?

After that day, I tried. I really tried to talk to you but it was either you or my confidence that was slipping away from my grasp. I was disappointed in myself for being this cowardly and not being able to stand up to you. I couldn’t hide my feelings, either. Whenever I see you walking into the classroom, I can immediately tell you apart from the other boys and I can’t help but to stare at you until you look at me. Then, I would always lower my head and blush in embarrassment.

You never talked to me after that certain day. Then soon came our graduation, and I was out of high school. Months came after that, and I never knew what you were doing. I wanted to find you. I hated myself for never having the guts to talk to you before school ended, and to tell you how much I loved you. I hated myself. But what I hated the most was that every single day, my heart would break from thinking of you. The pain was killing me.

I was an outcast from the world. I never socialized with anyone outside of my apartment, except talking with my parents over the phone. They would ask me, how are you doing? I would always reply, I’m doing fine.  But really, I’m not.

It was then when I decided to find you. I called everyone I knew from school and I spent all day just trying to find out where you are.

“Whitewood Apartments, 12E. Why?”

After what it seemed to me a thousand no’s and I don’t know’s, I finally got something from your friend. I hung up and ran to the city bus with some allowance money from my parents. I got off the bus and looked for your your room on the 12th floor. I was panting by the time I reached your room. I wasn’t sure of what I should do. Should I knock on the door? Or should I ring the doorbell? I lightly knocked on your door three times. Then I realized, what am I going to do when he opens the door? What if he shuts the door on me? What if-

The door opened and I saw your face.

You haven’t changed a bit. You were the same person I fell in love with. You scrunched your eyebrows together and tilted your head to the side. In your gentle, soothing voice you asked me,

“Yeseul? Is that you?” At that point I really had no clue on what I was going to do.

“B-Baekhyun...” I stuttered and looked to the floor. I couldn’t meet your eyes. I didn’t know how you were going to react. I started to run away when you grabbed my arm and pulled me around. I looked at you in confusion and surprise. “Why are you running away? You came to me first you know.” You asked me with a soft tone that didn’t seem mocking at all.

“I don’t know...” I really didn’t know. I just wanted to see your face. “Come inside first.” And with that, you pulled me inside your apartment. We both sat down on your couch, and the whole time we talked about what we have been doing after high school. He finally opened up to me, I thought. What I didn’t expect was that he apologized. He apologized for ignoring me. I sat there in bewilderness as you looked at me, once again, with those soft eyes. And what I really didn’t expect was that you said those three words that I’d never think you would say.

“I like you.”

I don’t remember much about what happened after that. All I remember was that I was crying. Crying like a little girl. I honestly didn’t care about anything that was happening, I was happy. No, ecstatic. Ecstatic that the one I love has finally opened up to me and I was able to hear the three words that I dreamed of come out of your mouth. I didn’t know how to reply or to even look at you because I was so nervous. Nervous that you were joking.

And at that moment, I couldn’t help but to feel scared. Scared of you.

Months passed and we were finally together.

We always went on couple dates and I pushed away my thoughts of being scared of you. I don’t know why I did. Maybe I was too blinded by love or it was that I was scared to even deny your confession. Emotionally, you would hurt me. You seemed to grow distant from me as weeks passed. You sometimes wouldn’t even answer my calls.

I don’t know when or how it started, but my feelings started to rush back into me.

You would always take me clubbing. I denied and denied, but you would make me anyways. It’s going to be fun, you said. I trusted you and went. The whole time, you would always dance with the girls on the dance floor as I sat at the couches, just watching you. After a week of clubbing, I couldn’t take it. I left the club and rode the bus back home to my apartment. I crept up to my bed and bawled my eyes out. I couldn’t stand you being like this. I started to wonder if you even loved me anymore.

Right then, I heard the door unlock. I froze and stared at the wall, eyes wide-open. I tried not to make a sound but then the door to my room flew open and you came rushing in. How did you come in? I wondered, but then I realized you knew my password for the lock. You looked at me and pulled me up. You embraced me in your arms, but I pulled away. You wouldn’t let me go. I said to you, let me go. All I got as a reply was a warm liquid that dropped on my left shoulder. I heard a sniffle, and I tried to hold back the tears that were starting to form in my eyes. All of a sudden, you asked me if I loved you. Right then, I started to wonder, do I? Do I love you? You hurt me so many times and I couldn’t bear the pain anymore. I loved you, but you hurt me so much.

So honestly, I didn’t think you were worth it anymore.

I said no.

More tears started to drop on my shoulder. My eyes couldn’t take it so I let out the tears that I have been holding in for so long.

“Yeseul, you’re lying. You love me, right? Lie to me, baby.”

Lie to you. After all the times we have been together, I finally realized, I don’t love you anymore. I don’t know when, but our relationship was all a lie. You were the one that taught me real pain. You were the one that made me realize that love isn’t always perfect. Love is like a bar of soap. Once you think you can grasp it, it slowly starts to slip away. I didn’t know if I could love you anymore. I was just too scared.

“No Baekhyun, I can’t lie to you. No matter how many times I wish I did, I can’t. You hurt me so much that I don’t think I can take it anymore. My heart was just like a piece of paper; whenever you hurt me, my heart rips in half. It keeps ripping in half, and I’m left with only a small piece. I’m sorry that I only had this much of my love to give to you, but I don’t know if you really are worth it anymore. Every time I see you I feel like the most happiest girl in the world, but then you bring me down. I just don’t think I can take it. It’s for our own good,”

Your gaze quickly changed as you stared at me. I flinched. You grabbed me on the shoulders and started to say, “Then let me make you the happiest girl again. Let me be your doctor, so I can heal you whenever you are in pain. Even though you don’t have much to give me, I do. Let me love you. Let me be the one you love, Yeseul-ah. I can’t take it either. Don’t leave me, it hurts.”

“Love hurts, Baekhyun-ah.”

You left my apartment without a word. I cried and cried for hours, thinking of you. I kept telling myself, this is for our own good. But really, was it? I was alarmed when my phone started to ring from my purse. I fished my phone out of my purse and answered it in my shaky voice.

“Hello?”

“Hello, would you happen to know anyone named Byun Baekhyun?”

“Y-yes, why?” I couldn’t stop my voice from being shaky after I heard your name.

“Miss, this man has been involved in a car crash and we need you to come to the hospital right away. Would you happen to know how to get in contact with his parents?”

Time seemed to stop. My hands started to shake furiously. At this moment, I finally realized what I meant. Love hurts. Except this time, it’s going to last forever. It’s going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I tried to grasp my phone more tightly and I yelled into the phone as I asked for the name of the hospital. I grabbed my wallet and I ran out of my apartment building and tried to grab a taxi. I told the driver to got to the hospital as quickly as possible. I fumbled around with the hem or my shirt as I thought about you. Don’t die, Baekhyun. Don’t leave me.

I paid the driver with the last bit of my allowance and I ran inside the hospital, trying to find your room. Tears were running down my face like a waterfall. I didn’t care about what others would think of me at that moment; I just wanted to find you. At last, I found you in the emergency room. I tried to get in but the doctors held me back. Baekhyun, why won’t you let me see you? I thought. I screamed and yelled your name as the doctors held me back and told me to wait. I couldn’t wait, knowing that you were on the brink of death.

After what it seemed like forever, I saw you come out of the room. The doctors and nurses rolled you over as you laid there, lifeless. Your perfect features stood out as I examined your face. Your lips still seemed to be curved in a smile. How can you smile right now? I grabbed your hands, clinging on to them. I couldn’t let out a scream or a tear. I looked at you, and I was ashamed. Ashamed that I was such a coward to let you go.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

I kissed the lettering on your grave as I clutched the small note you left me on the kitchen counter that day. That day when everything seemed to slip away from my life, that day when I lost you.

Lie to me, you said. If I did, would everything change? Would it have been for the better? I felt as if everything was my fault. Everything happened because I couldn’t lie to you. If I did, our whole life would have been a lie. You are still left in the little heart that I have. I can’t forget about you, since you were the one who has taught me so much things. To love. To forget. To lie.

I look at the letter I had in my hand. I start to wonder, why couldn’t you tell me before? I shook my head and I was certain that everything was my fault. I have no right to blame you. Especially after what you have done to me. Happiness or pain, it didn’t matter.

I love you.

I traced the eight letters that were printed neatly on the paper with my finger. A tear left my eyes. I looked at the sky and said something that wasn’t a lie anymore.

“I love you, Byun Baekhyun.”

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Probably the worst oneshot ever D;