❛ passionburn19

passionburn19

reviewed by sweet_mintx

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title: 5/5

There’s nothing I can say about the title, since the story revolves around this reality show. Although I dislike the use of punctuation (like exclamation marks, question marks) in titles, the interrobang you included is oddly fitting to this type of RomCom story.

f/d: 7/10

Your description is nice and short, straight to the point, which is good. However, since descriptions are meant to grab the reader’s attention, I advise you to shorten your first sentence. Though it does state the main points of the story, it’s a tad long and tiresome to read. Also, do pay attention to your capitalization: “We Got Married” should be capitalized like so. As for your foreword, it is nice that you included a list of characters, but not a long description of each. This helps the reader recognize the characters as the story progresses without disclosing too much before the story even starts.

appearance: 4/5

There’s nothing much to say about the appearance of your story. Your paragraphs are very neat and evenly spaced, which is soothing to the eyes. I also really love your poster, it’s so pretty, and it matches your background. The only problem I do have is how you use a blue font for French. Since the links are also in blue, it can be quite confusing. Also, there is no need to designate a separate color for a different language; you can simply state that in your story. Moreover, you do not have to italicize the dialogue, since that can also confuse the reader. Italicizing in stories is usually saved for flashbacks or the thoughts of the characters. This is beside the point, but is there really a reason for REI’s name to be capitalized? Her name can’t possibly be REI before debut, though it is reasonable after debut. Keep consistent with your capitalization of her name. Also, I’m not sure where this goes, but try not to use too many Korean words in your story. The Romanization of certain words may be different to other people, so it may be hard for them to understand what you’re trying to say. There’s nothing wrong with writing in English.

plot: 10/15

Since your story is a relatively long you, you have to forgive me for not reading the entire story. What I did was that I skipped around, so I read a few chapters from every ten chapters to get a gist of what was really happening. Regarding your storyline, it’s quite mellow, not much suspense or cliffhangers (yes, those are needed in romance stories as well). The chapters are written in a way that it’s like a sitcom, almost. There’s a bigger idea behind all the chapters, but it’s not so prominent in the story. There were many questions raised in the first few chapters about the members of Royal, especially Rei, but they were never mentioned in the story, until you addressed them again the last couple of chapters. The members of Royal are scary people, and their actions should have been reported to the police, or had something done about it, but nothing happened. There are a couple of plot holes in your story, so you might want to fix that. The story really starts developing near the end of the story, and it’s like the first one hundred and fifty chapters were dedicated to them falling in love and cute side stories. That may be a good thing, but you have to be careful of the length of your story, so maybe try to shorten your future stories.

originality: 12/15

This story’s style fits in with what many fanfic writers/readers call RomCom, and many RomCom stories fall in the same pattern. However, every story has their own strong points and own weak points. This isn’t the first time I’ve read a story based off We Got Married, and definitely not the first time I’ve read a story with a really, really cool girl who seems to be able to do anything and a really chill guy who falls in love with the girl first. Originality is hard to come about when writing new stories, so I won’t grade you too hard on that.

grammar & spelling: 10/20

A few minor problems with your grammar, especially typos. Do re-check your writing before/after you post your new chapters and try to stay away from using abbreviations, like “coz” instead of “‘cause” or “because.” Also, pay attention to your subject and verb agreement.

For example:

“…rumors about REI, her charisma and coolness will make you star struck, is really true.”

“…rumors about REI—about her charisma and coolness making you star struck—are really true.

Although your writing is quite clear, your sentences are very convoluted and hard to understand. Try to say your sentences out loud and see if they make sense or are easy to understand. This is an edit of one of your sentences:

“Even though she’s not wearing any make-up and just wearing her bathrobe earlier, she really looked like a royalty and can’t just simply talk to her nor touch her coz she gives those unexplainable vibes that make you wonder if you’re worth touching her or just getting near her. Not to mention her y figure. But her height is lacking a little bit.”

“Even though she was not wearing any make-up and was just wearing her bathrobe earlier, she really looked like royalty, and you feel that you can’t just simply talk to her or touch her, because she gives off those unexplainable vibes that make you wonder if you’re worthy to touch her or just to be near her. Not to mention, she has a y figure, though her height is lacking a bit.”

First of all, this is a run-on sentence. And unless you’re writing crack or if it fits in with the story’s writing style, run-ons are a no-no. Second of all, you miss many verbs when you are writing. Try to re-read your sentences to make sure they make sense. Also, please include commas and correct punctuation when they are needed. The most important part would be your verb tense agreement. For example, you begin the sentence in present tense, but end. Keep your tenses consistent. The next parts is more leaning towards style than anything else, but try not to write sentences of varying length right next to each other. Although, diversity in sentence structures is a good thing, keeping your writing style consistent is also very important. Please keep that in mind.

flow: 8/10

Since your story progresses really slowly, there’s not much to say about your flow. You don’t rush things, which is good. There’s a definite guy meets girl, guy falls in love with girl, girl falls in love with guy, conflict, resolution to your story, and that’s also a good thing. Perhaps the first few chapters were a bit confusing, since you threw a lot of information at the readers. Maybe drag it out throughout the chapters a little? The readers don’t have to know everything about Rei in the first two chapters of the story, they can learn more about her as the story unfolds.

characterization: 6/10

As soon as I began this story, I could tell that REI was going to be one of those perfect, Mary-Sue characters that have everything a girl could want. She’s pretty, y, talented, and loved by everyone. She even seems to be the most popular member of her group, to a startling extent that seems almost exaggerated. Not to mention, she is fluent in eight languages. How many girls in real life do you know that have the same qualities as her? Although fictional stories are free for imagination, it is advised that you stay within realistic boundaries for stories that are based off real life situations. Tao’s character is more believable, being a really nice, sort of shy and innocent person, but be sure to not exaggerate his character as well. As for the other characters, not much is really shown about them, and it just gives everyone a stranger-on-the-street-feel, not that that’s a bad thing.

overall enjoyment: 5/10

I’m not big on RomCom stories or long stories, but your storyline was pretty interesting, especially towards the end.

total: 68/100

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