Sehun

We were once students, together. We studied together, we labored together, and we experienced the most difficult of all classes, of the master science type, together.

And, along the way, I had fallen madly in love with him.

“If only he wasn’t working in another country.” I mumbled, oblivious to the confusion I was causing my colleague. “I could see him more and I would be able to tell him, eventually. China- why is it so far away?”

“Okay. Now, I know you’re not talking about the experiment. Sehun, you need to be calm or you’re going to wreck the laboratory. In keeping this place an unorganized mess, you seem to forget that there are things everywhere! These things will explode if you elbow them into shattering on the ground. Would you like your authority position revoked? I certainly wouldn’t. The rest of the leaders scare me.”

I turned around to face a panicking boy, dressed in a white lab coat. He desperately clung to a bottle of neon liquid that I had probably knocked over in my foolishness. “Sorry, Suho, I thought you were taking care of the experiment. You know me; sometimes I zone out.”

“Just because I’m older than you, that does not mean I know what I’m doing. I should be listening to you, oh Scientific Prodigy, for instructions. You were the best of the best, after all.” What a little -up, he is, acting as if I were the only prodigious one. “Were you thinking of him, again?” His eyes became earnest as he approached to pat my shoulder, comfortingly. “You two were too close to ever abandon each other, forever. He’ll come back, sprinting back, and you’ll welcome him with open arms. And then you’ll kiss, make out, have hard core , whatever you kids do nowadays.”

I let out a sigh, “You’re only a couple of years older than him. I feel like you keep trying to remind me that you’re older than me, despite that my knowledge completely excels yours. It’s okay. You’re bound to be more knowledgeable at something; no, wait, you are more knowledgeable at one thing. You know, you’re much better at socializing. I don’t real understand human feelings because, for most of my life, I never exhibited any symptoms of emotion. Then, suddenly, there was this pang in my heart when I would hear his name. And, when he told me the news, that he was leaving, the ache in my chest had been unbearable.”
“How was I supposed to suddenly bear the burden of emotion, when I hadn’t for so long? I’m absolutely awful at expressing my feelings, thus far.”

“I think,” Suho started, “This requires a new experiment of sorts. I need to help you out in your situation. If he doesn’t know how you feel, aren’t you going to regret doing nothing?”

“But, what can I do?”

“What’s romantic is writing a letter, and that’s exactly what you’re going to do. You’re smart, so you’re probably good at writing. Take the rest of the day off and do this thing; I can take care of things around here. I’ll even ask Kai to help me out, just for you. You know how much I can’t stand him.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Do you think this is a good idea?”

He nodded in approval, pushing me out the door and stealing my lab coat away from my shoulders, “Make it as romantic as you can. Even if you don’t know how to be romantic, just try to explain your feelings for him. Explain in a way you can.”

Walking home from the laboratory, my mind was clouded with confused thoughts. I continued contemplating the meaning of Romance. In the books I had read, Romance made girls giggle and smile, but it was normally cheesy and cliché. Would Luhan like such a thing?

I decided to do some research, as any scientist would do.

Curiously, I approached a girl sitting on a bench. Dressed up in bows and a pink dress, she looked like the perfect first target. “Excuse me?” I took the seat next to her and tapper her shoulder, “Could I ask you a question?” She nodded nervously, clutching the edge of her skirt in shyness, “Do you know what romance is?”

Her eyes widened, “That’s your question? Thank goodness. I thought you were going to hit on me.” She relaxed back into the seat, “Well, stranger, I think romance is expressing your heart. No matter how embarrassing it is, you should say whatever’s in your heart. But, saying it is sometimes not enough. My boyfriend buys me flowers or balloons sometimes. On special days, he even gets me chocolates. He’ s a bit quiet when it comes to words, so he makes up for it by showing me what’s in his heart, through these things.”

“But, don’t you think those things are cliché?”

“Surprisingly, I don’t. Even though many boys give girls flowers or balloons or chocolates, it always feels special to me. Even though others have done the same thing, we’re two different people from others, so, somehow, it doesn’t feel cliché. Besides, I like when he acts cheesy because otherwise, his personality is very serious.” She pointed behind me, “There he is, now.”

I turned and eyed where she was signaling. The boy approaching had eyes only for the girl sitting next to me. He smiled at her from far away, but when he noticed her whisper to me, “Isn’t he something?” he glared my way.

Hurriedly, he proceeded forwards and grabbed his girlfriend off the bench, protectively. I waved my hands in front of me, denying his silent accusations, “Don’t worry; I’m gay.”

She pulled away from her boyfriend and jumped on me, forcing an embrace, “You’re so cute! I’m so glad I helped you out in your troubles. I hope you’re boy finds out how much you love him. Good luck!”

The boy pulled her off me, muttering at her, “Let’s go HyeSun.” He threw an apologetic glance my way and I nodded in forgiveness as they walked away, hand in hand. I sighed, then. Somehow, she had made me feel better about my situation, but I still didn’t know where to start with this letter. However, to go around researching all day would be painful, particularly if every subject were like the first. Thus, I cut my data-gathering short and headed to my apartment.

A half an hour later, I was seated at my desk with a pen in hand. To my right and left, I had scattered pictures of him, to remind me of my purpose. Also haphazardly strewn about were crumpled of pieces of papers, deemed failure after merely writing a couple of words.

“Why can’t I do this?” My feelings were ripping at my seams, yet it seemed no amount of words could explain them. Any expression would not fully encompass all of what I needed to say.

It was impossible.

Floundering in my shame, I took to my photo album, sitting in my bookshelf. There were more pictures of him, in there. When he had left, he’d gifted it to me as a present: a type of never-forget-me memento. Beneath the indigo cover, I came across my favorite picture. One could easily tell from the folded corners how many times I’d taken it out to marvel at our friendship– before I cried in want of more. His left cheek touched my right and we smiled at the camera. It had been taken on the day of our graduation, after years of grueling work and an amazing friendship.

It had been taken before he told me that he was leaving; five months prior to his news, actually. At that time, I had not a hint of worry in me. I’d assumed we’d be together forever. I’d been naïve to think that we’d never part ways.

Before he told me that he was leaving, I was preparing myself to tell him my feelings. It would have been risky, but I felt that it couldn’t wait. Yet, when he had told me of his job offer in China, I could only suppress my emotions. I had wanted him to stay. I had wanted him to be with me. Yet, the job offer had been too good to let go, and I could not have selfish. So, I in my feelings and let my heart grow dusty in lack of love, and away he went.

Sure, he would call sometimes, but it wasn’t the same. Emailing, calling and rare visits were never enough. I needed him, wholly, with me.

I would quit my job and go overseas to be with him. I would give up my life and trek wherever, just to see him. The attraction I feel to him is too strong, even after years of neglecting my heart.

I finally had what I needed to write about.

Setting the picture in the ocean of the rest, swimming at the top, I grabbed the pen again and anxiously began to write.

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Dearest Luhan,

It’s been a long time since we’ve spoken, hasn’t it? It’s not easy putting my words on paper when what I want to say can hardly be spoken, but rather shown. I’ve not shown you certain things that I should have, and thus I’m living in regret.

Here’s the thing: I love you.

For a while, actually, I’ve loved you: Five years, six, seven years, maybe? Does it matter? The truth is, though, that I’ve only had eyes for you since long ago, and I need you.

I need you like a human needs air.

I need you like a plant needs to photosynthesize.

I need you like Flourine needs an electron.

I need you like the Earth needs a gravitational pull.

Luhan, I think about you too much. Ask anyone at my work, I’m so distracted. Day and night, you appear in my thoughts and I cry when I come to the realization that I’m not with you.

I haven’t been with you for a long time; I haven’t been happy for a long time, either. I’ve only been content, knowing that I let you chase your dream, studying science in a prestigious laboratory in China. Selfless as I was, I cried for months after letting you go.

Can I be selfish, just this once? I want you with me. I want you here, in my arms, smiling. I want to reflect your smiles in my own. It’s so hard to do that when I can’t see you.

I am willing to leave my life here, you know?

Reading through this letter, I sound like a desperate girl. In some aspects, I am a desperate girl. As I’ve realized, I could follow you anywhere. The source of my happiness is not my scientific findings in this laboratory. No matter how many revelations we make, I don’t act the way I used to, with you. Rather, the source of my happiness is being with you. I have this strange attachment to you that, even over the years, I haven’t been able to shake.

So, here I am, proclaiming all my feelings for you in a letter. If you were here or I, there, things would be different. Where this letter ends, I would kiss you, senseless. I would stare into your eyes and I would embrace you like I should have, long ago.

Yet, here I am, in South Korea. You are there, in China. There is no easy way to kiss you senseless from here.

I hope you understand my feelings, Luhan.

Please, write back to me.

Love, Sehun

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It had been weeks since that day. My patience was wearing thin. The only thing I could do, though, was continue on with work. Each day, Suho would eye me with this expectant look and, in response, I’d shrug and sigh, filled with uncertainty of my future.

I’d even told the land lord to call me if any sort of mail would show up at the door, so that I could leave work.

So far, there was nothing.

I pounded my pencil into my clipboard, angrily. Our research wasn’t adding up. The chemicals that should have gone perfectly together were exploding and wrecking havoc. “This shouldn’t be happening. What did we do wrong, this time?”

Suho came up behind me, followed by a confused Kai, whose eyebrows were furled as he thought. “This kid thinks that we added the numbers wrong. However, I believe our hypothesis was screwy from the beginning. We expected too much. I’m going to ask the interns if they made any mistakes before we go further into this problem. I feel like we should close up shop, though, for a couple of hours. Go out and get some fresh air, Sehun; it looks like you could use it.”

Always looking out for me, I was happy that I had Suho as one of my lab assistants. One could rarely find one as caring as him. Tiredly, I nodded my head and, yet again, I was pushed out of my own work space.

I shuffled my way to the coffee shop on the corner near the library, ordering a rich cappuccino and a blueberry muffin. Sitting in the shop at an untimely hour for coffee, it was me and the workers, and that was it.

“Well, this couldn’t get more awkward.” I huffed before biting into my food. As if on cue, my ringtone blared throughout the entire room. It wasn’t a normal ringtone, either, but, rather, Mozart’s Violin Concerto. I covered my face with my hands as I turned crimson in embarrassment. Quietly, I answered the call, “Hello?”

“You got mail, Sehun.” The sweet voice on the other end answered. Swiftly, I was out of my seat and running out of the door, loudly bidding farewell to the owner in the back.

Time slowed for me. Everything happening around me seemed to halt for me as I raced down the street.

This had happened before. The first time my landlord had called me for my mail, I’d nearly flown to my apartment. Each time since, though, I’d been just as optimistic. This is it. This is it. The thoughts in my head would whisper to me.

This time, though, the thoughts were not whispering. Instead, they were screaming.

I reached my apartment in ten minutes. For a minute, I stood there, hands on knees, panting and attempting to regain my breath.

Hesitantly, I scaled the steps to my apartment building, where the landlord was waiting. “I put it on your table, Sehun. Go, now.”

I climbed even more steps to get to my apartment and nearly ripped down the door when I couldn’t get my key to work with such nervous hands. As the door slammed open, I leapt to the table where a stack of mail awaited me. I through the labels, hopefully.

To say that my thoughts were zipping around throughout my mind would be false. To say that my heartbeat wasn’t quickly increasing would also be a fallacy.

And, to say that my heartbeat didn’t stop when I found nothing would also be wrong. All thoughts froze and the drumming in my chest halted. My breathing hitched, entirely, followed by a waterfall of tears. “I thought today would be the day.” I choked out amidst the cascading salty droplets. “But, I guess I was horribly wrong.”

“It hurts. Is this what love does?” My false hope strangled me into quick chokes and my heart screamed out in pain. I ran for the fridge, wailing like a baby, and threw my hands in the freezer to take out what Suho had called, “God’s medicine: Ice cream.”

Swimming in self pity- as usual- I began to watch the news. There was always something more pitiful than my life on the news. Perhaps a car accident or a deadly shooting would make him feel better, then he could temporarily forget his aching.

My phone rang on the coffee table, but it was too far in front of me to reach without moving. Deciding between answering the phone and staying put on my lazy behind, I chose the latter. Besides, Suho was most likely the one who was calling, thus I could ignore it; he would end up nagging me to come back to work, saying that Kai or someone else was bothering him to no end. “Rescue me, Sehun, rescue me!” Hah: no.

Over the next ten minutes, the phone rang repeatedly- around seven times- yet not once did I bother to check it. The eighth time, it was starting to get annoying. The constant ringing was taking out of my comfort time of television and ice cream- surprisingly more comforting than one would think. I decided that the next time the the phone rang, I’d answer just to get Suho off my back.

But it wasn’t Suho. Checking the caller id, I discovered that the caller was unknown. I hesitantly answered the phone, muting the television in the process.

“Hello?” I barely whispered into the device

“Took you long enough.” A familiar voice spoke in slow Korean, “I’ve been calling you for ten minutes and you don’t bother to pick up. How’s that supposed to make me feel if you just ignore me? Did I catch you at a bad time or something?” Catching me at a bad time would be an understatement, but I was glad to hear his voice. I knew it was him as soon as he uttered a single word. Instantly, my tears evaporated. Instantly, I sat up straight on the couch. Instantly, a soft smile returned to my face. I sniffled, the last of my tears, disappearing. “Sehun, are you crying?”

“I thought you abandoned me. I thought you forgot me. I thought you found some friends in China who you liked better. Why are you only calling me, now?”

“Ah, well, you know how it is. You get distracted by things that aren’t important. You forget what you treasure. Then, suddenly, one day you’re practically hit head on by the things that count. It hurts when you realize what you’ve been missing, Sehun, it hurts and you want to do whatever you can to fix it.” I heard him laugh loudly and he started singing, “And you know what, Sehun, I love you more than anything.”

“Screw that,” He continued, “I need you like the Earth needs a solution for global warming. I depend on you more than plants depend on the sun. I need you in my life.”

I started crying, yet again. These, however, were tears of sudden joy. As if by magic, Luhan had called and reassured me that my efforts had not been wasted. I’d gone from pathetic loneliness to extreme love-sickness in a matter of moments.

“Sehun, are you still there?” I nodded, swallowing my tears before realizing that no human being could hear me shake my head, yes, on the phone.

“Yes, I’m here. What is it?”

“Uh, where do you live? I thought I knew but I went to the door and knocked and some cranky old lady walked out and told me to leave and she called me some names.” He must have heard the gasp that escaped my lips, because he chuckled, “Oh yeah, surprise, I’m here in Seoul. I thought you’d like to hang out.”

I nodded again before face palming, “I’d love that.” I finally managed to whisper, “Where are you, Luhan?”

“The place I told you. Some old lady shooed me away, though, so I’m sitting on a bench. It’s the address your coworker, Suho, gave me.” I smiled at that; Suho, that sneaky old oaf, finally helping out with something. “Maybe he led me to the wrong place or something, thinking it would be funny.” I ran to the window, hoping my growing suspicion was correct. Sure enough, there sat Luhan, the boy with windswept golden hair, muttering complaints into his cellphone.

“I see you, Luhan.” I murmured into the phone, causing him to look up. Immediately, I ducked down and hid from the boy, hoping to spook him, “But you can’t see me. Not yet.” Hastily, I crawled across my wood floor so he wouldn’t see me in the window, and I hurried to the door. It was more than difficult to manage opening and closing the door when I left, and it was near impossible to try and lock the door.

One of my neighbors was passing by and saw me crouched down on the floor. He gave me some look of judgment and I immediately stood up, realizing only then that Luhan was no longer able to see me through the window.  Slowly, I inched down the stairs towards the front door, peeking through the edge of the see through door to catch a glimpse of the boy’s expression; it was entirely confused. “I’m getting closer, Luhan. You’d better watch out.”

Although he didn’t see me, Luhan’s expression grew into a smirk. He brought the phone up to his lips and demanded of me, “Yah, I quit my job for you; you’d better get out here or I’ll change my mind.”

I burst through the door at his order and nearly flew into his arms, I sprinted so quickly. I grinned ear to ear and his expression was the same. “You really quit your job for me?  I said that I would do that, so that you wouldn’t have to.”

The grip he had around my waist tightened, “I hated my job. I had been looking for an excuse to quit, anyways. I was working with a bunch of buffoons when I could have been by your side. Which sounds better, huh?” I pushed my body closer to him and embraced him tighter, whispering words of thanks in his ear, but he seemingly had nothing of it, “Sehun, you thought I abandoned you. I was a terrible person for leaving you in the dark for so long. How dare you forgive me so easily?”

“You didn’t abandon me, though. You just momentarily forgot me. It can happen.”

“One can’t just momentarily forget the one person who makes life better. When I found out that you thought I forgot you, do you know how much my heart hurt? Do you know how much I cried? Do you know how easy it was to book a flight back here and never look back? It was easier than breathing.”

All I could imagine was sweet, confident Luhan tearing up. That was all on which my mind could focus. “You cried reading my confession?” I hid my face with my hands, “I don’t know what I was t—“

I was quieted with a kiss. “I want to take you up on your offer. You said you would kiss me senseless, but you’re just standing here, blubbering like a baby. Where’s the man who I fell in love with all those years ago? Where’s the Sehun I adore so much?”

“Right here.” I wiped my eyes, “I’m here, Luhan.” I nervously pecked his lips, the soft surface, “I’ll always be here.” I kissed those lips, again and again and again, relentlessly accounting for so many years, lost.