FALSE PARADISE

Right now, I’m sick to my stomach. He’s not him. And he’ll never be.

xXxXx

“Oh… ohayo Shida-san.” 

“Ah… Ohayo…”

With a smile, he walked next to her. “You look tired today.”

She wanted to roll her eyes, ask him to leave, but no… she must not. “Um… do I? I feel fine.”

“Yokatta…” he uttered before saying, “AH!” while raising a hand as if an idea just came inside his head. “Would you like to eat lunch with me this afternoon?”

Shida squinted then frowned, “gomen Yamada-san… but I need to finish reading my book.” Without even waiting for a reply, she walked faster.

“Ah… okay then. Some other time, ne?” he spoke a little louder while he stopped on his tracks. Yamada must’ve read the atmosphere a little so he didn’t follow her. He watched her back for a while before sighing to himself and soon enough, he decided to walk again.

“Oh… Morning Yama-chan~!” A cheerful tone broke his kind of sudden sullen mood.

When he turned to see who it was, “Ah, Chinen!”

“Something wrong? It’s a nice morning, why look so glum?”

“Ah… betsuni.” Absent-mindedly Yamada looked at his watch, “Oh, we’ll be late!”

At that, the two picked up the pace.

xXxXx

I miss you. I just wish you’re here.

xXxXx

Lunchtime, and as stated, Shida was finishing some novel, her lunch half-finished. Her earphones were plugged in and perhaps as respect, nobody bothered her; not even her friends.

“Maybe you should just stop, Yama-chan.” Chinen sounded serious. This guy knows well when and how to act accordingly. There were on the far corner of the room.

“I can’t just do that…” Yamada sighed, not taking his eyes away from Shida.

Chinen let out a louder sigh and moved to stand in front of his friend. “Listen. She just lost Yuto. You can’t expect her to welcome anybody else in her life just like poof.” After saying this, Chinen shook his head, “I hate to be so frank, but that’s the situation here Yama-chan.”

Yamada stared at Chinen’s eyes for a moment before retreating. He’s right. The situation is as bad as it ever is going to get. Just last year, Nakajima Yuto –Shida’s rumored boyfriend- left for America; the reason? Not migration, not just for a long vacation, not even studies… Yuto has to move because he needs an operation. It was because of an accident. Nobody knows what happened to him after that. Some say he’s recovering, some say he didn’t make it. Either way, Shida kept quiet.

“Normally I’d support you in everything, but on Shida-chan. I suggest you leave her alone for now…”

Yamada looked defeated, but something in his eyes say that he’s not giving up. “How long do you think I should wait?” his question sounded more like a plea.

Perhaps a little tired of trying to understand his friend, Chine scratched the back of his head, “Honestly, I don’t know…” Chinen rested a hand on Yamada’s shoulder, “You can’t be in a hurry Yama-chan…”

‘But… what if I have to be?’ His mind asked.

xXxXx

It was a few minutes after the final bell rang, and Shida was preparing to leave. Yamada, much to Chinen’s warning, approached her and asked if they could walk home together.

“Ah… I have to buy some groceries on the way home, so sorry…” she was trying to be polite.

“Perfect! I’ll go with you. I was planning on getting some stuff too.” He smiled, genuine enough. It’s hard to turn down such an honest smile, but Shida can’t help but hate it. Seeing Yamada, it reminds her of something else.

“Gomen…” she tried but he was pretty persistent this time.

“Onegai?” That look on his face was something Shida thought she hasn’t seen before. He’s serious, determined. With bits of hesitation, she agreed and Yamada can’t help but smile; his eyes glimmering like the water being hit by the sun.

xXxXx

Inside the grocery store, Yamada insisted on helping Shida get the stuff that she needs. Half-heartedly, she lets him. After a while, they were lining up a counter for payment, and they heard somebody call Yamada.

“Oh, Keito…” Yamada acknowledge.

“Shopping for stuff…?” He smiled towards Shida.

“Oh… Shida-san, this is Okamoto Keito. Keito, this is Shida Mirai.”

“We’ve met. How are you?” Shida interjected, her face kind of lit up in a different way. “Do you have any news?” her question sounded a little bit different, as if she and Keito were friends for a long time now.

Keito’s smile faded and was replaced by concern, “Shida-chan… I’ve been asked not to ponder about it anymore.”

Shida looked taken-aback, “Why?” she raised her voice, probably out of anger. Yamada stood speechless and clueless.

“Yuto’s parents told me this personally…” Keito looked at Yamada, then back at Shida, “But they said that we should just forget about…”

Shida grabbed Keito’s sleeves, “They spoke to you? How is he!?” there was desperation in her voice.

Keito looked hesitant enough to continue. He can’t even look at Shida. He was about to say something when the cashier lady interrupted them, apparently, she's done scanning their stuff.

Yamada was sure she saw Shida wipe away her tears, and with shaking hands, Shida tried to fish out her wallet. Seeing how disturbed she looked, Yamada stood in front of Shida, “Ah… Here…” he handed the money to the cashier and went on with the transaction.

Not really sure what’s exactly happening, Yamada discreetly asked Keito to take Shida outside where she can breath and hopefully calm down. Keito obliged.

Outside, Yamada was carrying the groceries when he found Keito and Shida leaning on some rails. The street was still pretty bright since it’s just about half an hour after six, but slowly, the sky was giving off signs of entering nighttime.

“Ah, Yama-chan…” Keito uttered, but Shida didn’t look up. Her eyes were practically covered by her bangs and her head was slightly shoved down. Yamada can tell that she has a hand over , and her shoulders were shaking a little.

Concerned, he approached Shida, dropping the groceries carefully to her side, “What’s wrong?” he asked, a hand on Shida’s trembling figure while eyes on Keito.

The tall boy looked so small when Yamada saw his expression; it was just too much to describe; he looked like he didn’t want to say anything but that he’s forced to do so. “I’m sorry Shida-chan… but it’s probably the best for YOU to just forget about him…” obviously Keito’s reply didn’t answer Yamada’s question, but Yamada knew well what he was talking about – It’s Yuto. It’s clearly about Yuto.

Soon enough, Keito bid good-bye, giving Shida a comforting hug before promising that he’ll call her soon. Yamada and Shida were left leaning on the rails, people passing by. Shida’s not trembling now, but she still hasn’t said anything.

The sky turned into nighttime, and the streetlights were lit. Yamada can only look at Shida’s sullen silhouette. Without any more patience to look at her like this he spoke, “We gotta get you home.”

When she looked up, Yamada didn’t know what to do; nor does he know what he felt. There were tears filling her eyes, and you can tell she’s trying hard not to let them fall.

Yamada fought the courage to lay a hand on her cheek; she looked so fragile. But even before his skin comes close to her, Shida stepped back a little. Soon enough, her tears were leaving traces on her soft cheek.

“He’s gone?” her voice was quivering. She sounded like she didn’t wanna hear the answer. “They won’t even let me know anything…” tears kept falling.

After that, all Yamada could think of was how much he wanted to take that pain; seeing her cry like this, seeing her in pain, it kills every part of him. And as Shida’s sobs grew louder, Yamada just pulled her into a tight embrace, resting her face on his chest while he lands his chin on top of her head. Words weren’t necessary; there was nothing to be said. Right now, to have her sheltered in his arms while she endures the suffocating pain, it’s the only thing he could do. After all, he’s not Nakajima Yuto. He’s just Yamada Ryosuke. 

xXxXx

A few months later…

Yamada just came from the infirmary. “Arigatou sensei” he spoke before sliding the door shut. He sighed and was about to run back to his classroom when, “Ah… Shida-chan…”

“Well, are you okay now?” she asked casually. They’ve been pretty good friends now.

He nodded with a sheepish smile. “Maybe I should just stop staying up late reading those mangas.” He gestured that they go back inside the classroom when Shida said she needed to go to the library to return some books; it was lunch time anyway. Saying he’ll see her later, Yamada made his way back to the classroom, where Chinen was standing at their usual spot at a corner.

“You look rather fine. You faked that faint thing just so you could go to the nurse’s office.” Obviously it was a joke, but Chinen sometimes attempts something like this. 

“Oh no, that’s not my style…” Yamada replied, before leaning on the wall. “Chinen, I’ve been thinking. Maybe I should tell her…”

Chinen stood up straight and looked at Yamada’s face, “You mean you haven’t...?”

Yamada shook his head.

“U-so… I thought you did since you guys look okay now.”

“Well, I considered what you said before that I should wait. Maybe I can’t wait any longer.”

Chinen looked up in the ceiling. It’s probably been about two years since Yuto was gone and there was no news or whatever. “Well, good luck buddy.”

xXxXx

Shida was on her way to the rooftop, Yamada just called her. She met Chinen on the hallways and stopped when he called out to her, “Yeah?” She asked, raising her eyebrows.

Chinen looked serious, but he kept a smile on his face. “I hope you like his surprise.”

“Huh?”

But Chinen didn’t reply. Shida didn’t press on it either and went on her way.

xXxXx

Up on the rooftop, Shida turned around to face Yamada. “Well, what is it that you’re going to tell me?” her words were straight to the point; just like how they always were.

Yamada looked rather nervous, but he tried to hide it. He was clutching on his phone. “I’ve got some big news.” He looked at her, trying to put a smile on his face. “But before that… I’d like to say something… Just ‘cause… maybe I won’t be able to say this…” Soon he swallowed and walked closer to Shida, who just watched his every move.

When Yamada decided that the distance between them was good enough, and that his heart was beating on a manageable rate, he took a deep breath before he spoke.

“I like you Shida Mirai… No… I’m in love with you” his entire body felt like it’s going to collapse, he just didn’t know how else to put it. His heart felt like it’s stabbing his chest and the stabs came at a great force; it almost feels like his ribs are going to burst. Yamada fought the urge to look away and instead, he kept his stare on her eyes, which are hard to read.

There was silence and Yamada tried to see what’s going to happen. What now? To his surprise, he heard Shida fought a chuckle. A chuckle? Did he say anything funny?

“Ah… Shida-chan…”

“What? Now, you want me to go out with you?” she asked obliviously. Yamada can feel his throat tightening and somehow just now, his stomach felt like its disappearing. Why does she sound like she thinks all of this as a joke!?

“Ah… it’s nothing like that…” he uttered rather with embarrassment but he was cut off.

“That sounds like garbage…”

And as sharp as the frozen air on the top of the highest peak in the world, Shida’s words cut through everything of Yamada. Frozen like he’s never imagined before, Yamada can only form a fist. He remembered that fragile Shida he held on his arms the day she found out she should completely forget about her love for Yuto. After that, moment after moment, he remembered her smiles while they slowly began to become close friends. ‘I thought we were doing okay... I thought...’ clearly inside his head, her laughter echoes, how they spent time going to each other’s house, going out for a walk, shopping together. ‘What’s going on?’ there were tons of questions inside his head some he had answers, some he's not sure... but the loudest one was, “Why…” this one didn’t remain just a thought, but he uttered this rather very silently.

Shida could’ve heard it, but he’s not too sure. All he heard was the sound of the rooftop door being shut.

Yamada felt tears on his face… He clutched on his chest and felt his legs weaken and he was soon down on his knees. Lost and confused, he laughed a little, trying to remember what Shida just said… then he uttered to himself, “yeah… garbage…” Yamada looked at his phone and there were tons of missed calls from an unknown number.

xXxXx

Shida stormed inside their room, shocking Chinen at how fast she was moving. She shoved all her stuff inside her bag without even looking and soon she was out of the room. Chinen didn’t even get a minute to think of what to say, but he could swear he saw her wipe her eyes.

‘I’m not in love with him!’ Shida could hear her own voice screaming inside her head. She’s not sure where to go, but all she knows is that she wants to be alone. 

Feeling tired and her eyes all swollen since she hasn’t stopped crying since she left the school, Shida stopped walking and just looked at the open bay, leaning on the rails. ‘Yuto…’ she uttered, more tears falling.

‘I can’t be in love with him! I can’t be in love with him, Yuto! It has to be you!’ she cried and cried, remembering that kind face of the guy she once loved. She and Yuto used to go to this exact same spot just to shout out their frustrations. She loved him, but he’s not here with her anymore. ‘Why do you have to leave me like this!?’

Deep down inside, Shida knows Yuto is alive. He survived that operation, he recovered… she can bet her life on it. It has to be Yuto. Yuto Nakajima, and not Ryosuke Yamada.

She shut her eyes remembering how awful he looked when she left him on that rooftop. Has she been too cruel? No. She wasn’t cruel. She was being true, right? It’s because of Yamada why Yuto got in an accident… it’s because of him why Yuto left… It’s because of him why Yuto’s not here with her right now!

The past few months that they’ve been together, it was all an act. She wanted Yamada to be close to her so that when she shuts him down, he’ll feel the pain of losing someone important. But to Shida’s surprise, instead of hatred, the pain on losing Yuto, what came in as a flashback were Yamada’s smiles; those bright little smiles he gives off whenever he cracks a bad joke. Hesitantly, she remembered how one time they tried to cook something, but it turned out awful because of her. She didn’t know why but soon enough, Shida found herself laughing while tears came gushing out. Her heart was just pounding and pounding nonstop.

‘What’s happening to me…’ she asked, feeling like a lunatic out of control. Shida then leaned over the rails, looking at the splashing waters from below. And as if struck by lightning, she heard someone spoke.

“Mirai-chan?”

Shida felt her heart stop. There’s only one person who calls her that. When she stood up straight, she can’t believe her eyes, there he is, standing just a few feet away from her… “Yuto…”

Yuto smiled, ever so brightly, and without hesitation he pulled Shida into a hug. “I’ve missed you so much!”

Shida felt happy, but she doesn’t know why something seems odd. She should feel exceptional right?

“I knew you’ll be waiting for me….” Yuto uttered, and she could feel him kissing the top of her head. At that moment, Shida wondered why she remembers how Yamada comforted her; how he chose to say nothing but just make her feel that she’s not alone.

Soon Yuto pulled away and looked at her face, “Yuto… it’s really you…” Shida uttered; seemingly out of words to say.

“My parents forbid me to come back, but I had to. I just know I have to come back for you.” He smiled, and Shida irritatingly wondered why she can’t find the happiness to smile; inside her head, Yamada’s face kept appearing. 'Why him!? It’s Yuto!'

She wanted to ask him tons of questions but there was nothing else coming out from . Yuto caressed her cheek. “Yama-chan was nice enough to tell me that you were waiting for me. So I told myself I just have to go back!”

Shida’s eyes widened, “Yama…chan…”

Yuto nodded earnestly. “He told me I should come back for you, that I should fight for you. Gomen ne Mirai-chan if it took me so long.” Yuto looked like he didn’t wanna continue but decided to do so, “the accident wasn’t as bad as how my parents made it look. They used it as an excuse…”

Shida can’t help but just listen. Soon she uttered, “…excuse” she remembered how devasted she was when she heard Yuto can’t be treated here and has to go abroad. And now, it’s all a lie?

“They just wanted to force me into living abroad, they made me believe I had to go on an operation.”

“w…what…?” disbelief rushed to her.

“I’m sorry Mirai-chan. I should’ve done something sooner, but my parents were being so hard on me…” then he smiled, “but I was reminded of what I have to fight for, and that’s you! I’m not leaving anymore, Mirai-chan…” he hugged her again, and this time, Shida just stayed stiff. She remembered what Chinen said… 

I hope you like his surprise.

‘By surprise, was it… Yuto?’ Shida heard her voice quiver.

“You know, I didn’t know exactly how I’m going to face you so Yama-chan arranged that we’d talk… over lunchtime, that’s what he said. But he didn’t answer my calls. I thought maybe there was some emergency.”

Shida remembered Yamada holding onto his phone. ‘He was waiting for a call… from Yuto?’ Shida can now feel her heart burn; it hurts that she tried to keep her breaths steady. Why must it feel so painful?

Breaking the silence, there was an ambulance that just went past by, taking Shida and Yuto a little by surprise. Absent-mindedly, Shida saw the ambulance turn on a street towards their school. Why she felt horribly worried, she’s not too sure.

And as if her thoughts came to haunt her, her phone rang, “hai…” her voice now quivering, she uttered this while Yuto looked at her with concern. Of course he’ll feel weirded out, she hasn’t said much since he arrived. There was silence and Shida spoke again, a little stronger now, “Hello?”

“This is Chinen…” he sounded rather, hushed… is he crying?

“Ah… Chi-“

“What happened!? I thought you’d like his surprise!” Chinen was definitely crying, and he sounded pretty angry.

Shida felt her chest tighten. “I… don’t know…”

Chinen just kept sobbing and sobbing, and Shida could hear people just crowding. 

“Chinen… what’s going on…?” She fought hard to ask this question, Yuto’s worried eyes still on her.

“Yama-chan… he’s…” Chinen just kept crying and crying, and for Shida, she felt herself disappear. She dropped her phone and Yuto was quick to help her keep herself up when she was about to fall on her knees. 

Strangely, Shida noted how Yamada looked… weak, broken, when she left him. What happened? Not even thinking about Yuto, Shida fought her tears and started running. In her mind, there’s just that warmth Yamada made her feel when she was on the bottom of her sanity. How could she hate the only person who made her feel complete after all this time?

xXxXx

Shida arrived at the hospital, and ran quickly to the room she was told. Outside, there stood Chinen and perhaps Yamada’s older sister.
Yuto was behind her, but she didn’t notice this much. Still clueless, Shida stood frozen; Chinen didn’t even look up, he was just on that tiny space; sitting, leaning his back on the wall. Shida watched blankly as Chinen pulled his knees to his chest and his sobs grew louder. Chihiru, Ryosuke’s older sister, clasped a hand over and just walked away, her eyes red and swollen. Yuto can’t help but just stare.

Soon, Shida’s, Yuto’s and Chinen’s heads were towards the door when it opened, and there emerged the doctor along with some nurses. They bowed indirectly, and Shida wanted to ask what’s happening but was empty, dry… wordless. 

In her mind, all she could think of was her last image of Yamada; and everything else went blank.

Without even thinking twice, Shida went inside, not even noticing Yuto half-heartedly pulling her back.

Inside, Shida swore she wanted to run away. She heard someone crying, calling out her son’s name, and sure enough, it was Ryosuke’s mother, hovered over the bed. His dad was behind her, trying to calm his wife down. On the sofa just near the wall, there’s Ryosuke’s younger sister and she was trying hard not to cry more than she already is. Nobody looked at Shida when she entered.

As Shida stepped closer, she felt like she didn’t wanna see it. But is this reality? Is this a dream?

On that bed… a body lay still. And upon looking, Shida wanted to just disappear when she saw a white cloth covering the person’s face. 

‘No…’ she uttered. This must not be him… no way.

Yuto stopped near the door, apparently, he can’t imagine all of this. This is just too… much…

Shida just walked closer, her sight already so blurred with all those tears welling up. Inside her head she whispers, ‘This is not him…. No way…’ She has to be right! This is not him… Suddenly, she remembered how Ryosuke kept asking her every morning to have lunch with him…

With all her strength, Shida grasped the white sheet, and slowly pulls it off. 

There was his face, ever so beautiful… that face that kept greeting her a wonderful “Ohayo!” everyday. That greet that she used to hate and wanted to shove away. His eyes that use to give off those bright sparkles when he smiles… now shut… and they’ll never open again… She just felt her consciousness drifting. She wants to drift away with him.

Fighting off her tears, Shida’s hands were shaking when she held his cheeks. She knew deep down inside of her she wanted to do this… to feel his face… it’s still warm, but for how long with this warmth last…? and now, he’s not going to smile.

With all that’s left of her, she cried… and she kept on crying. She remembered that warm Yamada that held her so close… that one that kept bugging her day by day… that Yamada that said he loves her.

It was just this afternoon right?

And recalling the scene… she wanted so badly to go back… 

I like you Shida Mirai… No… I’m in love with you

She can remember very well how shy he looked, and how she fought herself from saying how she really feels. There was Yuto right? But it turns out… Yuto was long gone…. All this time…

“Oh… ohayo Shida-san.” 

His sweet smile, never misses to make her smile inside.

“You looked tired today.”

How he asks her just about everything. She said she hated it, but deep inside she was happy somebody cared.

“Would you like to each lunch with me this afternoon?”

That’s right… Afternoon lunches… ‘Won’t you be there?’

She cried and cried. And right now, that’s the only thing she felt like she knows how to do. She caressed his forehead, brushing his hair away from his face. How she wished she could’ve done this long ago… long ago when he could still smile; and then she would smile with him. Because deep inside, she wasn’t really waiting for Yuto, or anybody else… the reason why she wasn’t missing her happiness, was because he was right there in front of her all this time. And right now, to realize all this right now… it was just a little too late.

xXxXx

Standing here right now, this very spot where he held me… I wanted to cry whenever I’m here; because I remember the pain, that suffocating feeling of losing Yuto. But then again, I smile. You wanna know why? Because this, even though appears to be the fall of me, this is the place where I found a new Shida Mirai… in this very same spot, Yamada Ryosuke held me and made me feel alive once again. Maybe way back then, at that moment, I knew I wasn’t in love with Yuto anymore. At that moment… it was Ryosuke… It was him.

I brushed a tear off my cheek, remembering Ryosuke at those times… when I ignore him, or make him feel like he’s not welcomed… I want to whack myself on the head. How could I be so stupid? How could I not realize that I’m the most blessed girl in the world?

Then again… It’s too late now. It’s too late to go back and change those times where I acted mean to him, or when I tried to keep him away from me. It’s a little too late to change that now.

I closed my eyes, and instead of leaning on the rails, I faced the road, by back turned to the street where people usually walk. There was an odd wind, blowing through my skin. 

Like a movie, it all played so clearly. That faithful day when Yuto came back… was that faithful day I lost Ryosuke…

Then I felt someone hug me from behind. “Nani ga?” I complained, I always do, then I faced him.
“Shall we eat lunch now? I got some hamburgers…” I smiled, and he smiled too. I can’t help it, I held onto his cheek. I’ve been wanting to do that but I kept denying it. Then he smiled more, his eyes shining.
“I love you, Ryosuke, do you know that?”

Yep. Yamada Ryosuke, standing right in front of me, holding a bag of food. He was supposed to be gone you know… but I guess… It’s just wasn't his time. God gave me a chance to redeem myself. And Dear God if you’re listening to me right now, I thank you with all my heart. I am, never… ever… going to waste anymore of these chances that You’ve given me.

You might ask, how… I myself don’t even know… Everything happened like a miracle. And the moment the doctors were back and were all in commotion inside his room, I watched his ECG draw ups and downs… they were weak, but I know well enough that they meant life. At that certain moment, I was a believer. So there really is such a thing called miracle. Yeah… Ryosuke is an angel… he’s OUR miracle. 

I didn’t get to understand much of what the doctors said, they were as surprised as we were. That turning point, all tears became tears of joy. It was all too overwhelming to just describe. And honestly, as magical as that moment felt, I don’t ever want to remember it too much. It’s a bittersweet memory.

To my surprise, he kissed my forehead. “Even if you never say it… I know you do… and God knows how thankful I am to be here and hear you say it…”

I’m in love with him. That’s just how it is. To think he almost slipped away from me… it felt like there’s no sense in life. Not that I’d like to compare, but when I thought I’d lost Ryosuke, the feeling when I learned that I’m losing Yuto was not even close… When it was Yuto… I felt my heart shatter. But when it was Ryosuke, I thought it I died.

“Although I hope you’d stop staring, it’s not like you.” Ryosuke broke my awkward silence. I just laughed.

“Really? Okay then… I’ll just stare at Yuto…” I uttered, I know what I said was mean and childish but it works…

“Oh really? Yuto again?” He’s jealous. See, I told you it works. I sighed, this is just silly me having some jokes. It amuses me how he falls for that every time. I held his cheeks with one hand on each. I would do anything just to have him this close… to have his warmth, those lively, blushing cheeks, that wonderful smile… and those bright, sparkling eyes. I might’ve said he makes me sick to my stomach… but I take that back now. because now, he makes my stomach go fluttering away.

“I was just kidding!” I squished his cheeks. I swear, I’m so glad I get to do that and get that precious expression from him. Soon enough, he pulled me closer to that familiar embrace, that same embrace that made me alive again. And feeling his heartbeat, I smiled. I was stupid when I said his love was garbage… I was ridiculously out of my mind when I thought I hated it… know why? Because this guy…. He’s my life. And I guess it’s just as simple as that.