I miss her eyes.
The way she’d look at me with her innocent brown orbs.

I miss the way she kissed me good night, the way her lips always tasted like candy.

I miss the way we slept, the way we cuddled before going to bed.
The fact that she was the only one who could lie on my bed without getting kicked off.

I miss her tenderness. It’s like the sun doesn’t even exist anymore. Every time I open the curtains I see it there, up in the sky in all of its glory but it never seems to bring any light into my life. It’s like there’s no sunrise. No new beginning for me...I’m trapped, eternally surrounded by darkness.

I miss her smile, the bright and cheery smile that attracted people to her like moths to an open flame. I was one of those moths, probably still am.
I miss her soft smiles, her mischievous smiles, especially the blinding white pearls that she calls teeth.

I miss the way we breathe, the way we were so in sync, so united. I felt her pain and she felt mine. I knew when she was upset, when she was feeling insecure and lost. I was there for her during those times and she was there when I needed her. She always knew how to make me feel better. She was my best friend, the one I could truly count on.

But I never told her what I should’ve said. I don‘t know why I never told her, why I just held it in. I miss everything about her. I can’t believe that I still long for her. Even after everything that we went through. I miss everything about her.

I see her brown eyes every time I close mine. She makes it so hard to see where I belong to the world now. Who am I supposed to be, if not hers? She was all that I knew, all that I wanted. I don’t know who I am without her beside me. No one will ever be able to fill the gaping hole in my heart. There was a point in my life where I was scared to fall asleep or close my eyes.
Every time that I did her face haunted me. When I slept, I could hear her voice, I could hear her laughs. Every time she held me, every time she laid a single finger on me in my dreams it felt so real. I miss her so much.

I never told her what I should’ve said. I don’t know why I never told her- why I just held it in. I miss everything about her. I can’t believe I still yearn for her. Even after everything that we’ve been through. I miss everything about her, without her...I’m lost- Nothing but a hollow nobody.

She was my all, my world yet everything fell apart so fast. Neither of us saw it coming. We were so blinded by our anger, so clouded by rage. I don’t know why I ever let it all get so out of hand. She would still be by my side if I had only stopped being so stubborn. It came so suddenly. I will never forget that night, ever. I was too late. I had the chance to but I didn’t. Time wasn’t on my side and with a mere phone call; I found out that neither was she.
 

RIP
1992-2011
Meili Chen
Beloved daughter and friend.
Forever in our hearts.

“Hyung...”
“Oh, hey Sehun what’s going on?”
I felt my stomach churn. Like something bad had happened, I could sense that something was wrong. I picked up that Sehun’s voice was hoarse, like he had been crying. There were muffled voices in the background, lots of shouting and screaming.

“Yah, Sehun where are you?” He didn’t answer me but instead started crying.

“Sehun? Yah, what’s going on?!” I demanded.
“It’s Noona! Meili Noona...She-She got hit by a truck hyung! The guy was drunk and it was really dark and all of a sudden-“

That was it. That was all I needed to hear. My heart started pounding so fast and so loud, it felt like it was about to burst out of my chest. My hands started to tremble.

“Sehun-ah...did she...you know?”

Then I heard more sobs from the background. I could pick up Tao’s cries, Chanyeol’s and the other members. I could even hear her mother’s heart-wrenching pleads.

“Hyung she didn’t make it. Meili Noona is dead Luhan Hyung! She’s dead!”

My heart broke into a million of irretrievable pieces. She was gone. Just like that she was gone. I joined in with their cries and tightly held the red, velvet box within my fist. She wasn’t supposed to leave me. I was supposed to drive to her house, ask her for forgiveness and her hand in marriage. We were too young to get married but I was more than positive that she was the woman for me. Tonight was supposed to be a night of celebration, the night where I was one step closer to making her my future wife.

I shamelessly fell unto my bedroom floor and let out a piercing yell. My Meili...she was gone. The life I dreamt of us having flashed before my eyes. Me proposing to her, her saying yes and ecstatically holding me in her arms before sharing a passionate kiss, us getting married, having our first child, buying our own house, having our second child...all of our dreams and our promises burst into flames right before my very eyes. How could this happen to me? I’ve made mistakes but did I really deserve to be so brutally hurt like this? What the hell did I do...Just thinking about a life without her mere presence...I miss her already.

I miss the way she giggled at almost anything. I miss the way children were so drawn to her. Now I’ll never get to see her with the children we wanted to have. She was an Angel, so pure hearted and gentle. I miss her voice, so soft and mesmerizing. I miss her cooking that was so delicious. I miss her scent, the hypnotising aroma of lavender. I miss the way she would be more excited to watch a child’s movie than children. I miss how she’d always drag me to go play in the park, how she didn’t care about what others thought of her. I miss her. The woman I wanted to settle down with. The woman I was going to settle down with- The love of my life.

I never told her how much I loved her. How sorry I was for being stupid. I never told her how she was my source of life. She kept me going, to keep pushing and striving for my dreams. I never told her that she was the only reason why I can confidently go on stage and perform in front of other people. I never told her the things that counted the most. That is my biggest regret in life.

If Tao really had the power to control time I would want nothing more than to be able to go back to that day I dread the most. Simply so that I could tell her how much she meant to me and how empty life had become without her. I don’t even consider myself as alive. I have loving friends and family, but they can never replace her. No one will ever replace her. After all the things we’ve been through, I’m really not surprised that I still love her. She was my life, my angel, my one and only.

There aren’t a lot of things I regret in my life. But the biggest thing that I regret is not telling her how much I loved her every single day that I was with her.