The cycle repeated 

  
It was like every other year. Getting up; getting dressed with your nicest clothes of the year; stumbling out of the house and going to some party a friend throws up at some disco, getting hooked up with someone; waiting for the clock to strike 12 so you could bring that someone in the bed in your bedroom (or in the hotel room depends on how far is the party). This year is not any different.
  
I’m at a club Kibum rent for his most awesome party ever (like every new one he throws), I’m flirting with a buffed up cutie with an awesome smile and the most luscious lips ever, that I think of ravishing since we started talking and he started them from time to time and even though he looks cute and naïve the words that get out of his mouth are just begging me take him on the bar but I know that if I leave now with him I won’t live until the next new-year party that Kibum will throw, and taking him on the bar is really tempting but I do want to pin someone else at the next party and doing this will ruin my chances.

  
Everyone got out 5 minutes before midnight to watch the celebration fireworks that the city council bought to entertain the citizens. I and my companion for the night got out too to watch them, after that we were going to stroll down the road and head for the nearest hotel. His name is Gi Kwang I remind myself as his arms wrap around my waist and his lips press to my neck, at the skin and giggling after I groan.
 
I wrap my arms around him and spin him around, making him laugh now, before leaning in to kiss him. When we pull apart its past midnight and I lean to whisper to him that I want to ditch the party with him. He smirks and his lips as his arm slides into mine and he pulls me down the road to the nearest hotel we can find.
  
We just take a few steps and I see him there, only a few meters away from me with a boy in his arms, a blond one; shorter one; cuter one; one that’s not me. He sees me too and smiles, then tightens the hug on the boy and smirks up at me. I pull Gi Kwang closer to me, wrapping my arm around his waist and whispering in his ear, making him chuckle and blush at what I said. Then we passed him, like I didn’t know him and he didn’t try to fix this by greeting me, trying to catch my attention. He knew he caught it and it pleased him to know I hated seeing him with the boy.
 
Three hours later, like a clock, as I lay in bed with Gi Kwang in the shower he sent me a text. He knew exactly how much time I took and at what time I got bored and wanted to flee.
 
“Meet me. I know you want to.”
 
That’s right. I knew he knew that I wanted it but I doubt he knew I didn’t want it at the same time either.
 
“My apartment. I’m waiting.”
 
The second text that came after a minute or two – It made me grab my clothes, shout that I was going out to the boy in the shower and flee from the room. I’m not even sure I will remember his name the next time I see him; though I have a feeling I will regret it.

 
I run to him in hope to fix everything I did back then. I pant as I ring the bell and he open the door for me and pulled me in, ravishing my lips the moment his eyes are laid on me. It’s rough with the way my hands rip his shirt; it’s bruising with the way he pushes me at the wall a few times until he actually gets the door to the bedroom (and it’s his own ing apartment); it’s passionate and lustful with the way both of us pant and groan and kiss and and move and everything is so mind-blowing like every ing time we do this that I wonder if I will be able to walk and talk and think tomorrow – mostly walk.
 
None of us talk, none of us yells the other’s name and none of us really moans. It’s mostly grunts and swears but they’re directed at ourselves not at each-other.

 
I was the one who asked him out. It was raining and we were waiting for a cab outside one club that held yet another of Kibum’s parties. I was known for being a player, I knew it and he knew it too. He was just another guy, friend of Kibum’s boyfriend that somehow got the privilege to go to his parties. He was dull, boring and not that attractive on the outside but somehow we got close and I figured he’s not dull and boring at all and I thought maybe I could change for him. I knew I could. He took a good of 47seconds to comprehend what came out of my mouth before he laughed out a ‘yea, sure, why not?’ and we started like that. We started like that and we continued like that for a month, before everything started.
 
I started changing him little by little. I hated when people shushed behind our backs that he was not for me, that he was plain, that he was boring. What right did they have? So I started changing him. I started with his glasses: they were cool, I found them y on him, but still I made him buy lenses. Then it was the hair – that was not too hard actually, he hated his own hairstyle, but had no idea how to change it. And the wardrobe: little by little I filled it with clothes that made him look ier and ier. In the span of 6 month he was a god who everyone swooned over and no one said a word about how he doesn’t suit me anymore. We were gods.
     

    
Nine months. Only three months after I stopped worrying about people saying he doesn’t deserve me and the rumors started. They said he slept around, they said he slept with them; they said he didn’t love me anymore. But I didn’t believe it because in the end he still came home to me, he laid in the bed next to me, he held me. And I was happy, so I didn’t believe them. I continued being faithful and loving and adoring him. Even Kibum, who usually paid no attention to who I was dating, told me to be careful and keep my distance.
 
Then our anniversary came. It’s not like we planned anything, it’s not like I told him I took the day off and that I was going to surprise him. It’s not like I expected him to be at home at 12PM with someone in our bedroom in our bed. With someone who’s not me.
 
And it’s not like I didn’t hurt, but I leaned on the door frame, hands crossed on my chest and an amused smile on my face as the girl he brought home dashed out after seeing me and he just sat there, with no clothes and the sheet barely covering his body. I stared at him expecting to see shame on his face, guilt.
 
There was nothing.
 
“I’m moving out tomorrow.” I said in a monotone voice turning around and going to the kitchen. I was still going to cook us dinner, I was still going to use everything I bought, and I was still going to pretend I didn’t see that just now. Just until midnight. Just until I gather my things the next day and go to Kibum’s place. Just… It was our anniversary.

 
I woke up to the sun rays playing on my face and I grunted, turning around and finding the place next to me empty. I sat up and looked around. It was still the same, just like the day I left. I got up and walked to the living room, finding him sitting on the couch and watching television with a cigarette between his lips. I scrunched my face and walked to him getting the poisonous thing out of his mouth and put it out.
 
“Since when do you smoke, Doojoon?” I ask and stare at his blank expression, so much different from the one last night.
 
“Does it matter?” he asked back and smirked. The he got up and headed to the kitchen and I followed behind. I watched as he got a can of beer from the refrigerator and how he downed maybe half of it in one go before he turned to me arching a brow. “What are you still doing here?”
 
“What?” I ask back bewildered. We haven’t seen each other in months, we haven’t talked with each other in months, still he still kept my phone number, and I still kept his. He called for me to come and I ran as fast as I could. I ran to this man hoping to turn the things how they were, to return to who I was when I got together with him, because what I turned back to later was something I started hating and something that the man before me made me hate.
 
“My boyfriend will be back in an hour or two and I would appreciate it if you’re gone by then.” He said leisurely and sipped from his can of beer again. I waited until he put the can down before I lunched at him throwing punch at the face I loved; that I still love. I threw a punch in the eye, a kick in the stomach; an elbow in chest when he returned the punches.
 
We fought for 30 minutes but I was fighting with more rage than he was, so it was natural that I didn’t feel as much pain after the blows then he was. After he slumped to the floor I laughed at him and walked out, grabbing my cell phone and going out.

 
I decided to walk to my apartment even if it was far away. I really needed to cool off and forget what I did last night. My phone buzzed and I took it out, reading the complaint from Kibum sent to me in 3 messages. My best friend was really mad that I run away so soon and he told me that the person I ran off to with had to be worth it for him to forgive me. I sighed remembering the cute and luscious boy that I left at the hotel room and cursed my fragile willpower for ditching him. I turned to my phone again reaching to press the ‘reply’ button when the device in my hands started ringing and there was displayed the name of the boy from last night. I picked up in a rush, afraid that he would change his mind and hang up.
 
“Hello?” came his voice voicing how insure he was.
 
“Hey. I’m sorry about last night.” I quickly apologized and heard him giggle at the other end.
 
“Did you ditch me for someone else?” he asked in the same giggly voice and it broke my heart that I did.
 
“Yea.” I mumbled and felt like an for telling him that.
 
“Oh, was it worth it?” he asked. I was pretty sure he would hang up after what I admit.
 
“No, not really… not at all actually.” I laughed and ruffled my hair. Then the line went dead and I stared at my phone bewildered. I pondered on the thought of calling him back, since apparently somehow I got his phone (maybe he put it in) when I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned around facing the boy I just talked with.
 
“Want to have a breakfast together? You can tell me what happened too.” He laughed again a smile plastered on his face and eyes shining.
 
“Only if you help me forget afterwards.” I smiled faintly and waited for a rejection, though all I received was a wide smile, a boy lashed on my hand and a ‘Sure, why not?’ followed with his raspy laugh.