Thanks to the rare break in our arduous work schedules (and after much prompting from Donghae), for first time in...ever, I took the family on a winter vacation.  I figured I'd keep a running diary to satisfy you SJ members (this is all for you Leeteuk-hyung, you nosy little er) who have asked me to update them on some trivial family stuff  (and my slow decent to madness).

DAY 1


- 2:00 a.m: wake-up call for the 6:00 a.m. flight to St. Lucia. What drug had I been on when I booked this? Waking the kids up at 2:00 am is like inviting creepy paranormal spirits into their bodies for the rest of the day.  There is a solid chance they will most likely castrate me in my sleep.

- During the plane ride, my seven year old daughter, with her tiny face pressed against to the window, excitedly exclaimed "Appa! We're in outer space!". In response, I tell her, very teacher-like, that we're not quite in outer space, and that we'd have to leave the atmosphere to be in outer space. She looks at me blankly and obdurately replies "Appa, school's probably different from now when you were a kid. Trust me, we're in outer space."

It's nice to know what the South Korean education system has been teaching my kids.

- At around noon, we arrived at our resort, the Cotton Bay Village, which is located near the Cas en Bas Beach. It is several degrees of awesome - hillside villas set over a postcard-esque beach and cove (beautiful, I tell you).  It also has a croquet lawn, which captivated the kids.  The sport (wait, calling it a sport would be a stretch.  It's more like .....lawn gaming?) reduces my kids to tears. My son think it's fun to keep hammering my daughter's ball into the nearby flower beds. She gets frustrated and cries. He rolls his eyes and forfeits. The whole family tournament is total letdown.

- I forgot to mention that the island hosts little sporting competitions between guests. Most people would refer to these in its technical term: "Fun Beach Activities".

 I like to call them "War".

- Fist-bumped Donghae for suggesting this place and proceed to tell him I fully intend to dominate these competitions. He looks genuinely horrified at the prospect of the public humiliation I will may bring the family this week. (Glad you have so much faith in me, yeobo. It's too late now. You are legally bounded to me by written contract.)

- We all agreed to go for a dip at the one of the resort's marvelous pool. Within ten minutes of arriving poolside, the kids ordered something called a Death by Chocolate Milkshake, which has real Rolos floating in it. This will most likely become their vacation crack. By Day 3, they will probably be begging for it every meal. By Day 4, they will probably steal our wedding rings and pawn it in order to get their fix. Probably not, but I bet they've contemplate on it.

- As we prepared for bed, the kids thought it'll be fun to have a jumping party on mine and Donghae's bed . The husband thought it was cute. I thought it was nauseating. For ten excruciating minutes, I valiantly fought the urge to vomit on the little ones.

DAY 2


-  Eager to make an early statement and show my athletic abilities (which is often lost in our powder-puffed TV lives), I entered a paddleboarding competition. With my stalwart prowess, I proceeded to dominate my heat*, semi-final, and final**. I ended up winning a t-shift and proudly held it above my head like the World Cup. As I scanned the crowd for my husband, I was greeted with the sight of Donghae, who was laying  on a nearby lounge chair, had hidden his face underneath a towel in embarrassment.

* It should be noted that I had cut of my opponent , a 60 year old grandmother from Florida. Sorry grandma, but this is a battlefield.

** I guess it should also be mentioned that the guy I was racing against got distracted by a hot girl who was swimming in close proximity and never finished the competition. His lack of focus deems him an unworthy opponent, nor does it diminish the historical significance of this title. I am thinking of framing the t-shirt. Sadly, Donghae snorted and said no.

- Donghae suggested that we should do something as a family, so we decided to go snorkeling.  Snorkeling is great! It's motto should be: "Snorkeling, it's like scuba diving, but with fewer accidental deaths!".  In the midst of some familial, snorkeltastic fun, I discovered an unusual flat shell with perfectly symmetrical holes. Getting embarrassingly excited,  I eagerly presented it to my nine year old son, like I'd found the holy grail. In response, he waves his hand dismissively and said "Ah, appa. That's a sand dollar."

I have some issues....with knowledge.

- The munchkins decided to hang out at the resort's Kid's Club and make wind chimes. My initial male instinct is to chirp at my son over this. But, he looked so positively delighted that he had produced a beautiful medley of shells, strings, and popsicle sticks. (that and Donghae threatened to not have with me for a week.) So, I elected not to taunt him.

- While the kids were still creating chaos at the Kid's Club, Donghae and I decided to do laps in the hotel's impressive reverse-current lap pool.  Feeling ambitious, I had initially set out to do 50. By lap 7, we ordered pina coladas from a passing waitress while doing the backstroke. By lap 10, Donghae and I gave up and settled into the hot tub. Her fault, service was too prompt.

- Mid-afternoon, I passed by a guy in a Manchester United cap. Trying to be friendly, I asked him if he was a Manchester United fan. Looking apologetic, he says something in Japanese and shrugs. Like any idiotic foreigner trying to communicate with someone who doesn't speak Korean, I act like I'm playing preschool charades - pointing at his hat and pretending to kick a ball. Smiling awkwardly, he protectively grabs his child by the shoulders and frantically walks away.  I concluded that I may have mistakenly conveyed: "Give me your money or I will kick your family jewels".

DAY 3


-  After breakfast, the kids, the husband, and I decided to go tubing. I shared a tube with the daughter, who screamed at the top of her lungs for the entire ride. Nursing a headache and coping with the shrill ringing resonating in my ears, I feel sudden empathy for Justin Bieber.

- Donghae and I chartered a speedboat from a local water-ski and wakeboard tour company. Our boat captain, an amicable Englishman named Kyle (who surprisingly spoke Korean. I mean, what are the chances?), told us that he had once driven Ryan Gosling to the Reduit Beach for a photo shoot a while back. If that happened to me, I'd be pretty amicable too.  (If you tell Donghae, I will kick your .)

- We had taken a full day tour around gorgeous St. Lucia, the four of us awestruck at the beauty of it all. At one point, with the sunset as a backdrop, and with my seven year old and I dangling our feet over the front of the boat, she turns to me and announces "Appa, I want to tell you something."

This is it. It must be one of those defining Hallmark moments where she would say something sweet and endearing like "I want this moment to last forever" or "I love you Appa.". I grinned in anticipation, wrapped my arms around her, and lovingly replied "What is it honey?"

"I named my Andy."

"I lo- wha?"

"My . I named it Andy."

"Oh. Okay, that's...great."

For the remainder of the trip, she demanded that I address Andy every time I speak to her. For example, as in: "Miyoung and Andy, time for lunch!" or "Miyoung and Andy, want to go swimming?". Should this concern me? (also, Toy Story - what have you done to my child?)

DAY 4

- Family activities continued with exhilarating rides on one of those giant inflatable bananas. Momentarily distracted by people passing by on jet skis, I unexpectedly tumbled off the giant banana and ungracefully plunged into the clear blue water. The kids and Donghae thought it was the funniest thing in the history of...history.

- After lunch, We rented a car and drove around to a part of the island, where you can walk out for half-kilometer and the water would still be barely waist-high. (Note to Wookie: it would still be over your head.)

My daughter draws a picture in the sand and excitedly asks me to guess what it was. It is important to note that this is akin to your significant other asking "Do I look fat in these pants?". Anyways, the point being is, you must tread carefully. After musing over it for a while, I confidently answered that it was a donkey. It had been a rat. And she doesn't speak to me all afternoon.

DAY 5


- Youngmin and I decided to play an early morning round of golf at the St. Lucia Golf Resort and Country Club. The course is fantastic, I am not. At one point, I had accidently stubbed my right toe on one of the tee markers, causing me to scream out in intense pain. All my son did was keel over in laughter as I waved my fist and squeaked with all the manly terrorizing outrage I could manage. Thanks Youngmin, kick a man while he's down.

- We hastily scrambled back from the golf course to participate in a scavenger hunt, created by the brainchild of the man who runs the Cotton Bay. He had all the kids paint rocks all week at the Kid's Club and had hidden them in the ocean for their parents to find. He had even created a trophy for the family who collects the most rocks. It seems like it would make for some excellent family fun, except for the pressure.

You try having your kids look at you with their big, adorable eyes and say  "Win us that trophy. Appa, Daddy... Don't. Let. Us. Down."

Hence, about a dozen of parents of various shapes and sizes heedlessly sprints towards the ocean, the scene looking very similar to an Ironman Triathlon start. 

Donghae and I emerged from the ocean ten minutes later with one painted rock. The winning family (I don't recall their names so let's call them The Big Fat Cheaters) somehow managed to scavenge seven painted rocks. The little ones look up at Donghae and me with crestfallen expressions, their bright eyes glimmering with unshed tears. Donghae and I shared a panicked look before ordering our kids a round of Death of Chocolates just to be safe. Because, as any exceptional parenting book will tell you, bribing your kids is the best way to make them forget your failures.

- In the midst of frolicking in the pool, Youngmin and I decided have a friendly swimming race. Subsequently, he beats me in a stroke race to the determined finish line. This is significant because, in all honesty, I really tried, instead of doing the whole appa-lets-them-win thing.  I'm not quite sure if I should be jubilant for my little boy's ability, or concerned that the past five days of all-inclusive eating has reduced me to being barely buoyant.

DAY 6


- In the afternoon, we decided to rent a jet-ski for half an hour. Miyoung is only allowed to get on after Donghae threatened gently asked me to promise to not go faster than 10 miles per hour. I had already been breaking the rules for I had been going about 15mph when the little one screams "C'mon! Floor it, grandpa!". Naturally, I comply and she whoops and shrieks in delight.  Although, she later complains that she and Andy were feeling quite sore from the bumps. Donghae also scolds me for being irresponsible and careless. But then again, his amused expression invalidates his vituperation. So, I think it's safe to say that I will remain unharmed.

- During dinner, our daughter asks us if the guy who makes fondue is called "a fondler".  Being the devoted husband that he is, Donghae gently rubs my back when I nearly die from asphyxiation by water. He may be the more childish one, but I am definitely the more immature one.

And I assure you, Donghae and I will consider giving her extra tutoring lessons.

- While taking a stroll along the beach with our little ones, we saw a young couple getting married at sunset in front a resort. Twisting my head towards Donghae, I grinned and jokingly said "I think I may have my next wedding here." With a mischievous glint in his eyes,  Donghae quickly releases my hand and brutally pummels me to the sand. The kids only looked at each other before happily joining in to help the husband in tickling me. From an outsider's point of view, we would surely look like a lump of shrieking banshees. But I could only smile as I frantically escaped and scurried away from the torturous grasps of my family.

DAY 7


- After lunch, the kids discovered some secret crab commune in the forest near our villa. (Shouldn't crabs be in the ocean, or at the very least, next to it? Did my kids just stumble upon a new step in evolution?)

- The brother and sister gather about ten crabs in a sandbox and basically formed an illegal crab-racing ring. Within fifteen minutes, they have garnered twenty resort guests, all of them wagering and placing bets.  

Potential future careers? We certainly hope not.

DAY 8

-We sadly bid farewell to the Cottage Bay resort staff, who have treated us like family. During our flight home,  Donghae and I hear "Best vacation everrrrrr!" 57587 times from the kids. The little ones and the husband all had an amazing time and I curse at the fact this vacation had regrettably come to an end.

With his head pillowed on my shoulder, Donghae peeks up at me and smiles brightly. He snuggles his head further into my shoulder, squeezes my hand, and cutely declares that I was the best husband ever.

And I can't help but think that life will never get any better than this.