Calling... B2UTYSONELOVER
♨ Kimchi Dumplings Review Shop ♨ || Closed Hiatus ||
Title[4/5]: I like your title. It plays a big part in your story, but if I were to browse around for fanfics, it wouldn't stand out and catch my eye.
Design(Posters, Font Color, Font Style, and Backgrounds)[5/5]: The posters fit well enough. At first glance, I thought it would be one of those romance stories, where the girl leaves the boy or something. I really do like the little sentence on your poster. 'There is no remedy for love, but to love more.' I also really liked the colors displayed on the poster. It's appealing to the readers eyes, and it makes them want to find out more about the story.
Description & Foreword [8/10]: The description could've been better, but I liked it. While I was reading the description, I had one question in mind. "She's getting advice from her crush?" It made me really curious, so I had to read the story. Good job.
Plot and Characters[23/30]: The plot wasn't the most original thing I've read, but it isn't to cliche like other romance fanfics. What I thought was interesting was that Luhan and Yoona were somehow always near each other, giving that 'destined to be with her/him' feel. I thought the plot could've been a little more interesting if you put some sort of love triangle between the main character or a good cliffhanger. It could give readers something to wait for, and keep them on their toes. On the characters, I thought the characters were great! A suggestion I should make is that, I saw that you tried incoorperating all of SNSD members into this story. You shouldn't add so many characters in the story unless, they're making a breif cameo in the story, or they have a great significance in the stoty. Otherwise it'll make your story jumbled up.
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Word Chose[18/25]: Ok, I'm not so much of a grammar nazi, but I found multiple mistakes. You have an issue with past and present tense verbs. For example: Yoona shook her head. "It's okay. I don't wanna see them. I should finished this assignment first". Finished is a past tense verb, and in your sentence it should be used as present tense: "I should finish this assignment first." I saw mulitple sentences that had that problem in particular throughout the story, but son't worry they can be easily fixed.
Another problem I saw that some of your sentences had improper usage of reflexive pronouns in a sentence. For example: "Err..I'm sorry, I think you should hang yourslef first because I didn't write mine yet." Yoona said.
The problem with that it's suppose to be 'yours'. If you used 'yourself' in that sentence, it seems like you're saying 'hang yourself and die'. So it is crucial to have the right pronouns in proper place.
Your punctuation is actually very good. Great job. Onto your word choice. You used great discriptive words, so I can picture the scene in my head. Some words could've been upgraded to better words, but overall you did great. You're overall grammar and spelling is pretty good, even though your native language isn't English.
Flow[7/10]: I thought that it went a little too fast. First we start off with a good start with Yoona accesing Star Post, but all of a sudden we go on a NASCAR trip. Yoona, finds out Luhan is behind it, and then she confesses. I think you should give the character a little more time to develop and bond before making them confess like that.
Overall Enjoyment[12/15]: I liked the story overall. Even though I had to read some sentences a few times, I enjoyed it once I got passed the little mistakes here and there. I noticed that some of your fanfics are based on mangas or anime? I rarely read fanfics that are based on things like that, but your story is pretty good. To tell you the truth, I fangirled a couple of times, when Luhan would smile at Yoona. ^^
Grade: 77% or C+
*I'm sorry if I seem harsh in this reveiw..^^' I'm actually really nice, but when I reveiw stories, my inner reveiwer comes out and it blocks out my nice and fluffy side. Anways, I'm honored that my first reveiw on AFF is your story ^^. I enjoyed your story!*
Reviewed By: MissPanda15
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