Story being reviewed: Sometimes letting go is not the answer

Author: Mikomi

Reviewer: tillynilly

Extra info: "English isn't my first language and I'm only fifteen, so don't expect too much of me."

First Impressions: [11/15] -4 because of the mediocre title and poster

Title: The title is okay. It doesn't particularly draw me in but it doesn't repel me either. Please properly capitalize the title -- "Sometimes Letting Go is Not the Answer". I like that you've taken a cliche saying and twisted it into something quite the opposite. I love those kinds of titles. <3 And the title does relate to the fic, which is always a good thing.

Description/Foreword: Your description is intriguing. It makes me wonder what's going to happen to the two men, and which of them was hurt. (Before actually reading the fic, I thought that one of the guys was going to die.) And don't worry about the foreword. I agree that it is not necessary to have one when you're only writing a oneshot. However, I think that the very first sentence is awkwardly worded. Try rearranging the words so that it reads, "It's kind of ironic that it happened exactly five years after we got together." The flow of that sentence is nicer, in my opinion.

Appearance: The pictures of the poster are nice, but the line at the bottom is hard to read, grammatically incorrect, and nonsensical. I suggest shortening it down to just, "Memories can't be erased." The short phrase adds intrigue and sums up the fic in a concise way. The other line of words squeezed in the same box as your authorship credit is not needed, and doesn't add anything worthwhile to the poster or the story. All the smaller sized letters on the poster are difficult to see/read. The black color on a dark and cloudy background also adds to the difficulty. The background and font of your story are fine.

Substance: [14/15] -1 for characters lacking some personality

Plot: The plot was interesting. The memory loss idea may be common and unbelievable, but the explaantion you give in the story makes the whole situation somewhat logical to readers. The drama of the fic is entertaining as well. The inward reflection-style narration is pulled off quite well. I seriously thought it was going to be super sad up the end, but the final scene surprised me.

Characters: You don't really describe the characters much but for their relationships with one another, but that's okay because I'm more lenient to character development in oneshots. However, I feel like I know more about Donghae's mother than Hae and Eunhyuk. I don't really get a good grip on the guys' personalities.

The Nitty-Gritty: [9/15] -6 # because of the inconsistent verb tenses and slightly repetitive word choice

Mechanics: Your vocabulary was mature and understandable, but repetitive at times. I noticed some grammar mistakes, and a couple (but not many) typos. Let me point out that there were numerous occasions of verbs that did not exactly correspond to their subject. Plural vs. singular is important. However, your fic is not so bad that it is not understandable. I actually found myself, a major grammar freak, being able to follow along the story without too much trouble. The errors were minor and sparsely scattered, but it was enough to get my radar beeping. I suggest asking a trusted reader/writer to beta read the fic for you, making adjustments to the grammar problems here and there. Just a little tweaking can make your fic a lot more enjoyable.

Consistency/Flow: I think your story flows pretty well together, not pacing too fast nor dragging on too much. The one thing that really miffed me about the fic was the scene towards the end, where Hyukjae's narration talks about the "now", when Donghae is standing in front of him. When switching from past to present time, you need to make your your verbs match with the time period in which you are situating the scene. An event of the past requires a verb in the preterite, or past tense, and an event happening right now in the present needs a progressive, present-tense verb.

The Critics: [5/5]

Public Opinion: Reading the comments, it seems like you've made your readers really feel your writing. They were able to get so into the fic to the point of actually feeling for the characters. Good job!

Author Integrity: Uh, I'm not sure where I was going when I made up this section, but think of it as free bonus points. :D

Reviewer Enjoyment Level: Despite the countless grammar errors, I really did enjoy reading this fic. This whole time I sensed a sort of build up to the end, but I was still pleasantly surprised at what happened (and who showed up) at the last scene. I normally don't go for angsty or fics, but I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed this. Thanks for writing a wonderful fic! +4 points for making me enjoy an angsty, fic despite the number of errors.

Grade: 42/50 = 84% = B

Reviewer Notes:

I'm terribly sorry this review may seem quite overdue. The shop has been quite busy, and I only just recently picked up your request. I hope you'll still take my advice! Have confidence in your writing! You have great potential, since you are able to already play with the emotions of many readers. I'm jealous of your talent~ ^.^

~tillynilly

@ Kimchi Dumplings ~