I was never the affectionate type of person. My longest relationship lasted for one month. My shortest, however, was an hour when I was in high school. My parents understood that I’m not the type of person to hug them or to offer them comfort. They were happy with my regular visits and subtle ways of telling them that I appreciate their efforts of raising me.

            I decided to become a structural engineer, not because I’m good with math but because I knew I wouldn’t have interacted often with people who want affection. And truthfully, I really am good with math, just saying. I can hide from the world. I can hide my unaffectionate self. I can mask it with indifference.

            Though, even with this façade I still managed to make friends with a monkey-like guy from the dance club of my high school. His name is Lee Eunhyuk and he’s my complete opposite. He is friendly and affectionate, unlike me.

            He didn’t break my shell because there’s nothing to break, but he did manage to come closer to me. Unlike other people, he didn’t expect anything from me.

            We met for the first time in the faculty. It wasn’t a very good first impression on his part, because the teacher was scolding him about his grades deflating. I’m not one to eavesdrop, but the teacher was very keen on humiliating him that he shouted everything out loud just to ‘emphasize’ his point. I wanted to interrupt, but when I saw Eunhyuk still smiling sheepishly, I changed my mind.

            After class, I headed straight to the library. I usually stayed there till closing time. The librarian   didn’t mind. Upon entering the spacious room, I spotted a bundle of blonde hair which was unusual. Usually, it was just me and the librarian.

            I took a seat a little further away from the unidentified blonde person after I grabbed a book I hadn’t read yet. It was completely silent until I heard the shuffling sound of chairs. I looked up and found him smiling at me.

            “You’re Kyuhyun, right?”

            I nodded. I knew that I’m good looking, but he really made me want to punch him in the face. Why was he smiling at me that much? It was creepy.

            “Can you teach me math?” Well, that was new. Nobody ever wanted to ask me to teach them things because they were scared of me. Why exactly, I didn’t know either.

           “Ask another person. I’m not interested,” I blew him off. I resumed reading my book but he grabbed my hand.

            “Please? Please, Kyuhyun? I need to get my grades up in order to compete. My team needs me. Please, Kyuhyun? You’re my only hope!” He looked like a lost puppy with that expression of his.

            “Try going to the mathletes,”I suggested.

            He slowly retracted his hands and lightly scratched his cheek. He laughed awkwardly before clearing his throat. “They, uhm… they… they’ve given up on me. They said I’m hopeless—that I can’t pass this subject no matter what I do.”

            “… Before you get your hopes up, I’m not doing this because I pity you. I’m doing this because I want to prove those mathletes wrong. We’ll start tomorrow—same time, same place. Now leave,” I instructed. I needed my peace.

            “You’re really willing to help me? Seriously? I’m not dreaming, am I?” I just rolled my eyes at him and continued reading. And that’s how our friendship started.

.: | :.

            Eunhyuk managed to graduate high school thanks to me. Indeed, he at math but he wasn’t as hopeless as like the mathletes claimed him to be. He was a willing student. I was quite amazed that he put up with me and my methods of teaching.

            He tried his best to talk to me every time he saw me and he would neglect his friends just to sit with me at the cafeteria table. Sometimes, he would drag Donghae with him.

            Donghae is the guy Eunhyuk fell head over heels for. He always pursued him in the most idiotic ways possible. I’m happy that they’re finally together now, after years of chasing after each other.

            Eunhyuk and Donghae now own a dance school together not too far from where I currently live. It became really famous because the teachers there are very dedicated to their job. I visited one time only, and it resulted in me being forced to dance in front of the students. Humiliation at its best.

            When I went home one day, I found a kid, approximately five years old, sitting on my porch. The kid was hugging its knees close to its chest. There was a small bag beside him and he was clutching something dearly. I cautiously walked towards my door as not to startle the kid. Upon hearing my footsteps, he immediately raised his head and looked at me. I stared back at him with the same curiosity.

            “Who are you?” I asked.

            “Jongwoon,” he answered.

            “What are you doing here at this hour? Won’t your parents be worried about you?” Not that I cared. It’s just that, I didn’t want to babysit a kid. He started to cry. Now what did I had to do? His cries became louder and louder, so I kneeled in front of him as I called Eunhyuk.

            “Hyuk, I need help.”

            “Kyuhyun? Why do I hear someone crying? Where are you?”

            “I’m in front of my house but there’s a kid here and he’s crying. What do I do?”

            “Hug him. Try to soothe him until he calms down, then get him inside. It’s cold tonight. We’ll come over.” It was Donghae who answered me then they hung up on me. What did I have to do next? How could I initiate the hug? I scratched my head as I tried to come up with a way to do this. What does Eunhyuk usually do to have Donghae come running towards him? Oh, right. He opens his arms wide.

            “H-hey k-kid. C-come h-here,” I called out to him with my arms wide open. The kid looked up and launched himself at me, making me almost lose my balance. He cried on my chest as I awkwardly wrapped my arms around him. This kid was so tiny in my arms.

            “I’m taking you inside ok? It’s cold out here.” I needed to explain because if I didn’t, he might think I’m a e when clearly I’m not. I opened the door and I carried him and our stuff, with much difficulty, inside and dropped our things somewhere before I sat down on the sofa with the kid sitting on my lap. I removed my arms around him because I still felt awkward with the whole hugging… thing. He was still crying and he was clutching my shirt. His wails turned into sobs as Donghae and Eunhyuk came.

            “Hey Kyu. Is that the kid?” Eunhyuk asked as he sat down on the couch beside Donghae. I just nodded in response.

            “What’s your name, dear?” Donghae asked in a comforting tone. The kid looked up from my chest and turned his head sideways.

            “Kim Jongwoon,” he answered timidly.

            “My name is Donghae and this is Eunhyuk. The man holding you right now is Kyuhyun,” Donghae introduced us. The kid looked up at me with an unreadable expression.

            “What brings you here, kid?” Eunhyuk asked. The kid tightened his hold on my shirt and he started trembling. I watched as Donghae and Eunhyuk panicked. I don’t know why they were panicking and I didn’t know why the kid was trembling either. What was I going to do now?

            “Jongwoon, what’s wrong?” Eunhyuk asked.

            “M-my m-mom l-left m-me h-here,” he hiccupped. Oh, an abandoned kid? “S-she s-said to g—give y-you t-this,” he handed me the letter he was clutching earlier. The kid, Jongwoon, hid his face on my chest. I looked at the couple and they had this worried expression on their face. They urged me to open the letter and so I did.

 

Kyuhyun,

I think it's about time you know that during that one month we were together, you got me pregnant. I wanted to tell you but... well, I decided against it. If you couldn't show any affection to me when we're together, you wouldn't be able to show it to your child either.

I loved you so much Kyu, but I don't think you felt the same. I'm going to marry someone now and I want to start fresh. I don't want to send him to an orphanage, so I just decided to leave him with you. Good luck with him. Oh, and here's an invitation as well.If you have time, please attend but don't bring the kid with you.

Kim Taeyeon

            I had gotten her pregnant? But the last time I had seen her was when we were still in Junior High and that was more than five years ago. This kid looks like five. Donghae took the letter from me and read it along with Eunhyuk. They seemed irritated but I decided to ignore it.

            “How old are you?”

            “I-I’m f-five,” he answered. We stared at each other and I saw a lot of similarities I have with him. There was a lot because he’d gotten most of his features from me, I think. Jongwoon was still crying and I had no idea how to make him stop.

            “You have got to be kidding me,” I heard Eunhyuk suddenly exclaimed, making both me and the kid jump. I looked at them and I saw them switching their gaze from the kid to me.

            “Now that I look closer, he does look like you. Are you sure that’s your kid? Do you want to confirm it first?” Eunhyuk asked. I looked down on Jongwoon who was looking up at me expectantly.

            “Honestly? I have no idea either. I’m tired and I need a bath. Plus, I have no idea how to be a dad,” I ran a hand through my hair. I felt the kid tightening his hold on my shirt and he started sobbing again.

            “What’s wrong, Jongwoon?” Donghae asked on a motherly tone.

            “Please don’t leave me too,” he whispered. I heard it clearly but I don’t think the couple did. Donghae asked him again but the kid shook his head and continued crying.

            “Kyuhyun! Console him!” Eunhyuk mouthed. I raised an eyebrow at him. They demonstrated on how to do it and as embarrassing as it looked, I gave it a try. Again, I wrapped my arms around the kid and lightly patted his head.

            “There, there. Don’t cry anymore,” I read monotonously from the paper the couple was holding up for me to read. Jongwoon stopped crying and looked up at me.

            “D-daddy, I-I’m h-hungry,” he mumbled. Daddy? Oh, right, I’m his father. Taeyeon must’ve told him about me. I saw the couple biting back a laugh.

            “Go cook something, Kyu. We’ll babysit your son while you destroy the kitchen,” the couple teased. I unwrapped my arms from him and tried to stand up. Instead of jumping down from my lap, Jongwoon wrapped his tiny arms around my neck as well as his tiny legs around my waist.

            “Hey kid, you should let go. I need to cook.”

            “No! Don’t leave me, please daddy?” I sighed.

            “Fine. But you can’t cling on to me like some koala bear,” he smiled. A genuine smile. Aside from the two idiots sitting on my couch, nobody had ever flashed me a genuine smile before. The kid leaned forward and kissed me on my lips.

            “Thank you, daddy!” He exclaimed with a chuckle while I sat there completely dumbfounded. “Let’s go daddy! I want eggs!”

            I stood up and headed towards the kitchen. I dropped the kid off on the island counter as I tried to find some eggs. Donghae and Eunhyuk followed and sat down beside Jongwoon.

            “Kyuhyun, are you sure you know how to cook?” Donghae asked.

            “Obviously. I attended culinary class in order to suffice myself. Mom doesn’t like it if I order take out,” I answered while batting an egg. I baked/boiled the egg and ignored the conversation behind me. I tried to make enough food for four people even though I was really tired from the previous activity these two made me do.

            I’m wondering how I could manage taking care of this kid. Why did she leave this kid to me when I can’t even take care of my own parents? This kid would eventually leave me too because he wouldn’t be able to stand my indifference, just like his mother. It broke my heart when she told me I wasn’t good enough and that I couldn’t take good care of her. She also told me that I didn’t loved her as much as she loved me. That was bull. I did love her. I really did, but I am just incapable of expressing feelings.

.: | :.

            “We’re going now Kyu. Take care of little Jongwoonie here, okay? We’ll be back tomorrow to pester you,” with that, the couple finally left. I looked down and sighed. Now what do I do to this koala kid?

            “Do you really have to cling onto me like that? I know my legs are long…”

            “Daddy will leave me if I let go just like how Mommy did,” I sighed. Damn Taeyeon for inflicting fear on this kid.

           “Let go. I need to take a bath,” I wiggled my leg but this kid is stubborn. He even tightened his hold on my leg.

            “Can I take a bath with you?” I sighed again and picked him up. “Thank you, daddy.”

            “Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”

            The bath was awkward. I have been feeling awkward with this kid ever since I laid my eyes on him. He’s too bubbly to be my kid and he’s too innocent. I wondered how Taeyeon raised him. What happened to her during these past five years?

            I watched him as he played with the bubbles and made weird hairstyles. He kept laughing and smiling at me. He even calls out my name for attention, even though I’ve been staring at him the whole time. What do I do with this kid? Do I really have to put up with him? I wonder how my life will change after this.

            “Daddy?”

            “Hmmm?”

            “I love you,” I was taken aback by his words. I was still recovering from shock when he threw his arms around me and hugged me tight. “I really love you daddy,” he whispered. I relaxed my body which I didn’t know was stiff and I allowed him to hug me. I had the feeling that my life wouldn’t be the same anymore.

.: | :.

            “Here’s your room. If you need anything, I’ll just be across the hall. Go to sleep now kid,” I ordered. I went to my room as soon as I said those words. I’m so exhausted mentally and physically that the moment I hit my bed, I was out.

            The next morning, I woke up later than usual. Maybe it was due to the exhaustion of last night. Good thing I don’t haveany projects to finish, or else my supervisor would have killed me. I got up and changed into my workout clothes. I always run every morning to keep my body in shape. Actually, Eunhyuk advised me to run every morning so that I won’t look like a walking stick.

            I looked at my clock and saw it was already 6 in the morning. It’s no longer a good time to run because the sun is already rising. I hate the sun and I want to avoid it as much as possible. I have no choice, though. If I miss this run, Eunhyuk will kill me. He’ll have me do strenuous training for a week and it will leave me immobilized for at least two weeks.

            I usually don’t pay much attention to my surroundings, but somehow today I find it odd that the moment I passed by the park, I saw a lot of children. Am I missing something? They were all running around the park, playing and what-not. Maybe I’m just too exhausted that I’m noticing a lot of things I usually miss out on. I’d better return home.

            I don’t know why I’m feeling nervous. It’s like I forgot something important. What would it be? I know I haven’t opened the stove nor did I leave the water running. So why am I running like a mad man right now?

            I hurriedly opened the door and heard someone crying. Why is there someone crying in my house? I cautiously walked towards the living room and found a ball of cloths on the sofa. I tilted my head in confusion. A ball of cloths? Isn’t that my shirt? If I remember correctly, it wasn’t there before? Why is it shaking? I stealthily walked closer to my shirt and saw a bundle of black hair. Then it hit me. I’d forgotten that there was a kid staying at my house.

            “Hey,” I proclaimed. He sat up and the next thing I knew he was hugging my leg tightly. I sat down on the floor and he moved up to hug me.

          “Daddy, why did you leave me? I promise I’ll be good. Please don’t leave me,” what’s with this kid’s mentality? What did Taeyeon do to her child? How exactly did she raise him?

            How do I calm a crying kid again? I ran a hand through my hair in annoyance. This kid’s wailing is driving me insane.

            “Hey, kid. Stop crying. You’re destroying my eardrums,” the kid’s cries immediately halted. Good. My ears are safe for now. Or maybe not. “Don’t cry again. It’s annoying, and aren’t you supposed to be a man? I don’t like to see your tears, understood?”

            The kid was covering his mouth with his little hands to control his sobbing. He wasn’t looking at me but I knew he heard me because he nodded.

            “Go wash your face while I prepare breakfast.”

            He ran upstairs, hands still covering his mouth. Did I went too far? This is frustrating. It’s so early in the morning yet I have to think about unnecessary things. I stood up while I scratched my head. This isn’t going to be a good day.

.: | :.

            I saw the kid hanging his head low as I placed the food filled plates on the table. I don’t know what he usually eats so I just cooked eggs again and I made us some orange juice.

            “Eat up, kid.”

            He picked up the chopsticks from the table but he refused to look at me. We ate breakfast in silence, while I observe him. This kid’s so tiny and fragile. He clings to me like some koala bear and he’s afraid to be left alone. Yesterday he was lively but now he acts like a robot. I can never understand kids and women. I know we did it but I never knew she’d conceive this tiny guy.

            “Good morning, father and son! How’s your sleep?” Donghae greeted from the front door along with Eunhyuk.

            “Uncle Donghae! Uncle Eunhyuk!” The kid ran happily towards them. Donghae lifted him up and they both giggled. Why can’t Donghae be the kid’s father instead? I bet he’ll be awesome. As for me? I don’t think I qualify. The kid’s reaction was nowhere like that when he saw me.

            “Are you sulking?”

            “Huh?” I asked Eunhyuk as I cleaned up the dining table. He has that same gummy smile whenever he teases me. I tried to not look at him too often. I almost punched his face back in high school because of that annoying grin of his.

            “I asked if you’re sulking,” he repeated.

            “Why would I sulk?”

            “True. I guess you’re not yet comfortable about the fact that you’re a father now.”

            I turned my back at him and started washing the dishes. “Obviously. I’m not used to having someone to take care of.”

            “No. You’re not used to have someone in your life. I think having this kid with you would change you for the better—if not completely, maybe just for a bit. You may find it hard at first but if you put in a lot of effort, you can do it,” I turned to face him and I saw him smiling lightly at me.

            “What if I can’t do it, Hyuk?  What if I don’t do a good job? What if I fail and he ends up being a rebel? I don’t want that kid to blame me when he’s grown up.” I sighed. I won’t be a good father to that kid. He’ll end up hating me in the end.

            “That kid happens to be your son. Learn to accept him as your kid like he accepts you as his father. He wouldn’t blame you if you have to put in a lot of effort—nobody will. Besides, Donghae and I will always be here to support you.”

            I didn’t answer. What was I supposed to say? I resumed washing the dishes. I can hear laughter in the living room as well as Jongwoon’s voice. He seems lively.

            After washing the dishes, I headed upstairs to take a shower. I feel really sticky right now. I should’ve taken a bath earlier, before cooking breakfast. Damn it.

            I had a quick shower and then headed to my office to see if there were any projects that I had overseen. I was so busy looking at the designs and checking if they’re correct that I failed to notice someone walking in.

            “Daddy,” I jumped slightly when I saw the kid standing next to me.

            “What is it?”

            “I… uhm…” he mumbled. He was fidgeting with what he wanted to say. I grew impatient since my spare time is limited.

            “Say what you have to say. I’m busy.”

            “N-neverm-mind. I’m s-sorry f-for d-disturbing y-you.” He dashed away towards the door, leaving me confused. What was that all about? Why did he look so scared anyway? I really should stop thinking about the kid.

            I finished all the work around dinnertime. I stretched my body and moved my neck a little. Damn, I’m so stiff; even my hurts. I went down to the kitchen to grab something to eat when I suddenly felt like I forgot something again. I have this feeling a lot lately and I have no idea why.

            I passed by the living room and saw my shirt curled into a ball on my couch. This felt like a déjà vu, only this time, I don’t hear any crying. Oh, ! The kid! I forgot about the kid! Damn!

            “Hey, kid. Wake up,” he rolled over and almost fell off the couch. Good thing I manage to catch him on time. He groaned a little then rubbed his eyes with his tiny little fists. He yawned and blinked, then stretched.

            “Hi, Daddy. Are you still busy?” I shook my head, ignoring the slight painful feeling in my chest. “Can I go outside?”

            “It’s already late kid. How about tomorrow?” He looked dejected at first but then his mouth formed into a smile. Is this kid bipolar or something? Or maybe it’s a kid’s thing. I’m confused.

            “Okay. Thank you, daddy!” He hugged me again and pulled away when I didn’t hug him back. We sat in the couch not knowing what to say. I’m not really one to make conversation with another human being. Eunhyuk and Donghae are an exception, of course. They pester me if I don’t answer them. The silence was uncomfortable and I can see Jongwoon fidgeting on his seat. The silence was broken when I heard a stomach growl.

            “Let’s go grab something to eat,” I stood up and he followed. I prepared something light for the both of us. I saw from the corner of my eyes that he was looking around the kitchen as he swayed his legs because the chair was too big for him to be able to touch the ground with his feet. Tiny. This kid is so tiny. I still doubt if I can take care of him.

            “Uncle Donghae said I should give this to you,” he said as he handed me a folded letter. I read it silently as I drink my glass of orange juice. The kid continued eating with his head hung low. Why do I notice a lot of things about this kid, anyway?

            “Do you want to go to school?”

            “C-can I?”

            “I think so. They’ve already enrolled you anyway. Classes start on Monday.”         

            They really did enroll the kid and they wrote that they’re going to deliver the school uniform tomorrow. I also should take him out for shopping. I have no idea how to shop. They usually buy clothes for me while I just tag along. I sighed. Tomorrow is going to be a hectic day.

.: | :.

            “Daddy, where are we going?”

            Right now, the kid is sitting in the back seat of my car. We’re heading towards the mall to buy some stuff for him. Eunhyuk apologized to me that he couldn’t accompany me, while Donghae said that this is a perfect opportunity for me to get closer to the kid. They instructed me on what to buy, and I decided to list it down in case I would forget.

            “Mall. I need to buy some things,” I looked at my rear view mirror and saw him ogling at the buildings. He looked so lost and so… child-like, looking at it. It makes me wonder how I used to act when I was still a kid.

            The drive towards the mall was quiet and peaceful. It felt like I didn’t have anyone with me, which was good, I think. I’ve always been like this before the kid came into my life. Why I haven’t rejected him yet, or why I haven’t sent him away yet is beyond me. I sighed as I parked the car.

            While we walked towards the mall, he reached for my hand, which made me stop. He reluctantly let go and bowed his head.

            “I’m sorry daddy. It won’t happen again,” he mumbled. It’s not that I don’t like it. I was just surprised. Eunhyuk is the only person who can hold my hand. My ex-girlfriends always had to think of a new way to do it. Sometimes it was subtle, sometimes it was bold. No matter what tactic they used though, they always failed. I sighed. I turned a corner and saw a clothing store. Might as well start there first.

            “Good morning, sir! How may I help you?” A sales lady with an annoying smile asked. This is one of the reasons why I hate shopping. Sales ladies are the worst. They show up when you don’t need them and they’re nowhere in sight when you do. Good thing she’s here now though. I have no idea what to buy for the kid.

            “I need to buy clothes for this kid,” I reached for Jongwoon behind me. The kid looked at the woman curiously before flashing a smile.

            “I see. Your son, I suppose?” I guess so. I nodded at the woman. “Come here, sweetie. Let’s see what we can find, okay?” The woman took the kid’s hand while the latter just smiled at her. I sighed. What’s with me and sighing these days? I shook my head and followed after them.

            She was busily picking out which clothes to give to the kid, while I just sat on a chair watching them. I kept on yawning while the kid looked bored out of his mind. Shopping? Definitely a woman’s thing. The kid looked at me and smiled. I think I smiled back because there was this startled look on his face before he smiled again.

           After three hours of just sitting there and letting the woman do all the work, she finally allowed us to leave. I paid for the expenses and gave the sales lady a huge tip. Her efforts were highly appreciated, because, if I was the one buying this kid’s clothes, we’ll leave with a lot of different clothing of which some would be either too big or too small for him.

            We left the clothes shop with three bags full of clothing. Next stop, lunch. I heard the kid’s stomach growl and I’m hungry as well. Waiting for them to finish really made me hungry. I looked around the area to search for a nice restaurant for us to go to. As soon as I spotted a nice restaurant, I asked the waiter for a reservation before I looked behind me to find that the kid is gone.

            Oh !

            I asked the waiter to look after the clothes filled bags as I go search for the kid. How in the world did I lose him? I know he was following me just now, so how did I manage to lose him? God damn it! I ran around frantically, trying to spot a small kid with black hair and a huge forehead, but it was in vain. I tried heading back to the store we went to buy his clothes earlier, but they told me they hadn’t seen him. ! Where is he?!

            I ran around the mall again. I asked some security guards if they’d spotted a kid and told them to call me whenever they did. I’m starting to get nervous now. I’ve never felt this nervous before. Where is he? Where are you, Jongwoon? Where the are you?!

            I stopped when I saw a man pulling a crying kid harshly. There appears that pain in my chest again. I know that this guy is pulling Jongwoon and that the latter is crying. I don’t know what went through me and I’m not even sure how I managed to do it but I did. I landed a punch on the man’s jaw, making him fall backwards on his .

            “What the man? What was that for?!” The man shouted. I have no idea either but I won’t say that out loud. I might get into even more trouble than I already am, if I open my mouth.

            “Daddy!” The kid cried and launched himself towards me. I picked him up and patted his back.

            “If I see your face again, you’re dead.”

            I turned my back at the man and walked away with the kid in my arms. Feeling my legs shaking, I decided to sit down on a bench located by the indoor fountain. I wanted to check the kid to see if he was hurt, but I saw him covering his mouth with both his hands.

            “Are you alright?” I asked him. He didn’t open his eyes but he nodded. I pried away his hands and saw him trembling. “Were you scared?” Again, he nodded but avoided looking at me. “Look at me.” I lifted his chin up with my index finger and stared him in the eyes. He looked so fragile and scared and I can see there were tears dropping from his eyes. I feel that pain in my chest increasing rapidly. What do I do now? What was I supposed to do in a situation like this anyway? Eunhyuk, where are you when I need you?

            “Aww, why is this cute little kid crying?” I looked up and saw an elderly couple. They were smiling at the kid and they gave him a lollipop. The kid accepted it with a smile and happily ate it.

            “Uhm, t-thank you ma’am. I… I don’t know w-what to do to make him stop,” I said sincerely. Jongwoon didn’t seem to hear because the grandpa was happily playing with him.

            “That’s alright, dear. Still not used to being a father?” The grandmother asked, as he took a seat next to me. I scratched my head a little and nodded. I must be blushing right now.

            “I see,” she took my hand and held it gently, yet firmly. “Take your time understanding him. I know it’ll be hard but perseverance takes you a long way. You have a nice handsome young boy. Treat him well. I know you’ll learn on the way because I can see you’re an intelligent young man.”

            She patted my hand and they both left. Now, that was… sweet. Confusing… but sweet. I looked at Jongwoon and saw him staring at me. He smiled at me and I did something I never knew I’d do. I pinched his cheeks making him giggle. Maybe being a father wasn’t so bad after all.

            I stood up and walked towards the restaurant I spotted earlier. I reached out for his hand and we walked side by side.

.: | :.

            “Now that was some experience. You’re getting the hang of it, Kyu! In a matter of weeks you’ll be a full-fledged father! I’m so proud of you!” Eunhyuk patted my back. It has been a week since the incident happened. Why was he even praising me? Didn’t he know that the kid had almost gotten kidnapped because of my recklessness?

            “Why are you even proud of him, you stupid monkey? He almost lost his son!” Donghae screeched. Now that is the reaction I was hoping for. “And you! What were you thinking? Why didn’t you hold Jongwoon’s hand in the first place, huh? He’s a kid. A kid! Do have to spell it out for you, huh? I pity the kid for having a stupid father like you,” he pinched the bridge of his nose.

            “I was thinking the same thing,” I mumbled.

            “Don’t think like that, Kyu. We all know how awkward you were in the beginning, but this is a nice progress,” Eunhyuk patted my back a little too hard for comfort.

            “What progress are you talking about, monkey?”

            “This kangaroo-”Oh, so I’m a kangaroo. What’s Jongwoon then? A koala bear? “-doesn’t let anybody invade his personal space. He doesn’t even allow people to hold his hand, let alone hug him. Do you get my point now, Nemo?” I sighed when Donghae shook his head. This guy is supposed to be my friend, yet he doesn’t understand or know a single thing about me.

            “I thought hugging him was normal because he lets you do it too. And what does that have to do with Jong- Oh. Oh.OH!Now I get it! You really are making progress! I never thought the day would come when the insensitive kangaroo would become so affectionate. I guess blood ties are strong,” Donghae clasped his hands as he batted his eyelashes at me, making Eunhyuk laugh. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think this guy is a woman. I sighed as I took a sip from my wine.

            “How’s the kid by the way?” Eunhyuk asked.

            “He’s doing well in school. The teachers told me he’s not a problem child.”

            “How about at home? Do you guys even talk?” The fish asked. I shook my head as I emptied my glass and poured some more.

            “You don’t talk?” They asked in unison.

            “What do we have to talk about? I’m not used to having people inside my house much less talk to them.”

            “And I thought you were making progress. It seems we were wrong once again. Do we have to come to your house again to entertain him?” Donghae asked, irritated. His mood swings really tick me off. One moment he’s happy and the next he’s angry. Eunhyuk, how can you put up with this man? Is love really that blindingly?

            “I need to go now. Jongwoon might go and look for me.” I finished my glass of wine hastily and then stood up.

            “Oh, come on. The kid is probably asleep by now. Sit down. I still need to fill that head of yours with information on how to take care of a child,” Donghae glared at me as he pushed me back down on my seat. I saw Eunhyuk smiling as he patted his lover’s shoulder.

            “Let him go, Hae. He has better things to do. Go now, Kyu,” knowing Donghae, I only have ten minutes before he comes running after me. Though, if he’s distracted enough, I might have up to 20 minutes. Ten minutes is enough for me to disappear from this place and to drive back home.

            I checked my watch and I noticed it’s already 10:23 PM. I should’ve been sleeping by now, yet here I am, driving in the middle of the night. I made a stop at an intersection and looked around. I spotted a toy claw machine in front of an antique shop. I drummed the steering wheel, trying to decide whether to check it out or not.

            What the hell, there’s no harm in checking, right? I parked my car on the sidewalk and approached the machine. What do you know? There’s a koala bear inside. I played and tried my best to get the only koala toy. After three tries, I managed to get it. I smiled as I looked at it, before returning to my car.

            I arrived at my house but the lights were switched on. What the hell? Why is it on? If I remember correctly, I switched everything off before I left. It’s either because Jongwoon is awake or someone’s inside the house. Upon opening the front door, someone jumped me.

            “Daddy! Where have you been?” Jongwoon asked as he clings onto my leg. He really reminds me of a koala bear. Speaking of which…

            “Out with your uncles. By the way, I got you this,” I handed him the toy I’d won earlier. He reached for it and smiled widely.

            “Thank you, daddy! This is the best birthday gift ever! I love you daddy!” He hugged the toy as he tightened his hold on my leg. Birthday? Today is his birthday? How come I didn’t know? Ok, that was a stupid question.

            “Today is your birthday?” I knelt down and stared at him. He nodded at me while smiling. “You should’ve told me. I could’ve prepared something for you.”

            Hold up! Am I really saying all of these things? Am I sick? What’s happening to me? I don’t even celebrate my own birthday! No scratch that—I forget my own birthday. What’s the date today anyway? 24^th of August?

            “It’s alright daddy. I usually only get a kiss from grandma and grandpa,” I picked him up and walked towards the couch. He sat comfortably on my lap while I rested my left arm on the back rest and my right arm on his back. I watched him as he played with the toy.

            “What do you get from your mom?”

            “Nothing. I only get to see her when it’s Christmas. Mommy ignores me but her friend is scary.”

            “Ignore you? Her friend? What friend?” Taeyeon ignores her own child? What’s wrong with that woman? This kid is adorable yet she ignores him?

            “Her friend, who she brings along. He usually hits me when my grandparents aren’t around, saying that I’m a bastard. Daddy, what’s a bastard? Is it a good thing?” The ?! A bastard? He called Jongwoon a bastard? That son of a !

            “Daddy? Are you angry? Did I say something wrong? I’m sorry daddy! Please don’t hurt me,” he mumbled as he hung his head low.

            “Jongwoon, look at me.” He sniffed before he raised his head to look at me. “I will never hurt you so don’t be scared. I’m not angry at you but I’m angry with your mother’s friend. You are not a bastard, you are my…” He’s my what? I stared off into space, completely forgetting that Jongwoon was still sitting on my lap. What exactly was I going to say?

           “Daddy? Are you alright? Are you tired? Do you want to sleep?” Yeah, I think I’m tired. I need sleep right now. This might be because I’m too stressed. Yeah, that must be it.

            “Yeah, I’m tired. Let’s go to sleep?” Jongwoon smiled at me before he hopped off and ran upstairs. I stretched my arms and decided to tell the couple later about what Jongwoon had told me. Maybe they can help me understand his situation better. I sure hope so.

.: | :.

            I was about to switch off my lamp when my door opened. I saw Jongwoon by the door holding the toy I gave him.

            “What is it?”

            “C-can I s-sleep w-with y-you?” This kid. He never fails to catch me off guard. He asks the most surprising questions and does the most surprising acts. Hell, Eunhyuk can’t even do that! “I-it’s a-alright. I’m g-going t-to s-sleep i-in m-my b-bed. G-good n-night d-daddy.” And then he’ll assume that I’m angry or that I don’t like what he does. Seriously, he should’ve waited for me to refuse first before he walk away. I sighed.

            “Hey,” I called out, and motioned for him to come closer to me, which he did. He climbed onto my bed and sat down in front of me. “Is that your wish?”

            “What?”

            “I asked if that is your wish. Birthdays celebrants are granted one wish, right? That’s what your uncles do every time it’s their birthday,” I scratched my head. Are those two just playing with me? If so, then can I kill them tomorrow?

            “Can I have two wishes, please?” This kid’s getting greedy. A characteristic he hadn’t gottenfrom me. I’m not greedy. No, I’m absolutely not. Nu-uh. Yeah, Kyuhyun. Live in denial. That’s healthy.

            “As long as I can do it then… I guess, why not?”

           “My wish is that daddy let me sleep here and that he sings me a song,” he exclaimed. I smiled, or I think I did, and then nodded in agreement. He crawled towards me and wrapped my arms around him. He took my hands and played with it. “Daddy, are my hands ever going to grow this big?”

            “I think so. My hands used to be that small too,” He kept tracing the lines from my palms and even compared his hands to mine. His hands really are small, it made me chuckle. “Daddy, sing me a song.”

            “I’m not a good singer so bear with me ok?” He looked up and nodded enthusiastically. I cleared my throat a little. A kid won’t judge me right? Eunhyuk hasn’t even heard my voice yet but I think I’m going to make an exception. Here goes nothing.

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea

And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee,

Little Jackie Paper loved that rascal Puff,

And brought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff. Oh

            This is the song my foster parents used to sing to me when I was a kid—around Jongwoon’s age. They never failed to sing me this song. During their funeral, I sang this for them. They died in a plane crash before my 19^th birthday. Maybe that’s why I slept with Taeyeon. I was too depressed and she was there to provide me comfort. Damn.

            “Daddy, why are you crying?”

            “W-what? I-I’m not crying,” I whispered as I wiped away my tears. He got up and wrapped his arms around my neck. “W-what are y-you d-doing?”

            “Grandma used to do this whenever I cried. She told me that it’s okay to cry if you’re sad or hurt. Are you sad, daddy? Is that why you’re crying?” He pulled away from me and stared into my eyes. I can feel my eyes welling again. He is the exact definition of innocence and he sees right through me. This kid understands me. He understands me more than Eunhyuk has ever done.

            “Yeah, daddy is sad,” I admitted. He hugged me and let me bury my face on his small shoulder. I just cried in his arms while he patted my head. He even hummed a song for me. I guess the quotation ‘You’ll never know what you had till you lost it’ is true in every sense.

            We spent the next hour like that, and the next by just chatting. We slept around one in the morning. I felt guilty for having him stay up so late. We should chat more often.

.: | :.

            I woke up in the middle of the night by a loud booming sound coming from outside. Oh, right! There was supposed to be a storm this evening. I sat up and searched for the lamp switch. When I tried switching the lights on, it didn’t work. There must be a power failure too. The wind is strong so there’s a possibility that some trees are uprooted. I sighed.

            This is a great way to start off a month. I hate October because it usually starts with a storm. I ran a hand through my hair. Now how am I supposed to sleep? I bet I won’t be needed in the office tomorrow because of the storm and classes will be suspended. Wait, classes?

            Oh ! Jongwoon!

            I dashed towards Jongwoon’s room. I approached the bed and saw a small lump in the middle, which was shaking. If the thunder already makes me jump, how badly would a kid react?

            “Jongwoon. Jongwoon it’s me,” I whispered as I sat on his bed. He revealed his head from underneath the blanket and blinked at me. “Come here. Let’s sleep in my room.”

            He immediately launched himself at me and I carried him towards my room. The thunder boomed again as I walked, which made him tremble and tighten his hold on me. When we reached my room, I put him down on my bed. He immediately hid under my comforter and curled into a ball. I chuckled at the sight before I joined him.

            I was staring at the ceiling when the thunder boomed again. I felt Jongwoon jump slightly, and then inched closer to me. He was trembling really badly now, and out of instinct, I to my side and draped my arm around him. He moved even closer and buried his face in my chest.

            Since he kept trembling non-stop, I decided to sing him a song. I found this song on Eunhyuk’s playlist while I was browsing his iPod and have listened to it ever since. I had chuckled when I found a ballad on his playlist, which he’d denied when I accused him of it later on. The original singer of this song had a husky voice and I’d soon found myself in search of his songs. He was amazing. Even Eunhyuk and Donghae couldn’t believe that I became a fan of that singer.

            Anyways, Jongwoon stopped trembling and soon I heard soft snores. I know he was asleep but I kept singing for him. While singing, I kept rubbing his back gently and soon, I, too, fell asleep.

.: | :.

            It has been four months since I accepted the kid into my household. Taeyeon’s wedding was last November and I hadn’t attended it. I’d decided to visit her during Jongwoon’s upcoming winter break. I’m sort of excited and at the same time scared on how the whole reunion would turn out. What if Taeyeon hated me for getting her pregnant in the past? She was the one who broke up with me, though, so what’s the point of sulking? If I’d known back then, would I’ve stay with her? Would I’ve taken care of the kid together with her? There were too many questions, yet there are no answers. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep continuously for three weeks already. I should take a nap first. Yeah, that should do.

            I woke up startled when I heard the janitor entering my room. Janitor’s don’t enter offices unless it’s past office hours. Holy ! What time is it now? ! It’s already 9 PM! I still have to pick up Jongwoon!

            ! I’m so stupid! I shouldn’t have taken a nap. What if he was still there waiting for me? What if he’s outside of the school where he usually waits for me? No, that’s impossible. The teachers wouldn’t leave a kid unattended, especially at this time. I slammed my hand on the steering wheel in frustration as soon as I had entered the car. Please, please tell me he’s not outside. It’s too cold tonight and it, it’s even snowing! Damn! Damn! Damn!

            When I reached the school, I hurriedly hopped out of my car and searched the surroundings of the school. I even yelled his name with the hope that someone inside the nearby houses would’ve seen him. I spotted a guard and asked him if a kid is still inside the school, but he answered with a no. Where is he? Home! He must be at home.

            “Please be inside! Please be inside!” These three words have become my mantra. I just need him to be inside so he’ll at least be warm. I kept fidgeting and I’m feeling nervous again all of a sudden. Something’s wrong. Something is definitely wrong. Please be inside, kid. It’s cold outside, so please be inside.

           When I reached the driveway, my heart nearly fell. There he was. Out on the porch curled up into a ball. ! ! ! I went out of the car without turning off the engine and ran towards him. No please. Not him, please.

            I reached for him and took him into my arms. He feels cold—too cold. “Jongwoon,” I patted his cheeks in an attempt to wake him up but he doesn’t budge. “Jongwoon,” I called again but there is still no response. “Jongwoon please open your eyes. Please open your eyes, Jongwoon. You can’t leave me!” I cried. I kept on patting his cheek but my effort is futile; his eyes remained closed. I wiped away my tears and pressed my ear against his chest. I can still hear it. It’s faint, but I can hear it. His heartbeat is still there. He’s not dead yet!

            “Don’t worry, baby. Daddy’s going to save you. Daddy will save you, I promise,” I carried him and took him to my car. I switched on the hazard warning lights and sped away towards the hospital. I know I’m not much of a believer but if God really does exist, please save my son. He doesn’t deserve to die. Please, I’m begging you. Don’t take my son away from me!

            My tears kept falling unstoppably as I prayed and prayed for Jongwoon’s health. I kept repeating the same mantra over and over again. I saw a police car following me but I didn’t care. I have to save my son’s life no matter what. I saw traffic build up about 50 meters in front of me and I decided to honk my horn. I can’t waste my time here. I need to save my son. I need to-

            I looked to my right and saw the police car that had started to trail me a while ago. There were two police officers sitting inside. The one nearest to me asked signed me to roll down my window, and so I did.

            “Hospital?” He asked. I don’t trust my voice so I just nodded. “Follow us to avoid this mess,” he ordered. Is this a miracle? Is this really a miracle? Are my prayers going to be answered? Again, I wiped my tears and concentrated on the road. I need to focus. My son needs me right now and I can’t fail him. I need to do this.

            In less than five minutes, we reached the hospital. The police men escorted me inside as I carried Jongwoon towards the emergency room. I was crying too hard, and there were no words coming out of my mouth. Please help him. I don’t want him to die, so please help him. Please!

            The nurses took him from me and placed him on a bed. They pushed him out of the room and towards the operating room. Why? Why are they taking him to the operating room? What’s wrong? What’s going on? I tried to get inside to see how Jongwoon was doing but the nurses blocked me. Even the police officers helped the nurses with holding me back, while I just kept on crying. Not a minute later, my phone rang. I answered it with my hands shaking and held it to my ear.

            “Hey, Kyu, where are you? We’re supposed to be… Kyu, are you crying?” Eunhyuk asked. I opened my mouth to say something but still, no words came out. Hyuk, I need you here. Please come. “Where are you, Kyu?”

            The officer must’ve seen me struggling to get the words out. “Hey, let me talk to him.” He grabbed the phone out of my hand and talked to Eunhyuk. “Good evening, sir. My name is Officer Kibum…” I heard him say. His partner just stood in front of me with arms crossed over his chest while I kept on crying. When Officer Kibum finished talking, he handed me back my phone and bid farewell. As soon as they were out of sight, I slid down the wall and sat down on the floor. There are benches not too far from me but I can’t even move. It was like all my energy was drained.

            I stopped crying a few minutes later, but inside my head, I kept repeating a mantra: “Please save him. Please save my son,” I’ve been stupid. How can I take a nap like that? This is entirely my fault. If I hadn’t taken him in, he wouldn’t have been in this situation. If I haven’t met him three months ago, my life wouldn’t have changed. If only I…

            “Kyuhyun!” I looked to my right and saw the couple running towards me. “Kyuhyun are you alright? Where’s Jongwoon?” Eunhyuk asked, he was kneeling down in front of me so he was able to look at me.

            “Hyuk… h-he…” Tears started to flow again and soon I found myself wailing. Eunhyuk held me on his arms and consoled me like I’m a lost child. Indeed, I really am. I’m a lost child. I’m a lost child to begin with. Meeting Jongwoon—meeting my son—took me back on track and I found myself again. “I c-can’t l-lo-lose h-him H-hyuk. I-I n-nee-need h-him. I… I n-nee-need m-my s-son,” I mumbled.

            An hour later, the operating room’s sign light turned off and the doctor emerged from the inside. “How is he, doc? Is he going to be okay?”

            “Yes. We were afraid that he suffered from frost bite but that wasn’t the case. His heartbeat and blood pressure were dangerously low, and so was his temperature. We need to keep him here overnight for observation, until he awakes.”

            “Thank you, doctor. Thank you for your hard work,” Donghae bowed to him while I was still lost. My mind blank—me being unable to think. I’m too exhausted; physically, mentally and emotionally.

            “You heard that, Kyu? Your son’s going to be alright. Come on cheer up,” Eunhyuk patted my back.

            “Hyuk, what if I hadn’t taken him in? What if I’d taken him back to his mother? What if I’d never met him? Would all of this still had happened?” I mumbled, which earned me a strong slap from Donghae.

            “Yes, all of this wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t met him. But did it occur to you that if you hadn’t met him you wouldn’t be this happy? If you hadn’t met him you would still be that insensitive, arrogant kangaroo that Hyuk and I had to put up with. If you hadn’t met him, would you cry like this? Would you show your emotions and be vulnerable for once?” He cupped my face and stared me in the eyes as tears rolled down on both of our cheeks. “Kyu, you’ve changed for the better and it’s all thanks to Jongwoon. It’s all thanks to your son. He brought color into your life. Stop thinking about the negative things. He’s alive and that’s what’s important. Do you understand me, Kyu?”

            Yeah. Yeah, I do. I leaned my head on his chest and I let him hug me. “And if you hadn’t met Jongwoon, you would’ve never allowed me to hug you like this,” I heard Eunhyuk chuckle as Donghae hugged me even tighter.

            .: | :.

            Eunhyuk and Donghae allowed me to stay with Jongwoon. They couldn’t do anything about it because I’m too stubborn and I don’t want to leave my son. Yeah, finally I accept him as my son. He’s my cute little son and his name is Jongwoon. I held his hands and kissed his tiny little fingers one by one.

            It took me this outrageous situation to finally accept him as my son. It almost cost him his life. I’ll try my best to fulfill the promise I made earlier. I’ll protect you and I’ll cherish you. Thank you, Jongwoon. Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for existing. Thank you for changing me.

            “D-daddy?”

            I looked up and saw him looking at me. I feel myself tearing up again but I tried to stop it from happening. I his hair gently while I used my other hand to hold his right hand close to my lips. “What is it, baby?”

            “Where am I?”

            “You’re in the hospital.”

            “Why?”

            Why? It’s because of me. I’m the reason why you’re here. I’m the reason why you’re in a hospital bed right now. If only I hadn’t forgotten about you, you wouldn’t have been here. If only I had been more responsible, you wouldn’t have been here.

            “Daddy, are you sad? Why are you crying?” He asked as he wiped my tears.

            “Jongwoon-ah, daddy is sorry.  Sorry for forgetting. Sorry for neglecting. Sorry for realizing it too late. I’m really, really sorry baby. Will you forgive daddy? Will you give me a chance to be a better father to you?”

            He looked at me in confusion. I don’t think a five-year old kid understands the words I’m saying. I should apologize to him again when he’s more grown up. Maybe then he would understand these words.

            “Daddy?”

            “Hmm?”

            “Can I ask you something?”

            “Of course, baby.”

            “Will y-you s-sing f-for m-me again?” I chuckled and pinched his cheeks lightly. I feel blessed having a kid like him. What did I ever do to deserve him? I’m so lucky. I cleared my throat and started singing. He watched me sing with a smile and I couldn’t help but tear up. I really am lucky.

.: | :.

            It has been a month since the incident and so far I’ve managed to keep my promise. I tried my best to be a good father to Jongwoon and he seems happier. We’ve visited his mother. I asked her if I can have full custody of the child and she said yes. We even asked a lawyer to seal the deal. We’re still waiting for the result, since, according to my lawyer—and friend—Heechul, the process takes some time.

            Eunhyuk and Donghae told me that ever since the incident I’ve changed big time. I became more caring and I’m no longer that insensitive kangaroo they’ve met back in high school. They visit Jongwoon from time to time to play with him and I’m happy that they do. At least they could keep my son company while I’m preoccupied with other stuff.

            Right now, we’re on the playground and I’m watching him play with other kids. He still needs to interact with children his age. I sat on the bench not too far from him. His happy face and his laughter is enough to make my day. He may look tiny but he has a big heart, something he neither got from me nor his mother. Maybe his grandparents somehow taught him that.

            “I see your son is doing fine,” said the man who took a seat beside me.

            “What do you mean?”

            “I saw you rushing him to the hospital the other night. I also saw you in the mall where you punched a man who happens to be my manager,” He chuckled. Manager? So he’s famous? An actor maybe? But I’m not into dramas or movies.

            “Sorry about that. I didn’t mean it,” I scratched the back of my head in embarrassment. He laughed heartily while I blushed even more.

            “It’s alright. He got what he deserved. He forced your son to come with him because he said your son was so handsome. He wanted to make him a star.” I see. So that’s what happened. “My name’s Yesung, by the way. And you are?”

            “Kyuhyun. Cho Kyuhyun, and that is my son Jongwoon. It’s a pleasure to meet you… Wait… Yesung? As in that famous singer?”

            He guffawed. “Am I really that famous?”

            “I’m a big fan of yours! I love your songs though I’m not really fond of music,” I exclaimed. Well, I am excited to finally meet the man with the artistic voice.

            “Daddy!” I looked to my right and saw Jongwoon running towards me. I lifted him and sat him down on my lap.

            “Are you done playing?”

            “Yeah. Who is he, daddy?”

            “He’s daddy’s friend. His name is Yesung. Say hi to him, baby.”

            I expected to hear a cute ‘hi’ from Jongwoon, but as usual, he did something completely outrageous. He stood up from my lap and walked over to Yesung. He cupped the singer’s face and gave him a peck on the lips making Yesung and I widen our eyes.

            “Jongwoon!” I exclaimed in horror. I immediately grabbed him and apologized to Yesung. Jongwoon crawled back to the singer and hugged him. “Jongwoon, please leave the poor man alone.”

            “Daddy, I like him. Can he be my daddy, too? Please? I know you’re lonely because mommy is with her friend,” I widened my eyes even more in horror. Is this kid really just five? I heard Yesung guffawed and it made me blush.

            “What a cute kid you have here. He’s really smart for his age.” He praised as he ruffled Jongwoon’s hair.

            “Yeah, that’s what his teachers say.” I smiled—or so I think I did. Jongwoon kissed him again which made me frown. Yesung didn’t notice it though, because his phone rang.

            “I need to go now. It was really nice knowing you, Kyuhyun as well as this little guy right here. Here’s my number. Call me whenever okay? I want to meet you and your son again.” He walked back to his car and I saw him wave at me. I looked down at the card and easily memorized his number. Well, this is a start of something new. I smiled at myself. I really am lucky.

Author's Note: Early update! Thankfully! Classes started Monday so I'm really thankful that I and my beta managed to finish this in time.  Thank you for my subscribers. :) I don't really have anything to say here. Oh well. Thank you again for being always there for me. You know who you are and I reall appreciate it.