author: jwhong005 / written: 20130415 / pairing: himup / rating: pg-13 (language, alcohol abuse) / cr: tumblr. my crying feels rn.
i was in an angsty mood TT
follow me - instagram @royalegray & tumblr @junnswoon

You can't blame someone who is only human.

For a while Himchan chooses to ignore things, the rift that has evidently come between him and his boyfriend, five years his junior. A small fight would end up escalating into a large argument that would have the whole apartment shaking so he chooses to ignore the latter altogether when he gets home from work, slipping off his shoes at the front door, working his tie off before he even can reach the living room to pass on through to get to the bedroom. 

Their dinners turn from being for two to one. Each one of them eats seperately, eating a meal completely different from the other each night with the rush to get the dishes done before they both enter the kitchen together. On several occasions Himchan has left the kitchen purposely at the sight of his boyfriend who didn't even get the opportunity to open his mouth to explain himself before he rushes out and closes himself in their bedroom—his bedroom, now.

It doesn't take much longer before Jongup, the said boyfriend, was able to corner him in the small study that was originally a spare bedroom. Himchan tries to brush past but Jongup is slightly stronger, especially agitated when he has a reason to get aggressive, so the attempt proves to be futile. Jongup states that he's tired of fighting, which ironically, leads to a screaming match between the two of them. When Jongup raises his voice, it cracks under the pressure since he isn't the type to typically blow up on someone, tears watering in his eyes since he's a bit sensitive behind closed doors. On the other hand, Himchan isn't afraid to raise his fists in the air when shouting, 

That's where it ends. Even angered, Jongup can't help but push at the other even though they have an even distance between each other. He just can't stand Himchan even thinking about getting violent when that wasn't the purpose of the conversation. So then it's Himchan who proposes the idea that they take a break. 

"I don't take breaks, hyung. We're done I suppose, then."

And that's how it officially ended. Himchan made it clear that all the younger's things had to be gone by the end of the week with the extra key left on the kitchen table or else. Since Jongup doesn't possess the desire to know what that means, he does what the older tells him to. It takes a day for Jongup to move the majority of his things out of the apartment, choosing to go when he knows the other is at work. By the end of the week there's no signs of Jongup ever living in the cozy apartment, just like Himchan said he wanted.

In all honesty, it was a mistake that the first argument ever really happened. Jongup had never had too much luck with past boyfriends. He had dated one male, Youngjae, who promptly left him for a woman after "discovering" he wasn't really gay. Then there was Junhong, who was too young—according to just Junhong of course—for him so the confession was turned down. On Valentine's Day of all the days possible. His relationship with Yongguk lasted a bit longer, but not willingly. The male was attractive, but that couldn't possibly overlook the fact that he was abusive—not to mention an alcoholic as well.

Himchan really tried to be understanding at first. He knew that getting into a relationship was something that Jongup would be hesitant to do despite the reliant personality he radiated. There was just something Himchan just couldn't look past. That was having to hear all the time about these past relationships. It happened to be something he got tired of quite quickly.

"H-Hyung, I'm sorry. I'm just not used to doing this kind of thing ... Yongguk never let me," or, "Youngjae and I never did this. He said it was lame." Then the infamous, "I never really had the desire to go skiing after Junhong said 'no' to me. It was his favorite sport I heard."

Days later, for some reason, Himchan was missing the constant whining of his boyfriend when the alarm goes off to signal his awakening to get ready for work. Usually Jongup would groan while saying, "Turn the damned thing off" with a cute tired expression. But that's when he remembers that it's been a while since they've slept in the same bed anyway. Jongup slept on the couch for at least a month before their breakup. Eventually throughout the night he would end up in the bedroom somehow, curled up to Himchan's side in the midst of a nightmare that led him to letting out blood curdling screams when they got really bad.

After school there's his last class of the semester to take care of that he deducts would be a good time to find an excuse to locate Jongup. However, when the time comes, he comes up dry. A classmate of the younger's reports to Himchan that he never showed up but was briefly seen off campus with someone—a man.

Anger flares up inside Himchan when he storms off, determined even more to find Jongup. The place where the puppy-like brunette had been seen is not too far from the university. It's within walking distance. Himchan arrives to see that the cafe is packed with people and Jongup is not among the group of people he scans his eyes over. A sense of defeat is what brings Himchan to drag himself out of the doorway so he isn't getting yelled at anymore, gaze down casted.

"Are you sure you're able to, hyung?" Himchan hears a slurred answer that sounds vaguely familiar, causing him to look up with wide eyes.

Jongup is standing before him, eyes red and puffy with a slouched posture. He hiccuped a few times, smiling with a dazed expression as he tries to get closer to the other, the one who turned him down years ago, Choi Junhong. Something tells Himchan that something is seriously wrong with Jongup but he can't move for whatever reason. He feels numb.

"B-But ... you swore that when ya got older you'd go out wit' me," Jongup said, pouting up at the taller male. Their means nothing because now Junhong towers over him by a few noticeable inches. 

"I know I said that," Junhong's shoulders rise and fall with a sigh, his hand reaching up to adjust the strap on his shoulder. He's older now but still in high school. A senior to be exact. "But I thought you'd be sober if you ever asked me again. I can't say yes if you're like this. I don't know how to apologize, if that's even possible."

"S ... So, t-that means yer gonna turn me down, again? I'll be whoever you want me to be! I promise I don't usually drink. I ... I don't like drinking, honestly, Junhong-ah—"

"We aren't close enough for you to call me that, sunbae." Junhong interrupted abruptly, a bored expression taking over so that he doesn't make a mistake of leading the other on like this.

A choke leaves Jongup's throat but he contines. "We—We can get closer. I'll do whatever you want, just give me a chance. A small chance. I-I don't think I can be alone. There're nightmares and it's been so long since I've slept alone. I need Hi—someone. Anyone."

A part of Junhong wants to give in, but he can't. He used to respect Jongup when they were in school together. Jongup was big into dancing as was, or is, Junhong as well. He looked to he older male for guidance and he got it. Only when he figured out things weren't platonic in Jongup's eyes did Junhong start to drift away to someone else, another hyung who was good at dancing as well. The confession was sudden. Liking a boy was out of the question. So he turned Jongup down, ignoring the male's tears and how he walked away with his head down with the small gift wrapped neatly in its box slowly become smaller as the distance between them increased.

Junhong knew about his sunbae's relationship with Youngjae and how it ended. It was all over the campus. Youngjae didn't just leave Jongup for a girl, but cheated on him with a girl. Jongup was in denial about the fact that it had happened. A week was how long it took for the reality to sink in when the older male crossed the court yard with a box in his hand, giving it to Jongup without a second thought as to how harsh he was being. The relationship was over. Jongup needed to wrap his head around the fact.

He watched Jongup eventually accept Yongguk's offer to be his boyfriend. Word on the campus was that Yongguk was only in on the relationship for the physical aspect. It was odd that Jongup couldn't see it the way that Yongguk would watch from the sidelines as he was pushed around by bullies who wanted the "homo to just go ahead and kill himself already" appeared every day. Jongup said that Yongguk had made love to him so his naivety only increased as his desire to be ignorantly in love did as well.

Bruises littered the dancer's pale arms and eventually his legs but were promptly covered up. Yongguk was a college student while Jongup was merely in his junior year of high school. It would've been nice to date someone older in any other circumstance but Jongup's. Junhong gradually saw how his former favorite sunbae was shattering, becoming broken, even. He noticed how he would get looks from other students, students that weren't afraid to voice how glad they were that he would be graduating soon.

Jongup graduated but Junhong still saw him. He saw him move on from Yongguk and onto Himchan, a male who Junhong thought could take care of him properly. But he had never been that bright of a kid. (He failed one grade before and would've been left behind if it hadn't have been for a big program over the summer that helped him pass before it was too late.) Evidence of Jongup crying in front of him single and broken hearted showed him how much he was wrong exactly.

"I can't be that one, hyung." 

A week goes by without seeing any sight of Jongup again. The male had drunkenly passed Himchan when Junhong left, leaving a trail of alcohol behind. Himchan didn't stop the latter. He just stood there. Later in the confines of his lonely apartment he caught sight of something he hadn't seen before. 

A ticket. A ticket to see Jongup again when the time called for it, when the time was right. The shiny, blue key was hanging up where Jongup must've left it when he packed. It was the spare key to his apartment. His parents didn't know that he was living with another man (since they were barely comfortable with their son liking men to begin with) so he had a decoy place prepared in case his parents ever called to give advance warning of a visit.

Afternoon rolls around slow when there's something to wait for Himchan figures. He clocks out as fast as he can so he can make it to his car and beat traffic to Jongup's apartment. In the shape he's in, going out is not an option if drinking is the choice he chooses to take. Himchan just figures ahead of time that Jongup will be home so when he pounds on the door to come in, he expects it to open eventually.

The key tempts him to open the door himself so he does. Himchan sees that his slippers are still where he had left them long before, a bit of dust on the top. Jongup's are missing so he lets himself in since he's already opened the locked door on his own. The kitchen is empty as well as the living room so that leaves the bathroom, which connects to Jongup's room, and the bedroom. 

Himchan can't help but smile at the sight of Jongup buried beneath the covers, only the top of his head showing above. He's nervous when he sits down on the bed but he knows that standing his ground is important. Wake Jongup, ask how's he's doing, give him the key and leave. That's what Himchan wants to do when he starts to shake what he deems is the male's shoulder. He knows Jongup is a light sleeper so when he doesn't even stir, he swallows thickly.

"Jongup?" Himchan starts, pulling back the coverlet to the bed slowly, almost relaxed at the sight of Jongup's peacefully closed eyes, hand underneath the pillow where his head lays on the memory foam.

Something's wrong.

Frantically, Himchan throws back the rest of the sheet, getting up as well. Nothing looks wrong right away but his eyes narrow at Jongup's still chest. The first thing that comes to mind is to roll Jongup onto his back and so he does. He practically throws himself at Jongup, pressing his ear to the younger's chest, waiting for something. He can't even sense the smallest of heartbeats. 

Jongup's hand is still underneath the pillow until Himchan wraps his arms around the limp body on the bed, cradling him protectively with tears welling in his eyes. The sound of a bottle crashing onto the ground startles but he doesn't want to let go. Instead he leans over with Jongup in his arms, his fingers combing through the other's hair with small whispers of reassurance more for himself than anyone else. Himchan is sure his heart skipped a beat when he catches sight of a pill bottle at his feet on the side of the bed.

Himchan,

Mianhae, hyung. I didn't mean to bring them up so much. I know that you didn't like it but I don't listen very well. Yongguk used to tell me that all the time but I guess that defeats the purpose of this letter, huh? Telling you all about my past ex's to you. You probably don't even really care. I wanted to be strong because I knew that you liked that kind of person. You must, still, since you broke up with me. I couldn't be the person you wanted me to be. I even drank because of it. I drank even after I promised myself that I wouldn't do such a thing.

I just want to let you know that I love you. I love you a lot, hyung. You made me really happy. There was a big risk of dating me after the others so thank you. I'm not even sure if I would've been able to put up with myself if I ever was in your shoes. You deserve better than me. Maybe you should date someone older next time. They'll be more mature than I ever was.

When we dated I thought for a while that I would get better. The depression didn't feel as great when I was with you. You would hold me when we slept, you would cook all my favorite meals and take me to my favorite places without even waiting for me to ask. Every time you told me that you loved me I knew that you really meant it. There was no lies between you and I. But I guess I shared a bit too much about my past. Am I repeating myself, hyung? Youngjae told me that I had a habit of doing that. Women don't do that, do they?

Anyway, hyung, I just wanted to let you know I found a way to be happy. I can be with you too. I can look after you because I know that you haven't had it easy either. I mean, you haven't spoken to your parents in years according to Daehyun-sshi. He would know since he's had the apartment next to yours for years and you guys are friends. I just reached my limit lately. Relationships aren't for me so I'm throwing in the towel. I doubt I'm the first one to so don't worry about me. I just—I just reached that point where I couldn't handle it anymore and I'm done hurting others by sharing my burden. I'm only human after all, just like you. We can only hold so much before we break.

Love you still,

Jongup