Dude, when I came back and saw 4 people already subscribed, I was like, "There was only gifs and one sentence! ㅠㅠ" Anyway, kamsahamnida, JongKey shippers ♥

"It's time, Kibum."

I looked up from my lap and saw my best friend Lee Jinki standing at the door of my office. "Really? Already?" I said, a bit stunned about how much time had passed. the last time I looked at that clock, it said 4:30, and now it showed 6:04. I sighed and stood up, feeling a bit sick in the stomach. "How do you feel?" Jinki asked.

"Better than last time," I replied, rubbing the side of my head. We left the office building, walked to the sleek black Mercedes Jinki owned and entered the vehicle. We were silent for a moment. Jinki stared at the road in front of us, and I was mesmerized by the glare in the window. We were both in our own world. Finally, Jinki started the car engine and I snapped back into reality. I must've flinched, because Jinki looked at me in concern. "Are you sure you want to go, Kibum?" he asked.

"Yes. I want to."

Jinki nodded and started to drive, both of us still awkwardly silent. We didn't know what to say. "We should pick up Junghee," I said quietly. Jinki nodded at my request and drove to the daycare where my daughter, Junghee, was at. I couldn't get out of the car, and Jinki went to get Junghee for me. I couldn't be more grateful for my friend. He did almost everything for me nowadays. Now that he wasn't here...

"Umma!" squealed a familiar voice as the back car door opened. I turned my head to the left to see my 4 year old daughter smiling up at me. Jinki was at the door, helping her into the car-seat and I just returned the smile with a small one. It hurt to see her so happy...because she didn't understand. "Guess what I made at daycare? Look! A jellyfish!" Junghee ed a glitter-bombed piece of construction paper into my face. It was coated in clear, dried glue, decorated with her messy scrawl, and depicted a little round pink blob with little purple and pink streamers attached to the paper with tape. It was gorgeous. On the bottom, it said, 'For umma, from Junghee'. I smiled wider this time, and took the paper, careful not to lose any part of it. "Thank you, Junghee. I love it," I said, nodding. "Thank you for thinking of me."

"I always think of you, umma!" Junghee replied, happily. This made me want to start sobbing in happiness. This little girl brought light to me when she entered the world. Her glittering chestnut eyes, dark black hair, porcelain-like skin made her an Asian beauty. One day she’d be a world-famous model or actress. Jinki started the car again and he asked Junghee, “You strapped in? I don’t want you flying out the window!” Jinki winked at Junghee playfully and Junghee giggled. “I am! I don’t want to fly out!” Junghee said, pointing to the seatbelt across her chest. Jinki began to drive to our destination, the place I’ve been meaning to bring Junghee to for forever. Once we were a the parking lot, Junghee’s face fell. “Why does it feel so...sad here?” she asked, once the engine was turned off. I couldn’t answer, so Jinki did. “It’s a place of someone’s final resting,” he replied. Junghee stayed quiet, not understanding what her ‘Uncle Onew’ had just said. I just closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. I felt dizzy. Jinki got out and helped Junghee out. I stayed inside the car, trying to hold myself together. Why did it feel so stressful? Jinki and Junghee began to enter the cemetery and I got out of the car, still feeling nauseous. I followed them in a distance, just watching my innocent daughter look around at the headstones of the deceased in fear and sorrow. Statues of angels stood me at a distance, watching us with a close eye. Once Jinki and Junghee found the grave we were looking for, they stopped, allowing me to catch up to them. Junghee frowned at the grave and said, “What is this?”

Jinki chuckled a little. “Junghee,” he began, as he kneeled down to reach her eye level, “this is your appa.” Her eyes widened in confusion, and then she squinted at the grave again. Across the marble, it read, ‘Kim Jonghyun, April 8, 1990–January 25, 2025’. I held in my tears as I pulled a piece of paper out of my pocket. Jonghyun’s death certificate. I kneeled down in front of Junghee like Jinki. “Junghee Kim,” I said, taking her small hands into mine, “Uncle Onew is right. This is your appa.”

“You’ve met him before, Junghee. He died only two years ago. You were only a small girl, fragile and ill, and he was your ‘dinosaur appa’. He loved you so much, Junghee, but you were too frail to really remember how he looked like, and how his voice sounded like.” It was true. Junghee was born premature, and in a dangerous situation, for I was born a hermaphrodite. I had both male and female organs, for then I was able to give birth to Junghee. Junghee was underweight at a surprising 4.4 pounds and was as small as both of my hands. Before, when I was pregnant at home, Jonghyun would pace the room, trying to understand my situation. Little things stressed him everyday like after coming home from work to see me in pain or just tired.

“What...did appa look like?” Junghee asked. I took out another envelope from my pocket and held it out to her. Junghee took it gently with her hands. She opened it and pulled out a small pile of photos. “This...is what he looked like?” she asked, and I nodded. Jonghyun was a short person his whole life, it was quite funny. He had wide nostrils, which always made me think of him as a dinosaur, and large, dark eyes like a puppy’s. He had the palest skin, and his dark hair was always styled up. Whenever he was happy, which he was usually was, he’d flash his adorable crooked smile in my direction, and I’d become delighted myself. Whenever he was sad, his eyes would get all puppy-like and his crooked smile would turn into a cute little frown. Everything about him was...absolutely flawless. 

“How did appa’s voice sound like?” Junghee asked next. I knew this was coming. “Junghee, let’s pay our respect and then in the car I’ll show you what appa’s voice sounded like.” Junghee nodded, and we placed a small bouquet of colored wildflowers on the grave, where many others lay. I instructed Junghee to pray with a few incenses I gave her and she obeyed, bobbing her small head. Jinki and I did the same, each planting the sticks of incense into the grass. Afterwards, Jinki said, “I’ll leave some time for you two to be alone.” He was talking about Jonghyun and I. I smiled and nodded, mouthing ‘thank you’. He led Junghee back to the car and I sighed, turning back to my husband’s grave. “Jonghyun, remember me? Your wife?” I said, softly, kneeling in front of the grave. “Junghee was really happy to meet you. She looked so...bright and beautiful, just like a flower.” I cleaned off the stone covered with some leaves and then I continued. “She looks exactly like you, Jjong. I’m so blessed to have her in my life. I thank you so much. Remember the day you proposed to me? I still remember the whole scene. It was sunset and you and I were taking a walk around my neighborhood. You were saying something about running away with you, and I told you that was the strangest idea. Then you just got down on your knee...and...”

I paused, glancing at the gray sky. “...Jjong, again, I’m so blessed. Thank you so much. I love you.” I finally returned to the car, where I found Jinki playing an old CD. “Cheo-eumeun anijyo sashil malhaja myeon sarando ibyeoldo haebwajyo.” Junghee was still wearing a puzzled expression on her face. “That’s your appa’s voice, Junghee,” Jinki explained. “He was a singer?” she asked. Jinki glanced up at me, smiling. “Yeah, he was, and so was I, and all your uncles, Junghee, even your godfather Taemin,” I replied, getting into the backseat next to Junghee.

Junghee’s eyes widened. “Really?” 

It was true, the two of us, Jonghyun and I, were part of a popular K-pop group called SHINee. It was our lives. In the group was also Jinki, Taemin Lee, and Minho Choi, three other lively boys that kept this amazing dream alive. We were all singers, dancers, and some of us rappers. We’ve made so many albums, been in so many performances and so much more. When the legendary groups, including SNSD, Super Junior, f(x), SHINee, and more were to retire from our families at SM, we were nearly in tears as Victoria, a member of f(x), stood on the last stage of SMTown saying into microphone, “Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult. Yet strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go.” Those words echoed in everyone’s minds forever, and we held hands and we were no longer just ‘SHINee’ or ‘SNSD’, but we were all one. Suddenly our lives as members became gone. Some people became soloists, or some, like us, just went on to have a regular life. We still get fan-mail, gifts, and letters to wish us well. I think the adventure as an idol was worth it. Jonghyun became a soloist, and collaborated with others. I went on to become a designer and a model. People knew of my styles and supported my ideas. Eventually, I saw people wearing things I’d designed. It awed me that people would actually accept them.

“Here, let me show you something.” I pulled out my iPhone and looked through the photos and videos, trying to find a certain one. “Okay, here.” The screen showed a white-walled room and light brown hardwood flooring. I smiled. “Hey, isn’t that our house, umma?” Junghee asked. “Yes, it is.”

~Flashback~

“Key, come here, look at this,” Jonghyun said, at the other room.

“Yes, yeobo?” I asked, walking into his office. He was at his desk, laptop open and papers everywhere. He needed to get this place cleaned up. “Look at this, it’s perfect. Not too small, at our budget, and near your parents! Just like your mother wanted, right?” Jonghyun was quite proud of himself. He smiled and looked up at me, trying to figure out my expression.

It was nice. 4 bedrooms; one for us, one for the baby, and the others for extra guest beds, or if we had another child. There was a swimming pool out in the back, with a small garden. There were three bathrooms, a spacious kitchen, dining room, a living room, family room, and a wine cellar. “We should check it out,” I said, awing at the modern style and price. It better be worth it.

And it was. The realtor led us around the house, giving us a highly detailed tour, and eventually left us for a little to look around for ourselves. Jonghyun whipped out his iPhone and said, “Hey, give us a little tour yourself, yeobo? Maybe we can show our little baby when he or she’s born.” I laughed, and looked down at my stomach, which wasn’t really protruding, but I could tell there was a child in there. I started with the kitchen, and I said, “Oi, baby, you’re going to get your food from your umma, and it’ll be made here, in this amazing kitchen. An oven, microwave, stove, fridge, etc. My dream kitchen~” I said, smiling at the camera.

We hurried around the house, with me giving strange descriptions of the rooms and telling my baby what to expect, and then every once in awhile, Jonghyun would turn off the camera and just plant a kiss on my lips, forehead, cheek, or nose. Those sweet little moments always made my day better. After the ‘Key-tour’, we met up with the realtor again and told her we’d buy the house. It was a wonderful day. Afterwards, we went to get ice cream, and I got some on the side of my mouth, and Jonghyun said, “Key-baby, you got something on your face.” He leaned over and kissed me, making me become bright red.

~Flashback end~

I showed Junghee the video and she watched with eagerness. “Wow, appa looks so happy,” she said, “and so do you.” I nodded, and when the video finished, we sat in the car in silence as Jinki drove. Junghee suddenly tugged at my arm. “Why did appa die?” she asked.

I stared at her, memories flooding back to my mind again. It was when Junghee was almost a year old. Jonghyun was recording at SM Entertainment, and I was at home taking care of Junghee. When he returned home, he seemed very worn out and he suddenly collapsed on the floor when he took off his shoes.

~Flashback~

“Jjong?” I called over my shoulder as I sat on the couch reading a magazine. It was almost 11 pm and Jonghyun had opened the front door, my heart lifting. I was able to make Junghee fall asleep without a big fuss.

“Kibummie~” he called in a singsong voice, that was a little softer than usual. “I missed you.” I stood up and went to greet him at the hall. As I walked over, I heard a thump of his shoes as he put them down on the ground, then a cough. The coughing didn’t stop, and I immediately frowned. “Are you okay, Jonghyun?” I asked. As I turned to see my husband, he covered his mouth, blood staining his hands and his shirt sleeves. His eyes were wide in alarm, and then he fell forward. “JONGHYUN!?!!??” I cried.

I ran to his side, and saw he was passed out. I was shaking. What happened? I heard Junghee’s soft cry and then I ran to the kitchen, grabbing the cordless phone. “Hello, what is your emergency?” said the voice that answered the phone. “My husband just came home from work and he started coughing up blood, then he passed out.” I blurted out our address and the person said, “Okay, we’ll be there as soon as we can.”

I hung up and threw the phone down on the table, rushing back to Jonghyun. “Jonghyun, wake up. Please, wake up,” I pleaded. This was really scaring me. What if...he didn’t wake up? The ambulance came, picked him up, and put him in their car. “Would you like to come?” asked a paramedic. I nodded, and ran back to the house to get Junghee. She was wailing and I calmed her down as I raced across the front lawn to the ambulance. In the ER, I held Junghee to my chest, still quivering with fear. “He’ll be okay, he’ll be okay,” I whispered to her, as she slept soundly in my arms.

A nurse came out, her face darkened. “I have some bad news,” she said. I watched her walk over to me, and my heart beat like a jackhammer against my chest. “What...what happened to him?” I asked. Her lips were pursed, and then she said, “Jonghyun has throat cancer. You said he was out recording today, right?” I nodded.

“Well, he might not be able to sing or speak again.” Those words pierced my skin like ice. “What?! He can’t speak? How is that possible?!” I cried. “His vocal cords, voice box, and other areas of the throat are affected by a tumor and it could spread to other parts of his body. We will try to remove the cancer completely, so it would preserve the voice box. It’s a difficult surgery, and it’s necessary to remove parts or all of the vocal cords to do so. There’s a high chance of death, and we are trying to prevent that from happening,” she explained.

My hands were shaking more, and I had to be careful not to drop my daughter. This couldn’t be happening...Jonghyun might not survive? He might not be able to speak... “Has he been taking in alcohol lately? Or has he been smoking?” the nurse asked.

“Well...lately he’s been stressed and he drank...a couple of times, but he has never smoked in his life,” I answered. “Well, not that I know of...” The nurse nodded and wrote something on her clipboard. “That might be the cause, as well as his singing. We’ll try our hardest, Mr. Kim,” she said. “You may leave.”

I nodded, and told her thank you. I left the hospital in a taxi and returned home, to see a bloody mess on the floor at the entrance. I sighed and went to put my daughter back in bed to sleep more comfortably. I cleaned the blood and then went to get my laptop. I typed ‘throat cancer’ into the search bar and waited for the results to load. When it did, I clicked on the first link it showed.

“Cancer of the throat is cancer of the vocal cords, voice box (larynx), or other areas of the throat.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors –

People who smoke or use tobacco are at risk of developing throat cancer. Excessive alcohol use also increases risk. Smoking and drinking alcohol combined lead to an increased risk for throat cancers.

Signs and tests –

The doctor will perform a physical exam. This may show a lump on the outside of the neck.

Tests may include:

Biopsy of suspected tumor

Chest x-ray

CT scan of chest

CT scan of head and neck

Treatment –

The goal of treatment is to completely remove the cancer and prevent it from spreading to other parts of the body.

When the tumor is small, either surgery or radiation therapy alone can be used to remove the tumor.

When the tumor is larger or has spread to lymph nodes in the neck, a combination of radiation and chemotherapy is often used to preserve the voice box.

Some patients need surgery to remove the tumor, including all or part of the vocal cords (laryngectomy). If you have a laryngectomy, speech therapy can help you learn other ways to talk.

Many patients also need swallowing therapy after treatment to help them adjust to the changes in the structure of the throat. Some surgeries are more complicated and would take longer. Most patients with serious problems (because of late response to the illness) will have a much likely chance of survival, since the tumor would supposedly spread to the major organs such as the lungs or heart.”

I bit my lip. Jjong did have a strange lump on the side of his neck...I was meaning to ask him what it was...I regretted not asking sooner and closed the laptop. This was bad. I should’ve known before...and Jjong could live.

Many months later, after many treatments and tests, Jonghyun was ready for the final surgery. He was beginning to become very weak, and he could barely speak. The day of the surgery, I was allowed to meet with Jonghyun, to wish him good luck. Most of his relatives and mine had visited him days before, and I was the last one. He requested for me to be so. As I stepped into his room at the hospital, I heard a weak voice. “Kibum?”

“Jjong,” I answered, my voice trembling. I saw him lying on the hospital bed, looking fragile as Junghee did when she was born. I stood beside the bed, gazing at his still young, fresh, face, yet his eyes looked so tired, and his the side of his lips were curled down into a slight frown. I felt so stiff, shocked that I might not see my husband ever again. Jjong knew there was something wrong. “Key, are you okay? You look...pale,” he said, softly.

I just broke down beside him, and sobbed, “I’m so scared! I’m so scared you won’t make it! I won’t be able to see you, hear your voice...” Jjong sat up, taking my hand. “Key, don’t cry. Baby, don’t cry,” he whispered. I looked up into his warm eyes. “Key...I know this is really hard for you, but I’m in a lot of pain...and death can relieve it. I know you don’t want me to leave you, but really, I’ll be in your heart forever. I really don’t want to let you go either, but this is for the best.” 

“But–”

He took my chin with the tips of his fingers and stared into my eyes. “Don’t forget me, promise?” he asked. I nodded, and then he brought my lips to his, pressing against mine softly. The kiss suddenly became deeper as I responded to him. He bit my lower lip, asking for an entrance into my mouth. I moaned, quickly regretting it since there were other people in the building. I let his tongue enter my mouth, and then roamed in my mouth, making me shiver at the feeling. We broke the kiss, and he waited a bit to catch his breath. Then his lips met mine again. My hands became entangled in his messy dark hair, and he brought me up to the bed. His hands s around my waist, as I sat over his body. Our second kiss was finally broken when he left my lips to kiss down my neck, on my skin softly as he went. He then came back to my lips and whispered, breathlessly, “I won’t ever leave you, I promise.” I nodded, and he traced where my tears were, his gentle fingers light against my skin. We just waited there, still out of breath from the make-out, and I just said, “I’m sorry for not being strong, I’m so sorry.”

He my hair and told me not to worry anymore. “Just stay with me...just stay...” I whispered.

The next day, I woke up feeling terrible. I barely slept since I was too worried about the surgery, but more worried for Jonghyun. I waited at home, hugging Junghee, playing with her small hands in my lap, and occasionally playing with her legs, bringing them up into the air, her back still lying on my legs. She giggled her cute little laugh, and I smiled to myself, her voice reminding me of a girl version of Jonghyun when he was younger. Hours passed with worry, and then I received a phone call. This was it. I picked it up with shaking hands. “Yebosayo?” I said.

“Mr. Kim, I’m really sorry to tell you this, but...your husband didn’t make it.”

I dropped the phone. I knew it. It was over. I fell to my knees, covering my face, sobbing. Junghee sat at the couch, blinking innocently at me. After a few minutes, she asked, “Umma? What’s wrong?” I looked up at her, my eyes still tearstained. I couldn’t tell her. “...Appa can’t see us anymore.”

On the day of Jonghyun’s funeral, there were his relatives, along with mine, and many of SHINee’s fans that attended. It was mournful, dark day. I stood still, staring at Jonghyun’s open coffin. There was my husband, lying cold in the casket. I took a shaky breath and walked to the coffin, staring down at the face of my love. “Jonghyun, I love you,” I said, softly. I traced his jawline, and down his neck, his skin like ice. I choked a sob, and Jonghyun’s parents and mine led me away, hold me close, and telling me it’d be okay. “I loved him so much...why didn’t I know sooner?” I murmured, low enough for no one else to hear.

~Flashback end~

“Umma? Are you okay?” Junghee asked. I came back to reality, and I glanced at my daughter. “Where was I? How did appa die? Well...his throat had some problems and then he needed a surgery, but..he didn’t survive,” I replied, trying to keep it simple for her to understand. Junghee’s eyes were slightly watered. “But...I don’t remember appa. How come you said I knew him before?” she asked.

I felt a rush of emotion, as she pressed again. “How come?” We finally reached our home, and Jinki said, “Do you want me to stay?” I sighed and said, “If you want..” Jinki sighed and then responded, “I think you should talk to Junghee alone. It’ll be better that way.”

I nodded and helped Junghee take off her seatbelt. Jinki sat in the driver’s seat, silent. “Thank you, Jinki. I really appreciate it,” I said, taking Junghee in my arms. Jinki looked back at me, and smiled slightly. “Anything for my dongsaeng.” I returned his smile with a small one like his. I got out the car, and Junghee cried out, “Bye, Uncle Onew! Say hi to Auntie Luna and cousin Seunghae for me!” I turned back to Jinki, who was beaming now. He waved from his seat and then, when we were at the front door, he backed up out of the driveway and disappeared down the road. I opened the front door and let Junghee down. She pulled off her shoes and ran to the living room where her toys were. “Junghee...” I started.

She toddled back to the entry. “Yes, umma?” she asked, holding her doll in her arms. I sighed and said, “Do you want to see more pictures of appa?” Her eyes immediately lit up. “Yes!” she said, excitedly. I picked her up again, making her squeal in delight. We walked to the room upstairs, the room I blocked off from my daughter, and the room I haven’t stepped into for the longest time. I used the key to open the door and it swung open, creaking loudly. Junghee glanced around the dark room. “It’s...clean,” she said, awed. It was strange, yes. I haven’t opened that door for two years, and there was barely any dust on the polished furniture. I took a deep breath. It smelled like him. It smelled like my husband. The husky smell of familiar cologne and a hint of my own perfume; since he’d always come and hug me or kiss me after coming home. I could almost sense him standing in front of me. Junghee motioned for me to put her down, and I did, letting her creep into the room, curiously. She blinked nervously and inhaled the way I did, taking in the smell of her own father. She walked around on the lush red carpet, shuffling to the large desk with an old laptop. She crawled onto the big seat behind the desk and sat there, looking very small. She had to lift her head to look at me. “Umma? This is comfy. I want it in my room,” she said, and I smiled. “I don’t think so, Junghee. You have your own, right?” I reminded her. She frowned, but then said, “Okay.”

I opened the drawer in the desk and found a photo album. It said ‘Jonghyun and Key’ across the cover and Junghee’s eyes widened at it. “Pictures!” she exclaimed. I flipped it open to the first page, and we saw a polaroid of Jonghyun carrying me on his back. We were in the shade of a large tree, and the sun was bright overhead. “It’s you, umma!” Junghee said, pointing to me. “Yeah,” I replied. I went to the next page, and it was a selca of us, our noses touching and our eyes closed. I had my hand in Jonghyun’s hair. Under it was another photo of us at our last concert. We were hand in hand, our arms in the air, and smiling breathlessly at the crowd, which already had burst into tears. Silent crying, tears running down our cheeks, we all aimlessly sang to a random song, acapella. Each group singing their most memorable song, debut song or not, everyone was tearing up at each word. I felt slight tears at the corner of my eyes but wiped them away before Junghee noticed. We went through the pictures of Jonghyun at his radio shows, pictures of him and me, and many more. Finally, at the last page was a picture of Jonghyun holding a baby in his arms. He was looking up at the camera, beaming with his black glasses on the bridge of his nose, and the baby was sleeping soundly in his arms. “Who’s that?” Junghee asked, pointing to the baby. I smiled at her, and said, “That’s you, Junghee.”

“Really?” she asked in disbelief. “That’s...me?” I scooped her up into my arms and said, “I wasn’t lying about you meeting him, right?” She nodded, and then yawned. Junghee leaned her head on my chest. “Love you, umma,” she said, before drifting off. “Love you too, Junghee,” I replied. This was only the beginning of Junghee’s curiosity. 

I guessed Junghee would sleep for a few hours and I put her in her bed, where she snored softly. Funny, because her quiet little snores reminded me of Jonghyun’s. I smiled to myself and went downstairs to sit on the couch. I brought my knees to my chest and sighed, staring at the coffee table. I opened the drawer, and pulled out the sheaf of photos. There was Jonghyun, smiling up at me with his amazing smile. “Jjong...if only you could see this...” I whispered, bringing the photo to my lips and kissing it.

END

Length: 4,979 words