Review: Who’s My Boyfriend?
Author: AnnPark
Reviewed on: 120526 by Marie

♦ Character Development /15
Your characters all have their own distinct traits about them, which I like, and I also enjoy the way you paired your characters together. But your characters didn’t really act their age. A lot of your characters are in their twenties or late teens but they act as if they are still thirteen. It made me doubt whether or not they really were the age you said they were. And in your foreword, you say that one character is “18-19”…Which is it?

I’m also not a fan of changing POV throughout the story, but I see why you did, and that is your choice as a writer, but personally I think you could have written the story just as well from the narrator point of view.

[10/15]

♦ Plot /25

Your plot is intriguing and simple. I think you could have pulled off a more complex plot with more intricate relations, and possible including an overlying theme to it, but the story was still nice. I wish you had included some more drama to it, instead of just writing about the individual couples and how they formed, but maybe you’re planning on doing that later in your story. I think you attempted to do this with the horror special, which was a nice break from the rest of it, but it’s a little overused, and I think you could have come up with a more interesting twist in the plot. I know love triangles are cliché, but sometimes they make the story more interesting, so if you need to, it’s okay to add one. And there are a lot more conflicts besides love triangles that you could have stuck in your story to make the reader want to know what happens next. I didn’t really ever have that edge-of-my-seat feeling while reading.

Still, you execute your plot nicely, and pace it well, so good job.

[17/25]

♦ Originality /15

I honestly don’t find this story very unique, mainly because a lot of the motifs and themes are so common. For example, I have seen plenty of fics in which a new girl group and an existing boyband fall in love. I do like that you were able to form a story off of a game show, but again, the show isn’t something completely new and original. Also, the characters that you came up with remind me of the conventional girl group, and don’t really have any defining characteristics. But still, I enjoyed this story, and I think with a  little more creativity you could make something great!

[8/15]

♦ Conventions /15

Your writing style isn’t bad, but there’s nothing exceptional about it. You have a very simple vocabulary and grammar style, which isn’t a bad thing at all, but you could definitely strengthen it. There are a few mistakes I noticed but none that take away from the effectiveness of your story, so just spice up your vocabulary and continue writing and reading a lot and you’ll get a lot better. In the previous reviews you posted, the reviewers said something about your spelling of “color”. Both ways is fine so don’t worry about that. I mean, “rumor” is more correct than “rumour” but “rumour” is just a different spelling based on location so it isn’t wrong.

There was one thing in particular that I found strange. When you say unnie or oppa, or anything in Korean, you italicize it. I’m not sure why, though, and I found it slightly bothersome. But honestly, you don’t have many grammar mistakes which is incredibly refreshing for me. Good job!

[12/15]

♦ Extras /10

Title: Obviously your title goes along well with the storyline. I don’t find your title to be something extremely appealing or eye catching, probably because I have seen many stories with similar titles. But again, it fits the plot nicely, so good job.

Graphics: I’m not going to ridicule the poster or anything because that wasn’t made by you, and it fits the story’s mood quite well. As for the background, I feel that it also fits the light, spirited mood of the story, so good job choosing it.

Description: I rather enjoy your description. I think you knew exactly what to say to draw readers in to your story. The only thing is that the font is boring, and the large photo in the foreword of a character distracts the eyes away from it. If I were a reader, I might skip over the description altogether. I suggest making the font larger or use a more interesting color.

Foreword: I advise against making character descriptions in your foreword. Personality traits such as “hardworking” or “odd personality” are things you want to introduce inside your writing, not in the foreword. You should develop these things throughout your story, instead of giving them away at the beginning. I’m not sure why fanfic writers began using character descriptions, but I find them highly unprofessional and a lazy thing to do.

Links: In Chapter 9, there is a link to One Year Later. Now, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because I understand that you want your reader to know what song you’re talking about, but I’m highly against using links in the middle of your story. It makes the story feel immature. Instead, you could have put the link in the author’s note at the bottom. This happens again in Chapter 11. Instead of providing a link like that, you could have just mentioned which song she was listening to. You should never address the reader in the middle of your story, because that is what author notes are for in the first place. So including links in the A/N is fine, but in the midst of the story…I would advise against. Also, never include photos in your story. Isn’t that what the writing is for? You should be able to describe a scene without using a photo to back yourself up. Use your words more, and your story will be very effective.

Overall the neatness and way your story is presented isn’t bad, but it isn’t something that would immediately catch my interest.

[5/10]

♦ Pace /10

You pace your story quite well, but I would have liked to see longer chapters. I’m not really a fan of having “Part 1” and “Part 2” to a chapter, and I would have rather liked to see you just combine all those parts into one chapter. Other than that, though, your story flows nicely, and you don’t rush through things or linger on things that don’t need to be taken time on. So good job.

[8/10]

♦ Meaning /10

Sometimes throughout your story, you could really touch the hearts of the reader if you added more description. I feel like you skip over things that could be really adorable, and include too much dialogue and not enough description. For example, in Chapter 11, you say this:

When I felt her starting to pull her hand away I held on tighter. Holding her hand I felt less anxious.

What I thought after reading this sentence was “How?” How does he feel less anxious? You often say how they feel, but don’t show how they feel. You could talk about how the pounding nervousness in his head began to dwindle away by just gripping her hand, or how his skipping heart slowed down, or how he could finally breath easier or something. Obviously I am exaggerating a bit, but if you just add more to it, not only will your chapters be longer, but they’ll be sweeter too.

Still, I think your story is very cute, and I enjoyed reading it. Keep up the good work!

[7/10]

♦ Overall 67/100

Your story is very adorable. I enjoyed reading it very much! I hope you’ll continue writing, and thank you for allowing me to get to know Boyfriend a little better. I’m not very familiar with them, so it’s nice to read cute fanfics like yours to broaden my knowledge of kpop ;)

Please don’t be offended by anything I have said; I promise I mean the best. Scores mean nothing, because you are a wonderful writer! Thanks for requesting, and remember to credit and comment once you’ve picked it up.

-Marie