It's Not Love [A Sorry Heart]

 

 

 

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I'm here again, feeling the breeze of the ocean. And as I reminisce our bittersweet past, I can't do anything to stop tears from falling down. I might say 1/4 of the salt water in this ocean are my tears. I gone mad after that devastating moment. But here I am, still gaga over him. Can't accept the fcuking truth that there is no US. And there'll never be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[A/N:Italicized are flashbacks. And these are all Jessica's POV]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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It's been a long time since I stepped in our house. Hmmm! I miss oppa so much! It's been months since we two saw each other. He didn't even visit me in the city! This jerk-oppa! Hmmm, but nevermind that! He's the besssssst oppa! When my mum left, he's the one who took care of me all these years, he slept with me at night, hug me when I cry, tell me the crappiest jokes he had, but still, I can't help but laugh to his fish face. Stupid me, right? I can't help it. I'm hopelessly drowning in love with him. He never knew, but I hope, one day, he'll know my feelings for him.

 

 

 

 

 

'Sooyeon-ah!' Oh there he is!

 

I jumped to him, and he hugged me tightly. I missed everything about him.

 

 

I made a sulky face. I pouted my lips at him. And he gave me that fish face! This guy .......

 

 

'Why are you like that?'

 

Oh, I thought he wouldn't ask.

 

 

'Who did promise to visit me in my dorm at Seoul? Who did promise bring me his own version kimchi! Who did promise me to come to my performance! Who did—'

 

He hugged me tightly while I'm hitting his chest hard. I broke into tears as he broke so many promises.

 

 

'Learn to be alone, Sooyeon—ah .... I'll not be here forever to be with you ....'

 

 

My heart broke as I heard his words. What does he mean by that?

 

 

 

 

 

 

My mind came back when I felt something wet on my head. It was when I realized it's raining. I rushed to a nearby abandoned stall to hid myself from the pouring rain.

 

 

 

 

 

It's raining, oh crap. Where is oppa? He said he'll be here for lunch. I'm very hungry. If I only know how to cook... I wouldn't starve like this.

 

 

'I'm home!' I heard the fishy shouted!

 

 

'Are you really planning to kill me by starving? It's 1:49 for god's sake! What time's your lunch? Huh!?'

 

 

'Sssh, I'm sorry princess, I'm sorry. Ofcourse, I'm not planning to kill you, but if I'm going to do that, I'll make sure you'll die with a tape in your mouth. Second, my lunch should be on 1, cos I ate breakfast at 9. But since you woke up 10, you sure rushing 'bout your brunch. Am I right?'

 

 

'You—!'

 

 

 

/

 

 

 

 

I can't sleep, it's too dark tonight. Maybe there's no moon. I'm really scared. I think oppa is sleeping right now. I should sleep too. But I don't think I can. I'm really scared. Acckk.

 

 

'I know you're scared there missy.'

 

He held my hand tightly.

 

'Sleep. I'll be here.'

 

 

 

His actions really make me flutter. Now, I can't even sleep more. I mean, he always do this to me whenever I feel scared at night, but something's not right this time.

 

 

I just stayed still and closed my eyes. It's been an hour since oppa held my hand.

 

 

I felt him releasing his tight grip onto mine. He silently sit up, covered me with blanket and said, 'I'm sorry, Sooyeon-ah. You should learn to be alone.'

 

 

 

 

The heavy rain stopped. I started to walk to the neighborhood near the beach. This is where we live before. Before we separated because of such things.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm waiting oppa in front of the university. He said that after this, we'll go to the nearby park and play. What's taking him so long? He said that he'll be out at two, so what's wrong?

 

 

 

'Sooyeon-ssi!' Oh, that's Leeteuk oppa!

 

'Teukkie oppa!'

 

 

I hugged him. He is Hae oppa's bestfriend. And I am his favorite dongsaeng.

 

 

'How's my favorite girl? Anyways, what are you doing here? Don't you have school at Seoul?'

 

 

'I'm fine oppa. Still pretty as before! I don't have school at Seoul, we still have vacation. I'm here, waiting for Hae oppa. Have you seen him?'

 

 

'You little girl! Oh, Hae? He's with Yuri-ssi, don't you know?'

 

'Who's Yuri?'

 

'Donghae's girl. Don't you know that? They've been in a relationship for a week. They look perfect? Aren't they?'

 

 

I was dumbstruck. I don't know what to say. Hae didn't tell me. Am I that unimportant to him?

 

 

'H-he didn't tell me anything bout that, oppa. I'm here because he told me we're going to the park nearby. But I guess, he can't make it. So, I'm just going home. Bye Teukkie oppa!'

 

I hugged oppa and rushed to the bus stop. Tears trickled down my face. My heart just broke. So, that's why he's being weird. Telling me that I need to learn to be myself alone, telling me that I should know how to cook and blah blah. I know it now. I can't be with him forever, cos he don't love me the way I do.

 

 

 

 

I reached the house and I tucked myself to the bed. I just wanted to sleep. I don't want to drown myself to crying, cos it will just lead me to nothing.

 

 

I slept for hours, and it's already 9PM. I heard the main door creaked. Oppa's home, I guess. I feel so hungry so I silently creeped to the kitchen to make some sandwich.

 

 

 

'Sooyeon—ah ..........'

I heard the fish said in his serious tone.

I didn't mind him and just keep doin' my sandwich. I felt his presence beside me, but still, I don't want to see him. I locked myself in the room. I know that he knew I'm mad at him.

 

 

 

I grabbed some water when I accidentally met with him.

 

 

'Let's talk.'

 

 

 

/

 

 

 

'Look, Sooyeon, I'm sorry. Teukkie said you waited for me but I-'

 

'No need to explain, oppa. I know you can't choose me. You have your girlfriend, so I know you wouldn't prioritize me than her right?'

 

I calmly said, but deep inside I'm really dying.

 

 

'I'll try to catch up some other time with you, I promise.'

 

He help his pinky finger up.

 

'Don't promise me anything, you always break it. Besides, a girl always needs attention, so just give your time to her, not to me.'

 

 

I walk back to the room; I can't help but to cry. I need to ask him one thing. Why did he keep me instead of giving me to someone if he doesn't love me?

 

 

I opened the door and rushed to him.

 

 

 

'Let me ask you Lee Donghae. Why did you treat me like this all these years? Why did you take care of me? Why did you treat me so special?'

 

 

 

'I— ....'

 

 

'Answer me!'

 

 

 

 

Flashback.

 

At The Hospital, 10 Years Ago

Donghae's POV

 

'Donghae-ah, Please take care of Sooyeon for me. I can't do it anymore. She's still young.'

 

I look at the little girl who's holding her pink cute bunny stuff toy. I bet she doesn't know what her mom is going through.

 

'Please, Donghae, Please.'

 

Her weak voice. I can't do anything. I know Mrs. Jung eversince, but I'm not close with her daughter.

 

 

'I will, I promise.'

 

 

/

 

 

 

I held the girl's hand. She's just 5 years old. And maybe, she still don't know what death is. I'll take care of her.

 

 

 

 

End of Flashback./ End of POV

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'So that's it? A promise? Thanks for fulfilling it, oppa.' I said sarcastically.

 

 

I packed up my stuffs. I'm leaving. I'll go back to my dorm at Seoul. Maybe he's confused why I do act like this.

 

 

 

'Why are you being like this, Sooyeon—ah!?' He asked me. I knew it. This dumb fish!

 

 

 

'Ofcourse you don't know! I love you! You idiot! I'm leaving! Be happy, take care of her.'

 

 

 

I pushed him out of the room and slammed the door. I packed all of my things. After an hour, I'm ready to leave. I can't see any trace of him. Maybe he's really sick of me.

 

 

 

 

I'm here in front of our old house. The place where I first experience love, and first heartbreak as well.

 

I looked at the window, and there he is. It's been years since I last saw his face. He's still the guy I love. How I wish I could bring back time, and made him love me the way I do. Unlike now, creeping out of my crazy schedules just to see him. Just to give myself a heartbreak.

 

I started to walk away, when I heard a voice called me.

 

 

'Excuse me! I think you dropped something.'

 

 

I looked back and saw him holding the ribbon.

 

 

He stared at the ribbon and looked at me.

 

'S—sooyeon?'

 

I grabbed the the ribbon and walk away fast.

 

 

'I know that's you! What are you doing here?'

 

 

I still walked away, not facing him. Just when I felt someone grabbed me and turned my body. I felt something on my lips. My eyes dropped as I realized he kissed me. I can't fight back, I still love him. I closed my eyes and feel the moment I always dreamed.

 

 

He broke the kiss.

 

 

'You won. You have my heart, Jung Sooyeon.'