To my love, my other half,

I was nobody. I don’t have a perfect body for this less than perfect soul. Sometimes when nights get silent and I am positive God will hear my prayers clearly I would pray for a pair of wings and a halo. At least I’d become an angel. But still, I stayed the same.

--

Woke up every morning and dug into the fridge for a carton concentrated orange juice, and a bottle of plain water. This was  what my life has resolved to. Dull. Lifeless. A routine. But it was satisfactory. Never had a moment to think what could go wrong. I was used to the usual. I could use a little more planning, but my brain was too numb to be awaken for a change. I was fine.

--

Maybe things did go to a slightly different direction that one time. Had a little palpitation, probably due to lack of rest at work, or maybe had a little too much caffeine before going to work that morning, that led me to the hospital. Made me smile thinking about that. Waiting for my blood test, I think that was the first time I saw you. Sitting silently in one of those benches. I think I still remember that blue vest you wore with yellow t-shirt? And a pair of very baggy pants. I only glanced at you, before turning my attention to other people. I didn’t know. My life went on as usual.

--

Our second meet was probably planned. By Him. I was a little too jinxed that day. Meetings went wrong. Projects were postponed. I got drunk in the middle of the day and took a nap in the park. Woke up and lost my wallet and phone. Hid in the deserted phone booth, and looked for some changes on the booth’s floor so I can take a bus ride home. And we met. It was random, but you insisted I get out of the phone booth so you can make a call. I ignored you. Nobody in Korea doesn’t own a hand phone! I even scoffed. You sobbed and cursed and begged to use the phone. Nobody was around. I gave in because it was  awkward to know that I had made a guy cried in front of me. Now I’m taking the space in this letter to officially apologize to you about that day. I hope it’s not too late.. he he he..  

I waited outside, heard your conversation on the phone. Your voice was deep and soulful. Somewhere in between. Not that of a hoarse male voice, nor that of a throaty female’s. In between sobs you cried to the receiver of your call. You spoke in a language I couldn’t muster (English?). And wiped your snort from your tiny red nose. I handed you a handkerchief, to which you accepted without a glance at me. That first meet was planned. You took something of mine that I offered, and left dibs on it. Those were the memories that made me laugh.

--

I don’t know when and how we got closer. Maybe the day I decided to lose my shyness and asked for some change to borrow so I can get home? Or maybe the moment you smiled and thanked me for my handkerchief? Maybe the latter. Your smile, despite your flushed wet face, brightened up my day, knocked me into my senses. I became sober at once. I wasn’t even being mushy right now.  And you introduced yourself.

“Amber Josephine”

--

Amber Josephine. I admitted I was stunned. A lovely foreign name. Maybe this is how they felt the moment you know you’re no longer strangers. Because in an instant I saw you. A girl. Beneath those baggy clothes, trying to hide your identity. Your femininity. Your beauty. (Giggles) I’m sorry, I am such a dork. Pardon me. I’m basically smitten all over again when I remember the day I know you. Crying over such a small matter. That it was scary to donate blood, and that you had to call your sister to calm you down. You’re funny, Amber. And amazingly brave. You know a lot of people will be thankful to you for your donation, right? A lot of people will no longer be sick because of you. Don’t cry anymore. Be strong.

--

Amber Josephine. I have no idea when that name became the word I thought about the most. The name I missed the most. We met again, and again, and had lunch together, another lunch, and that led to a few more dinners. And a new relationship I took up all my courage to ask and grow. Thank you, Amber. I love you. Always will. You changed my life. Yes, I still woke up to sweetened juice box, but I noticed I woke up thinking if you had your breakfast yet. Yes I still went to bed at 2 every night. But I texted or called for a good night wish. My brain was no longer numb. My heart was soaring. I thought I felt alive. My prayers at nights were reduced to casual chats with God. I thanked Him for giving me you. I truly am. Nights were no longer silent. I learned to listen to more meaningful love songs, and message ringtones filled my every night. We were both in love. I knew it.

Maybe like that handkerchief I offered to you, I offered to you my heart, and you accepted it, and used it well. (I’m smiling now).

--

“I, Kim MyungSoo, take you, Amber Josephine Liu, as my wife, to love and be loved, until death do us part.” My vow to you. On our wedding day. I had to add a few things though. Can I say it now? Death would probably do us part. And so what? Maybe we will be stuck in a transition. Maybe one of us would move on. And lose memories of the little things that we used to love about each other. Maybe sadness clears and become bittersweet experience. And one of us might not let go because of our guilt. But my darling wife. Have faith. One of us will wait with God. I mean, He made us meet each other for the first time. Made us fall in love. Believe in Him for the second time. Oh, for me, the third. Because I saw you first at the hospital. Third time’s a charm! And you are my lucky charm, my dear wife, my Amber Josephine.

You were the most beautiful wife ever that day. And any other day, of course (putting this down before you hit me). That wedding dress looked lovely on you. I think I married an angel that day. Maybe there was a reason I asked for wings and a halo but I didn’t get them. I got you instead. A real life angel. Surreal.

--

Your attempt being a good housewife is amazingly cute. You vacuumed the house tidy, but you forgot about the cookies you baked. You called your mother for a recipe, but you completely forgotten my shirt that you left in the middle of ironing. You went out for grocery shopping, but you left your house keys. You’re definitely a sweet oddball, my wife! And I wouldn’t change you for anything. Not even for my health, or for my wealth. You’re the best person in my life. And I am not even exaggerating. Well, maybe I was a little. But since this is my love letter to you, I figured romantic words would suit. (You know I’m joking, you should by now know my irking personality –inserting my made face if you don’t-) You’re amazing. Please let your mom know that I am thinking of hugging her for giving birth to a great person that you are.

--

Our marriage is nearing a year. Sorry for not being able to spend so much time with you. I tried my best. I quitted my job few months before especially because I wanted to spend more time with you. Don’t worry about our financial situation, yeobo. I have it all covered. Maybe we did live a life in a drama, didn’t we? I loved when you wear your white cotton nightgown and slept in late until 10 in the morning. Your serene sleeping figure is huggable. Reliable. Like there’s another day for me. You always sleep on your tummy. I used to joke that was the reason you’re tiny chested. But the truth is, you’re beautiful, and I’m such a dork for teasing you too much.

--

Lately you don’t seem to want to leave your bed so much anymore. Come on, baby. Do this for me? You’re thinning. And remember that I’m always here to hug you, just like the times you suffer your period cramps, or the times you won’t get out of bed because of your PMS. Imagine I’m hugging you right now as we speak. Things will be alright. Sickness will be better. Hurt will fade. Smile, and face the day. I love you.

--

I’m disappointed that our marriage days were filled with appointments with doctors, and hospital trips. Yes, Amber. I had to admit. I am disappointed that we were not as happy and blissful as other newly married couples.. I’m sorry you had to see me leave through those treatment room doors. I never wanted to leave either. But I was always happy to meet you again afterwards. Whatever happens now, don’t regret. Because..

I’m the guilty one. Remember when I told you I used to wish for wings and a halo? I think maybe He is granting me that wish now. It was a little too late, and I don’t really need them anymore, but He never looked away from a prayer. I’m getting a pair of wings and a halo now. So I can be your angel. You always told me I was your guardian angel, but this time, I can guard over you in a real way.24/7. Healthy, unsick.

--

Thank you for looking after me in that big scary ol white room. Thank you for bringing fresh flowers every two days, even when I was too tired to appreciate them. I saw them. Even with eyes closed I could feel your presence in my ward. Thank you, wife. I wished you never have to witness my sickness. Who would have thought that my palpitation became more frequent 2 months after our marriage, and that it turned out I had a stage 5 heart disease? If I had known, I would never wish to put you in this situation. But Amber, I’m sorry if I didn’t say I wish I would never marry you. Cuz marrying you is the best thing happened in my life.

--

I’m sorry for losing my charms to my sickness. Being sickly thin . I can’t even get up on my own. But I’m better now. Don’t worry over me. I’m better now. Amber Josephine, my beautiful boyish wife. I see you’re still sleeping holding on to your tissue box. I don’t fancy you and the box becoming best friends. Call your real best friends, or your sister. Talk to them. They will help you.

--

Walking to the bed right now. You’re still in that fetal position. I want to hug you, because I miss you, and because I couldn’t stand seeing you sad. No more, baby. No more crying. I’m here for you. You might not see me. But I am here. Here’s a little side joke for you. My new friend, Oxygen (signature: O₂ ) got pretty jealous of me because he was always around you, making sure you breathe well, but you never cried for him. He said it was not fair that you cried for me when you didn’t see me (even though I am around) but never for him.

Okay, okay.

Lame joke. But really. Rest assured that I am now friends with Oxygen. We’re together all the time. But of course, I’m way better looking. I’m an angel now. But know that, when I said I’m friend with the air around us, you know that I’m around you too.

--

Dear Amber, I wrote a love letter of three pages long. Maybe you would read it when you’re ready. I’ll leave it underneath your pillow, like Aunt Tooth Fairy would do for little kids. I hope this works.

I’m hugging you until you’re ready to wake up. But my letter ends now. I hope you’ll feel better. Oh, Big G sends His love for you. Be nice, He’s our match maker.

-L                                      

(Your official guardian angel, your other half, husband in-waiting, the maknae of all maknae Angels)