She remembers how it ends. She remembers how it ends - not with a bang, but with a whimper.

 

“Winter, can we please talk?”

 

Winter sighs a little too loudly and pauses in her steps. She hates acting like this but she can’t find it in herself to face her.

 

“Winter,” she says again and she can feel her right behind her. “Why are you acting like this?”

 

Because you broke my heart, Karina.

 

But she does not say it out loud because, the truth is, Karina really did not do anything. It was all Winter’s fault for falling in love with her. Her best friend.

 

“I don’t really want to talk to you right now, Karina.”

 

“Why?” 

 

“Because…”

 

Because, because, because

 

“You know you could always tell me anything, right?” Karina says, lightly touching her arm and Winter musters up all the strength inside her to not turn around and hug her.

 

Not anymore.

 

She just sighs. 

 

“I thought we were friends?”

 

The word stings more than she expected it to. She turns around and sees Karina with her eyes starting to brim with tears and she feels like a deer trapped in headlights.

 

“Look, Karina, I really don’t want to talk right now.”  

 

She turns and walks away because that was so much easier than seeing her cry.

 

She never sees her again.

 

 

She remembers meeting her. She remembers meeting her and already wanting to kiss her.

 

Karina, the transferee; the new girl in their junior year of high school.

 

“Hello, I’m Katarina Yu,” she introduces herself in front of the class with a soft yet confident voice. “I’m…new,” she adds with a giggle and everybody laughs. She smiles, her eyes turning into crescents as she watches the whole class say hello.

 

“Okay, Miss Yu. You can go ahead and sit beside Winter Kim over there,” their homeroom teacher says, pointing towards Winter’s direction.

 

Karina smiles and bows towards her before mouthing a soft thank you to their teacher and walking to her seat.

 

She smiles at Winter before sitting down. Winter notices her hair first: long, dark and luscious (smells really good too: like lemon. And maybe coconuts?) And then her eyes: round and dark when she wasn’t smiling but turned into twinkling crescents when she did. And then . And then the tiny beauty mark under the left corner of her lips…

 

“I’m Katarina but you can call me Karina,” Karina says, offering her hand, waking Winter from her stupor.

 

“I’m…Winter,” she says, after a beat, shaking Karina’s hand. “But you can call me…Winter.”

 

Karina laughs softly. “You’re funny.” 

 

Winter did not mean to be funny but she laughs along anyway. 

 

(She doesn’t kiss her)

 

 

She remembers everything. She remembers everything but not how she falls in love.

 

It starts. She doesn’t remember when and how but boy does it start.

 

Karina is beautiful. Everybody knows that.

 

But does everybody’s heart start thrashing like a butterfly in a jar every time Karina speaks? Does everybody feel their mouth stretch into the widest smiles every time Karina walks into the room? Does everybody feel like they just want to give Karina the whole world (and so much more?)

 

“You’re an angel, Karina,” one of their classmates say after Karina’s spiel about volunteering.

 

She definitely looks like one too.

 

Karina, an angel, beautiful inside and out. Everyone knows that. She draws people in and holds them close and everyone waits around just to get a glimpse of her light.

 

Angel.

 

Winter guesses she’s smitten, just like everyone else.

 

But when Karina accidentally brushes her hand on her arm as she walks past her, she feels a shiver slightly against her. She knows its’s not merely infatuation.

 

It was so much more.

 

-

 

It’s a delicate combination: late nights and alcohol.

 

“You’re drunk.”

 

“I’m not!” Karina giggles, her face red up to her ears.

 

There’s moonlight pouring in from the window and Winter watches Karina lying on her bed, her eyes closed, her breathing steady. Winter thinks she has fallen asleep.

 

“Tell me your deepest, darkest secret,” she says out of nowhere, almost a whisper; her eyes still closed.

 

“I like girls.”

 

“Mmhmm.”

 

Winter sits up, incredulous. “You ask for my deepest, darkest secret and that’s all you’re going to say?”

 

“But that’s not a secret, Win-Win.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I kinda knew that already,” Karina replies.

 

“Who told you?”

 

“You did, Winter!” Karina says, finally opening her eyes. “You just did. But I kinda knew before that,” she adds, sitting up to face Winter.

 

“And you didn’t say anything?”

 

“What’s there to say, Winter?”

 

“Am I really that easy to read?” Winter rolls her eyes.

 

Karina laughs and suddenly it becomes Winter’s favorite sound.

 

“If it’s a secret, it’s safe with me,” Karina places a hand over Winter’s, telling her it was all right. Everything’s going to be all right.

 

“You’re okay?”

 

“Of course, I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”

 

“Because I just told you I like girls.”

 

“I’m offended, Winter. What do you take me for?” Karina says, feigning hurt.

 

“Sorry, sorry! I just thought…”

 

There’s a silence.

 

“Not everyone is as cruel as you think, Winter. You didn’t have to tell me but thank you for trusting me.”

 

“Yeah, but you already knew,” Winter teases.

 

“Okay then, for real this time, tell me your deepest, darkest secret,” Karina says, her eyes glinting with mischief.

 

She could have told her then - I like girls. But I like you the most.

 

She tells her about how her brother lost his dog instead - “I was the one who let him out of the house. By accident. It’s not my fault he was too stupid to not know the way back home.”

 

There’s her favorite sound again: Karina’s laughter.

 

“Do they know? About you?”

 

Winter nods

 

“How?”

 

Winter shrugs. “Just like you, they just knew.”

 

-
 

She wakes up the next morning to her warmth - her glow - snuggled comfortably against her neck, her lips almost touching her skin. It fits, she thinks. It fits like a puzzle. 

 

She watches Karina smile in her sleep. She almost kisses her.

 

(She doesn’t.)

 

-

 

She’s always had a tiny little crush on her best friend. Well that was before she became that - her best friend. After that, she drew a line. Because people don’t fall in love with their best friends.

 

“Promise me you’ll let me go first.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“You’ll let me go first, okay?”

 

“Go where?”

 

“To heaven.”

 

“What are you talking about, Rina? Don’t be silly.”

 

“If you die first I’d be so sad, Win-win. I’d be so sad I would die!”

 

“Then we’d be dead together.”

 

Karina punches her shoulder.

 

She imagines a world without Karina. It leaves a bad taste in .

 

“But you can’t die before I do, Rina. I wouldn’t allow it.”

 

Ka