i. don’t want no other shade of blue (but you)

Minjeong blinks slowly in the darkness of her room. She still feels a heaviness in her eyes but there's a struggle to fall back asleep, regardless of how much she tosses or turns. Hands rub up and down her face lazily, but they’re unmistakably cold, causing a shiver throughout her body. The heating must be off at the moment and she can’t be bothered to go down to the kitchen to turn it on.

It’s been a while since she’s struggled with sleep like this, but judging by the occasion she’s not surprised. Ever since she confirmed that she’d received her invitation, she’s been more than a little anxious. 

She sits up and rests against the headboard for a moment before she reaches over and turns on her nightlight on the bedside table. Now able to see in the dim light, she shuffles through her daily supplements, but can’t quite find what she’s looking for. 

Frustrated, she leans back again, her face angled towards the ceiling but her eyes closed as she lets out a sigh. Finally getting herself together, she pulls one of the blankets away and drapes it over herself to brave against the cold as she moves towards her closet. 

She has to shuffle a few things around, but she finds a box in the bottom compartment, buried under shampoo and cleaning products. When she opens the box there’s an unexpected pain starting from her chest that quickly seeps deep into her bones. She finds the familiar purple-lidded container, storing the sleeping gummies that had carried her through the years leading up to university, but she should have known that the box would have contained things from her high school days, which means it contained remnants of her . 

Although it's dark, she can still make out the glossy photos that have somehow managed to make their way into her hands. The first one is a polaroid of four, still dressed in blazers and pencil skirts as they pose with toothy grins and peace signs. She thinks she remembers asking her English teacher to take the photo, and she remembers why when she cycles to the next photo to find them awkwardly cramped in the frame in a failed selca. The exposure is way off, so the photo is too bright in places it shouldn’t be. You can just about make out Aeri’s left eye and the corner of her lips. Ning is no more than a forehead, whilst she and Jimin are pushed up close together, cheek to cheek in an effort to make enough space for all of them. 

Her knees that were on the carpeted floor are then pulled towards her chest with her the base of her feet now planted on the floor. Minjeong finds herself pulling the photos closer to her centre as if to ease some of the pain. But it stings. It lingers. It shouldn’t hurt like this. 

Seeing enough, she shuffles to the next photo, but soon wishes she hadn’t. It’s a narrow strip of four photos this time. She remembers how they complained about getting scammed, paying five whole pounds from their allotted allowance once the photos were taken, but how they couldn’t resist paying up after seeing the preview of images. The two of them are wearing headbands. Jimin’s cat ears are black and pointed, whilst her own are white and floppy. Much like the last photo, they’re cheek-to-cheek in the first shot. 

In the second, she sees herself smiling brightly at the camera, her teeth showing off a boxy grin with a comical wink. Only she is looking at the camera though. It’s impossible to miss the soft glance Jimin bores into her, eyes crinkled, full of a familiar affection that still manages to feel distant and foreign now. She tries to remember the last time she ever saw her look at someone like that, with a boundless, pure affection that’s sweet enough to decay. 

Now all she’s left with is the rot. An ache that corrodes.

The third, a hand on Jimin’s cheek. The whites of her teeth disappear as her lips press against each other, forming a shy smile, but the glimmer in her eyes reflects Minjeong’s own affection and their shared young love. 

In the last photo, the two of them meet in a picturesque kiss. Both their eyes are closed. Jimin’s headband is almost sliding off, her hands gripping Minjeong’s shoulders as if to say I’d never let go . Minjeong feels a wring in her heart, as if it's being pulled and twisted. It almost feels like mourning in a way; grieving an innocence and naivety that is lost. Dead. Something as foolish as a first love that was believed to be unbreakable. 

Minjeong decides to not go through the next few photographs, for her own good. Because she knows that if she continues with the photos, she’ll move on to the handwritten letters and then from there, all four of their anniversary gifts. But before she puts the box away she allows herself one last indulgence. Dainty fingers linger, gently the side of Jimin’s face before she brings the image to her chest. 

“I hope you’re happy, Jimin.” She murmurs with closed eyes, as if making a wish. 

In her own way, it’s how she says I love you .

She puts everything back where she found it, save for the melatonin which she brings to her bedside table. She has a feeling she’ll be needing it for the upcoming week– or months. 

The lights are off. There’s a familiar hum, followed by a low vibration, indicating that the heater is up again. She finally crawls back into bed after she turns off the lamp. The gummy is tough and stale. The taste of artificial strawberry dances on her tongue as the supplement forms a sticky sludge that sticks to the molars of her teeth.

ii. throughout our time spent walking through memories (you’re still beautiful) 

Four months have passed since Minjeong had received the pink envelope containing the details of Yu Jimin’s wedding. In that time since, she hasn’t met the bride-to-be once. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t think about her. There isn’t a day that passes when she doesn’t. 

Some are easier than others. Sometimes it comes in a wave of nostalgic reminiscence that leaves a small lingering smile. Other times, it’s a pressing weight that threatens to crush her chest, leaving her heaving for air. It appears that there is no sense of linearity in it all, emotions coming in like the ebbs and flows of waves rather than a predictable straight line of progress. Things become difficult, things become easy and sometimes they will get difficult again. 

As the seasons slowly change, Minjeong learns the truth in the reality that her assumptions were wrong. Though she was right in the sense some days are harder than others, she didn’t realise that there was a general trend of improvement. Perhaps there was a sort of linearity after all. Slowly but surely, the sharp, jagged edges of loss are dulled out by waves, eroded by time to become more manageable, no longer sharp enough to cut, though it still may leave the skin tender. 

One could dare to call it haunting, living in the traces of someone else. Experiencing memories of a life that is no longer yours. But Minjeong doesn’t see it that way anymore. After all, can it really be haunting if it's just a constant reminder of your own capacity to give and receive love? There doesn’t seem to be anything ghoulish about that. 

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟

Jimin’s wedding is perfect in every way you can imagine. Not an expense spared, the venue itself is lively and grand. The ceremony takes place nestled between lush gardens and colourful blooming flowers. Minjeong herself is one of five bridesmaids, all dressed in a light blue of course, as per the bride's wishes. Minjeong finds comfort in the familiar faces of her high school and sixth-form friends who look ecstatic to see her. She remembers when Jimin asked her, almost nervously. It touched her to know that even with all their history, Jimin stressed the importance of her as a dear friend and still as someone that she wanted to share such a momentous occasion with. 

Jimin’s parents are surprised to see her there too, and greet her with warm hugs and bright smiles. They never knew about their relationship and the two of them only planned to ever do so when they got married. One of the very few secrets that Jimin had ever kept from her parents. When they were younger the two of them liked to pretend that they had some forbidden love set in the Joseon Dynasty, but the reality was simply that although a lot has changed since those times, there was still a lot to be afraid of. As sad as that might sound though, Minjeong is glad in the moment as she is smothered by Jimin’s mum and dad, caught in a group hug that makes her giggle. The moment she spends with them isn’t very long, but leaves her feeling warm nevertheless. 

Aeri gives a speech that leaves the whole room wiping away at their tears, if not from laughter during the parts in the beginning, then surely by her touching words at the tail end. If you somehow didn’t have a heart and didn’t cry by then, Jimin’s dad’s speech would have definitely done the trick. As he shared anecdotes about his little girl growing up, and watching her bloom into the woman she is today. The man who was usually so quiet and reserved bared his heart out to the audience and expressed his pride and joy for everyone to see.

Minjeong watches as Jimin walks down the aisle, clinging to her father’s hand. Jimin doesn’t look around. She doesn’t spare a glance at her friends and family who have come to celebrate this momentous occasion. Jimin’s soft glance holds a boundless affection that Minjeong recognises instantly. The feeling that washes over her at that moment is difficult to describe. There’s a simmering jealousy that she thought she had successfully buried, still managing to numb the edges of her heart. Though she told herself she wouldn’t, she can’t help a deprived corner of her mind that imagines another life where it’s her instead. But beyond that, there's still a warmth that passes through the bitter cold and warms her back up, and that's the understanding that Jimin has found someone who she truly loves. She can recognise that immediately, and that gives her peace. Minjeong knows that after this, she can wholeheartedly say that she can support Jimin through anything. 

And so Minjeong listens and watches. Jimin and her partner ex