“Wala ka ng class, right?” Seulgi asked.

 

 

I looked at her. She was leaning on the driver’s seat with one hand on the steering wheel and the other just gently massaging her temple.

 

 

In a kinda hot afternoon, we were stuck in traffic on our way to a mall in Makati. I just don’t know if this is what stresses her or the fact that I got into a big, can-ruin-number-of-friendships type of fight with her annoying best friend.

 

 

I couldn’t even mention her name until I felt so so guilty. I hate that I hate feeling guilty over this. Kasi naman, over my anger, I might have said things with intentions to hurt Lisa.

 

 

Seulgi already talked to me about it pero I can’t help   but overthink about it until I face her best friend again.

 

 

Well…I told her that she’s so careless. That she only relies with her friends (specifically Seulgi) to fix her messes like this one, ruining my pullover while I was wearing it.

 

 

“I don’t think I could still go to class after that,” I said. I’m still wearing Lisa’s hoodie. Parang hindi ko kayang suotin ‘yung replacement pullover na binili niya kanina. If she intended to make me feel twice as bad as I made her feel kanina, she definitely succeeded. 

 

 

Maybe Seulgi felt I was staring too much kaya inayos na niya upo niya. The traffic is finally moving. 

 

 

Umiwas na rin ako ng tingin.

 

 

Now I get Irene. Seulgi looks cool while looking like this awkward, clueless person. It’s…cute. 

 

 

At kanina, lalo na.

 

 

The thing is we’re not really close. She’s just a friend of my other friends. She’s so quiet that we rarely get interaction. If meron man, it’s just small talk. She would actively try to end the conversation with a slight smile and proceed to talk to her best friends kapag magkakasama kami.

 

 

Pero kanina, she went out of her way to talk to me, not to be mad on behalf of her best friend, but to actually talk to me and try to understand my side. She even comforted me and hugged me, which turned out to be something I needed.

 

 

Kaya gets na gets na gets ko na si Irene and probably Joy, too. Joy couldn’t deny it anymore na she had this huge crush on Seulgi. I think she’s just trying to reduce it into a “happy crush”.

 

 

 Hindi ko talaga gets before but now, I, Jennie Ruby Jane Mendes, admit that Seulgi is my happy crush. I’m actually saying it in my mind because I don’t want to freak Seulgi out.

 

 

I just hope hindi ako sakalin ni Irene.

 

 

Not to bring up scoreboards, but I think I’m ahead with that hug earlier. I asked Seulgi and she said yes. Oh wait, Irene’s “accidental” kiss! At least, sober ako and I actually asked for consent, right? Beats her.

 

 

My God, sasakalin talaga ako ni Irene later.

 

 

To actually keep my mind off of my guilt, I kept teasing Irene about this little getaway with Seulgi. She even texted Seulgi to ask where we were going kaso sa akin pina-reply ni Seulgi using her phone kaya ayun, I can only  imagine Irene’s face when I face her later.

 

 

We arrived at the mall shortly after, and we’re on the way to the gadgets and equipment section.

 

 

“I got a question,” I asked breaking the silence between us.

 

 

“Ano ‘yun?”

 

 

“‘Di ba you’ve been studying in RVBP ever since?”

 

 

“Yeah. Why?” 

 

 

As anak ng may-ari ng school, coined by my current kaaway, I’ve been with RVBP ever since with Irene, Rosé, Kai, Chanyeol, Suho, Bogum, and my old friend Krystal. The others either joined late or they left and came back. But us, we grew up together in RVBP.

 

 

But ngayon ko lang talaga na-notice si Seulgi. Were we that snob?

 

 

“Why weren’t we friends?” I asked.

 

 

Napangiti siya like there’s a whole lot of things to unpack there. Okay, weird question ata.

 

 

Lumingon siya sa side ko saglit and back to the stores along our way.

 

 

“Where do I start?,” she paused for a moment before speaking again. “I just didn’t feel like I belong in your friend group, to say the least.”

 

 

“Huy, we’re cool kaya!” This time, I faced her. Hindi niya ako tiningnan still pero tinawanan niya reaction ko.

 

 

“That’s why. I was this shy girl and you were with the cool kids. I know. I know. Masyadong black and white ‘yun, but that’s how it is. I wanted to stay lowkey and you were the popular ones.”

 

 

“And now? Do you still see me as a cool kid?”

 

 

“Are you kidding me? You’re Jennie Mendes. You will always be cool to me and to many,” she answered quickly.

 

 

What the hell

 

 

I don’t think she noticed pero I looked away to hide the fact that I might have just blushed. I mean, who wouldn’t?? The way she said that, parang it’s meant to make you feel something different.

 

 

I’m sure Seulgi meant no malice or anything pero naman kasi. Kasi naman!!!

 

 

Please don’t tell Irene pero kinilig ako.

 

 

So that’s it, huh? Joy mentioned something na kapag nakasama raw namin si Seulgi, Rosé and I would know about what’s she’s saying. There’s something in Seulgi daw that when you are with her, you would feel special, comfortable, safe, and just in general, at home. Irene wasn’t with us when we were talking about this but we know she feels the same way. I can tell even when she was trying to hide. I just didn’t want to say anything kasi, she’s Irene, and I thought she handles big feelings well.

 

But with her text messages just now, I was wrong.

 

 

Anyway. I remember saying, for a happy crush, that’s just some mad description. Joy definitely caught feelings for her before.

 

 

BUT NOW? Gets ko na. Again and again. 

 

 

I don’t have any feelings for Seulgi and I’m sure of that. She’s feeling-at-home personified. Definitely in a non-romantic way dahil again, sasakalin ako ni Irene.

 

 

Seulgi is just genuine like that. 

 

 

- - - 

 

 

I don’t really know about the camera Lisa likes, but Seulgi knows about it kaya siya nakipag-usap sa store.

 

 

I stayed at her side as she was going through the cameras. People really are extra charming when they’re in their element. I see it with Seulgi.

 

 

“I’ll check their other cameras if that’s okay? I want to shoot with Krystal after,” sabi niya after mahanap ‘yung dream camera ni Lisa.

 

 

I was taken aback.

 

 

Right. May Krystal nga pala. Hindi lang talaga ako sanay to hear her name outside my own group because the wounds are still fresh and I’m still mad at her.

 

 

While she was playing with the camera settings, I asked Seulgi what has been bugging me for a minute.

 

 

“Krystal knows you’re with me, right?”

 

 

“Yeah, I texted her before we left,” she answered casually. Wala ba siyang alam or chill lang talaga siya?

 

 

“She’s okay with it?”

 

 

“Why not?”

 

 

“Well— teka. Do you even know our history?”

 

 

“What history?”

 

 

“Are you just playing dumb or wala ka talagang alam about it?”

 

 

“I might know something, but I want it to come from you. I might say something na hindi pala tama because I just heard the other side”

 

 

“That’s so respectful of you.”

 

 

 

Okay, uuwi talaga ako from this Makati date with a full crush on Seulgi. Sakalin man ako ni Irene.

 

 

 

“Anyway, just to cut the story short, we were in the same friend group. She dated a friend of ours then broke up with him. I dated him after more or less a year. Then she left the group, flew to Korea, and then we’re not friends anymore. Gone just like that”

 

 

I tried so hard to hide the bitterness pero I’m overflowing with it so baka may na-spillover kay Seulgi. I’ll be respectful with whatever kind of relationship she has with her 

 

 

 

“Of course I know that. I just don’t understand why would you think she’s not comfortable with me hanging out with you”

 

 

“Eh kasi nga we’re not in good terms”

 

 

“But tayo. we’re in good terms”

 

 

“Eh baka—“

 

 

“She’s not mad at you, Jen,” she said with a soft voice, as if my old friend wanted her to tell me that 

 

 

But I was the one mad at her for just leaving and that’s another story to tell for another time.

 

 

“Let’s change the topic. Close na kayo ni Irene no?” 

 

 

Yes, ganun ko kabilis binago ‘yung topic. Mabigat pa issue ko with Lisa. Tama na si K.

 

 

Must be my imagination but I saw her stiffened for a millisecond pero bumalik rin agad siya sa pagche-check ng camera. 

 

 

Jisoo and Joy are the most observant ones in our group. They would notice changes in body language and that kind of stuff among our friends and I’ll just get frustrated because I don’t see it, or I will just realize things when it’s too late na, when it’s really obvious na. Jisoo and Joy would just high fived because they were right the whole time.

 

 

But that one, that little fraction of time moment for Seulgi, I just can’t dismiss that.

 

 

Seulgi is not the type to look at the other person’s eyes who’s talking to her, pero ngayon I know she’s making a real effort not to meet my eyes.

 

 

“Uh. I guess?”

 

 

Well, that just confirms that.

 

 

Chu should be proud of me. I’m not that clueless anymore.

 

 

“Funny lang. On our last year pa kayo naging close when you’ve been neighbors for God knows how many years,” I said. This time I’m actively looking at her. I’m still trying to see something.

 

 

“Half of high school I think and to this day, we’ve been neighbors” she answered.

 

 

Jisoo said may habit si Seulgi of saying things like she was unsure pero in reality, sure talaga siya. Jisoo would she was the most attentive to details especially with people around her. So I think is definitely an I know.

 

 

“Was Irene that annoying for a neighbor kaya hindi kayo close?”

 

 

I’m sorry, Irene! 

 

 

 This is just me trying to make the atmosphere light kasi malapit na ako maaawa kay Seulgi because she’s starting to feel uncomfortable.

 

 

She shook her head quickly and said, “No no no. We just didn’t have the time to get to know each other. Well, not until this year”

 

 

May sasabihin pa sana ako kaso biglang nagvibrate phone ko.

 

 

yerms 👾:

Ate Jen??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY DADA

 

 

Yeri?? I think I’m with you on this one. It’s not what you think it is. Siguro slight. Kidding.

 

 

chaeng 🥀:

what is happening??

 

you should’ve seen  joy’s reaction 😭

 

a mixture of feeling betrayed and amazed at the same time. ugh, i should have taken a picture. i didn’t know naman

 

but hey, not cool with lisa ha! she’s a good person. please fix this. i love our group now. i don’t want to get to know anymore people. i’m maxed out

 

what’s happening over there ba? why are you suddenly with seulgi?

 

OMG! are you just trying to prove a point to joy

 

you and i can confirm she’s not just a happy crush like she says seulgi is

 

 

 

For some reason, Chaeng likes Lisa in a non-romantic way. Siguro she’s Lisa’s second closest friend from my friends. First, Joy. With Irene, it’s with not so hidden motives eh.

 

But Chaeng, I’m right here trying to fix the mess with Seulgi’s help. I’ll just tell you everything after Lisa receives the gift. 

 

 

joy 🦖:

HOY RUBY JANE! THE NERVE??

 

AGAWAN NG HAPPY CRUSH??

 

**NG FRIEND??

 

 

It’s not really just a happy crush, Joy, as everyone, especially me and Chaeng observes. Quit denying it. And I’m with you on this one, too! I can’t wait to gush over this with you some time. Feel ko cute na bonding lang.

 

But for now, I’ll annoy you and Irene first. Might ask Rosé to do the same.

 

 

A brilliant idea. It’s my payback time ‘cause you’re always shipping me with that girl with two first names. 

 

 

God, that’s so common I can’t even use it against her.

 

 

There’s more unopened messages. From a gc, from Jisoo who is asking the same thing, and of course, my down bad best friend. 14 messages from her, a first time for me.

 

 

I didn’t open her messages. I decided to just text her after because I know it’s gonna be a long conversation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

irene dg 💗:

 

are you home na?

 

you’re still out?

 

saan na kayo?

 

i already talked to lisa. she seems fine, but definitely affected

 

i really shouldn’t have told you about what happened after joy’s party

 

SERIOUSLY

 

jen, you better not say anything or

 

you’re lucky i couldn’t think of anything rn

 

jennie mendes, helloooo

 

i can’t believe she let you use her phone. what is privacy, seulmont?

 

God, i can’t even type her name without blushing. WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME

 

you know what. don’t even tell me. i’m over it

 

but

 

i’m just curious, jen

 

 

She’s really in deep. I want to more pero girl’s in love, maybe for the first time ever (not gonna count that ex of hers from million years ago). And aside from that, there’s someone else in the picture. I actually don’t know how serious it is between them, but even if I hate her, I don’t want to wish her pain. I caused her that much already. Or I don’t know. We never talk. Just that.

 

 

Hindi na lang ako nagreply so she can stop worrying. That’s how she is. If I know, no matter how much she trusts me, feeling niya ilalaglag ko siya kay happy crush.

 

 

- - -

 

 

Seulgi has finally chosen a film cam for herself. Nagkayayaan ka me to eat early dinner while our friends are still trying to figure the whole fiasco. Chu  told me Lisa might have muted everyone for “good luck” or just to play games all evening. I try not to feel bad still. I’ll dwell on that later, in my bed. Yes, I do some self-reflection. I’m a human being still.

 

 

But first, I’ll focus on this woman in front of me, who is currently trying to serve my food from the other side of the table.

 

 

Confusing talaga, kasi akala naming lahat it’s just for Irene. Or, or, or. She’s deflecting. Because she noticed that I noticed something.

 

 

“Tahimik ka talaga no?”

 

 

Sabi ko. We were settled. I took some test shots with Lisa’s future camera. She did too with her own. Eto siguro ‘yung wala si Irene. I don’t think they have taken any photos. She would never initiate and Seulgi is too shy to even approach anyone. Another win for me. Kidding.

 

 

“Saks lang”

 

 

“It’s still a wonder how you’re friends with your friends”

 

 

“Tahimik naman ‘yung dalawa. Si Lisa lang”

 

 

“Uh no? I’ve spent some time with Wendy. She cracks the most jokes second to your bestfriend. Chu has never been quiet”

 

 

“I talk a lot din”

 

 

“Somehow, I find it hard to believe that”

 

 

“When I feel comfortable with the people around”

 

 

“Nahihiya ka pa ba sa akin?” I asked. Madaldal naman na ata siya with me.

 

 

“We shared a couple of moments already. Pwede na siguro akong hindi mahiya?”

 

 

The innocent-like expression of her. Good God. Ang cute!!! 

 

 

“So ayan na talaga madaldal mode mo?”

 

 

“How much of a madaldal are you ba?”

 

 

And I swear, how our dinner got longer and longer, Seulgi regretted she asked that question.

 

 

I asked her a lot of questions. Hindi naman siya one word or line lang sumagot, so it didn’t take a lot of energy from me to have a conversation with her.

 

 

“We actually had another friend, I would say, who went abroad. I don’t know if you know him, pero siguro, kasi he’s kinda popular when he was here. Bogum Rivas, if it rings a bell”

 

 

“Oh I know him”

 

 

Present Jen: I didn’t know she actually knows him and is best of friends with him. Would Irene and Seulgi go through less of stress if we knew? Would we have prevented the last runaway? Anyway, they are happily together now it makes me want to vomit sometimes. It is just weird seeing the Irene I know gets babied because she wants to babied. Don’t tell her I said.

 

 

“Ex ni Irene, but we don’t really talk about it anymore. Rebel era niya so”

 

 

“Rebel era? She has a rebel era?” Seulgi asked with a bit more of curiosity.

 

 

“Yeah, she wanted to piss her mom so bad she got into a relationship. Well, they did have a good relationship but we all knew it wasn’t gonna progress”

 

 

“You really know about each other no? Like lahat kayo you talk to each other about your feelings even if it doesn’t really concern you directly”

 

 

“Well, yeah. We talk about everything. There are times na one or two people knew first about something because hindi pa ready ‘yung person, but afterwards, we talk about it. Bakit? Kayo ba?”

 

 

“We’re not like that”

 

 

“So you talk to one person only? I assume, Lisa?”

 

 

She shook her head.

 

 

“Not even”

 

 

“Huh? Even Jisoo and Wendy? Or baka ikaw lang. Maybe, they talk to each other because they all live together?”

 

 

She let out a chuckle like there’s something funny about something I just said 

 

 

“No, we don’t talk to each other about the big things like feelings and stuff”

 

 

“HOW ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH EACH OTHER?”

 

 

“We find comfort in each other’s silence?” Seulgi answered unsurely.

 

 

“Sira kayo! Hindi kaya healthy ‘yan. Someday, it will swing back at you”

 

 

“Ako kasi, I grew up just having my mom with me. I didn’t have any friends, so I find it hard to talk to anyone other than my mom. I guess that’s what is. When she died when I was in high school, it was even harder. Everyone went to her funeral and I just couldn’t talk to anyone”

 

 

“Oh my God! That’s where I knew you from. We went to your mom’s funeral”

 

 

“I can’t remember who actually went, but that’s where Krystal and I met, so I guess yes”

 

 

“I’m sorry about that, Seul. We tried reaching out to you, but we barely knew you, and we could only do as much. I remember Bogum saying na hayaan ka muna because that’s what you would have wanted”

 

 

“He’s right. Baka you would hate me if you pushed it”

 

 

“I don’t think you’re someone that can be hated,” sagot ko. Okay, there’s no malice on that and I’m not just having this happy crush on Seulgi. She seems really nice and I don’t think anyone can hate her.

 

 

“You’re so nice, you know that? I don’t even lnow why people get so intimidated with you”

 

 

“Shut up. You were scared to get to know us when we were younger”

 

 

Tumawa siya and said, “Right”.

 

 

We talked more about our similar interests, especially the different ones. Mas marami ‘yung differences because I feel like we’re opposites. 

 

 

Suddenly, nakalimutan ko ‘yung guilt ko and everything today until I was out of her car at nasa harap na kami ng bahay ko ngayon.

 

 

“Thanks for today, Seulgi. Everything that has happened today was unexpected, but it wasn’t all bad. Thanks to you.”

 

 

She let out a smile. “Thank you rin. I had fun”

 

 

The sun has almost set. There were still pink streaks of clouds in the sky kaya kita ko pa rin ang reaction niya kahit na off pa rin ang street lights.

 

 

She was about to turn her back when I remembered her saying na they don’t talk about their feelings as group of friends. I think this has much more deeper effects on her than the others.

 

 

Lisa shares Seulgi everything. Jisoo talks to me. Wendy, I don’t really know about her, but she has this weird relationship with Joy. They seem to hate each other pero at the same time, hindi.

 

 

But Seulgi? I don’t think she talks to Irene about these things, too. If what I know is right, it is because of that.

 

 

“Wait, Seulgi!” I called. She was already in her car, about to turn the engine on. With the camera bag on my right hand, I walked towards on the passenger side and knocked lightly on her window.

 

 

Binaba naman niya agad. Yumuko ako so she could see me.

 

 

“Bakit? You forgot something ba?”

 

 

“You can talk to me, you know”

 

 

Nagulat ata siya. Few seconds and nagsink in ata na I was talking about our dinner conversation.

 

 

“I talk too much sometimes, but I’m a good listener, too. So if you find yourself struggling to talk about something, I’m few calls away. I’m sorry, my phone’s always on Do Not Disturb mode”

 

She laughed at my little joke at the end.

 

 

“Thank you, Jennie. I’ll keep that in mind. Pumasok ka na. I’ll leave when you’re inside na”

 

 

“I’ll just make this clear. We’re friends na?”

 

 

“We’re friends and I’ll talk to you if something’s up with me. Okay?”

 

 

“Okay,” I said and smiled at her.

 

 

Before I turn my back, may nakalimutan pa pala ako sabihin.

 

 

“Kapag nakauwi ka na, can you not say anything to Irene?”

 

 

“Huh? Bakit? She texted me for a few times today. I haven’t just had the time to reply”

 

 

So I guess they can’t keep anything from each from that reaction alone? Well, except for…

 

 

“Baka ma-spoil kasi kay Lisa. I don’t want to give her the chance to refuse this gift”

 

 

So so genius, Jennie. Making up an excuse is really my talent.

 

 

“I don’t think Irene would spoil anything”

 

 

“Pleaseeee,” pagpapacute ko. This is usually effective on Jisoo. Sana same din.

 

 

“Okay. Itutulog ko na lang ‘yung guilt na tatanggi ako kay Pres for the first time,” natatawa niyang sabi.

 

 

No, Seulgi, that’s not a joke.

 

 

We said our goodbyes for one more time bago ako pumasok sa gate. I heard her drove away bago ako tuluyang pumasok sa house.

 

 

I opened my messages after washing up. Surprisingly, Irene didn’t flood me with texts.

 

 

irene dg 💗:

 

i’m just curious, jen

 

me:

 

omg, irene!

 

you’ll know tomorrow 😂

 

 

irene dg 💗:

 

ugh fine

 

since i can’t get any answer from her too

 

 

I just sent a laughing emoji before putting down my phone.

 

 

I just now realized how much similar Irene and Seulgi are. They care about their friends deeply to the point na each other’s friends pa kinausap nila in this mess.

 

 

But I’m thankful Seulgi’s the one who accompanied me today instead of Irene. I see a whole lot of another perspective and I just really enjoyed talking to her. I made a new friend.

 

 

 

 Before I dwelt over the fact that Seulgi just became my happy crush over one afternoon, mas nangibabaw ang kaba ko when I think about talking to Lisa tomorrow and handing her the gift.

 

 

But nothing really beats the fear na masakal ako ni Irene.

 

 

I guess I’ll just know tomorrow.