In the room that’s empty except for the two of them and where lights are dim, Taemin is still able to make out Kibum’s sharp silhouette and captivating eyes. Determination is evident in his gaze as he approaches him. As slowly, he corners him. Pins him in place against the nearest walls. So close their bodies are soon only a hair’s breadth apart. 

Taemin draws a sharp breath. His heart is already beating out of his chest, his muscles are stiff, and his legs tremble to the extent that he’s uncertain they’ll be able to carry his weight for much longer. 

Then what difference would it make if he descended to the floor at this moment? He makes a fool out of himself in front of Kim Kibum so often it could be deemed a hopeless routine. But even if a part of him wishes for the floor to swallow him whole, a different part wishes for Kibum to make the move he is anticipating. 

Patiently, Taemin waits. Until Kibum locks eyes with him, smiles, and initiates a gentle kiss. 

Kibum’s lips are so much softer than Taemin had imagined. And kisses feverish. After the first taste, it so quickly evolves into a passionate make-out session. Taemin has no complaints. He forgets every single reason why he shouldn’t feel this drawn to Kim Kibum. It’s not as simple as… 

A ray of sunlight reflects on the white page and blinds Taemin’s vision to the point he can no longer see the carefully scribbled words. He puts one hand out in an attempt to block it. His other hand keeps his journal open as he ponders over how to finish the half-written sentence. 
 

It’s not as simple as…
 

Writing is not entirely new to him. It’s what he’s been so closely associated with since a young age. Most of the time he prefers it over actual speech. It also led him toward his major in literature and his dream to become a published author one day. 

Taemin owns his fair share of journals. All of which fulfills a different purpose. Some are for his daily notions or ventures. Some act as a safe place for his own ponderings. The journal in his hands at the moment, however, holds something much more private. It’s a place for his own shameful fantasies tied to a single individual. The fellow student he developed a crush on after their very first meeting a couple of years back. At the time, Taemin was a lost and uncertain high school student who only crossed paths with the soon-to-be muse of his elaborate imagination because of his goofy but thoughtful best friend, Choi Minho. 

Minho’s older than him by two years and has a close friendship with the infamous Kim Kibum; the person who holds Taemin’s fragile heart in such a tight grip but doesn’t even know it. 

Minho and Kibum are classmates who became close during their first semester at university. The same university Taemin himself is now attending. He’s a newbie, only a mere couple of days into his first semester, and while it’s still rather nerve-wracking, keeping to himself and indulging in his own fantasies offers him comfort. 

Except for Minho, Taemin doesn’t actually have a lot of friends but he’s also not desperate to make new ones. He enjoys the time spent alone with his hobbies. Minho isn’t as fond of it and often encourages him to ‘face his fears’ or ‘expand his social circle’. Taemin mostly doesn’t listen. But perhaps, that’s more due to his occasional stubborn nature. 

“Hey,”

A familiar deep voice steals Taemin’s attention and he shuts his journal in the blink of an eye as if he’s just been caught red-handed with an adult magazine. On the field of grass in the middle of campus that is currently more or less vacant, Minho then sits down right next to him. 

“What are you up to?” 

“Just writing.” 

It’s a poor answer since the mere thought of elaborating any further makes Taemin’s cheeks feel hot. Despite their close friendship, his longtime crush on Kibum isn’t something he has shared, and he’s certainly not ready to. 

“You’re always writing but you never seem to show it to anyone.” 

“There’s nothing to show. It’s just my own ideas.”

“What kind of ideas?”

“Did you just come over here to be nosy or do you actually have something to tell me?”

The annoyed remark makes Minho roll his eyes in return but it works in steering their conversation in a different direction. 

“Why are you sitting by yourself?” 

“The weather is nice and the scenery offers me inspiration.” 

“Don’t you have any activities to attend?” 

Taemin assumes Minho is referring to orientation week, which is still ongoing and emits a faint sigh. 

“I already attended everything for today.” 

Everything mandatory that is

“There’s a barbecue in the park below campus this evening. I presume you’re going there too then?” 

It had never been part of Taemin’s plan to attend but Minho’s sharp gaze tells him he won’t accept ‘no’ for an answer so he reluctantly nods. 

“Great! I’m going there too, so don’t think about bailing. I’ll be keeping my eyes out for you.” 

“What is it to you if I actually go or not?”

“I want to make sure you don’t miss out on anything. Your mom also kindly asked me to keep an eye on you and make sure you’re settling okay.”

Of course she did 

Taemin fights the urge to roll his eyes. “It’s not your job to look after me.” 

“I know but I do it for free.” 

While Taemin scoffs, Minho smiles and reaches over to ruffle his hair, something that would always annoy him, which is precisely why he does it so often. 

“I’ll see you later.” 

When Minho leaves Taemin can’t help but emit a heavy sigh. The mere thought of attending a bustling social event is already giving him grueling anxiety. Yet, there’s also a part of him wondering if Kibum will be there. Since Minho is attending, others in the same year as he probably will too. Taemin thinks the odds are definitely in his favor. And it’s the only incentive that ultimately convinces him to see his half-made promise through. 

Taemin definitely feels nervous as he enters the park. He’s late so there are already a lot of people present but he doesn’t recognize any of them. His hands can’t help but fiddle with the hem of the light wash denim jacket he’s wearing, which has been put together with a pair of ripped jeans in the same light shade, a printed white t-shirt, and his favorite black converse. Although it’s a casual combination it had been chosen after much deliberation with the intent to look appealing. 

The park is rather large. For some time, he’s aimlessly wandering between the different crowds of people talking and having fun and finds himself rather lost and uncertain. 

“Taemin,” 

Minho’s voice and the fact that he’s making his way toward him instantly fill him with relief. 

“You actually made it.”

“I was kind of left with no choice.”

“You usually don’t comply, though,” Minho states as a matter of fact. “I’m glad you decided against it this time. It also makes me proud of you.” 

Despite it being words of encouragement Taemin can’t help but feel grim. His reserved nature often makes him feel out of place because he can’t seem to adapt to the situations considered ‘normal’ with the same ease as everyone else. Of course, he doesn’t say this out loud. Even if he knows Minho’s aware of it. 

For the rest of the evening, Taemin sticks by Minho’s side like glue, and as his only source of comfort in the vast social setting. Pitifully, he’s then forced to fend for himself when his best friend decides to join a game of soccer initiated by some other students. It doesn’t come as a surprise, seeing how Minho loves sports and never declines a challenge, but it leaves Taemin feeling disappointed. 

Fellow students had already seated themselves down on the grass to watch. Taemin decides to do the same but sits on an empty patch all by himself. While his eyes are focused on the game (and his stupid best friend who had just abandoned him) he doesn’t actually notice when someone makes their way over. 

“Can I sit here?” 

Taemin doesn’t need to turn his head to know who the voice belongs to but he does anyway. 

The warm smile on Kibum’s flawless face spikes his anxiety to the roof. And as he momentarily loses his ability to speak, he opts to nod his head instead. 

The older student (and the person that always makes his heart go rampant) sits down with such ease as if it’s normal when the two of them aren’t actually close by any means. He’s wearing loose-fitting jeans, a simple white tee tucked in, and a bright red cap. It’s also on the casual side but Taemin still admires it. He’s always been impressed with Kibum’s fashion sense since he could wear the simplest combinations of clothing and still make it look intriguing. Especially the way he would add his own personal twist to everything. At the moment, his simple tee had been transformed by rolling up the sleeves to show more of his golden skin and thin but well-built arms. There’s also a red and black bandana tucked in the hem of his jeans, along with the tee. 

“Did Minho drag you here?”

Taemin nods a second time. 

“And then he abandons you to play soccer?” Kibum scoffs. “Remind me to scold him later. He should be showing you around or introducing you to people since everything is still new to you.”

Taemin is silent as he desperately scrambles for an appropriate answer. Or at the very least something more elaborate than another stupid nod. Why is it so utterly difficult? 

In the end, Kibum continues even without a verbal response. “So, what do you think about school so far?” 

“Uhm it’s good, I guess.”

It’s a plain answer but Taemin can’t help it. The way they are both sitting with their legs crossed has their knees intact. It stirs something inside and it’s all he can really focus on. 

Kibum is very social (the pure opposite of himself) and it would always make him feel very nervous in his presence when he could barely muster up enough courage to say more than a few words at a time in return.

“What is your major?”

“Literature.”

 “Ah, that’s right! Minho mentioned that you’re a writer.” Kibum exclaims and smiles because of the utter surprise on Taemin’s face. “He actually brags about you a lot, you know. I reckon he’s also quite protective of you since he told me to treat you well now that you’re enrolled here.”

So, that’s why you approached me. Taemin thinks to himself and lowers his gaze to the ground. He can’t help but feel embarrassed and mildly disappointed. 

Kibum’s still speaking but Taemin doesn’t pay attention. Everything around him becomes nothing but dull background noise as his own thoughts are his only focus. He only snaps out of it when something physically hits him. And for a split second, his vision becomes completely black. When the shock begins to wash off he suddenly feels the pain and the warm blood dripping down his philtrum. It’s only then it dawns on him that he was hit by the ball.

Right in front of such a large portion of the school.

Right in front of Kibum . 

That knowledge in conjunction with all the curious eyes directed at him is too much. Panic quickly paralyzes him and makes his surroundings hazy. He doesn’t even acknowledge Kibum asking about his well-being or placing a hesitant hand on his shoulder. All he can focus on is the blood on his hands as he desperately tries to wipe his nose clean. 

“Taemin, hey—“ Minho, who had rushed from the field, quickly grabs his wrists to make him stop and emits a small sigh when he notices his panicked expression and teary eyes. “—everything's fine. Let’s go and get you cleaned up, alright? Come on.”

Minho’s calm voice helps him settle down (at least briefly) and he doesn’t resist as he pulls him to his feet and leads him away from the curious crowd of eyes. 

Once he’s in a secluded place, seated on the edge of a large tree stump, Taemin’s body has finally begun to settle down. Minho’s with him, rubbing a hand on his back and watching him carefully. They’re both silent until Kibum comes over, paper towels and a bottle of water in his hands. 

“This is the best I could find.”

Minho utters a quick “Thanks.” as he grabs it. He wets the paper towel and then hands it over to his younger friend.  

Taemin takes it without saying anything. His throat is too dry and stuffed to try and speak and he doesn’t think he’ll be able to make a sound even if he tries. Normally, he’d feel ashamed but there’s no room to berate his own shy nature at this moment. His first priority is wiping his still bloody nose and fingers clean. 

Minho watches in mild worry. “You okay?”

No, I just embarrassed myself in front of all my new classmates

“Yes.” Taemin lies 

“I’m really sorry about this.” Minho apologizes. Even if he hadn’t been the person who shot the ball, it’s evident that he feels responsible as one of the players on the field. 

“You shouldn’t have played like maniacs. I mean, is chasing a ball really that serious?” Kibum adds, and his voice is tainted with distaste. 

“It’s not like I thought something like this would happen. I would never cause Taemin harm intentionally.”

“Then you should’ve been more careful!”

“I was being careful!”

Minho’s demeanor changes so swiftly as he gets swept up in a brief argument with Kibum. It’s not anger he portrays, but annoyance, and his voice is louder as if he wants to match Kibum’s volume. Taemin’s no stranger to it. The two of them were often at each other’s throats. So often he wondered how they became such close friends, to begin with. At the moment, he’s thankful it steers the attention away from him and gives him some room to breathe. But it only lasts for mere seconds. 

“Why were you with Taemin, anyway?” Suddenly, Minho steers the attention back to his younger friend. “This nut job wasn’t bothering you, was he?”

“Yah, why would I bother him? You small-headed beanpole!” 

“Then you could’ve made him uncomfortable!” 

Taemin jumps in surprise as Kibum’s large hand suddenly lands on his shoulder, causing the skin on his neck to prickle. 

“I wasn’t making you uncomfortable, was I?”

Taemin shakes his head. 

Kibum’s voice had been gentle when he spoke to Taemin. As soon as he turns back to Minho, it returns to its previous loud volume when he shouts a firm “See!”. 

Their argument dies down soon enough and the atmosphere returns to its previous uncertain silence. 

“Do you want me to walk you back to the dorm?” Minho offers as he turns to Taemin. 

I’m not a kid

“We can both walk you if you want. I’m heading back to campus as well.”

When Kibum makes the same suggestion, Taemin’s sentiment shifts and he shyly nods. 

It’s a silent walk. Taemin keeps his head down. His nose still feels sore and he assumes it’s also bruised red. But perhaps looking like an idiot shouldn’t concern him after the laughing stock he had likely already become. Being the student who got hit in the face by a ball would surely stick with him for a while, he thinks. The embarrassing scene is still on constant replay inside his own head. Taemin knows he’s going to think about it for several days, weeks, or perhaps even the rest of the semester. Each time with utter shame and self-berating thoughts washing over him like a cold shower. 

Minho’s arm is thoughtfully wrapped around his shoulders. It’s a warm and friendly gesture. The kind that Taemin is no stranger to because Minho is adamant about always looking out for him. 

It’s the way Kibum occasionally glances over in a mix of bewilderment and curiosity that leads Taemin to feel embarrassed again. Embarrassed about his shy nature. Embarrassed that he needs looking after and reassurance. Embarrassed that he’s not normal. 

•

Adapting to university life is just as difficult as Taemin had imagined. Once orientation week is over and most students have tied themselves to their new respective friend groups, he still feels like a black sheep.  

Minho texts him frequently to ask about his well-being and what he’s up to. Taemin feels guilty that his replies are all equally plain. Each day is more or less the same. He attends his classes, studies at the school library, and spends his evenings in the dorm, reading or scribbling away in one of his journals. A simple routine he has no intention of abandoning. 
 

Minho: Do you have plans today?
 

Taemin emits a sigh as he reads the text. It’s Friday afternoon and he’s in his dorm, ready to spend the evening watching youtube videos and scribbling away in his journal. He wonders if he should make up an excuse or blatantly lie to save his friend from inviting him out just because he pities him. 
 

Taemin: I think I’m just going to stay in. 

Minho: If you’re free let’s have dinner together. I’ll wait for you at the bus stop below campus. See you in 30 minutes. 
 

Taemin sighs. It’s too late to make an excuse, so he immediately admits defeat and rolls off his bed to get ready. 

The bus stop is empty, so Taemin sits down on a bench to wait. For a brief moment, he thinks an evening with his best friend isn’t so bad. Things have been busy with the start of a new school year, so they haven’t hung out just the two of them in a while. His sentiment is short-lived, however, for when Minho arrives, he’s not alone. 

Suddenly Taemin feels nervous and regrets his extremely plain choice of clothing, which is an everyday pair of ripped jeans and a frequently worn navy blue hoodie. Kibum is also dressed in casual attire but he pulls it off so well. Even the light wash jeans shorts that end above his knees and showcase his marvelous legs. They’re paired with a sleek white shirt and layered with a navy blue v-neck sweater. 

“It’s okay if Kibum joins us, right?” Minho asks, and Taemin shyly nods. In spite of his nervousness, he would never pass on a chance to interact with the source of his affection.

It’s not entirely odd for them to spend time together as a trio. In the years that Minho and Kibum had been friends, Taemin had met the latter several times. Usually in passing but also on evenings at Minho’s house where they had all been playing board games together or on night outs when they had eaten at their favorite barbecue place. From their first meeting, a seed was planted and then blossomed over time. Now Taemin feels consumed by it. And while Kibum’s appearance causes his heart to flutter, there’s so much more to water his affection. His consideration of others, his kindness, his great sense of humor, and most of all; his confidence. One day Taemin wishes that he’ll be able to adapt even a fraction of it himself. 

Even if Minho and Kibum do most of the talking, Taemin feels comfortable in their presence. He listens to their banters, laughs at Kibum’s jokes or sarcastic inputs, and adds to the conversation whenever they shoot a question his way. It’s easier for him to contribute that way. And he does so with a timid but blissful smile on his face. 

They talk about life at school and revisit some old memories. It results in a joyful night. So when they’re on their way back to campus, Taemin feels mildly disappointed. 

They follow the same route as the night of the orientation barbeque. Even on a regular Friday like this, the park below campus is packed with students enjoying the end of a hectic school week. It’s not surprising. Neither is the game of soccer that is in full play on a large field of grass. 

When a ball suddenly approaches them, Taemin intuitively takes cover behind the closest person. It doesn’t dawn on him that it’s Kibum until their eyes briefly meet as Kibum looks at him in question. If it weren’t for the tiny smile on Kibum’s bow-shaped lips, Taemin would’ve evaporated from shame. 

Minho picks up the ball and then tosses it to the person coming their way. The same person then asks if they want to join. Minho appears to consider the idea as he turns to his two friends. 

“Choi Minho, you will never see me set foot on a soccer field as long as I live.” 

Minho rolls his eyes and then diverts his gaze from Kibum to Taemin, who is also visibly uncertain.

“Do you really think he’d want to join after what happened last time?” 

Taemin lowers his head in embarrassment at the reminder. But it’s so quickly overshadowed by surprise and nervousness because of what Kibum says next. 

“Just go, Choi. Taemin and I will be fine on our own.” 

“Is that okay?” 

Minho looks at Taemin and searches for any doubt. Kibum does the same. The sudden attention certainly fuels Taemin’s anxiety. Still, he manages to choke out a breathy ‘yes’, which is enough to convince them both. 

When Minho has abandoned them Taemin can’t help but feel exceptionally nervous. With only him and Kibum walking alongside one another, the silence suddenly feels so much more prominent. But thankfully, it’s short-lived. 

“So, what do you do for fun Taemin?” 

Taemin draws a blank. Fun? Most evenings are spent by himself at home, indulging in reading, writing, and watching youtube videos. Clearly, it’s not the kind of ‘fun’ Kibum is referring to. 

“I get the feeling you’re not as into sports as Minho. How about games?”

“I like games.” He manages to chime in. 

“Yeah?” Kibum grins. “I have an idea.” 

Dull chatter is heard outside the Chinese restaurant on the first floor. A generic pop song is blasting through the speakers of the karaoke bar located on the second. In the narrow concrete stairwell, Taemin is tailing closely behind Kibum who leads them both to the third floor. It’s another bar but this one is filled with pool tables. Despite it being crowded Kibum finds an unoccupied one for them in the corner. 

“You know the rules, right?” 

Taemin nods. 

“Best out of three?” 

Another nod. 

Kibum shoots him another grin and then goes to get a set of pool cues and balls. It gives enough room for Taemin to collect himself ahead of starting their first round. 

Taemin thinks he should’ve told Kibum that he enjoys games but doesn’t excel in them like Minho. Additionally, the trembles in his hands as Kibum watches him so intently during his turn undoubtedly sets him up for failure. When the tip of his pool cue misses the ball for the second time in a row, he is one attempt away from giving up entirely. 

Laughter erupts among the friend group which surrounds the table behind them. Taemin can’t help but think they’re laughing at him. At his poor pool skills. Or how utterly plain and foolish he looks in the presence of someone exceptional like Kibum. When he attempts to shoot a third time, the cue grazes the ball ever so slightly, but it’s enough to blow his turn. 

“You know, I think your grip and posture are off. Let me show you.”

Before Taemin has the time to construct a polite objection in his mind, let alone bring it into the open, Kibum has already circled around the table and grabbed hold of both of his arms. 

“Alright, first things first;  you have to pick your contact point, and then don’t take your eyes off it.”

Taemin holds his breath. Kibum’s grip on him is gentle but he is certain he can feel it right down to his bones. It’s almost electrifying. 

“Secondly; get in position,” Kibum helps aim Taemin’s body in line with his gaze which is fastened on his target. “Then; find your grip,” Slowly, his hand moves down to his hands to help him grip the cue, one hand at the back and one steady on the table, positioned right up to the white cue ball. “And last but not least; make sure to lean over to get at eye-level with the ball and take your shot when you’re ready. No hesitation.” 

Taemin follows each instruction attentively until Kibum ultimately steps back to give him space to shoot. And so he does. This time he doesn’t only hit the cue ball, but it rolls straight for the contact point and collides with one of his balls, which then rolls into one of the corner pockets. Kibum immediately erupts in a loud cheer and catches the attention of the friend group at the table next to them. But this time the heat erupting on Taemin’s cheeks is not from shame. It’s from pride. 

Although Kibum leads, Taemin isn’t far behind as they carry out their