It was never my idea to lay on top of the old country hill we used to go to two years ago in the middle of this chilly night. I just found myself driving to the place after Chaeyoung texted me about the anticipated meteor shower she's seen in the news. She has always wanted to watch one, and the best place to be in, according to her, is on top of this hill with all these bristly grasses that give familiar itchiness to my skin.

 

I scratch my ankle yet again and gave my companion a glance. We were sitting next to each other, waiting for whatever that's gonna fall from the heavens as broadcasted by the news. It's been an hour but we haven't seen a single meteoroid enter the atmosphere. I am already a scratching mess because of the grasses, but Chaeyoung was waiting as calmly as she's always been.

 

"Did they say the exact time of the meteor shower?", I asked her.

 

She just gave me a soft nod, never tearing her eyes away from the distant horizon, "It's gonna come soon. Thirty more minutes."

 

"Are you sure it's tonight?", I asked her again.

 

"I'm positive. 9th of January."

 

"Which year?"

 

She looked over her shoulder and tosses me a playful glare, which I reverted with a soft laugh.

 

"Let's just wait. It's gonna come soon", Chaeyoung said before turning her head back up at the sky.

 

I just nodded my head although she can't see it, and we sat there in silence. The sound of the calmness engulfed us, accompanied by the soft hums of crickets. It reminded me why this spot was our absolute favorite. It was total peace here.

 

It was after about five minutes that I felt bored just looking up. Between the two of us, I was always the impatient one. Always wanting to rush things. And Chaeyoung was always the ever composed kid with an admirable personality.

 

I leaned back a little and prop my elbows against the soil as I avert my gaze on the girl. It's more entertaining watching her. With her long blonde hair cascading down her back. I can see from this angle how defined her jawline is. Her finely chiseled nose. Those soft plump lips that I used to kiss.

 

I felt a throb in my chest, and I was reminded that it was never my idea to sit on top of this hill and wait for the meteor shower with my ex-girlfriend.

 

What a shock, right?

 

"Why did you call me here, Chaeng?", I asked, breaking the silence.

 

People might find it weird how some ex-lovers still contact each other. How some of them remained friends after the break up. I thought so, too. I used to be against the idea. Because, just how can you be friends with someone you used to pour all your heart into? How can you look her in the eye and not want to kiss her stupid face and just melt back in her arms?

 

I thought it was a morbid idea. Excruciating. But when Chaeyoung said she still wants to be friends with me even after the break up, declining was an option I easily threw away. I could never say no to her. She's got that hold on me that I couldn't break free from.

 

I wouldn't. I couldn't.

 

"You know that belief that when you wish upon a shooting star, your wish will come true?", she answered me with another question without looking back at me.

 

"Chaeng, those are just comet dusts. They can't fulfill wishes. That's not how physics works."

 

I can't believe she called me here just because she wants to make a wish upon a shooting star that's not even a star. Chaeyoung's way of thinking still surprises me sometimes, honestly.

 

"We'll never know until we try", she calmly insisted.

 

I let out a breath before letting my body fall on the dewy grasses underneath me, gazing up at the stars, I ask her again, "What're you gonna wish for, then?"

 

It was crickets for a couple of seconds and I thought she didn't hear my question, so I was about to reiterate it when I heard her speak.

 

"I wish for your peace", she replied in a soft voice, "I wish for you to be okay."

 

My forehead creases at her answer, but I didn't get up. I remained laying back flat against the soil.

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"I know you're not okay, Jen. Still not okay."

 

A humorless chuckle escapes my lips. I'm amazed by how she can still read me like an open book. It's her talent that I absolutely loathe.

 

"I know you're still hurting", she added, "And I know us staying as friends pains you a lot."

 

"Then why did you ask me to still be your friend?", it was a question I've been wanting to ask.

 

I should've known the answer.

 

"Because I also know that it will kill you if you lose me completely."

 

What do you do when the truth slaps you square in the face?

 

Nothing. You just bask in its pain.

 

"I know you still love me, Jen", Chaeyoung continued to pierce daggers to my already wounded heart, "But you have to let go now."

 

What do you do when the person you have loved for years asked you to stop loving her?

 

Do you comply? Was it that easy?

 

"You're asking me to do the exact same thing I've been trying so hard to do for the past two years", I answered through shaky breath.

 

Time heals all wounds, they say. Well, I say that's bull. Time has done nothing to my agony. It all still feels the same. Feels like I was trapped in some kind of loop. Always reliving the moments where I still have her.

 

To be stuck in a place that wrecked you when everyone else has moved on. I'd say it's the most torturous prison one could ever find themselves locked up in.

 

"I'm sorry if I can't do anything about it", she said with a hint of guilt in her soft voice.

 

Apology. It's been said way too many times, I swear I could make a whole thesis about it and about how it rolled perfectly in her tongue like she meant it.

 

I hope she meant it.

 

"Do you really not love me anymore?", I asked and bit on my lip, cringing at how pathetic it sounded.

 

"I do not", she answered without thinking twice.

 

How can something that's already broken, still breaks over and over again? How can she be okay and tell me these things nonchalantly, while I bleed over and over again?

 

I fought back the tears that were threatening to fall. Not yet. They can't fall just yet. There's still something I need to know.

 

"Did you ever really love me?", were the bravest words to ever escape my mouth.

 

I hoped she could at least sympathize with me and tell me what I wanted to hear. She could lie to my face and I will still believe her. In a heartbeat, I will. 

 

Much to my dismay, Chaeyoung is the type to say what needs to be said.

 

"I thought I did", she answered honestly, and I hated how monotoned she is, "I mean, we were friends. I know I loved you."

 

"But...?"

 

I felt her heave out a sigh, "But I was never in love with you."

 

If I can pat my back right now and compliment myself, I would. For how brave I am to be able to hear all these things without breaking down. 

 

For a second, I was thinking which hurts the most: knowing that the person you still very much love fell out of love with you, or knowing that she never even loved you at all.

 

"Let's leave everything to the stars tonight", she continued when I kept mum, "And wish that all the pain you carry be healed at once."

 

That was when I realized what Chaeyoung was giving me. Come to think of it, we never really had it.

 

A proper closure.

 

I slowly got up and return to my previous sitting position while I notice her check her watch. Has it been thirty minutes? She fixed her gaze ahead, never turning to look at my direction. Her face was blank and I hate how after all these years, I still couldn't perceive her mind. I was an open book, while she wasn't even mine to read. 

 

"There is nothing I can do anymore, isn't there?", I asked while letting my eyes linger on her beautiful face a little longer.

 

Just how can I unlove someone whose existence is practically imprinted on my soul? How can a stupid wish upon a star make me forget everything that we were?

 

Chaeyoung slowly shook her head, and before she could even utter a word, I held her in a back embrace. I thought she would act out of reflex and push me, but she stayed still. She just lets me. So I leant my forehead against her shoulder and hug her impossibly tighter, finally letting out all the tears I've been holding back.

 

"I'm sorry", another apology escapes her lips.

 

She's sorry for not loving me. She's sorry for not reciprocating what I have given. She's sorry for not trying hard enough. 

 

And I'm sorry for not having the courage to let her go.

 

Maybe driving up this old country hill was a bad idea. But I know we both needed this. It needed to be done.

 

"Here it is", Chaeyoung speaks after a few seconds.

 

I slowly retracted my arms from her and followed her gaze. I was welcomed by the strips of light now shooting down our atmosphere. There were many of them. Seeming to fall endlessly one after the another. And man, they were beautiful. 

 

Meteor Shower.

 

It was just like Chaeyoung. Beautiful and potentially destructive.

 

I was still in a daze when I heard her speak again. This time, finally fulfilling what we came here for.

 

"I wish for you to forget me", she closes her eyes, "And move on."

 

Wiping my tears away, I gazed back up at the sky. Bits of meteoroids still lighting up the atmosphere. Should I make my wish, too? Will it really come true?

 

I don't know if I'll ever move on or if I'll ever forget her. But if I can make a wish, I will always wish for her happiness. I wish she can achieve every dream she has ever told me...even if I can't be with her anymore.

 

Such a shame, huh, the way we always want what we can't have. Life truly is a .

 

I lean back a little and prop my hands against the soil beside Chaeyoung. If a meteoroid ever hits me right here and now, I want her face to be the last thing I see. So to her, I turn. 

 

Leaving everything to the heavens tonight...we just watch as the world starts to burn.