Chapter 1

There is this saying in Korea. It’s this: There are two things you cannot hold in nor hide. Sneeze and love.

Her love is more of a coughing kind than a sneeze.

And it is not a case of simple cold.

Seungwan noticed first. Of course she did. Her eyes are always on her, silent, watching, attentive and thoughtful. Sometimes they look so foreign. Sometimes they look so familiar that they feel like home. It’s confusing. She’s confusing. Joohyun just coughed out yellow flower petals and she looks unfazed like this is normal and familiar. Like she’s used to this. Like she herself have experienced this. But Joohyun haven’t. She’s freaking out. It’s cold. She’s cladded in her loose necked t-shirt and soft worn-out shorts she wears for bed. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning, she thinks. Something serious and angsty always happens at 3 o’clock in the morning. Bathroom tiles and a toilet (which she hunched over just a few seconds ago) can be so cold, too, at this time of the day. And she’s covered in her own sweat. Coughing things out is hard, you know. And does she feel feint? She is feeling feint. A shiver goes through her body that feels foreign to her. She feels detached. Is this normal? Am I going to pass out?

“It’s okay, unnie. Just breathe.”

Only then she realizes she was holding her breath. Joohyun breathes.

“I don’t know what’s happening,” Joohyun croaks out.

“I think I do”, comes the reply.

“I don’t know what to do,” Joohyun continues.

“That too, I think I do,” comes the same answer. Then a pause. “It’s Seulgi, isn’t it?”

Joohyun cannot dare to say that name out right now. All will be real, so real then. She won’t be able to deny anymore. She will have to face her worries like, how do I tell my members? What should I do about the company? And more pressing fear, what if she doesn’t love me back?

But her companion is still watching her, waiting, so she nods, despite the lingering nausea, and says the underwhelming “I think so.”

Joohyun feels awkward, overwhelmed, and cold. itches. Her lungs ache. Her heart yearns.

Then a warm pair of arms engulfed her. She’s always warmer than the other members. Like a real-life puppy, Joohyun once joked. She’s comforting like one as well. And well, she thinks, that’s our Seungwan. Always reliable. So she relies on her. Just this once, she allows herself to put aside her leader’s responsibleness and relies on her member. Her friend.

“What should I do, Seungwan?” She asked, while melting into the main vocalist’s embrace, like she doesn’t know the answer. Seungwan sees through her. But she holds firm. She still pushes.

“You tell her.”

Will it be that simple? Joohyun swallows her doubt with the bitter taste of her unrequited love.

Joohyun doesn’t know when her love for Seulgi started. Maybe it’s when they did the unit together for the Monster album. Or maybe she has liked her since their trainee days. Maybe she fell in love with Seulgi on a normal day, when they were both tired from the intense dance practice, with Seulgi out of breath, panting, sweating, her wild hair everywhere, but looking so, so radiant with her happy smile. She could’ve fall in love with her at any moment. When she looks back at every past moment, there is Seulgi in it. She can’t imagine her future without Seulgi now. Seulgi has been always there. Has she been there for her? Yes. But She also has just been. By her side. Yet, right now, after realizing that she loves her, Seulgi never felt so out of reach. They, the three oldests are sharing the dorm again for their activities. Seungwan with her radio DJ job and concerts preparations, and she with her own reality show and upcoming schedules, and Seulgi with her solo album debut.

They all have their own rooms now, but they still share the same roof. They should be closer now than ever before. Joohyun wants to be close to her yet at the same time, she wants to run far away. She loves her so much that she wants to hide instead of confronting