She's always a little too perspective and you're always a little too blatant, so that's why you're not dating. You will always hurt her since she falls fast and you don't dare jump. You're not good for her. She will fall out of love one day.

You remind yourself that when the is a little too good and you want to kiss her a little too much. Which basically equals every day. 

Today, for example. 

You are holding your - her - toothbrush and you've been staring at it for ten minutes straight. A pink one, with lovely swirls on its body because evidently, she decided you're too clumsy to hold a smooth toothbrush after . She is very proud to make that fact known.

You shiver, but doubtfully because of the cold, even though you're only in your and a linen robe. 

Just now, under the warm cozy fluorescent bathroom (not your bathroom, either) light, you realize you can't remember when you've used this toothbrush. 

Maybe it's the day you told her she smelled like strawberry. 

You always think Byulyi is such a bad influence on their friends, with her charm and her passion when talking about her hobbies, which can almost make advertisers jealous. Everyone wants to have what she has. The camera Hyejin held firmly plus the extreme proximity between you did nothing but strengthen your suspicion.

A Fuji camera had film filters readily installed, you remembered. Byulyi bragged about it for days and then it was in your face.

"It's safer," Hyejin said, and the camera snapped crisply. You didn't even try to interpret her vague way of talking anymore, were already desperate to fit in your own skin. 

Everything you know about posing flew into the abyss, how to act timid and look upon the lens as if you're above them, how to lift the corner of your lips to a certain height that makes you look bright. When she's on your lap and a breath or two from you, you were Yongsun and only that same shy and awkward Yongsun all over again. 

Her breath smelt like strawberry and you wanted to kiss her. 

Instead, you whimpered, pathetically attempting to change the subject, "You changed your toothpaste."

"What?"

"Strawberry," you said. 

And Hyejin threw her head back and laughed that rhythmic, ringing laughter of hers. She was in your lap and on your skin and legs intertwined with yours and her laughter - her ing laughter - was what make your blush deepen. 

"Just like you," Hyejin hummed, lifting her camera again, her breath and the heat of the flash tickled your cheeks. "Like the hue on your cheeks. I like it. So let me scoop these colours and keep them with me."

Thus you let her. Just like how you let her into your life and your lips and her bed because frankly, you have never invited her to your house.

Someone is always there - Yonghee, Yongkeey - and because you two are not dating, there is no house visit. Your house is not suitable for just ing.

Now, you let that camera followed your steps to the kitchen, hopped on the counter with Hyejin, watched you cook, watched you stir the soup, watched you chew a piece of bacon. You wondered if, on the screen, you were still stiff and clumsy. Or, 

Or would you reflect such undying love that glowed on Hyejin's face? 

She didn't even bother hiding. That she loved, loves, you. 

"Give me the camera", you said, eventually. The dinner was done and without her radio script and your musical screenplay, you were hoping for an easy night. Your hand reached across the table, palm opened. "I want to take your picture."

I want to capture the love you show, you didn't say. 

She made you swear a pinky promise that you wouldn't look at photos she took, nor would you delete any that you would take. You promised, and the weight of your privacy heavy in your hands. 

Now, the weight of her privacy also. 

The way she looked in those digital pixels amazed you. Humble was the tool, yet Hyejin knew how to look exactly as she looked at the moment. Amusement deepened her dimple when she chuckled at that humour gig. The loud sigh when their favorite donut shop took a day off from online delivery. An endless hum echoed in the living room. 

The hurt was evident when you avoided her snuggle. To take another photo, you reasoned. But you couldn't even convince yourself. 

You hurt her and it showed. 

That's why you can't date her.

"The camera loves you," you said, fingers itching to delete that last picture but clicking it shut instead. And you couldn't bear staining her camera roll with evidence of your cowardliness anymore. 

"The camera doesn't understand you" she replied. "Not even the most expensive one I can find. I'll wait for you in bed, unnie."

You moved as if in a trance. Cleaned the snack, walked to the bathroom, and brushed your teeth. You didn't notice the new toothbrush or the taste of her toothpaste in your mouth. You were busy reasoning with no one but yourself that sharing a pillow three nights in a row and having every three days were not dating. 

It was a sinful war. 

You never sleep at her house even though you two definitely have . Regularly, in fact. The part, not the sleep part. You slipped out of her bed when she fell asleep. She tried not to. You know. But you also know where on her spine makes her purr, which pattern drawn on her back would ease her eyelids shut, how she would bury herself into your warmth and murmur sentences you always try to reduce to sleepy nonsense before she slumbers into dreamland.

So that's that. 

Yet you kiss Hyejin goodbye before you leave. But you can't let her kiss you goodbye because it would mean she's okay with you leaving and you don't want to officially acknowledge that. Even though you're not dating, the idea bruises your heart. 

Yes, that's the main point. 

You're not dating, and this is just another day at war. A fling, a release for you both.

So you put on your best armor, and head out