[Time Lapse] 

 

Taeyeon strides in heavy steps into the stage, not forgetting to thank her fans. “Kamsahamnida!”

She hears the guitar, accompanied by the piano echoing through the stadium.  Time Lapse. Orange lights peeks through the darkness and the spotlights point at the singer standing at the heart of the venue. 

 

“Birthdays

Are always the same

Many of them have passed

I feel like I’m becoming an adult”

 

Taeyeon closes her eyes for a mere second and a memory, one that pierces, flashes briefly. 

 

---Flashback—Girls’ Generation Shanghai Concert 2010---

 

“Jessica, happy birthday!” The eight girls shout in unison, singing the rest of the song with giddy shoulders as Jessica blows the candles on the cake. 

Taeyeon doesn’t know who started it, but the next thing she sees are the girls’ reaching for Jessica’s face with sweet vanilla icing at their fingertips.  The leader stares at the latter’s face with cake and icing adorably plastered on her face.  Taeyeon doesn’t miss the quick pouty face Jessica throws at her before a figure blocks her view.

The other girls encircle Jessica, helping her clean up the icing on her face.  Taeyeon follows suit, running up to Jessica’s side.  The leader takes a peek of the pouty birthday girl and Taeyeon can’t help but smile.  

She bites the inside of her cheek to stop herself from making a dangerous move.  One that she knows she’ll regret after the show.  She ends up doing it anyway. 

Taeyeon leans in towards Jessica’s cheek and gives a playful of the icing to “help” with the cleaning up. 

Pictures of Jessica’s face with a smear of a on her cheek were later posted on SNS.  

 

---End of Flashback---

 

Taeyeon opens her eyes and sees the crowd.  A crowd she has seen numerous times, yet so different from the one she had experienced with her. 

 

“But still, when I think of your name

Tears well up and when I close my eyes

I see you and even though everything changed

You’re always at the same place, looking the same

Making me cry”

 

---Flashback---

 

“You should try calling Jessica.” Tiffany whispers over the phone.  She hadn’t meant the words to come out as a whisper yet everything related to Jessica seems to be forbidden. Taeyeon stays mum over the suggestion, staring into blank space. 

 

“Well I need to go.  Just take care of yourself alright Taeyeon?” 

 

“I will.  Thanks Fany-ah.” The call ends.  Taeyeon is engulfed once more in silence.  

 

Jessica.  Jung Sooyeon.  The name she used to call so often years ago, yet now she barely knows the name.  Jessica.  Sooyeon.  Jessica.  Sica. 

 

Taeyeon closes her eyes in hopes of getting rid of the mantra calling Jessica’s name in her head.  

 

Yet the moment she closes her eyes, a figure pops in her head.  The weary and hopeless gaze staring at her from afar.  The gaze that 23-year-old Taeyeon refused to meet.  She sees Jessica standing behind the members, staring at her with the last traces of hope in her eyes.  Hope of getting Taeyeon to look at her with the same gaze the old Taeyeon used to give her during their debut days. 

 

The image doesn’t change.  How often did Jessica look at her like that? 

 

---End of Flashback---

 

“The seasons are still the same

Though many have passed

Now it’s time that

I got used to being without you”

 

---Flashback---

Hearty talks over drinks at Sunny’s house hits different from having it at any of the other girls’ houses.  Taeyeon doesn’t know if it’s the luxurious alcoholic drinks Sunny owns, or the way the living room lights emit an irresistible vibe or the way Sunny decorates her home with Girls’ Generation posters, pictures and albums when Jessica was still part of the group. 

 

“I miss Sooyeon.  Don’t you too, Taeyeon-ah?”  Sunny bitterly smiles at her shot glass.  Taeyeon sees Sooyoung subtly nudging Sunny through the corner of her eyes.  The leader hears Sooyoung whispering a faint ‘yah, you're drunk.’ 

 

Taeyeon musters the courage to look at the shelf behind Sunny where a picture of them as a complete group from one of their concerts stands at the center of the shelf.  Nine. Taeyeon smiles. 

 

Her gaze then lingers to the Lion Heart album right below the picture.  She counts the girls in the album.  Eight.  Taeyeon bitterly smiles. 

Herself.  Sunkyu.  Miyoung.  Hyoyeon.  Yuri.  Sooyoung.  Yoona.  Juhyun.   

 

“Don’t mind her Taeyeon, she’s drunk—”

 

“—Yeah, I miss her too, Sunkyu.”  

 

---End of Flashback---

 

“But still, when I think of your name

Tears well up and when I close my eyes

I see you and even though everything changed

You’re always at the same place, looking the same

Making me cry”

 

The beat of the drums (or was it the beat of Taeyeon’s heart?), echoes through the venue.  Then a moment of silence. 

Taeyeon sings in almost a murmur—pained eyes searching through the crowds.  

 

“Yeah, that’s how all break-ups are

It’s about erasing all

The happy memories of being together”

 

---Flashback—September 2014---

 

“You said you weren’t going to leave!” Taeyeon slams the door shut.  Jessica stays silent, grabbing her clothes from the tiny closet and stuffing it in her luggage.  Taeyeon grabs a hold of the younger one’s wrist. 

 

“Talk to me, Sooyeon-ah!” Tears well up in Taeyeon’s eyes, hands in a tight fist, and breath heaving shakily. 

 

“There’s nothing else to say, Taeyeon-ah.  It’s what the company wants.” Jessica lets go of the latter’s hold, still facing the closet. 

 

“Bull!  The Sooyeon I know would fight to make things right.” 

 

As if something had triggered her, Jessica turns around to face Taeyeon.  Eyes red and puffy.  Tears endlessly rolling down.  It was a sight Taeyeon had never seen before.  And it was a gaze that Taeyeon had never seen the latter give her. 

A gaze of resentment.  Hurt.  Hopelessness.  Tired.  Hatred.  

 

“Well the Taeyeon I know wouldn’t have even thought of entering the same room I am in! The Taeyeon I know wouldn’t have even touched my wrist as if it wouldn’t burn her.  And the Taeyeon I know would never even be looking at me like the way you’re looking at me.” 

 

Taeyeon doesn’t know when Jessica had walked closer towards her because now all she hears is the heavy breaths of Jessica landing on her lips. 

 

“So why are you here Taeyeon?  Why are you bawling for me when you were so disgusted to even spare me a glance?” Jessica’s words strike her with truth.  Yet everything about the younger one’s words were false. 

 

“Why? Why Taeyeon? Wh—”

 

Taeyeon lunges forward, kisses Jessica and gently touches her face like she’s some fragile vase.  Every pain, every headache, and everything just seems to dissolve the moment Taeyeon tastes those damn lips.  

Taeyeon doesn’t know if Jessica is kissing her back, so she surges in deeper.  Surging for answers to her questions. 

 

Everything seems so ecstatic, heavenly—

 

—until Jessica breaks the kiss.  Taeyeon is confused.  Hurt.  Disappointed.  Devastated. 

 

“You can’t just do that to me,” Taeyeon gazes at the teardrop daring to fall from Jessica’s eye,  “you can’t just ignore me and hate me from the past two years and barge into my room demanding me to stay and ing kiss me!” 

 

 A brief glimpse of the past two years of the ‘Taeyeon and Jessica feud' flashes through Taeyeon’s eyes.   

 

‘Would you believe me when I say that avoiding your irresistible gaze was the easiest thing for me to do to stop these goddamn feelings for you?’

‘Would you believe me when I say I’ve been longing for your touch but I would’ve lost control over these feelings if you did?’

‘Would you believe me when I say that the things I feel for you are far from hatred?’ 

 

Taeyeon doesn’t say any of those. Jessica turns around from the lack of response.  The older one watches Jessica walk further away from her, packing every belonging she has in the tiny dormitory room. 

 

“Because I care for you.” Taeyeon mutters softly. “It won't be complete without you, Sooyeon-ah. So please…” 

 

The loud click of the luggage closing echoes in the room. Jessica releases a faint snort.  “Don’t you think it’s a little too late for your care?” The younger one grabs the handle of her luggage, striding for the door. 

 

“Let the other girls know I said goodbye,” Jessica turns around once more before stepping out of the door, “and Taeyeon?” 

 

Taeyeon looks up to meet her gaze.  This one was indecipherable.  One she has never seen the latter give her. 

 

“I hope things were like those rainy days when I would visit you at the radio station… I miss that…” 

 

---End of Flashback---

 

“But when I try to forget

Tears well up (tears well up)

On top of those tears

You flow down and time stops

My feelings that I tried to hide

Quietly raises its head

Calling out to you with a longing voice”

 

Taeyeon closes her eyes.  Series of memories flashes and the sounds of the drums resonate deep within her—matching the heavy thumping of her heart.  

Heart wrenching, throbbing, and aching from each memory, Taeyeon cries out to her singing.  Sings the pain out as loud as she could in hopes of perhaps letting her hear the words of her heart. 

 

“Yeah, that’s how love is

The start and end are always so different

Yeah, that’s how all break-ups are

A deeper love comes and makes you cry”

 

---Flashback—Tokyo Dome Concert 2014---

 

They hold hands.  Encircled.  Taeyeon looks at her members. The girls are crying.  Sunny was crying the most, tears raining and staining the stage.  Seohyun follows suit, trying her best to remain composed.  Yoona cries with her tightly holding Yuri, who begins to cry as well.  Sooyoung and Tiffany’s eyes well up with breaths shaking. 

 

Taeyeon then takes a look at Hyoyeon, she quickly whips her head down at the sight of the main dancer.  Hyoyeon wasn’t one to easily cry.  She was the moodmaker.  The happy vitamin of the group.  

 

But to see the stream of tears falling out of those eyes full of pain and sorrow, Taeyeon feels pain in her chest.  Then a tear drops on her cheek.  She quickly diminishes the tear.  

She has to be strong.  

 

Taeyeon stares at the crowd.  55,000 of SONES.  Then stares back at her members.  They are now eight and she’s no longer here.  Taeyeon closes her eyes, words echo in her ears. ‘Wouldn’t it be nice to perform at Tokyo Dome, right Taeyeon-ah?’ 

 

The song ends.  They meet in the middle as eight, holding hands and bows to the crowd.  The lights go dim and they rush to the backstage to change for the next section of the concert.  

 

But Taeyeon couldn’t hold it any more.  She rushes for the nearest empty room.  A tear drops.  Then another one. And another.  And another. 

 

---End of Flashback---

 

“Yeah, this break-up keeps making me cry” 

Taeyeon takes a look at the crowd before the lights go dim.  'I wish you were there in the crowd, Sooyeon-ah.'