this is how the news break: 

 

joohyun’s drinking her coffee in the small balcony of her seoul apartment, writing cursive worries on the black, leather-clad journal yerim got for her last birthday. the sun is setting slowly, the sky is a mixture of five colors that dance harmoniously together, and the radio host (her friend, seungwan) gasps from where her phone is discarded on the table.

 

“oh my god…” seungwan whispers, her voice high-pitched and strained. “news reports… it’s happening. it’s happening tonight.”

 

doomsday is something joohyun does not like to entertain, the concept of it foreign and blurry and distant. she isn’t one for such things - religion, spirituality, whatever her mind can’t fully grasp, she ignores. but lately, it was hard to ignore it.

 

not with the way tension between governments has been escalating, anyway. nuclear threats became so discussed even kids know what to do in case of a nuclear incident.

 

joohyun’s pen drops, disturbing the silence. doomsday, huh? she didn’t expect for it to come so soon. time seems to still for a second, maybe two, but then seungwan says, “please find your loved ones, find the nearest shelter in your area.”

 

and it doesn’t surprise her one bit when only one loved person comes to her mind, and there is only one place she would rather be.

 

there is a grip that viciously constricts her heart. she has an hour or two max, call her mother, tell her to take the family and stay safe. she should call sooyoung, tell her to pick yerim on her way to seungwan’s work, that they should meet in the shelter they picked together.

 

instead, she finds herself staring at the sun as it slowly falls to sleep, and her heart keeps reminding her that none of that matters but that one person.

 

its doomsday, and someone down the street shouts in pure agony - joohyun finds that she wants to, too.

 

joohyun finds that nothing matters, and if she has to die, she doesn’t want to die alone.

 

 

-

 

 

“when we’re fifty,” joohyun says, tucking a strand of blonde hair behind her lover’s ear. “let’s move to jeju for a year. we can rent a house by the sea, and you can work on your music and i can work on my book. just the two of us.”

 

said lover smiles in that way that makes her eyes curve into lines. “then, every day until we are fifty, and even after that, you have to wake up and choose to love me even when i’m annoying, frustrating, or wrong.”

 

joohyun thinks, yeah, she can do that. “okay.” her pinky is offered, and her younger counterpart links their own with hers. “i promise to love you every day. even when i hate you.”

 

seulgi laughs, then, and shakes her head. “i will always love you. especially when i hate you.”

 

 

-

 

 

her mom calls her first. she’s crying, and her dad keeps talking in the background, ushering her to tell joohyun to be safe.

 

he sounds so calm that for an instant, as she’s picking her keys and wallet (on pure instincts, just like it is that she locks her door and closes the kitchen light before leaving), she wonders if he is still hopeful the governments settle this without an actual nuclear war breaking out.

 

joohyun wonders if she has hope.

maybe. her wallet in her pocket feels like a promise they might see another tomorrow.

 

sooyoung calls her when she’s walking in the street, tells her they will all meet in shelter at ten sharp, that she’s stuck in traffic and has half a mind to just drop her car there and then and run to seungwan, who apparently was with yerim already. she barely hears any of it but she nods and says, “will be there.”

 

some other friends call and she doesn’t answer, her eyes stinging with tears and constricting. she’s thirty one. only nineteen years left till fifty. she already lost one year without seulgi - can’t imagine wasting anymore time.

 

her feet lead her to the girl’s appartement on instinct too. that isn’t how she planned for this day, not what she is prepared for.

 

the way there feels familiar. she thinks of what she’ll say, of what will happen. she finds that she’s scared, feels dumb that the world is about to end but she’s afraid the love of her life wouldn’t open the door.

 

doomsday, huh? the end of everything, joohyun went through that before; the day seulgi and her broke up.

 

 

-

 

 

seulgi is like her favourite season, summer. she’s warm, sunshine in joohyun’s chest when she takes care of her, suntan on her skin where she kisses her, dried salt on her cheek when seulgi begs her to stay.

 

they hurt each other. they don’t want to, but they do. they don’t work. there are reasons why joohyun’s packing her clothes, the back of her shirt humid with sweat and seulgi’s voice hoarse from crying.

 

there are reasons why they break up:

 

joohyun’s always busy with work (which she calls having a real job) and seulgi’s always humming a nameless tune (which joohyun calls a hobby). sure, seulgi’s music career pays half of the bills they split each month, but she could be doing so much more instead of sleeping-in every morning and accepting every party invitation thrown her way.

 

it’s unfair only one of them is so stressed.

 

joohyun’s not so affectionate with words (thinks subtle actions suffice) and seulgi’s love is as big as her heart (joohyun thinks she can’t always handle it). it’s overwhelming to love, and be loved, when you were never taught how to.

 

it’s unfair only one of them sets boundaries.

 

joohyun’s reasons to leave seem to grow the more she thinks about it. seulgi offers her just as many reasons to stay. she doesn’t really realize, as she walks away that day, that maybe the only reason why she really leaves is that she’s scared.

 

and it’s so unfair, so, so unfair that seulgi turns out to be the one that stays even if joohyun always feared she’d be the one to leave first.

 

because to love and be loved, that takes guts.

 

 

-

 

 

the crowds aren’t as panicked as she imagined when she pictured doomsday, when the south korean government started initiating programs to inform and educate the masses. people walk in strides, trustful that they will all get to the shelters where they signed their names in, that there is enough room for everyone.

 

some people are holding hands, some are praying, some are trying to cheer those crying and honestly, for someone who pride themselves in being calm, joohyun is the most agitated person out there.

 

joohyun’s agitated and her eyes dart around because - what if seulgi was already leaving to join her friends in another shelter? and what if she wasn’t in seoul? and what if she’s already on her way to joohyun’s, too?

 

that last question makes her heart swell with hope. she might be delusional.

 

what if seulgi doesn’t want to see her?

 

hope dies right there.

 

she should call. so she picks her phone and dials the number she deleted in a drunk haze six months ago, six months after their break up. she remembers it, somehow. 

 

forgetting anything about seulgi is never an option.

 

hope dies and lives with seulgi.

 

 

-

 

 

they meet like this:

 

seulgi smiles shyly, asks if she can sit next to joohyun in the bus, and although it’s a long ride, and she isn’t feeling particularly sociable, she says yes.

 

seulgi talks a lot. seulgi is happy often. seulgi sings in a band, but will stop in two months because she signed a deal with an influential entertainment company to write songs for idols.

 

joohyun listens. joohyun usually doesn’t, but she listens and is happy when seulgi is. joohyun is a writer in a big-shot journal and has side jobs with foreign online websites but dreams of quitting and writing a book about love.

 

they exchange numbers when they arrive at daegu. joohyun memorizes it on the spot.

 

seulgi blinks and tells her she has a gig in this bar that’s popular lately tonight, calls her unnie for the first time, wonders if she’d like to come, bows deeply when she has to leave, is so, so, so pretty as she waves goodbye and joohyun’s chest hurts.

 

they meet like this:

 

joohyun hops in a bus one day to see her parents, thinks to herself that she can’t write a book about love if she’s never loved anyone before. seulgi’s a stranger that keeps bumping her shoulder and whose smile could power the entirety of south korea.

 

joohyun leaves the bus thinking yeah, she could write a book, she could go to the bar tonight.

 

 

-

 

 

the line is crowded, certainly busy now that everyone is trying to call friends and family but she insists and eventually, reaches seulgi’s phone.

 

the girl answers at the third beep.

 

“seul,” joohyun breathes out, sounds desperate and relieved all at once. hope, it clings to her as she walks faster. “are you home?”

 

courage feels easy now, maybe because she only has an hour left before having to be in the shelter, maybe because if a dooming war has to erupt, she needs to find peace within herself first.

 

seulgi’s crying. a sob escapes her, muffled. “yes. i tried to call you- i couldn’t reach you. i didn’t know if i should come to you.” she sniffles and the line is silent for a second. “unnie, i don’t know what to do. soojung, sooyeon unnie and her wife, they are in america. they were supposed to be here for this. what do i do?”

 

joohyun walks faster, bumping into a few people who only nod in pity when they see tears in her eyes. “don’t move. i’ll be there in ten, okay?”

 

“okay.” seulgi answers, whispers it like she’s trying her best not to cry again. joohyun hears the way she breathes, thinks this sound is enough to bring her some calmness. “unnie?” she sniffles again. “i missed you.”

 

“shhh,” joohyun says, rounds a corner and starts seeing the shape of seulgi’s building. “i’m here now.”

 

and to find peace within a war, wasn’t that the simplest way to be human?

 

 

-

 

 

there are reasons why they broke up-

none of them matter, anymore.

 

joohyun watches as the door opens and seulgi peeks, and she feels this unrelenting need to dart forward and engulf the girl in a hug.

 

so she does. she reaches for her shoulders first, brings her closer, and tightens her arms around seulgi’s quivering form.

 

it’s like riding a bike. she remembers just how her lover likes to be held, and indulges her. remembers her perfume because it’s still the same, and nuzzles further in the embrace for more. remembers every reason why she left this woman, and right then and there decides, until they are fifty and more, she could learn to love her anyway.

 

joohyun sighs out of relief. “why are you crying?” she asks softly, voice echoing in the empty hallways connecting to seulgi’s place. when seulgi simply shakes her head, she pats her back. “are you scared? it will be okay.”

 

this time, the younger girl pulls back to look at her. seulgi’s face holds pain like an old friend, like it’s been there for a while now. without makeup, she looks younger, looks like the first time they met. her eyes, although bloodshot, curve a little as she attempts a smile.

 

“not so much, now that you’re here.” she stops gripping joohyun’s shirt to wipe frustratedly at her tears. “i think i was panicking. they said the war wouldn’t start before at least a year, in estimation. so i didn’t expect it so soon.”

 

“no one did,” joohyun says sympathetically, biting down on her lower lip. she reaches to smooth the girl’s hair. “it’s okay, i called seungwan for help. she pulled a few strings. she’ll add your name to our shelter room. is that okay?”

 

seulgi nods endearingly fast.

 

affection bubbles in joohyun’s chest like molten lava, freezing every worry to stone like pompeii. she leans forward and hesitates midway, but seulgi meets her halfway and joohyun’s heart soars with peacefulness as she finally kisses her forehead again.

 

“come,” she says, “let’s go.”

 

joohyun’s not one for religion, but she begs god for at least nineteen more years.

she grips seulgi’s hand and walks urgently, because of course it’s on doomsday that joohyun finds a reason to not be afraid.

 

 

-

 

 

seulgi takes a week after their first date before she holds her hand.

 

(her fingers find joohyun’s wrist first, then she slowly slips to the gaps between the latter’s fingers and finally settles there.

 

their hands fit like puzzle pieces.)

 

seulgi takes two weeks after they first hold hands to kiss her.

 

(she’s certain and assured, lips so soft joohyun thinks that’s how it feels to touch clouds.

 

her tongue is a storm, and her moans make want pool in their bellies.)

 

seulgi takes three deep breathes when they first fight, and then, she apologizes and says she’ll do better.

 

(she buys flowers the next day and wine chocolate and shows up to joohyun’s place in a sundress.

 

“i know what i did wrong, and it won’t happen again - not intentionally at least.”

 

it doesn’t happen again.

she does better.)

 

here’s the thing: seulgi is patient, and waits for joohyun to be ready.

joohyun’s in love for the first time ever, and is ready to bolt.

 

she’s careful, though, because hearts break, and she had no clue how they mend.

 

 

-

 

 

at first, they walk in silence, and then, seulgi shuffles a little closer until joohyun looks at her curiously. she looks away shyly. “you came to look for me,” she states dumbly, hand gripping joohyun’s a bit tighter. “unnie… you didn’t have to, but you came.”

 

there is a question somewhere in there that joohyun understands easily. she has no answer though, because she acted on impulse all day and it doesn’t even matter now. “of course i did.” she had to. “i had to.”

 

seulgi isn’t just anyone. deep down, as joohyun tugs at their linked arms so they take a corner in the street, she knew even before she called seulgi earlier, that the girl wouldn’t be okay alone on a day like this.

 

seulgi who only knows how to care for others, never for herself. seulgi who puts everyone else second, and herself third, because joohyun came first. seulgi who looks very much like a small, helpless cub right now, staring at joohyun with hurt eyes that speak volumes.

 

joohyun wets her lips, looks ahead and thinks it’s eight thirty and they’ve arrived a bit early to shelter. thinks she needs to call the girls to alert them but doesn’t wanna let go of seulgi’s hand yet.

 

“i had to see you,” her ex-girlfriend says. “i didn’t want to die without seeing unnie. i just didn’t know if you felt the same. i had to see you, because otherwise it really doesn’t make sense.”

 

joohyun looks at her again, finds those hurt eyes and her breath hitches.

 

“yeah,” she says. her thumb caresses the back of the girl’s hand. “i know.”

 

 

-

 

 

joohyun thinks of calling seulgi all the time, the first few weeks after the breakup. she doesn’t.

 

seulgi shows a little bit less self restraint, the first few days when she begs her to see that they could really be great together if they tried to do better but then, one day, seulgi dips and joohyun cries at the thought that the girl finally gave up trying.

 

they dated a year, but only called each other lovers for six months of it. they took it slow, seulgi mindful of joohyun’s fear of attachment and abandonment.

 

so, joohyun wonders, if she lived twenty nine years without seulgi, how come she feels like she can’t live without her after only a year together?

 

well. it turns out, it doesn’t get easier to stay away, but out of sight, out of mind, and joohyun made sure to set her sight on work and work only.

 

(sometimes, when it’s friday night and she has too much to drink, seulgi’s face comes up unexpected and suddenly, she thinks grief is cuffed to her ankles.

 

whenever she looks back, it’s there.)

 

 

-

 

 

they settle in this room with two double-bunks beds and a mini fridge full of water and a shelf that has canned food that joohyun and the girls stocked about a month ago. clothes are stacked in dressers, and some boxes make a tiny mountain in the corner.

 

it turns out, seungwan made some calls, and joohyun was relieved to find she didn’t have to argue with anyone to add seulgi’s name to the list.

 

the room is on the eighth floor underground, the one that is right under the electricity central of the shelter.

 

“woah.” seulgi blinks, always so easily impressed. “when i visited my shelter with soojung, sooyeon and taeyeon unnie, it was empty.”

 

joohyun hums pensively. “don’t worry, they’re safe where they are, i’m sure.”

 

seulgi nods and waits by the door. she feels the weight of the situation catch up, feels her nails dig in her palms now that her hands are empty and-

 

“no, no, no, don’t do that,” joohyun says seriously and walks back to where seulgi stood. “focus on me, don’t get too much in your head.”

 

if a few years ago anyone told joohyun that the world would end on a monday at midnight because of a nuclear war, she would’ve laughed.

 

but here she is, cradling seulgi’s face like she’s porcelain and although she broke her once, she would never make the same mistake twice.

seulgi’s eyes hold so much hurt.

 

“we don’t have the time to worry,” joohyun says, laughing a little, because she means that so literally the situation feels absurd. 

 

“i know.” seulgi says after a beat. she smiles, amused by the lightheartedness in joohyun’s laugh. her lips thin as she gulps, seulgi leans forward just enough to connect their foreheads. “you came back for me.” her voice shakes and suggests what she feels: like she doesn’t believe she came back for her.

 

joohyun hates that she caused this, hates the hint of self-deprecation she spots between the lines. “don’t sound so surprised,” she begs. her brows furrowed. “please.”

 

there is loudness all around them. it actually reminds them the world is ending, but for that particular moment, it doesn’t matter.

 

“please,” joohyun pleads again and she leans forward one centimeter closer, feels seulgi’s exhales fanning over her lips.

 

seulgi looks physically in pain, conflicted because, although she mumbles, “but you left me,” she flutters her eyes shut and closes the distance between them and -

 

if a year ago anyone told joohyun that she’d be kissing seulgi again, that the world would end on a monday, and she wouldn’t be crying, or screaming, or afraid, but relieved with seulgi in her arms, she would’ve cried.

 

because what the . fate has a twisted sense of duty.

 

 

-

 

 

joohyun’s world ends on a monday.

 

she leaves seulgi crying by the door and to be honest, that’s how that breakup felt like.

 

like the world ended.

 

 

-

 

 

and they kiss, and they kiss, and it’s slow, and sweet, like they have time.

 

they kiss because they spent a year apart and only have two hours to catch up. they kiss because they can, and seulgi’s arms around her neck make her understand what religion is all about.

 

that god made sure seulgi and her end up together, because what the younger girl said wasn’t untrue, it really doesn’t make sense if it ended otherwise.

 

they kiss until there is a knock on the door and seungwan runs to seulgi before even sparing joohyun a glance and she tells her she missed her, hugs her, then cries a little.

 

sooyoung tells joohyun she’s such a romantic, for someone who hates love and yerim grins at her teasingly like the world isn’t ending in one hour and fifty five minutes.

 

 

-

 

 

the reports say that if the first bombs don’t suffice to destroy the earth as we know it, the second round would. most of humanity might die in the span of ten minutes.

 

the reports say the negotiations between all nations are still going on at the moment, that there is hope (joohyun thinks of seulgi, of her wallet and keys), that solutions have to be found because otherwise foolishness of mankind will very well cost them all their lives.

 

the reports say a lot of things which the girls barely listen to and they’re huddled on the floor around a big bowl of ramyeon and a hamburger cheese pack. yerim brought them with her, which is very typical of her, seulgi remembers fondly.

 

yerim laughs and calls her seulgi unnie like she never left their lives at all.

 

joohyun smiles at seulgi gently, looks at her more than she eats. it’s okay because seulgi feeds her sometimes, grins shyly when joohyun keeps her eyes fixated on her and they’re so, so, so, so fond of each other. 

 

joohyun smiles at her gently.

 

joohyun, regretful, hopeful, anxious, scared joohyun, smiles at seulgi gently because even if the world wasn’t ending, spending the rest of her life without this girl wouldn’t have been worth it.

 

 

-

 

 

11:55.

 

seulgi cries in that quiet way that somehow worries joohyun even more.

 

joohyun cries too, but she holds seulgi in her arms on the top bunk they’re lying on and it feels okay, somehow. like she accepts her fate.

 

the voice blooming through the whole structure reporting live events fills the silence that fell on their room after their meal. sooyoung and wendy are on the bed bellow them and yerim is on the phone, facetiming saeron who’s stuck in the us, too.

 

“i am sorry, for everything.” joohyun says that urgently.

 

“i am sorry too,” seulgi looks genuine. “there isn’t a day i didn’t think of you the past year.”

 

“me too.” a peck on seulgi’s lip. fate and her twisted sense of duty can go themselves, honestly. joohyun kisses her harder. 

 

11:58.

 

“i remember thinking, when i signed up for a shelter, whether i’ll see you again,” seulgi says after they break the kiss, hand caressing joohyun’s cheek. “it’s just- i should’ve been more scared but all i could find myself thinking is: if the world was ending, would joohyun unnie look for me?” she smiles. “and you did.”

 

“should’ve found you sooner,” joohyun mumbles, a pang of guilt making it hard to breathe but then seulgi smiles tenderly again.

 

“but you did, now, and that’s all that matters.”

 

11:59.

 

joohyun leans for a kiss, seulgi meets her halfway.

 

i love yous are ushered desperately.

if god exists, joohyun only needs him to let her meet seulgi again in another life.

 

12:00.

 

the clock strikes midnight. joohyun feels like , nineteen more years wouldn’t have been enough anyway. forever? she would’ve needed more time than that, too.

 

but if the world has to end, then let it be with seulgi in her arms.