Oceans and Engines

SEULGI

 

I’m here, where everything feels okay

In the oceans, where everything is calm

 

“Hey” someone said but I didn’t bother to look

“You’re new” she said

“Ngayon lang kita nakita dito, have you been going here?” she asked, I never mutter a word

“I’m always here, every night.” she said

 

That made me wonder, it’s the first time I heard of her.

 

“I don’t know why you’re here pero just so you know, being here gives me comfort” she added

 

And completely silence

 

I don’t know but having someone here beside me, exactly here in this place where everything feels calm and okay, it makes me feel more than okay.

 

And all I want now is to hear her talk and talk ‘cause to be honest, her voice is so soothing.

“Thank you for your company, stranger.” she said after how many hours. I don’t know how many exactly. When I’m here, I never use my phone. I’m just here, escaping. resting.

 

she left after saying that

 

After that, I feel alone. All alone.

 

Oceans, where I feel safe.

There you are making me feel the same.

I know I’ll be alright

Knowing you’re on my sight.

 

 

“Seul!!” you called me, the voice. That voice, and the sound of the waves, both made me feel safe.

“Yes, lagi?” I answered

“Date tayo, love?” you said,

 

Hell, how can I resist?

 

“Where po?”

“I don’t know din. Everywhere, wherever pa basta I’m with you. I’ll be okay, lagi.”

“Okay then, love. Let’s go?”

 

Remember that girl, the one I met in the oceans? She’s now my very own ocean, my rest, and my safe place. My love, my always.

 

“Oh, dito?”

“You don’t want ba, love? Dito. Where everything starts. Where the ‘us’ happened. Dito. Sa karagatan kung saan saksi sa lahat, lagi.”

“Always poetic, Seul.” And we laughed

 

Oceans, where I am okay. With you, I feel safe.

 

“Alam mo ba, love?”

“Ang alin?”

“You’re my strength. The one who keeps me going. The one who made me feel alive. You’re my life, Seulgi. My everything.”

“I love you, Irene.”

“I love you more than everything, my everything.”
 

And there, in the oceans, with the sunset, I kissed your forehead.

 

My greatest love, you give everything you have

Now you’re here, in the oceans

Waiting for me, your engines,

Who keep you going and going.

 

 

“Irene naman, you’ve been away for days. You’re nowhere to be found, I can’t contact you. Now you’re here, uuwi ka dito na parang wala lang?”

“Love, I’m sorry. Nandito na ako oh?”

“And you think that’s enough?”

“I’m not enough ba, Seul?”

“You are more than enough, Irene. I just need you to be honest with me the same way I am with you. Hindi ka umuwi for how many days, 3 days to be exact and now you’re here acting like you’re not away for days.”

“I need some time to think, love. I need some time to run away, okay? Understand please.”

“Run away with me, lagi.”

“I love you so much, Seulgi.”

 

It’s been like that for years. Years with you, I got used to you disappearing suddenly for days, and worst, weeks.

 

“Love, let’s rest muna?” I said after you came home to me.

 

After that 3 weeks.
 

“Anong rest, seul?”
 

“I’m so tired of this. I’m tired of this setup, lagi.”

“Then rest with me, love?”

“I would love to. Resting with you, that feels nice. Going there, sa oceans, with you. That’s life. But how can I do that when ako lang naman ata yung nagpapahinga sayo? And when times na you’re not okay and you need to think, you’ll go away. Leaving me here, waiting for you. You won’t let me. When will you let me be with you, love? When will you let me share the thoughts you have there in your head and we’ll think together? When will you let me be with you not only through the ups but even through the lows? When will you let me in?”

“Seulgi, I love you so damn much.”

“I know. I love you more than you think I do, Irene. Give me your thoughts, and let’s think together. Let’s run away together.”

“I love you.” you said, and right there, I broke down.
I never talked to you for weeks, we’re living under the same roof. Breathing the same air. But you feel so far.

 

“Love, let’s talk naman? I can’t take this anymore eh.” you said

“Think through, Irene.”

“I love you, okay? I won’t be away na, I promise.”

“I don’t want you to promise a thing na you won’t do. I don’t want you to stay, go, and be away. But please, tell me why. Just tell me.”

“I’m lost. I feel so blue sometimes, seulgi. And every time I feel that, all I wanna do is to go everywhere. Go where I can think and remember you. I go to the places where we have memories and think. Tell myself ‘I have you’, and ‘I’m okay’.”

“Why? What do you mean, lagi?”

“There are times where I feel like it’s time.”

“It’s time? for what?”

“It’s time to marry you na. And I just have to run away kasi I know you’re not ready pa.”

“Rene? Are you serious?”

“Yes, love. It’s early pa, I know. Pero I know din na I want to marry you, I want you. All of you. Only you.”

“Lagi, you shouldn’t be thinking about that alone. You should’ve told me that. We can talk about it.”

“I don’t really know, Seul.”

“Let’s get married, Irene.”

“What?!”

“I do, love. I’ll marry you. Anytime. As long as it’s you, I’m fine.”

“Okay then, let’s marry each other na bukas!”

“Lagi?”

“Yes, my palagi?”

“Are you serious?”

“I am always serious about you, Seul.”

“That fast? Tomorrow na agad?”

“You don’t want ba?”

“I’m okay lang naman with it but..”

“But?”

“Isn’t it..”

“Just kidding po, next week?”

“Next week it is, love”

“I love you, palagi.”

“I love you more, my palagi lagi.”

and it may be fast, but we both know what we’re doing. We both know it’s us and us alone.

I’ve been searching,

What I deserve when there you are, my everything

There you are fighting

Doing everything including loving

 

me.

 

“Irene Miranda, do you take Seulgi Ferrer as your lawfully wedded wife?”

“I do.”

“Seulgi Ferrer, do you take Irene Miranda as your lawfully wedded wife?”

“I do.”

“And now, I pronounce you both. Wife and wife.”

I looked at you, we smiled to each other

and I know for sure, I am the happiest today. Until my last breath, if it’s with you. I am and I will, the happiest on earth.

“You may now kiss your wife.”

and I kissed you in front of everyone. Here, in front of the ocean.

“Lagi” and here we are, in front of the ocean again. the moon is looking at us so lovingly while I am looking at you, lovingly and peacefully.

“Lagi, yes po?”

“I asked you to repeat to me your vows, hindi ba?”

“Yes po, inalala ko lang that day.”

“Mmm, the day we get married?”

“Yes, exactly.”

“Are you regretting it na ba ha?”

“Love, what are you saying?”

“You know, it’s an impulsive and fast decision.”

“And then?”

“Wala lang, maybe pinagsisisihan mo na?”

“I will never.”

“Aba, talaga. As you should.”

“I love you and I keep on loving you more and more, Irene. I will never regret marrying you and besides it’s been two years of being your wife, I’m still here. Always will, lagi.”

“I love you most, Seulgi.”

“Okay, love. If you say so?”

“You don’t believe ba?”

“I do.”

“Oh repeat mo na vows mo sa’kin, lagi!”

“Eto na po.”

“I’m listening po.”

“My love, Irene, you are my everything. My safe place, my rest sa nakakapagod na mundo. Ikaw ‘yung nag iisa, ‘yung natatangi na tinatangi ko. Ikaw ‘yung mahal ko sa kahit anong paraan, sa kahit saan, at kahit kalian. Hindi ko rin alam kung paano ko ipaparamdam at ilalahad ‘to gamit ang mga salita pero mahal ko, ikaw ‘yung babalik balikan. Ikaw ‘yung hihintayin magpakailanman. Ikaw ‘yung sasamahan, aalagaan sa hirap man o ginhawa. Mamahalin kita, sa araw-araw. Ikaw ‘yan, ikaw at ikaw lang. Wala nang iba, my palagi. Irene Miranda, kahit sino o ano ka man, tandaan mong ang ganda mo palagi. Dito ka sa’kin. Nandito lang ako, mananatili. Mahal na mahal kita, aking karagatan at ang nagsisilbi kong kalawakan.”

“I love you, Seulgi.”

“I love you, palagi.”
 

Does it ever drive you crazy? Just how fast the night changes.

I’m not a fan of whoever the artist of that song is but here I am telling you all that the song is so relatable.

I’m here in the oceans, alone. Just like the old times when you’re not in my life.

and I don’t know if I feel safe or not but knowing that you’re not here with me physically hurts. But it hurts more knowing that you’re here exactly in the oceans.

It’s unclear, not until you give up

And all I can do to see you is to look up

Heaven denied, destiny decried

Something beautiful died

 

 

Kaya pala, kaya mo pala pinaulit kasi gusto mong marinig sa huling pagkakataon. Pagkatapos no’n, inulit mo rin ‘yung vow mo.

“Lagi, alam mo naman na ikaw ‘yung palagi at lahat lahat sa’kin. Alam mo ‘yan, ‘di ba?”

“I know, love.”

“I love you, Seulgi Ferrer. Thank you for everything, for being my everything. You’re my everything, my home, my one and only. And to be honest, I never planned or wrote a vow for you. All I know and want to say is that I love you. I love you so much, I will do everything for you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you and I will love you until my very last breath. I will be with you. I will spend the rest of my life with you. I will treasure every moment with you. Seulgi Ferrer, I will be with you. I will love you ‘til the last. Mahal kita palagi, aking palagi lagi.”

“You’ll repeat your vow din pala, love.”

“I love you until the last, my Seulgi Ferrer.”

“Mahal kita, Irene.”

“Grabe, punong puno ako ng pagmamahal from you.” I joked

“I’m just telling you how I love you”

“I know po and you know I do din.”

“Love, do you loved my vow for you ba?”

“Hoy, why are you asking like that?”

“It’s so simple kasi and puro I love you ‘no?”

“And so? That’s everything for me, lagi. You loving me, that’s the best thing na nangyari sa buhay ko. And you telling me that repeatedly, that’s everything. You are my everything, love. You always say that to me pero you are my everything din. Do know that you are more than enough sa’kin.”

“I love you, I love you, I love you. My palagi, my love, my Seulgi Ferrer.”

“I love you, my wife. I love you, my Irene Miranda-Ferrer.”

I kissed you again, in the oceans, with the moon.

“Nilalamig ako, mahal.” You said

“I’ll go and get something in the car that can give you heat, okay? Wait for me.”

“Thank you for everything, my everything. Thank you for always waiting for me, it’s time na.”

“Lagi, anong sinasabi mo d’yan?”

“Ang sabi ko, ‘mahal kita, lagi.’, mahal na mahal. Thank you, palagi.”

“Mahal din kita, palagi. Hay nako, you’re so sweet today. I’ll get something na ha. D’yan ka lang?”

“Sa karagatan, lagi.” I smiled, and she did. That smile, the smile she gave me when we became official, the smile she gave to me at our wedding, that smile she gave to me. Only to me.

ang bilis naman, mahal. 6 years of loving you, and it feels like it’s not enough. It will never be enough, love. But at least you are.

My beautiful angel, you’re enough. More than enough.

 

Pagbalik ko from the engines, you’re nowhere to be found. Only a letter was found.

 

I thought it is something I can smile on, some of your games, a surprise.

 

But it’s something that broke my heart.

I opened the letter

To my wife, by the time you open this letter I know what’s on your mind na. You think it’s a surprise or something na I always do, a game. But love, you’re wrong. Lagi, you do know that I love you so much. And this is my last breath, with you. Always with you. And if ever you ask or someone ask if I’ll still do everything, I will. As long as it’s you, I will. As long as I can live with you, I will. And seulgi, it’s time. this is the time. my time. I am contented, I’m happy. Thank you always. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for changing my life and making it more better. Mahal, remember the time na we met? Here. Exactly where you’re reading this. That time I’m planning to stop my life. And that time you’re here, the first time ever na I feel like I’m not alone. The first time ever in my life na I feel like I’m not lost. Lost with the thoughts. The first time in my life na hindi ako tinatawag ng dagat. I’ve been feeling so blue not sometimes but all the time. There’s no point of living not until you came and changed everything. You made me feel everything at once, you made me feel me, you made me feel alive and enough. With you everything is right. Seulgi, thank you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for everything, lagi. I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m tired na. I would love to spend more time with you, I would love to spend everything I haven’t done with you. I would love to love you more and more, I would love to be with you. But love, I don’t wanna live like this. That every time you’re away, I’m lost. I don’t want to fully live a life na I’m depending everything to you. I’m sorry, love. You are more than everything for me. It’s just that, I’m lost. Still lost. Remembering everything I’ve been to in life, all I wanna do is to not exist. I love you and you alone makes me feel complete. You alone is the best thing that happened to me and I will always be grateful. But I wanna be selfish for once. Being selfish and choosing myself means resting forever. I can assure you that I’ll be okay, more than okay. I’ll be with you still, always will. I just wanna live my life na I can say “I am happy” for once, I can say “I did it”, I can say “I’m not alone”, I can say “I finally chose myself”. All of that at once, I did it with you. And that’s all it takes for me to know it’s already enough. It is my time. I hope you know that you’re enough. Be happy for me. Live for me. Smile for me. Laugh for me. And I promise you, I’m here. Always, my lagi. I love you so much. You’re the best. Enough for me to know that you deserve the best and you deserve better than me. Yes, it’s part of the thoughts. I know you’ll be mad at me for saying so but you do, love, you do deserve more than me and more than I could give. Go with your life, achieve every dream you have, find someone. And love her more than you loved me. I love you still and always will.

 

Your wife, your lagi, your love,

Irene Miranda-Ferrer.

 

All I can only do that time is to cry and cry, I cried my heart out. I did everything to find you in the ocean, where everything I can feel is calm before. Not until you came and made it feel safe.

 

I am here, love. Looking at you. Looking at the ocean, remembering everything. This ocean is our witness. The witness of everything that makes what is “us”. Whether there’s a sun, sunset, sunrise, rain, or moon. In this ocean, here lies the “us”. Here lies your everything. you, my everything.

in the oceans, where my engines always bring me. To you, my home.

 

I’m not okay, but I’m letting go

 

I am letting go of the pain.

Because this ocean is us. This ocean is calm. This ocean is home, home is you.

 

i'll always love you.

that’s why, I will always come back here in the oceans with my engines.