You wake up without her by your side. A chill run down your spine when you realize that she must have snuck out while you were fast asleep. You know that you must have done something wrong, something big, for her to leave without saying goodbye.

And she never leaves without saying goodbye. 

You try to call her but she’s not picking up.

“Where are you? Are you okay?” You send a message instead.

You can’t dwell on it – on whatever this is - since you have to be at the airport in an hour to catch a flight back home. You are at the height of the promotions for Really Bad Boy and everything has been great so far. Your group has performed in multiple festivals and appeared in numerous variety and music shows. But there’s this unmistakable sadness that you cannot shake off.

Maybe you’re sad because you’ve been chasing after her for god knows how long. Or maybe you’re sad because she’s always the first one to leave even when she promises to stay.

“Joohyun-unnie left early,” Yeri, who’s been assigned as your roommate for the trip says. You look at her with wide eyes, not knowing how to explain why Joohyun was even in your room.

Yeri chuckles at your expression and shakes her head playfully. “I’m not as naïve as you think I am,” she says while packing her things.

You have a question brewing at the pit of your stomach, but you swallow it instead. You already know the answer anyway.

“Did she say anything to you?” Yeri turns to you and flashes a sad smile, “She was in a hurry, but she seemed like she didn’t want to leave.” Leave you is what Yeri wants to say.

Your conversation was cut short when your manager knocked on the door to tell you to hurry up since the van that will take you to the airport is waiting downstairs.

---

The tension in the air is palpable the moment you stepped in and chose the seat beside her. You’re reminded of the unanswered text you sent to her this morning. She doesn’t even spare a glance to your direction and it hurts more than you thought it would. You see Seulgi looking at you through the rearview mirror.

“Did something happen?” Your phone pings with a message from Seulgi.

“That’s the thing, nothing ever happens.”

“Talk to her. Maybe she’s just waiting for you to approach her.” Seulgi gives you an encouraging smile.

You look around the van and see that everyone’s busy doing their own thing. Yeri is engrossed with the cooking game she recently downloaded; Joy is sleeping on Seulgi’s shoulder while Seulgi’s staring out the window with her earphones on.

You count to three like you always do when you’re about to do something you’re afraid of – a habit you’ve been doing since your trainee days.

One. Two. Three. 

“Hey, can we talk?” She puts her phone down and looks at you for the first time today.

You take a few seconds before continuing because you’ve never been used to her looking at you like that -- like you’re the only thing that matters to her.

“Where were you this morning?” She gulps at your bold question since you’ve both agreed not to talk about whatever this is.

“Seulgi called me to help her with something,” you know that she’s lying, and you can’t explain the anger that you feel. You clench your jaw to bite down the words that may hurt her because let’s face it, you never want to hurt her.

You hold her hand tightly, begging for her to tell you the truth, “Talk to me, please.” She looks away from you, but you can see her resolve slowly crumbling. You know that it’s always been hard for her to let people in but not you, she breaks down her walls when it comes to you.

“It’s nothing, I’m just tired,” she pulls her hand away from your hold and you have to pretend it doesn’t hurt that she pulls away from you yet again.

You finally arrive home after a short flight and you try to catch her alone to clear things up between the two of you. But she never gives you a chance because she goes straight to her room without a word.

Joy hears you sigh, “Just give her some time, unnie. Maybe you both need time from each other.”

“All I’ve given her is time. We’re running out of time.” Joy looks at Joohyun’s locked door, “When will you know when it’s time to stop?”

“Stop what?” You ask curiously.

Joy looks back at you with a sad smile, “Chasing after her." You don’t know how to answer because honestly, you’ve never stopped chasing her after all these years and you don’t know how to stop. Joy envelops you in a hug because she knows that that’s the only thing she can offer right now.

---

Weeks passed by without any word from her and you’re starting to get worried because this was more serious than you thought.

The dorm is dead silent without Yeri’s game being blasted in the stereos, without Seulgi’s vinyl player playing in the background and without Joy cackling in her room while talking to her sisters. The three conveniently decided to spend the night in their respective homes, leaving you alone with her for the first time in weeks.

You count one to three before knocking on her door.

One. Two. Three. 

She’s sprawled on the bed with her phone still playing beside her. She must have fallen asleep while watching something. You turn off the phone and lay beside her. You pull her closer and you realize that this is the first time you’ve felt like you’re alive – breathing like there’s nothing stuck in your throat, breathing like there isn’t a war waging in your lungs. You let yourself stay like that for a while, holding her as if Red Velvet doesn’t exist, as if you’re not Wendy and Irene.

She stirs in her sleep and you freeze because you hear her calling your name. “Seungwan-ah, is that you?” You try to pull your hand away, but she doesn’t let you. “Sorry, I was just leaving,” you try to reason out.

“Please stay,” she pleads with those eyes that you can never resist.

“Are you sure?” She closes her eyes and scoots closer to you. “Where are the others?” she mumbles with her eyelids half-open.

“They all went home,” your lips are dangerously close to her neck. She turns to face you and god, it’s been too long since you’ve been this close to her. You almost want to pull back and give an excuse to get away from this, from her. 

But you don’t. Because this is Joohyun, Joohyun who’s been there from the beginning when you couldn’t sing because of your vocal nodules. Joohyun who always gives you an encouraging smile whenever you’re anxious before performing. Joohyun who has always believed in you more than you believe in yourself.

“I’m tired,” you softly whisper, and you know she understands. She intertwines your hands and leans her forehead onto yours. “I shouldn’t have left you that morning.” She doesn’t wait for your reply.

“But Seungwan, I’m scared. I’m so so scared,” you twist your head in confusion.

“Scared of what?” She bites her lip – a habit that she does to stop herself from crying. And you hate how she feels the need to hide the tears from you because she may be Irene of Red Velvet in public, the leader whom you rely on. You want to tell her that she doesn’t need to pretend when she’s with you, that she doesn’t always have to be Irene because Seungwan and Joohyun have always been different.

“Of you, of us.” 

“Do you ever regret auditioning to be an idol?” you try to change the topic to understand where she’s coming from. She takes a few seconds to answer, “No, but sometimes I wish we never met.”

You close your eyes because ouch, does she always have to hurt you like this?

She notices your frown and continues, “Sometimes I wish I was just Joohyun from Daegu and you were Seungwan from Canada.” She twists her body to lean her head on your chest. You stay silent for a while to let the weight of her words settle in your mind, in your heart.

“But we’re Irene and Wendy of Red Velvet,” your words are laced with both sadness and frustration. You may be stubborn, but you understand because Joohyun would do anything for Red Velvet, for the dream that you’ve all poured your blood, sweat, and tears on to for years.

Because Red Velvet isn’t just Wendy and Irene, Red Velvet is also Joy, Seulgi and Yeri. And you can’t do that to them, you can’t.

“Can we pretend that Red Velvet doesn’t exist even just for tonight?” you hear her laugh for a little before replying.

“I thought you’d never ask,” you close your eyes and let yourself be drifted into a world where nothing has to be complicated, a world where love isn’t complicated.