And if, if she’d let me

 

I’d whisper all my I love you’s

And write all the reasons why

she is beautiful to me

and engrave them in every inch of her skin

-

“Wonyoung hurry up! We’ll miss the bus sched”

“Stop rushing me, unnie! We could’ve gotten the company car”

“That will defeat the purpose, Nyeong! We want to sneak and stroll around, wouldn’t it be sketchy if people in Dongdaemun will see two girls clad in shades and mask going down from a bigass company car?”

“Fine fine just..okay I’m done. Let’s go now! Hello? Yujinnie?” 

“Pretty”

“I know” Wonyoung said as a matter of fact, for which she returned a thanks  by kissing my right cheek

“Jinnie stop staring, THE BUS!!”

 

 

 

If

 

If she’d let me

I’d cover her with my poetry

I’d write stanzas of how she looked 

quite exactly like dawn when she smiled

radiant, expectant,

 

hopeful

-

Wonyoung was brisk walking her way to the bus stop with me a few steps lagging behind. I stopped in front the plant box found at the lobby of our dorm, so as to why I was rushing to catch up. 

 

By the time I caught up, the bus has already arrived which prompted me to dash for it. Wonyoung pulled me on the first blank bus seats available. And so our adventure finally starts.

 

“Has anyone told you you’re pretty?”

Wonyoung rolled her eyes, “uh yeah? You just did 20mins ago”

I quickly put my hand inside my coat’s pocket, pulled out a daffodil which obviously came from the dorm plantbox which I apparently and illegally picked. I slid the flower stalk onto Wonyoung’s ear and said,

“Prettier”

 

 

I’d write verses of the silly rhymes she’d like me

to make on random days

and how she’d giggle right along with me 

after reading them

-

“Nyeongie, are you starbucks?”

“Huh?”

“Cause I like you a latte”

“Shut off, you’re so corny” Wonyoung said as pink started to dust off her cheeks

 

I’d wrap her limbs with her favorite quotes

from her favorite movies and favorite books

I’d doodle on her instep

right exactly where she’s ticklish, 

I’d doodle her favorite childhood cartoon characters

and then she’d laugh like a kid, 

just like she used to when she watched those characters

-

“Work your off Jinnie, push harder!” Wonyoung shouted as she insinuates me to push her swing harder. 

We got off the bus and while we were originally planning to go to the night market, we had a teeny small detour at the park we came across with.

“I’m trying, I’m trying!!”

“Jinnie you little—- dont send me flyingggggggg” as fleets of Wonyoung’s giggles filled my ears, it filled my heart as well, full and up to the brim. 

 

If

 

If she’d let me

 

I’d draw random symbols of our memories together

on the centimeters of her skin that she couldn’t reach

so she couldn’t erase ‘us’ no matter how much she’d want to

-

I brought out a pack of wipes from my clutch bag. As much as I'm  msure I'm with someone only a year younger than me, I'm starting to believe the girl in front of me is still a baby. Not that I complain, though.

“C’mere let me wipe your neck. I don’t know how you managed to sweat buckets just from swinging back and forth”

 

I’d draw crustless pizza slices, to remind her of how much she’d insist for me to eat the crusts because she hated them

-

“Jinnie can we get the pineapple pizza”

“Sure”

“Could we also get a milkshake”

“Okay, we share?”

“I’ll get two straws, love. Don’t worry”, Wonyoung whispered

 

I’d draw red umbrellas with small holes

to remind her how much she adored rain

to remind her of the time she punched a pen through our umbrella

so that rain could still pass through when we used it

so we’d still feel the rain without getting completely drenched.

-

She was staring outside the restaurant window, counting the drops racing down the pane

“Jinnie what do you think freedom is?”

I stopped picking on the pineapple on my playe and decided to indulge her with her query

“I dunno, isn’t what we’re doing now a form of freedom?”

“I know, but we have to cover up ourselves, act like fugitives away from the prying eyes of people. Even just by sitting down on a ball match has people saying much about me”

 

My heart wretches on moments like this, her, the one who anchors me in this scary ocean finally being the one who needs some saving

 

 

I’d draw the number 12 and a moon

to remind her of the time she waited until exactly midnight to my birthday to tell me she loved me for the first time

 

so that that every year 

when the universe gave me a day 

to celebrate my existence

I could celebrate the existence of the one person who loved me as much as I loved her, 

along with it.

-

“Jinnie go ask for our bill”

“It’s fine I’ll pay”

“You paid the last time we went out, let’s take turns” she gave me a soft smile. Who am I to say no

“Alright alright, thank you for this Nyeong”

I held her hand resting on top of the table as a sign of gratitude 

“Do you remember your first birthday with izone?”, She suddenly spoke

“Of course”

“I was a broke kid back then” she laughed. “I was only able to get you a cupcake with a makeshift birthday candle for your birthday. I kinda felt bad that time too, you got me a real birthday cake”

“Nah I don’t mind that. You and me getting into the group is already enough birthday present for me. Besides those were just my savings from the contact lens. No biggie, love”

“But still. You’re so good for me, Jinnie. I just want to make up for everything you’re doing for me”

I lifted our joined hands carefully, not to hurt her arm or something, and gave her knuckles a kiss 

“Don’t worry much, just promise me you’ll stay with me no matter what”

 

 

If she’d let me

 

I’d use her body as the canvas of the art of

every fight, every kiss, 

every tear, every celebration, 

 

every memory

 

of everything we’ve been through

 

so she couldn’t look at herself or at the mirror

without being reminded of 

‘us’.

-

“Thank you for taking me out today, Jinnie, I loved spending my day offs with you”

“So when’s the next one?”

“Next month?” and we both laughed

 

so that when the sun sets 

and the dawn of her smile fades

and she’s left with the nights when she feels worthless

-

My phone camera shutter gave me away, I was trying not go get caught. Her basking under the golden rays of sunset is too ethereal for me  to just let it pass

 

So that every time she’d lift her arms to doubt herself

 

She’d hear my voice reading our poetry, our quotes

-

“Love, why do you think they hate me so much?”

I gave her a quizzing look 

“Who?”

“Them. People around me.”

I tugged her towards me, and kept her within my arms. Hugging her tight, just to give her any possible semblance of security

“They don’t know what they’re saying. The only thing you’re going to PICK will always be ME”

 

She’d read my words on her skin

She'd see the doodles of the mundane, lovely things we did together 

And,

 

as if my words were incantations

 

as if my drawings were magic—

 

 

As if my love was her reason to live.

 

As if it told her that in the instance she doubted herself

 

in the instance she forgets that I will carry whatever burden she cannot lift

 

in the instance she forgets that the there is only one place I've ever fought so hard to be, and that was wherever she was

 

in the instance she forgets I will fight the world when the world dares to bear its weight down on her

 

She’ll look down at my love on her skin

 

And if,

 

If,

 

If she’d let herself,

 

She’ll see that

 

Every single thing

I find beautiful 

in the world

 

I find in her.

-

“Yujin?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you”

“Love you too.”

 

- "If" by Arianne Bangcolay