He's tired, even more tired than he ever did in any fights he had with Donghae. Their shoutings are probably muffled by the thick walls of the hotel room but one could instantly find out if they were to pass the room. It's like something between them had broken and died, and both of them don't have a single idea, letting it dim and finally blow away, like the candle in the wind.

Donghae is crying. He's always easy to cry; in fact, both of them did, but Hyukjae rarely showed tears during their fights. Probably because he was the main cause of the fight. Probably because he's simply a jerk. Probably.

Most likely.

Donghae can't talk anymore. He's practically hiccuping with every word he tries to say until eventually he chooses to quiet down, sitting pitifully on the edge of the bed with both hands covering his face. A part of Hyukjae wants to indulge him, to give him the hug he craves but the rest of himself—most part of himself, Hyukjae realizes bitterly—wants to walk away and slam the door close, leaving Donghae to his own aid and pretend that nothing happened between them today.

Of course, he can't do that. So he stands awkwardly in the middle of the hallway, watching as tremors rack all over Donghae's frame, so fragile and pathetically broken-hearted, all because of him. All because of Hyukjae.

Honestly, he still can't put a finger on what he did wrong; but that just proves everything. He hurts his baby and has literally no idea of what's hurting him. At this point, he made Donghae cry and broke countless times throughout the years; maybe this is the time when he can't put the pieces back together again.

"Donghae…" Hyukjae calls him helplessly, which he ignores. "Donghae, I didn't mean it."

Hyukjae shouted at him before, then Donghae shuts down and lets his tears get the best of him.

Hyukjae lets the word you're too much for me slip out of his tongue.

He always keeps everything inside, but once he snaps—he hurts people.

It just happens to be the love of his life.

"Then just break up with me already," Donghae suddenly says, broken and tearful and so sad it makes Hyukjae's heart grow heavier and heavier. "You said I'm a burden to you. I know you mean it. Then just break up with me. You should be the one who end it. Because I can't," he wipes the tears off his face angrily. "Because… I can't… I love you too much for that but look at where it got me."

He laughs, sarcastic and tortured.

"... no." And isn't Hyukjae selfish?

"Then—" this is it, Hyukjae thinks, his heart trembling. He'll end it here. "—let's take a break."

Hyukjae's heart stops beating. This isn't what he expected. "W-what?"

Donghae isn't looking at him. "Let's take a break."

Dread climbs on his toes, up towards his heart, like a frostbite. "Are you… are you breaking up with me?"

The thing is, Donghae is always easy to forgive. Always easy to give in. Hyukjae hurts him many times and Donghae always forgives him, every single time, like he's programmed to do that, and Hyukjae feels like a jerk when the thought of he will forgive me anyway passes his mind.

He'll forgive me, he thought as he cancelled their dates for his other friend's birthday, he'll forgive me, ringing inside his ears as he realized that his schedules are overlapping with his baby's birthday, he'll forgive me anyway, he nodded to himself before he said that he wasn't comfortable with his appearance on Donghae's social media.

The thought wasn't even on his mind when he snapped a while ago, you're too much, donghae! grow the up and don't be such a burd—

He stops himself before he can blurt out the entire word.

Meanwhile, Donghae laughs at him, devoid of all emotions aside from pain. "No. I'm taking a break from you, vice versa. You think I'm always easy to forgive you. That's because I don't think you would hurt me so much that I can't even think about forgiving you anymore."

Hyukjae's heart falls, drops down to his stomach. "Donghae, I—"

"No," he shakes his head, tears still flowing from his beautiful eyes, now swollen and red rimmed. "I know you don't even feel guilty about this. I know it, Hyukjae—I can see it from your eyes. Let's just take a break before we completely destroy what's left between us."

He won't let Hyukjae kiss him goodbye. He won't let Hyukjae touch him the slightest. And Hyukjae… supposed to be happy, right? He hates skinship and complains when Donghae gets too clingy. He thinks he would be relieved. But he's not.

He's cold-feet, heart wrenching and hammering against his ribs as he stands in front of Donghae's hotel room. That's how he ends up in Heechul hyung's room, numb and unsure what to do, head hanging low between his hunched shoulders.

Heechul gets him; he always does.

"Let's have a drink," he says. "Put your snapback and mask on. Lamenting your ed-up in here won't make Donghae forgive you."

Hyukjae snaps his head at the mention of the name. "Y-you knew?"

Heechul ignores him and pulls him on his feet.

"Of course I do," the older man mumbles when they're walking side by side on Japan's busy sidewalk. "He's getting forlorn with each day nearing towards your birthday."

Hyukjae doesn't notice. He's too busy at work and his other schedules, too busy sparing the rest of his time for his family, too tired with life.

"I…" he chokes on his unshed tears, stomping his feet with each step he takes. "I don't know."

If Heechul has something harsh to say—because Hyukjae deserves some slap across the face—he doesn't say anything.

"He came to me—crying—thrice." His hyung told him as they sat on one of the empty tables in their favorite drinking kiosk. "Didn't tell me what's going on."

Bricks drop down on his stomach. His hands tremble. "When?"

"On his birthday after his recording. Then two weeks ago."

Two weeks ago? What happened two weeks ago? He curses. He can't remember anything.

"Ya—your stupid probably wasn't the cause, you know?" Heechul sneers at him. He sounds annoyed, but Hyukjae knows that his hyung is trying to soothe him. Heechul is just like that. "I know something's wrong because I can hear muffled shouts from you brats' room. You weren't as quiet as you thought."

"I'm sorry hyung."

"Aish, you punk, just shut up already…"

Heechul's voice fades away as Hyukjae drowns himself in his own thoughts—thoughts full of Donghae. Donghae, smiling, reached up at him asking for a hug. Donghae laughing, singing, composing, sulking, nagging, crying, pretending. Even a flash of his face makes Hyukjae's heart clenches. His heart hurts, but not because he was wronged, he is the one who wronged Donghae. Thinking back, he questions himself; why the heck did he do, or say, that?

"What should I do?" He holds his empty glass pitifully, face starting to get red from the alcohol.

Heechul is just the same. Their alcohol tolerance is high, but Hyukjae's is higher. He only feels a little bit tipsy after a few drinks.

"Do you love him?"

The answer is instant. "I really love him."

"No but like… do you actually tell him, at least show him that you love him?" Heechul abandons his glass and takes a swig straight from the bottle. "You know how he is. As much as he puts all his faith in you, he needs to be constantly reassured that he's loved."

"I really love him, hyung—" And he's being honest. He can write hundreds of reasons why and how he loves Donghae. He can write songs about him—although that's not exactly his specialty, that's Donghae's—about falling in love with him, about how Hyukjae really adores the way he tilted his head like a rabbit when he was confused. About the dark intention of possessive urge he always tries to push deep beneath his heart.

But, Heechul is right—when is the last time he really tells—damn it, shows Donghae that he loves him?

He's not good with words. He can flirt and single handedly leads an entire show but when it comes to voicing out his real feelings—

"I don't know what to do." He says eventually. "It seems like I finally destroyed the very last thing holding us together."

"What did you do?"

"I told him he was too much for me."

"Unprovoked?"

"He…" Hyukjae frowns at his glass as if it just said something very offending. "... he sometimes suffocates me."

"Huh." Is all Heechul said.

"I love Donghae," Hyukjae states firmly. "I never knew that I could love someone this much. It's just that he has more heart than I have."

They speak different languages, and both of them didn't even bother to learn each other's. Donghae is an affectionate lover. Hyukjae prefers to take care of his partner quietly. Loving him quietly. It will make him seem cold but goddamn it, deep inside he's got more heart than anyone else in the world combined.

"I love him so much," Hyukjae repeats desperately, and because Heechul doesn't seem to acknowledge his words, he tries again. "I love Donghae so much, hyung."

"Shut up, everyone can see that, you're a fool who only looks at Donghae. I don't need your reassurance—it's too goddamn obvious."

"But if everyone can see—" pathetic, he's a pathetic lover. "—why couldn't he?"

“Because you—” Heechul puts a hand over his tired face. Looks up straight in Hyukjae’s eyes, as if the answer’s obvious. Hyukjae knows, but he’s too scared to even think about it. Please don’t say it, don’t say it.

“Because you rarely put him first.”

-

Think about it, Heechul hyung said last night. It’s not like you didn’t fight tooth and nail and practically handed your body and soul for him. But you—you didn’t choose him, during the times when he needs you the most.

Maybe he’s right.

God damnit, Heechul hyung is right.

Hyukjae sees Donghae in the corner of his eyes, sinking on his plane seat after switching seats with Siwon, and feels the urge to shove Siwon out of Donghae’s side. That’s my place.

Yesung hyung doesn’t talk. He knows better and Hyukjae is so thankful for it. He gives Hyukjae a carton of milk eventually, when he notices the tears rolling down Hyukjae’s cheeks as the dancer leans back and puts his arms over his eyes.

-

April 5th

I… was never one to believe in God, but I swear to God, Lee Donghae.

If there were really a multiverse, I wish the other version of you would end up with a person that loves you the way you want to be loved, a person who would give you the time and affection you deserve. A person who knows how to voice out their heart. It doesn't have to be me; in fact, it probably won't be me, but I guess that's alright. As long as you're happy. Because you look like an angel when you smile, even when I'm not the cause of your laugh. I think I make you cry more than I make you smile.

I'm sorry. And I can't even tell you directly—instead, I ran and hid here in my room writing nonsense on this hotel memo pad. You're probably crying next door, or most likely smashing your anger at the gym with Siwon. I should have told you to take it easy because the way you keep pushing yourself at sport is clearly taking tolls on your knee; but again—I did not.

Donghae, I…

I don't know what to do. For the first time, I felt lost. I just had my birthday but instead of spending the day with excitement, we had a fight and now my heart feels so heavy. Heavier than any other time we fight because this time you really took action to